Piñata
Nick Miller opened his fridge and followed with a groan. Tupperware containers of baby carrots. A shelf of juice boxes. He didn't know what the hell those round fruits in the bowl were, peaches or plums or something. He knew that he should have went for the tomato and basil mixture Jess made that sorta tasted good, but instead he went to the freezer, fished way in the back and pulled out a box of frozen burritos. Cause it was that kind of day, my friend. Microwave food kind of day.
Tossing two on a plate he set the microwave and let it spin. While he waited, he thought for a second then called into the living room.
"Hey, Robbie. Hungry?"
He waited, but no answer. Sighing, he walked around the counter and into the living room, holding his arms out. Robbie's face was intent on the television, his fingers moving over his x-box controller and a small frown on his face.
"Hey. Robbie. I'm calling you, pause the game." Nick snapped his fingers once and Robbie's head flashed sideways then forward, his eyes never leaving the screen.
"I didn't hear you. Can I pause it in two minutes?"
Nick looked at the screen, trying to recognize the game but he really didn't play anything outside from the sports games. "Two minutes." He agreed, watching with half interest. Then he stopped and looked around the living room. "Hold on a second. Where's your sister?"
"Uh, bathroom." Robbie's lack of attention was starting to make him angry. He wanted to shut the television off despite the game, but he refrained. "Wasn't it her turn for the television?"
"She said I could have another turn." Robbie said quietly.
"Okay. Wait. Wait." Nick reached for the remote. "Pause it. Three. Two. One—"
"Dad! Okay. Okay. Give me—"
"And nope." Nick clicked the TV and Robbie let out a quick breath through his nose, pursing his lips and holding his tongue. "Now. You want to tell me why you're still playing your game when your turn was up…" Nick checked the clock, "Ten minutes ago?"
Robbie stared at the controller in his hands, spinning it around. "Ellie said she didn't want a turn anymore…She said I could—"
"Did she say that or did you coax her into offering?" Nick knew this game. It wasn't the first time. Ellie was too easily swayed, but then, other times she was holding the high end of the bargain. She could be surprisingly crafty. Just then, she flounced back into the living room, her hands still dripping water. You know what, at least she washed her hands. It was more than he could say for Robbie.
"Ellie, why's your brother playing his games during your turn?" It was hard to fathom that this was his life. Monitoring turns for games and televisions. Referee. Coach. Mentor. Disciplinarian. Entertainer. He filled a lot of roles lately. Right now, was one of the ones he preferred passing on to Jess. Who was working and it was his turn to stay with the kids.
Ellie plopped onto the couch, shrugging her slender shoulders. "Robbie said he wanted more time so I said he could have mine."
"But…that was very nice of you, for sharing, but you can't just give Robbie everything he wants. Elle?" He tried to catch her eye and she looked up at him with those startling blue eyes. Matching her brother's. Thankfully, they both seemed to take after their mother, although Ellie's hair was a lighter brown like Nick's. And he saw more of his face in her when he looked for it, which made him both proud and guilty. Robbie got the nice pale skin and smooth lines, easy flowing hair that he kept just above his eyes. He was Jess if Jess was a guy. Dark hair and blue eyes. Poor Elle had be shouldered with more of Nick's traits in the looks department. Though no one would argue that she was cute as ever and he'd strangle anyone who said otherwise.
"I didn't. He said I can have his dessert."
Nick paused. So they had traded in TV time and sweets. He wasn't sure how to approach that. A fair trade was a fair trade. Ellie loved her sweets and Robbie loved his games. The problem, however, was that Robbie's time limit wasn't just about sharing. Jess didn't want him spending all day playing games. Somewhere in the kitchen, the savory smell of the heated atoms of artificial beans and beef lingered in the air. Then a chime sounded.
"Okay. Here's what we're going to do. Robbie. Your turns up, my man. Give your sister the TV." Robbie threw his head backward into the couch. "Ellie, you've got forty-five minutes, hon. Do your thing."
