A/N: Feel free to play along with Chell.
And the first round is dealt.
With the discard of the top card, we all receive two. Everyone takes a quick peak, myself included.
Two of clubs and eight of spades. A steady hand. Nothing special, but it's not bad.
Cortana gives four hundred dollars as the little blind, and I have to give eight hundred as the big blind. Chump change, as we're all equipped with twenty thousand. For now. What could GLaDOS possibly do to me if I don't win?
Firmly placing eight hundred into the pot of twelve hundred, Clementine curtly issues, "I call."
"Same here," Shepard states as she throws her hips in.
Chuckling, the Courier pushes her cards away, folding. "This hand is worse than a bullet to the head, and I can tell you that that fucking hurts." Craning her neck to Moxxi, she calls, "Missus Bartender Lady Ma'am? A pack of smokes and a shot of the strong stuff please?"
"You're the one who can literally increase her amount of luck," Cortana chides as she uses one of the table's panels to push four-hundred dollars into the pot. "I, however, will call."
Hmm. Two of clubs, eight of spades. I could get two pair, but that's a slim shot. Tapping my pointer and middle fingers on the table, I signal a check. Zero dollars leave my hand this round.
"Yeah, I heard about that," the commander adds. Leaning back, she asks, "How does that work, exactly?"
"Easy!" the courier answers. "I just shoot stuff, and say really smart things. Sometimes I push buttons or read magazines."
The panel comes out, and GLaDOS discards the top card. She distributes the first three. Queen of spades, three of clubs, and four of spades.
Cortana pushes out two thousand-two hundred dollars, making for quite a sizable bet. "I don't get it either, but that's how she gets stronger."
Right now, I have three spades. Queen, eight, and a four. Only two cards left to be played, but maybe I could get a flush. The game is young, after all. I push out twenty-two-thousand, steadily calling the bet.
Clementine follows suite, maintaining a brilliant poker face.
"I understand the part about it making absolutely no sense," the commander agrees as she calls. "But how? Do you even know how that works, Six?" she asks, staring at the Romanized courier in disbelief.
"Not even in the slightest!" the courier laughs as Mad Moxxi arrives with her drink and a pack of cigarettes. "Thank you very much!" she adds, taking the poisons into her grasp.
GLaDOS dispenses a two of spades. That makes four spades. Queen, eight, four, and now two. There's only one card left to go, and with a pot of twelve thousand dollars, I'm not sure I'd like to bed on just a single pair of twos if I don't get that last spade.
Cortana pushes out thirty-two hundred dollars. She's a supercomputer like GLaDOS, she couldn't be bluffing, could she? GLaDOS doesn't bluff, but she's one of a kind.
I don't like my odds. Pushing my cards away, I fold. I'm only down to seventeen thousand, so it's not too bad. Looking up, I see GLaDOS's single, yellow optic eyeing me, judging me. The courier's smoke gently floats through the gentle, pale golden rays.
"Smart move," Clementine reassures me as she folds as well.
"Yeah, you can have this one," Shepard offers to Cortana, folding as well.
"Cortana steals the pot," GLaDOS narrates.
All of our cards are vacuumed back into the table, and the deck is shuffled. Cortana makes a net profit of nine thousand dollars, sheesh. It's only been the first hand.
Now I give four hundred dollars as the small blind, and Clementine throws in eight hundred, being the big blind.
Discarding the top card, GLaDOS gives us all two cards for the next round.
Seven and king of clubs. I wonder if she's so desperate for the bounty that she's actually stacking the deck in my favor.
"Son of a bitch," Shepard seeths as she pushes her cards away, folding. "Can you blow that shit in another direction?" she demands of the courier who is happily smoking away the cigarette.
"Fuckin' hell, girl. Don't be such a bitch alright?" the courier offers as she blows her next puff high into the sky. Tossing eight hundred dollars worth of chips into the pot, she confidently declares, "And I call."
"What about you, Cortana?" Clementine asks, ignoring all of the vulgarities. "You're a supercomputer, do you level up or are you already the highest level?"
Pushing eight-hundred into the pot, the AI answers, "I just help John shoot stuff. I don't level up to begin with." Smiling to the girl, she offers, "I bet you level up a lot with all the zombie killings."
With two clubs in my hand, a flush is more probable than expected. I toss twenty-one hundred into the pot.
"No," she answers with a shake of her head. "It's like a ratio. Every twenty zombies, someone I know and love dies."
There's a brief, awkward silence before she realizes, "Oh, my turn! I call, sorry."
Red eyes staring, the commander murmurs, "God. Damn. You're one tough kid."
