Chapter 1

Raising her mind from the deep reaches of the Fade - the dream world where memories could haunt just as easily as the imagination - a tiny voice crept in, eroding at her dream.

"Mama... Mama... Mama..." the small voice whispered, tickling her ears and impatiently prodding her shoulder with each repetition of the word. Groaning, she swatted at the hand and rolled over. What could the child possibly need at this hour? Surely, the sun hadn't even begun to think of rising yet...

"Mama... Mama... Are you awake?" the voice persisted, now a more urgent whisper.

'Well, I am now,'she thought grumpily.

"Mhmm... Ayla, sweet, go back to bed... Please..." she managed, her voice slurred by sleep. Beside her, she felt her husband shift as he gradually came into semi-consciousness. He had always been the lighter sleeper and required less of it to function than she; a ten minute power-nap and he was good to go for hours. Lucky bastard...

"Nnn... What is it, love? Something wrong?" Alistair asked, his voice thick with slumber.

She muttered something, most of which was incoherent grumbling as far as he could tell.

"What?"

The grumbling continued, and this time he was able to make out the phrases "out of bed at such an unholy hour" and "should just lock the door" before she was able to manage a single coherent word:

"... Ayla..."

"Ayla? What's she doing up?"

Burying her face in her pillow, Reina groaned, letting out her breath in a huff and tried to pull the large quilt higher over her head. Maybe if they couldn't see her, they'd all get the hint and stop asking her questions and just let her slip quietly back to sleep...

"Uhdunno. Yewasker," she mumbled to her pillow.

"Mama?"

"Maker have mercy! What is it, Ayla?" she hissed, throwing back the quilt in frustration and taking her daughter by surprise. Seeing her daughter's shocked expression and the fear in her eyes she softened slightly. "Honey? What is it? Why aren't you asleep?" Like any normal child, she refrained from adding, her patience stretched transparently thin this early.

Next to her, Alistair propped himself up on his side, watching. It took immense effort for Reina to restrain herself from simple flopping back into her pillow and allowing him to handle the entire situation; whatever it was.

'You're still her mother' she thought. 'No matter what time of the morning it is...'

"Darling," she began, trying hard to focus on her daughter. "Why are you out of bed?"

Her child gripped her arm firmly with both hands, surprising her with such a vise-like grasp for such a small girl. "Monsters, Mama! Under my bed and in the wardrobe! Meriam checked and says she would never let the monsters in, but they're there, Mama! I know they are!"

Meriam, the child's elven maid and bodyguard, was a friend of the family as well as a former assassin who now dedicated her talents to preventing deaths instead of causing them. However, she would say anything she had to to get the child to go back to sleep. Just as Reina would love to be able to now. Sighing, she leaned over the side of the bed and pulled her daughter close, stroking her head consolingly.

"Darling, if Meriam says there are no monsters, then there aren't any-"

"But I saw them, Mama!" the little girl burst out, her brilliant blue eyes filling with tears from a combination of her mother's doubt and her own fear. "Papa! I did see them!" she insisted, seeing her father awake and turning to him for help. She then proceeded to clamber onto the bed and scramble over her mother to him.

Biting back a yelp of pain as her daughter's flying heels caught her in the small of the back, Reina watched as her husband pulled their daughter close and began to toy with her mess of blonde hair fondly.

"Monsters? In your bedroom? Never! Why, they wouldn't dare!"

"They did, Papa! They dared!"

"They didn't! But you know what?"

"What?" she answered eagerly, fear forgotten as she was caught up in her father's game.

"I bet they were so scared of you, a terrifiying little Warrior Princess, just like your Mama," he winked at his wife, who responded by smiling and rolling her eyes. "That they just scampered back off down to the Deep Roads or slithered back to the Fade, blubbering to their masters like babies!" he finished, tickling his daughter and listening to her giggle and squeal with delight.

"Heehee! Yeah, they blubbered, Papa. I kicked 'em and I beat 'em and they blubbered a lot! Yelling 'Help, help! Save us! Aaah!'"

"That's my girl!" Alistair encouraged, tousling her hair affectionately, adding to the tangles she had already scampered out of bed with. "Sent 'em packing, did you? Good for you!"

Ayla beamed, all signs of terror vanishing with her father's praise.

"Uh-huh! I did, Papa, I did! But..." her smile became sheepish as she hugged him tightly. "Could you come check anyways?"

Sighing dramatically, he made a show of pondering the question.

