Tsceh, how bothersome. Well, more angstiness in this once again, I do not own anything and bleh.
I might make a Kakashi-point-of-view soon, but I might make it in Finnish, sorry guys.
- shotted
btw, I think I really do need a beta. I'm not trusting word anymore.
You haven't arrived for a couple of weeks, and I know you are not on a mission.
Maybe it was the plea or then it was the way I did not reply to your reminder to not forget. It was easy to reply to it before, but now it is become a task that is nowhere near possible. Because every day, all I want is to be yours, fully, completely. If you just realised this, then maybe you would stop hurting me. Maybe you would find out that I do not care for your faults, that I will bear being second to someone who is long gone.
I will not care if I am second to Obito or Minato, I'll cherish them just like you cherish them. Believe me I will do anything to get you to be mine.
I think my plants are withering. I have forgotten to give them any water for a while now. The feel of those green leaves is quite nice against my fingertips and I can't help but compare it to the feel of your skin. A sad smile finds its place on my lips before even that is wiped off by the truth of knowing that you would never see me as anything but a fuck. Finally, it is beginning to settle. Naruto left yesterday to train with Jiraiya, and I can feel the emptiness settle into my being. I have made the lesson plans for the next month and I do not know what to do. My apartment is clean, everything is completely clean and there is not even a speck of dust to be seen anywhere.
I wonder how Mr. Ukki is doing, have you remembered to water him?
I finally water my plants, and actually talk to them. I tell them about the weather and how bright and wonderful it is. I tell them about Genma and how he is still quite broken because of Hayate. But most of all, I tell them about you, Kakashi. I tell them how wonderful you are, and how beautifully your eyes crinkle when you smiles. I tell them how beautiful you look every night when illuminated by moonlight. I tell them of the way you make me feel. And all the while I can hear my own words repeated back to me, and I am wondering if I am going crazy. But if you can talk to Mr. Ukki then I must be allowed to have some time with my own plants. Though I have not named them yet. Would you like the name Kuri for one of them?
My hands are shaking now, and I stare at them with some surprise. They are not supposed to shake. And they are most likely not supposed to be dripping blood. Too late I notice a chakra signature that is not one I should recognise anymore. My eyes close as anguish settles into me as my eyes turn to look at who is causing me to bleed. My eyes widen as I see Mizuki before I just shake my head in denial. No, this is not real, he died, didn't he? I saved Naruto from him, but why is he here again? He shouldn't be here, no. He died!
I hit my head and everything clears. There's no one in my apartment and my arms are not bleeding. There is not even a wound to indicate that I'd have been harmed. I cradle my head and sob. This apartment holds too many memories. And they were all coming back to me. Everything is coming back and crashing on me but I really do not notice it all even if I feel myself blacking out. Why? Because the last thing I remember is the way you asked me if I was alright. And then everything goes black, and I am released into a blissful oblivion.
Arms lifted me up, cradled me, and spun a cocoon of warmth around me. Or no, it was a blanket. Soft words were spoken, but I did not understand them. I opened my eyes, but only barely and only saw two mismatched eyes. Is it you, really? I try to speak, but my lips do not move. But then you let me drop onto the floor, and I realise that I had spoken. I had told you that I love you. The physical pain is nothing compared to the psychological pain that followed when I noticed the absoluter rejection in your eyes. I close my eyes, and I whimper.
"Iruka, must you ruin everything?" Your voice. I will never forget those tones.
"Iruka, must you truly forget your place?" It hurts, Kakashi, if only you knew how it hurts.
"Iruka, you forgot, did you not?" Please, Kakashi, stop. Can't you see; I'm breaking on the inside? Can't you see how I cower from every word you say? Are you truly blind to the way I flinch with every hateful word you say?
And I can not, and all I can do is stare into your emotionless eyes. And soon, there is a mask covering your face and I frown. Why are you wearing an ANBU mask? You are not one of them anymore, are you? Did you rejoin them? Confusion clouds me as I feel the sharp edge of a kunai against my oesophagus. I look up at the mask, and fear is instilled deep into my heart. I whimper, once again, but this time it is the whimper of utter fear. To be looking up at that mask and knowing it is you, Kakashi, my love, is true pain. But I do nothing to stop the kunai from pressing against my skin and I realise that I am bleeding. I do not feel the pain and I frown again, aren't I supposed to be in pain?
And without knowing, I start to cry.
I wake up with a startle cry, and I can feel the wet tracks of tears going down my cheeks. I am disoriented, and I realise I am on my living room floor. It was just a dream. I'm breathing too fast, and I can not believe it was just a dream. I am startled to hear a sharp rapping against my bedroom window, and I know that it is you. I wipe my eyes to fend off the fresh tears but I know I can't hide the tears from you. It takes a ridiculous amount of effort to get on my feet and cast that wide smile onto my lips. But now I know that the fake glimmer I had always managed to get into my eyes is finally gone.
I walk to the window and walk up to the window, and for a while, I just stand there watching you and admiring just how perfect you look. Did you know that your hair is almost white when the moon hits it? You furrow your brow at the delay and I just smile wider and open the window before stepping back and letting you in. I am confused when you do not touch me immediately. My eyes meet yours, and I can see that you have not uncovered your sharingan. You are just watching me, and I can not help but fidget. Why do you watch me so keenly?
I raise my hand to touch you but you shy away from my touch and it hurts. I lower my gaze before I ask you what is it that you want, if not my body. You flinch as if slapped yet I do not care. You actually look guilty for a while, before the mask is once again in place. You tell me that this cannot continue. I know that the smile slips away from my lips. Kakashi, why are you doing this, is my body not enough? Have you found someone new?
And for once, I cannot keep myself from showing you just how empty I've become. And this time, you visibly flinch. You wrap your arms around me and I do nothing. The picture of you holding the kunai to my throat is still going around in my head. Truly, is this situation any different? You are offering me comfort right after saying I am not worthy. You are apologising. Why are you doing such a thing? You do not have to, you are not the one who fell in love. It is something I have given up a long time ago. You could never love a mere academy teacher like me. I am below you and I was quite content with being your toy but now you are taking even that away from me. And somehow, I feel betrayed by you.
You let go of me hesitantly, and I just look at you with dead eyes. Can you see now Kakashi? You have an effect over me that is undescribable. And I am very afraid of just what it will do to me.
Because after you leave, I do not hesitate in taking a kunai and thrusting it into my stomach and then two into my wrists. And even as I bleed, it does not hurt. But I realise that I do not want to die, and with my last strength I throw and explosive kunai out of the window and it explodes. It does not take too long for me to feel warm arms lift me up and hold me, and I can hear the anguished moan.
Kakashi, will this make you happy?
Over and over you make me fall for you,
over and over again you don't even try.