The courier calls. "Glad to have you with us, Clem."
With the aid of a table panel, Cortana pushes her cards in. "Strongest girl I've seen."
Rolling her eyes, Clementine bites, "Don't patronize me."
"Oooh, I like this one," GLaDOS remarks as she discards the first card and distributes three. Nine of diamonds, eight of spades, and jack of spades. Not the suits I was looking for.
But I could make a straight. Seven, eight, nine, ten, jack. I just need the ten. I put in eight hundred, calling.
Clementine follows suit. "Same."
"Chump change, girls!" the courier boldly declares as she shoves all of her chips into the pot. "All in!"
"Bullshit!" the commander laughs. I have to agree with her. It's very unlikely that she could beat a straight.
I push all of my chips in, causing quite a stir among the three observes.
"I'm out," Clementine declares as she pushes her cards in.
I flip mine over, revealing my seven and king of clubs.
"Nice," the courier whistles. "They're good, but mine are better." Flipping hers, she reveals a seven of spades and a jack of clubs.
At least I now know that the courier isn't fond of bluffing. She can't clean me out with just a pair of jacks.
GLaDOS plays the fourth card, a three of spades. Is this how it ends? Maybe I can get to sleep again without the facility exploding.
"A woman of few words, and soon to be of no chips," the courier taunts as GLaDOS plays the last card.
Ten of spades.
"No fucking way!" the courier gawks as she crushes her cigarette.
"I'm afraid that we'll be taking a more communist approach to the hands," GLaDOS sarcastically observes as she looms down. "As both of you have the same straight of jack through seven, you both will split the pot of thirty-eight thousand and five hundred dollars evenly."
After all of that, I end up with nineteen thousand and three hundred dollars? It's going to be a long game.
Slowly clapping, Shepard admires, "You've got the craziest luck I've ever seen."
"Who, me or the mute?" the courier grumbles as she dumps her cigarette into her empty liquor glass.
"Yes," the commander ambiguously answers as our cards are taken and shuffled back into the deck.
The courier tucks her lower lip in acknowledgement of the joke. "Not bad," she admits as Clementine puts four hundred in as the little blind, and Shepard eight hundred as the big blind. "Smoke?" she asks, offering the packet to the commander.
"Only when I'm pissed," the commander declines as we all receive our cards.
"I'm almost tempted to find out what that's like," the courier chuckles as she lights up again.
I receive a pair of tens, hearts and spades. Maybe she is cheating…
"Okay, I have another question for you, Six." Quickly peaking at her cards, Shepard asks, "Why bottle caps? They're your main currency. How did that even happen?"
"Y'know something?" the courier rhetorically asks as she throws sixteen hundred into the pot. "Apparently, this super genius I killed made severe calculations just before the bombs fell and figured out that bottle caps would be the currency of the new world."
"It kind of makes sense," Cortana chips in as she calls. "Portable, durable, and there would be plenty around."
"Yeah, but you threw in twenty thousand at the flip of a switch!" Shepard gawks as I call. "How do you carry thousands upon thousands of tiny, little bottle caps?"
"Magic," the courier decides with a shrug and a puff of smoke.
Being the little blind, Clementine only calls with twelve hundred dollars.
"I'm noticing a lot of that goes on in your world," the commander sighs as she calls, bringing the pot up to a sizable eight thousand.
GLaDOS deals the first three cards. Nine and three of hearts with an ace of clubs. I have two tens, so unless someone has an ace I should be good for now. Only problem is a two pair, but I'll play this one for now.
Clementine taps her fingers on the table. "Check."
"Finally, something that makes sense," the commander chides as she checks too.
The courier throws in twenty-four hundred. "A little bit of chaos never hurt nothing," she offers.
Cortana raises with a total bet of five thousand, two hundred dollars.
I call, bringing the pot up to twenty thousand, eight hundred. A sizable win for a sizable hand.
"You could buy a spaceship with that money," the courier remarks with a whistle.
Both the commander and Cortana laugh. "No, no you couldn't," they both reveal at the same time.
"Well, I'd sell mine for twenty-thousand," the courier spits with a puff of smoke.
Sighing, Clementine pushes her cards in, symbolically declaring her resignation from the hand.
"You're the only one here who seems to make logical decisions," the commander observes as she folds as well.
"Thanks. In my world, stupid people don't last long," Clementine cryptically observes.
"Who would you say was the dumbest motherfucker you ever met?" the courier challenges as she pushes her cards away too and takes in her tobacco.
At this rate, I'll steal the pot. Before or after the second hand smoke kills me remains to be seen.