She picked up the remote and tried to find the right button to change the input. "Rob, change it for her, will ya." Heaving a bit of a sigh, Robbie snatched up the remote and turned on the cable. "What channel?"
"Thirteen." She said sweetly, bouncing in her seat.
Nick was about to head into the kitchen to get his food when Robbie's voice stopped him.
"You know you can't have my dessert now."
"What? That's not fair." Ellie whined.
"What'd you mean? I didn't get your full turn so you don't get my dessert. Fair."
"Dad took it away, Robbie. I didn't. You can't go back, that's not fair." Nick halted their argument as he cleared his throat.
"You two want to argue semantics, let's argue. Robbie, you got part of her TV time. Ellie gets part of your dessert."
"What's simmanics?" Robbie asked, wrinkling his nose.
"Semantics. It's…it's like. What'do I look like? A damn dictionary?" He spun on his heel and headed for the kitchen. Then he stopped and pointed at each of them. "And don't either of you repeat that word. You hear me?" He turned again and stalked away, ignoring the giggles. Pulling out his plate he went to find a drink that wasn't absent of sugar and settled on the pitcher of Kool-aide. Bright green liquid, never really been appetizing since it reminded him of absinth, but the stuff wasn't bad if you drank it fast. He walked out to the living room and set his plate and drink on the coffee table.
"So what're we watching?" Nick asked, realizing the answer with a frown. These shows for kids were seriously annoying. There peppy little tunes repeating endless cycles through his brain. Yet he'd sat through so many episodes of Arthur and Sofia the First he was truly ashamed to admit he knew the characters by name.
"Caillou." Robbie groaned, slumping on the couch. His eyes caught the food on Nick's plate and he perked up. "No fair, you get to eat burritos? Where'd you get them?"
"In the freezer. You want some?"
"Heck yes, I do."
"Alright, settle down. I'll be right back." Nick sighed, getting up and setting another single serving on a plate and setting it in the microwave. When he returned to finish eating, he frowned noticeably. Robbie had half of a burrito in his hands and was chewing absently as he watched the television. Little sneak.
"You get one. Mom'll kill me if she finds out I gave you that much." Nick started and then he nodded in Ellie's direction. "What about you, kid, you hungry? Got some of those crackers left. The animal ones."
"Oo, I love animal crackers. I want the bunny ones." She said as an answer. She tucked her legs up into her skirt, a frilly number she wore over her pants.
"Elle, I can't just get you the bunnies. You gotta eat all the crackers or there won't be any bunnies—"
"I like the bunnies." She pouted. "Mommy picks out the bunnies."
"That's such a waste. Who's going to eat the rest of the animals, huh? How do you think they feel? You not wanting to eat them? I bet they feel real left out, Ellie. I bet they feel not nice at all." He'd argued this before and lost every time. He wasn't sure why he bothered except it was the principal of the thing.
She frowned, the side of her lip quirking up. "Dad you're crazy. It's a cracker."
He sighed. "And they all taste the same yet you only want the bunny shaped ones."
"Cause I like the bunnies." She replied with a grin.
The microwave beeped again. Okay. So this was happening now. He got up and got his plate from the microwave, setting it out to cool. Then he grabbed the sealed tupperware bin in the pantry full of animal crackers and began to pick out the bunny shaped ones and put them in a bowl. Scowling as he worked. Finally, he had a good amount gathered and put everything back then carried both plate and bowl to the living room. Sitting down again he slid the bowl to Ellie over the coffee table.
"There you are, ma'am. One bowl of animal crackers, hold everything but the bunnies." He smiled with a shake of his head as she picked it up in greedy hands and dove in. Eventually, Nick got to eat his own food and after they were all finished, they sat through another episode of Caillou in stupefied silence.
