Lord Voldemort Is Not Doing This for His Own Edification
"So? What do you think?" asked the Dark Lord Voldemort eagerly.
Harry Potter narrowed his eyes over the top of his book. "Your prose is overly academic and unable to draw in the reader. Your points are unsupported by evidence, and your love of metaphor is bordering on the obsessive. I think you are an evil, aggressive man, and probably stupid as well."
"Excellent," cried Voldemort. "You find faults with minor details and construct ad hominem attacks. You are well on your way to becoming evil."
Harry slammed down the book, So You've Decided to Be Evil by T.M. Riddle. "I am NOT becoming evil."
"Of course you are. What do you think all this casual banter is about? We're creating a bond, and then I'll use that bond to manipulate you."
"We have no bond!" shouted Harry. "YOU KILLED MY PARENTS!"
"What have I said about talking in ALL CAPS, Harry?"
Harry simply growled.
"Young man," lectured Voldemort, picking up his book and dusting off the cover, "I am not doing this for my edification. If you wish to become a strong leader, with a loyal following, you require a proper education."
"Why can't you just kill me like a normal villain?" asked Harry, crossing his arms over his chest.
"Corruption is far more evil than simple destruction. And I've got a benchmark survey coming up. I was only six points behind Sauron last time. Plus or minus three percent."
Harry threw up his hands. "Oh, well. I wouldn't want to hurt your standings in the Evil Association's yearly newsletter poll andohmygod, I sound like Snape."
"I do think you are spending too much time around him," said Voldemort, tapping his fingers lightly on the book. "He's not attempting to arrange a rescue for you, is he?"
"No," replied Harry flatly. "No one is coming to rescue me. Dumbledore thinks this is a good 'outreach' experience. Know thine enemy, and all that."
"Ouch," responded Voldemort, flinching a bit.
"Snape's not too pleased either. He tried to kill me in Potions the other day."
"Potions?" asked Voldemort with a disapproving look.
Harry sighed. "Okay, fine. Dark Potions. I've been meaning to ask you. Why is everything I learn around here "Dark" this and "Dark" that, when they're exactly what I'd be learning at Hogwarts? Dark Potions with Snape. Dark Charms with Bellatrix. Dark Care of Dark Magical Creatures with Macnair. Dark Baking with Lucius. The only thing that doesn't have "Dark" in it is Offense Against the Light Arts."
"Just trying to reinforce a pattern. Now, read!" said Voldemort, handing the book back to Harry. "I'm not training you to sit around and argue with me."
"I hate everything."
"That's the spirit!"