GLaDOS plays the fourth card. Eight of clubs. Unless Cortana has two pair, I win.
Using her table panel, Cortana taps the table. "Check."
Frowning, Clementine decides, "There was this kid around my age. His name was Kenny Junior, but everyone called him Duck. He got some good people killed and made a mess of everything before finally getting bitten."
A murmur of "Oh"s and immediate regret set in among the women as I toss another eight hundred into the pot. I have a fairly good chance at winning, so I want to take as much as I can with this hand.
Rubbing her chin, Cortana spends a few moments pondering. "Might as well," she decides as she calls.
GLaDOS plays a six of spades.
"Check," Cortana decides.
I'm down to eleven thousand, seven hundred. Cortana's still sitting on twenty thousand and six hundred. I can't clean her out this hand, and the pot's already twenty-two thousand, four hundred.
I check.
Cortana flips her cards. A nine of diamonds and a five of hearts, making a pair of nines for her.
I flip mine, revealing the pair of tens. The pot belongs to me.
"Nice cards," the AI observes with a nod as I take the chips for myself.
"Cortana has: a pair of nines. And our Aperture Science Enrichment Center employee of the month has: a pair of tens."
With a slow clap, Cortana congratulates, "A solid hand. I almost had you there."
I suppose she's earned a smile from me. Thirty-four thousand, one hundred dollars would make anyone smile under most circumstances, I think.
Our cards are taken, and the deck is shuffled. This time, the commander and courier make the pot. Shepard throws in four hundred, and the courier eight hundred.
"So, commander," Cortana beings as I receive a seven of spades and a queen of diamonds. A good hand, assuming the first three show promise. "I'm guessing you're not a fan of AI?" Peaking at her cards, she growls. "Fold."
My turn, then. I call, pushing eight hundred in.
"I'm distrustful of them," the commander corrects. "I've lost good people to them. The main problem is a faction called Geth. They're all one massive hive mind and tend to get stronger with numbers."
"Like the Borg?" Clementine asks with a small gleam in her eyes as she folds.
"What's a Borg?" the commander asks, truly puzzled.
Slumping her shoulders, the girl ends, "Never mind."
Ignoring the girl, Shepard throws four hundred in. "Nice being the little blind, I call."
"So you don't have any problem with non-Mass Effect AI?" the courier attempts to clarify as she checks for zero dollars.
"Weeell," the commander decides with a tilt of her head. "Big girl above us might be a problem, but Cortana hasn't done anything to provoke me."
Looming down, GLaDOS gets right up in the commander's face. "It's generally unwise to make snide remarks about a female's weight, especially when said female does not answer to your authority can release deadly neurotoxin at a moment's notice."
This is how I die.
"But I know you meant that in a loving manner," the near-deity entity knowingly chuckles as she removes herself from the scene, leaving the commander just a little bit paler. "And the bartender's name is Moxxi, if you're in need of… a mild sedative."
Discarding the top card, GLaDOS deals two jacks, a heart and a spade, and a queen of diamonds. If this keeps up, I'm going to have to see if she's really stacking the deck. I am more than capable of winning this game on my own.
"Just bring me a bottle!" the commander calls to Moxxi as she checks.
"I'll take a bottle too!" the courier eagerly adds as she puts out her cigarette and takes up yet another one. "Oh, and I'll bet while I'm at it," she confidently declares as she tosses out four thousand, four hundred dollars.
"How can you keep smoking?" Cortana asks. "At this rate, you're going to throw up."
I call.
"That won't happen," the courier reassures with a grin. Lightly pounding her chest, she reveals, "Robotic lungs. I also have a robotic spine and brain. Left my real organs back at Big Mountain, so now I don't have to put up with any addiction or cancer crap."
Moxxi arrives with two bottles and a proper ashtray, snatching away the disgusting cup filled with cigarette butts.
"Geez, sorry!" the courier apologizes. "Thanks for the scotch, ma'am!"
"Yeah, bartenders can be some of the bitchiest sons of bitches," the commander scoffs as she folds. "Had one try to poison me," she reveals as she starts drinking.
"It's such a fascinating thing, your kind has built an entire society around self-poisoning," Cortana observes.
"Humanity is self-destructive in general," GLaDOS comments as she deals the fourth card, a ten of hearts. So I'm still left with a two pair, jacks and queens. Still a very strong hand. I can probably win this hand, unless the courier has a pair of kings or higher.
"We also like to take other people's stuff," the courier adds as she raises with four thousand, two hundred.
I raise with eight thousand, four hundred. Bluffing is not my style.
"This is going to be fun," Cortana observes with a smirk.