"I don't get it, why're the edges all fuzzed out like that." Nick groaned after a second. The episode was following the plot of a birthday party that Caillou was nerves about or didn't know how to dance or something. But Nick was focused on the visual oddities. "Is it supposed to seem like the narrator is reading from a book with moving pictures? And who is she anyway? Do we ever see her?"
"I dunno." Robbie moaned, his head braced on his hand as he stared mutely at the screen. Ellie still munched on the occasional cracker, her feet kicking up and down on the cushion.
Nick reached into her bowl and stole a cracker, shrugging at the bland, but sweet taste. The show continued and the party scene arrived and Nick couldn't fathom why he was still sitting there watching. Except that they all were. Ellie and Robbie next to him on the couch. He sure as hell didn't have to understand the show to enjoy watching it with them. His arms were crossed and there was a firm frown on his face, though. Just to show his dissatisfaction of this Caillou and its mysterious narrator. The party scene arrived and Ellie stood up in her seat, spilling the rest of her crackers.
"What's that?" She pointed, unaware of the spill.
Nick caught the bowl before it could fall and knelt down so he could scoop up the fallen pieces of cracker. "What's what?"
"That?" Her eyes were wide on the screen.
"It's a piñata." Robbie answered. "We had them in school."
She watched, transfixed as the hitting of the piñata began and then candy rained down on all the children at the party. Ellie turned and Nick was already shaking his head. Hand full of bunny cracker crumbs. She always won with that face…she always won…
"Daddy, can we have a piñata?"
"Not right now, honey, I'd have to go the store and get the candy and…"
She ran from the room. Nick leaned onto the couch from his knees on the floor. He ran his hands through his hair.
"She went to get the Halloween candy. The leftovers." Robbie offered, his hand on Nick's shoulder. "Dad, she's gonna win. She always gets her way."
"Yeah. I know." He answered to both statements. Ellie returned, bouncing on her toes, with a bucket of candy.
"I got the candy right here." She smiled, setting it on the table.
"No, hon, seriously. We have nothing to put this in." Nick was prepared for her to pout, but it didn't matter. That round little face, framed by dark hair, so like her mother was his undoing every time. Every single time.
"Okay. Robbie. You're helping me."
"What?" Robbie snapped, aghast. "No way. Uh-uh. That's not fair."
"I say it's fair." Nick snapped back. "So tired of the 'it's not fair' thing, too. I mean it. Both of you with that need to stop." He sighed. Looking around, he saw nothing that came to mind as a viable piñata. "Ellie, I really don't think there's anything we can fill like that…a pillowcase? No, but then where do I hang it and how does the stuff stay inside without falling out…"
Robbie hopped over the back of the couch and stood in the arch way to the dining room. Ellie was pleading with her eyes and Nick was racking his brain for a solution for her. He really was.
"Dad, can you lift me up there?"
"What?" Nick rose from his knees, looking where Robbie was pointing. "That's a plant hanger."
"Yeah. Can I hang from it?"
"No. You can't hang from it—what'do you take me for?" He snorted a bit, thinking the idea ridiculous. Jess would kill him for sure. And Robbie wasn't a large kid, at eight, but he was too heavy for a plant hanger. Really.
"No, but dad it's perfect. I can be the piñata. I'll hold the candy and she can hit me and it'll be so fun, please?"
"Okay, this is out of the question. Completely. So let's stop with this line of questions right now. I'm not hanging you from a plant hanger." Nick paused. "However."
Ellie and Robbie waited, their faces mixing with anticipation and impatience. Kids.
Nick could not believe that he was considering this, but he told them both to sit tight while he went to get some tools from the garage. Yeah, this was pretty much the worst idea he'd ever had. And if Jess found out? She'd kill him. Probably. Nick sorted through his tools and picked out the ones he needed, grabbed the spare part to their swing set in the back yard and headed upstairs.
"You both realize that this is a bad idea." He said as he drilled the starter hole. Dust floated to the floor and over the chair he was standing on.
"Yeah." They said together, watching.