"Ah... I don't know, sweet. If there's any left... these are my good pajamas, and you know," he lowered his voice to a loud whisper, "your mother would have me for breakfast if I got them covered in monster yuck. Just think: she would have to sleep next to me, all covered in monster yuck. She wouldn't like that at all."

Behind her daughter's back, Reina rolled her eyes once more and had to put a hand to her lips to restrain herself from laughing and giving away the game. However, Ayla's reply demanded she speak.

"So? Mama won't mind."

"Oh, I think I will!" Reina interjected. "I most certainly do not want to be in bed with someone covered in monster yuck!"

"See, honey? Mama says 'no.'"

Appalled, Ayla watched as her father slipped back beneath the covers and pretended to go back to sleep.

"But! Papa! Come on!" she pleaded, poking him sharply in the back of the head. When this elicited no response, she turned on her mother. Even in the darkness of the room, the puppy-dog stare she fixed her with was potent, especially when combined with her tried and true begging technique.

"Ma-maaa! Ple-ease? Please let Papa come check? He won't get no monster yuck on him! I promise."

She smiled sleepily, relenting to her daughter's unbelievably adorable expression.

"I suppose. But no monster yuck!"

Face solemn, Ayla held up her hand in imitation of the many knights she had watched swear fealty to her father. "Promise!"

With that, she turned around and began to shake her father wildly and Reina was certain she could hear his teeth rattling.

"Papa! Papa! Mama said yes! But I gots to keep you safe from monster yuck, so let's go! Come on, Papa!"

Slowly rising from beneath what he had foolishly assumed to be the relative safety of the covers, Alistair pulled his daughter close and looked her in the eye, his stern gaze holding hers.

"Ayla, sweet, if you want Papa to be able to check for monsters, you have to make sure not to rattle him around so much his eyeballs pop out."

Sudden panic crossed the little girl's face.

"Did one of your eyeballs pop out, Papa?"

Sighing, he smiled and shook his head. His wit was lost on this child sometimes.

"No, Ayla. Papa still has both his eyeballs."

"Good!" She beamed again and kissed her father quickly on the cheek. Scrambling free of his arms, she climbed over his body and bounced off the bed, ignoring his sudden gasps as she accidentally kneed him between the legs in her excitement.

Next to him, Reina was beside herself with laughter. Although she was still immensely tired, it was almost worth it for the entertainment her daughter was obliviously providing.

"Shut up," Alistair gasped. "You have no idea..."

Drawing herself closer to him, she patted his cheek gently and smirked.

"Oh, you are so right. I haven't the slightest. Why don't you tell me?"

"Shut. Up."

Smiling, she kissed him softly on his frowning mouth.

"I love you."

From the door of their bed chamber, Ayla called out to her father.

"Papa, come on!"

Wrapping her arms around him, she pressed her body against his and kissed him again, adding more of an edge this time. She purred when he picked up on her hint and deepened the kiss. She felt the tension begin to melt out of him as her hands slithered under his tunic to massage along the muscular planes of his back. She felt rather than heard a low groan of pleasure building in his chest and began to nibble lightly on his lower lip as they continued to embrace.

Another echoing shout from the corridor which, Reina was certain, could have awakened the Orlesian emperor, interrupted their moment.

"Papa!"

Releasing him, she rested her forehead on his, her voice breathy as she tried to focus on words.

"Sounds like someone's waiting for you."

"Let her wait." Pulling her back into him, he kissed her again.

"Pa-paaa!"

Sighing, he broke away, and, gingerly, rolled out of the bed. Standing beside her, he kissed her once more and whispered, "Be back in a bit, my dear. Have to go slay some monsters."

She smiled and reached up to cup his face in her hand, a glint in her eye and an edge to her voice. "I'll be waiting right here to... celebrate your certain victory."

A slow, eager smile spread across his face.

"In that case, I'd best hurry, hadn't I?"

"Yes, I think you'd best. Don't make me have to send out a search and rescue mission." Rubbing her thumb against the stubble on his cheek, she kissed him once more and released him. He would be back soon enough... "Go on. Your monsters await you."

Pulling himself away, Alistair limped to the door where Ayla clasped his hand tightly and began to pull.

Just before he was dragged out of sight, Reina called out to him.

"Hey!"

Halting his daughter's progress, his head popped back into the room.

"Yes?"

Narrowing her eyes and staring pointedly at her husband, a slight smile danced around the corners of her mouth as she replied, "No monster yuck."