"And if you tell anyone, I mean anyone, then it's over. No more bad ideas with dad. You hear me?" He spit dust from his mouth and grabbed the swing-set hook. Twisting it up into the ceiling and watching, waiting, for the wood to split. But it held. Which was surprising. He lifted a few washers up to the hook, finding one that fit and then fished it over the hook to better secure it to the ceiling. It would hold. He was certain. But it probably ruined the doorframe since the hole would be so big. Eh, they'd just hang a really big plant there later. Easy fix.
"Is it done?" Robbie tried to step onto the chair and Nick almost lost his balance.
"Yes. It's almost done." He stepped down and moved the chair away. Then he grabbed the hook with two fingers and pulled. Twisting it. There was no give in any direction and he shrugged. "Okay, get over here, kid."
Robbie clapped his hands and fist pumped the air. "Yes. This is gonna be so awesome." Nick lifted him easily from the ground and held him above his head.
"If you need to get down, you tell me. Don't play games, I don't want you falling or hurting yourself."
"I'm not gonna hurt myself. Gosh."
Nick wished he could be that fearless. He didn't think he ever was in his life, to be honest. Robbie got that from Jess for sure. Bracing himself for the worst, he hooked Robbie's belt and then slowly lowered his hands until Robbie was no longer supported by him.
"Feel okay?"
"Yeah. Give me the candy." Robbie grabbed the container that was handed to him and laughed. "This is so cool. I'm so high. I'm taller than you, dad."
"Yeah. Yeah you are." Nick didn't leave arms length of him, just in case. Ellie grabbed the wiffle bat from her toy bin and pinned herself between Nick's legs. "God, this is insane. Why are we doing this? You kids talk me into bad ideas. Why?" He lifted her in the air and resigned himself. "Okay, Elle. Hit the piñata."
She wacked and Robbie shielded his face, but otherwise remained mostly still. Ellie was laughing like mad, throwing her head back with every swing. Robbie tucked his legs up and swung lightly on the hook.
"Okay, I'm dropping the candy now." He tipped over the container. Ellie's squeals of excitement were deafening. And then Nick's blood froze in his veins.
"What the hell is going on?"
Nick set Ellie on the ground, who immediately began to scoop up the candy and stuff them in her pockets.
"Honey. You're home. What a surprise. We weren't expecting…this isn't what it looks…I'm very sorry can you please forgive me. They talked me into it." Nick pointed to his side, but Jess's eyes were wide and fixed on the ceiling.
"Is our son hanging from the ceiling?" She took another step, her voice dangerous. "Nicholas Miller. Is our son, hanging, from the freaking ceiling?"
"Um. I know that's what it appears to be…happening and yes. Yes he is."
"Hey mom." Robbie waved and Nick quickly hoisted him up by his pants and set him gently on the ground.
Jess's eyes were the largest he'd ever seen them. And he was so afraid just then.
"Now, before you freak out, there's really a simple explanation—"
"Really? A simple explanation? I'd love to hear it, Nick. Please tell me why it was necessary to hang our child from the ceiling by his belt."
"Uh…well…Ellie really wanted to hit a piñata, because of the bald kid show with the sketchy narrator and, as you know, we don't live in a piñata household so I didn't have one to give her, and then Robbie asked if he could hang from the ceiling and I was like, 'No way. That's such a bad idea. Your mom would hate it and it's irresponsible.'" Nick swallowed, losing this battle faster than he could breathe. "And so…he ended up on the ceiling. As a piñata."
"Yeah. I hit him with my bat until the candy fell." Ellie grinned, holding up two fists full of candy.
"So you're saying your excuse for this, is that he was used as a piñata." Jess asked, her tone even but her eyes still deadly. Damn, what was with the blue eyes in this family and their power over him? He was cursed to bend to their ways every time.
"Yes. I think that's exactly what I'm saying. But, to be fair, it sounds so much more ridiculous when you say it…and it sounded," he chuckled without humor, "Pretty darn ridiculous at the time."