Grinning, he winked at her and disappeared from sight, his voice trailing down the corridor behind him.

"No monster yuck!"

As their voices faded into the distance, Reina settled herself back beneath the pile of blankets, hoping to catch a few moments of sleep before Alistair returned and they 'celebrated his imminent triumph over the monsters of their daughter's imagination. Her eyes were closed, but her mind refused to relax. It kept circling back to the memory that had surfaced in the dream she had been experiencing before Ayla had interrupted.

She remembered that night, and it still made her shudder. It had been the worst night of her life, followed closely by the night Castle Cousland had fallen. She had already been wracked with so much anxiety before Riordan's news. The Orlesian man had fallen - literally- in battle the next day as he had attempted to slay the massive archdemon as it commanded its armies of darkspawn from the skies above Denerim. She had known the battle would be long and hard, but she had prepared herself for that. That was part of the task she had undertaken and part of her calling as a Grey Warden. She had not prepared herself for the feelings she had grown to feel for her fellow or for the news that one of them would have to die. It had shaken her to her core and when Morrigan had offered a way to prevent it all from happening, she had been suspicious but desperate to accept what she'd had to offer.

The next day, she had tried to put the entire situation from her mind. Morning had come early and had been more than awkward between her and Alistair. Never before had she actually avoided meeting his eyes and she found herself making excuses to be anywhere but where he was. It had made her feel childish, running from him like that. Maker, she had been about to face an entire horde of darkspawn creatures and take on their archdemon, and she was fleeing from the man she loved. He had allowed her behavior to continue whilst preparations were made, right up until they marched against Denerim. As the masses of their army had marched on, he had cornered her, refusing to release her until they had spoken. Though many aspects of that day were a blur to her, the conversation they'd had still came back to her as if it had just ended.

**

The morning was misty and held a chill which warned gently of the winter to come. Tension filled the air and even the trees seemed to quiver in anticipation as the final battle approached. Columns of warriors of all walks of life marched; men, dwarves, elves, and mages alike, all falling in with the cadence which called out double-time, but they moved faster in the hope that they would be in time to save their brethren besieged in the capital city.

At the head of the column, Reina Cousland marched, leading the masses to battle. Beside her, keeping pace flawlessly was Alistair. She had tried her hardest to position herself away from him, the previous night still fresh in her mind, but he had wound his way through the throngs of soldiers until he was at her side.

She had spent the night sleepless, nerves eating her raw and doubt clawing crazily at her mind. Her short, fiery red hair was messy and tangled and dark circles hung under blue eyes dull from lack of sleep. She had wished he had been there with her last night, to chase her doubts away and lay her anxiety to ease, but he wasn't. She had made her choice, and because of it, he had spent the night in the arms of another woman. Despite Morrigan's claims, there was still the chance that one or both of them could fall to another's blade and what could be their last night together they had spent apart.

Denerim was only a few short hours away now and he wouldn't let her alone any longer. When the troops were halted for a short rest, he pulled her aside into a small cluster of forrest just off the road. Apart from the rest, it was so much quieter; no orders were called out, idle chatter was silenced and whispers of fear had disappeared completely. Away from the rest of the army, they were silent, an awkwardness building between them that had never been there before. She wondered if it was secrets that had that effect on a couple.

For a few moments they stood amongst the trees, wordless and unsure of what to say or how to break the tension. She watched him as he paced, his back to her. His short blonde hair was messy as always, sticking up in the front and his body was tight and anxious and she knew he would have knots of tension built in his shoulders. His armour was polished to a mirror-like finish and even in the bare light of dawn and the shadows of the trees, it glimmered brightly. She couldn't even begin to fathom what was racing through his mind at this point, but she had a feeling it was more questions than she felt like answering.

Finally, he turned to her and spoke, his voice raspy and his hands shaking. She had only seen him this nervous once before.

"Reina... listen... about last night...I... I think we should talk about -"

She cut him off. She didn't want to have this conversation, not now.

"There's no need, Alistair. It's done."

He gaped at her, his temper rising as she tried to push him away again. He wasn't having any of it.

"Um, I'm sorry? No need?! I just spent last night with Morrigan. Morrigan. You remember her, don't you? Creepy, evil, bitchy, conniving, witch woman?"

"No, I completely forgot." she snapped, her temper rising to meet his. "She's only been with us for slightly less time than you have! Oh, and that's right! She just convinced me to talk my future husband into sleeping with her last night! How could I possibly have time to remember her?"