Jess put her face in her hands. "I just, this is, wow. Okay. I don't even know what to do with this." She smiled and that made him uneasy. Cause he wasn't sure if she was starting to find the inevitable humor in this situation or if she was so pissed she was laughing. "I mean. How do I come home to find my grown man husband allowing our eight year old to be strung up from the ceiling so his five year old sister can hit him with a bat like a piñata? How? How do I even understand something like that? Oh right, I don't. Because it's insane."
"Yes. You're right. I couldn't agree with you more, you beautiful amazing smart talented…best singer I've ever heard—"
"Okay, stop with that. Right now."
"Yep, okay." He shut his mouth. Her hip was thrust out and she was watching the two kids on the floor, trading candy back and forth. They were smiling and laughing together, which didn't happen often enough for Jess's liking. He hoped that it softened her to the whole situation. Cause, bonding kids had to trump dumbass father.
Jess heaved a sigh and then uncrossed her arms. "You, come with me. You two, stay here and don't you eat that candy until I get back."
"'Kay." They said as Nick reluctantly followed Jess from the room. Once in hallway, she turned and leveled him with a hard stare.
"I know what you're thinking, and let me beat you to it by saying I am such a dumbass. I know this. I accept this. And I know you love me despite that fact, but I can't be expected to not do dumbass things. It's in my nature. It's what I do. So. You're completely right. Whatever you're thinking right now. But just know, that I'm your dumbass and you chose this life and you knew what you were getting into when you married me so I shouldn't be held—"
"Nick?"
"Yes, Jessica?"
"Stop talking." She shook her head and he waited, but she seemed to be coming to terms with her anger. It had been mostly shock when she first walked into the living room. Not that he could blame her. "First of all, throwing the fact that I chose the dumbass in you along with the rest of it into this is unfair. You know that I love the whole you. Even the dumbass and using that to win every argument is kinda cheating. Second, you're a dumbass. Third, I'm not really that mad, but I don't want you to know that and I don't want the kids to know that or they'll think this is okay. Which it isn't. Not at all."
He nodded, head bobbing on his shoulders, amazed that he was actually getting off pretty easy this time.
"So it's never going to happen again. And if the kids ask, you were wrong and you will explain to them why it is dangerous to be hung from the ceiling."
"Bet every parent has this talk at some point, am I right? The not to hang from the ceiling talk?"
"No, Nick. They don't. They really don't."
"I know." He ran his hands over his face. He felt guilty, but at the same time, he knew nothing was going to happen. But then that didn't mean that teaching Robbie it was okay was a good idea. Now, if Robbie tried something when Nick wasn't around, he'd be responsible for that. Which was obviously the main point here. Not that using an eight year old as a piñata was wrong.
Jess shook her head, fixing him a loving stare. "You wanna know something else?"
"What?" He said, relief finally washing over him. She wasn't mad. In fact, she seemed almost playful. Which was good for him cause the kids were distracted with candy. He leaned in, arm hooking her waist.
"Is that burrito I smell?" She looked into the distance and once again, he was rendered frozen. "Hm. Funny that." She smirked and kissed his cheek, though he didn't move an inch as she sauntered past him and began laughing along with the kids in the living room.
Point being, all in all, it could've been a lot worse. And that, Nick thought, was a victory.
A/N: These are just going to be cute one-shot-esque moments. No real point and no real end. This idea came to me and I don't know, I just went with it. I tried to give the dialogue with the kids some realism. I work with kids, so I based Ellie and Robbie and things I've heard. I'm thinking of getting everyone together. Schmidt, Winston, and Cece and writing a quick chapter of the families together for a holiday or something. See all the next generation room-friends. Not sure yet. Thanks for reading.
(Also, I've seen the occasional Caillou episode and I used to watch Arthur as a kid, which it's still on, and Sofia the First is a new Disney show that's super cute and I watch it at work sometimes. With the kids. So that's where all that came from.)