"Oh, I'm so glad your memory works then! Because, I thought, last night being possibly our last night on earth, I would spend it with you! Instead, you come into my room and convince me to sleep with her as some sort of ancient magical sex rite - a rite, which, might I add, I'm not even allowed to know about!!"

"You don't always have to know everything! If I recall, you had some pretty hefty secrets of your own... your majesty," she hissed, regretting her words almost instantly.

His face changed in an instant, pent up anger and frustration dissipating as an expression of abject hurt dominated his features.

It had been hard enough for him to tell her that he was the bastard brother of the last king and here she was, just throwing that one example of his unwillingness to trust her back in his face harshly.

She turned away quickly, not wanting to see his face and leave, bringing a swift end to this entire argument.

Before she had gone two steps, however, his hand reached out and grabbed her arm, holding her in place. His voice, when he spoke was unnaturally calm and his eyes were as hard and sharp as flint.

"I may not always appear to be the most intelligent man or be able to best our resident apostate at her own word games, but I'm not stupid. And you know I trust you, otherwise last night would have gone completely differently, so I don't appreciate you trying to make this about me. I know there are rules, just like in anything, of things you do and don't do in a relationship. Lying is definitely not one of the things that's acceptable. I went along with what you asked because you asked. Because I trusted you and your word that it was important enough that you would ask the unthinkable. But don't try to stand there and make this my fault. You've been hiding from me all morning - yes, I figured that much out," he said, as her gaze shifted guiltily. "And I want to know why. What did you think I was going to do? Decide I suddenly want to be with Morrigan?"

Her eyes dropped to her feet. She couldn't look at him right now. It was insane and she knew it wasn't even remotely possible, but it had been a thought that continuously floated into her mind all night. After all, with someone else, it was more than possible that he could have a family. With her, that chance was very slim indeed.

Seeing this, he balked. He couldn't believe that something like that would even cross her mind! Pulling her into him, he held her tight, stroking her back and whispering into her hair.

"What would ever happen to make you think that? I love you. You know that. You think I would leave you, the most beautiful and ferocious woman in all of Ferelden for anyone?" She smiled weakly, as he chuckled softly and kissed her gently.

"Besides, I'd be afraid of what you'd do to me if I did suddenly lose my mind and leave."

She laughed, a sudden unexpected burst of air breaking free from her chest and kissed him back, glad that there were some nightmares that remained only that.

"So tell me, and don't brush me off again: Why did I sleep with her last night and not you?"

She pulled apart from him and, for the first time since the previous night, she looked him in the eye and held his gaze. She saw a man strained so far to his point it was a wonder he didn't snap. Dark bags hung beneath tawny eyes red and bloodshot on a face that was scruffier than normal. She didn't want to tell him and now wasn't the best time for long explanations, but she could give him something, at least part of the reason for why she had asked him to do what he had done.

'Because I'm selfish,' she thought. 'Wynne was right; love ultimately is selfish. And I made my choice.'

Gently, she reached up and cupped his face in her hand, his skin warm and stubble bristling her fingers. He leaned into the touch. This was what he had been missing last night... The evening with Morrigan had left him physically satisfied but emotionally empty. With her, he had just been going through the motions, and had felt, if anything, more drained when she had left his room in the small hours of the morning than he had before Reina had approached him with the whole crazy idea.

"Alistair, there are two things in this world I would do anything - and I mean anything - to protect: you and Ferelden. Last night, I was protecting both of those things, one more so than the other. It was a strange and twisted way to do so, but it was to preserve what I love most. I... I don't want to lose you. To anything."

His face softened and he stepped close to her to embrace her tightly once more. His arms formed an impenetrable fortress around her and for just a moment, she felt as if nothing could touch her there, not entirety of the darkspawn horde or the massive archdemon. Dipping his head to hers, he whispered softly in her ear, his voice throaty with emotion.

"And I don't want to lose you either. I'll be right by your side, always. I promise."

His words comforted her and she snuggled deeper into his arms. They both wished the moment would never end, but in the distance a horn sounded, signaling the march once again. Separating, they walked back to their troops together, the long, forced march to Denerim resuming once more.

**

It had been so long ago and there were some things, small details she had since forgotten. And others which would have been better to remain forgotten. The room seemed bigger to her suddenly; emptier. The very walls even seemed to echo his absence in the stone. In the darkness of the bedroom, her memories haunted her while she drifted between wakefulness and the Fade as she waited for his return.