"Round two, begin!" Shepard laughs.
"No way, mute." Shoving the rest of her chips in, the courier seeths, "I'm taking this one."
Clementine moves to the edge of her seat. She's showing legitimate interest for the first time.
"Damn," the commander whistles.
I won't back down from a thirty-two thousand, six hundred dollar pot. I call.
Flipping our cards, the courier reveals her ten of spades and seven of hearts.
"Come the fuck on!" she growls as she drowns her miniscule chances with alcohol and sharp inhales of tobacco. "I've taken broken out of Caesar's camp, I can't lose to a fucking TWO PAIR!"
"You and the commander have unresolved, emotional stress," Cortana groans.
The last card comes out. Three of spades.
"The courier has two pair, jack and ten," GLaDOS narrates. "The Aperture Science Enrichment Center employee has two pair, jack and queen. Do I even need to say it?"
"Hold on!" the courier exclaims as she starts making random motions in the air before cursing, "Damn it! Why can't I reload my save?!"
Looming down, GLaDOS confesses, "All protagonist perks are disabled with a handy little dampener I installed after the Great Checkpoint Crisis was resolved."
Slumping into her chair, the courier takes one last puff before jamming her cigarette into the ashtray. "Then I guess I've finally cashed out. A main game, fade to black sex scenes, and four DLCs. I guess I had a pretty good run."
"That's what happens when you take gambles," Clementine cryptically comments. "Sooner or later, the house wins."
"Great, now I'm getting lectured by a kid," she scoffs.
"A kid who survived the apocalypse," Cortana reminds.
"And a kid who isn't forcing you to pick one of three colors," Shepard spits grimly.
Looming down, GLaDOS declares, "With the elimination of Courier Six, fifty-six thousand and three hundred dollars in chips, along with the Garden of Eden Creation Kit now falls squarely into the possession of the Aperture Science Enrichment Center employee of the month."
"Here," the courier offers as she pushes the pack of cigarettes over to Shepard. "If the mute keeps it up, you'll need 'em." Creating a horrible grinding of wood, she scoots her chair back and stands tall. Proud, but defeated. "I'm going to go drink copious amounts of booze now and let my bionic kidneys worry about the intake."
What a way to leave the table. But life goes on, and so does the game.
The cards come out, and I deposit eight hundred as the big blind with Cortana being the little.
With a quick glance, I manage to maintain a poker face despite the fact that GLaDOS has apparently given me a jack of hearts and an eight of diamonds.
Without hesitation, Clementine swiftly moves eight hundred into the pot. "Call."
"And I'll call my lawyers if this string of crappy cards keeps coming my way," Shepard complains as she pushes her cards away and grabs the pack of cigarettes. Patting her armor down, she curses, "Shit. Anyone got a light?"
Thundering down, a steady stream of lighters begins to fall upon the table, many smacking the commander on her head.
"So many humans have the audacity to leave their plastics and metals behind," GLaDOS cryptically observes. "But on the bright side: the Inventory can now say that it recycles."
Scrunching her face, the commander sorts through the pile and picks out one that looks like a cigarette. She gets a good snort out of that before lighting up.
"Well, I guess I'll just call," Cortana decides as she adds four hundred.
I have a decent hand, but I'm not interested in playing pawn to the computer lady yet again. I fold.
Glancing up, I see no change in the attitude of the demigoddess. She just plays the next three cards without any sign of disapproval or annoyance. Maybe she isn't rigging the game.
A ten of clubs and two sevens, clubs and diamonds. Could have made a straight, but I'd probably fold now if I didn't before.
"So, Shepard," Cortana begins as she checks. "Word on sci-fi boulevard is that you and Garrus were considering adoption."
"Personal much?" Clementine wonders with a raise of her eyebrow.
"Eh, it's fine with me," Shepard decides as she checks too. "We did, briefly. But then the ending happened, and now I'm left picking up the pieces."
GLaDOS dispenses a three of clubs.
Cortana pushes in four thousand, six hundred. "But what about before? Were you serious in taking on the role of a mo-" Pausing she calculates the commander's glowing scars. "Most interesting parent?" she saves.
"Yeah, no." Shaking her head, the commander unleashes artful doughnuts of smoke into the air. With one last puff, she sends a small smoke projectile through the three hoops. "I'm not parent material. I smoke, I drink, I kill for a living. Sames goes for Garrus, minus the smoking."
"Probably for the best," Clementine observes as she pushes all ten thousand, nine hundred of her dollars into the pot. "All in."
"Damn, kid!" the commander gawks.
Rubbing her glowing blue chin, Cortana spends a few moments calculating. "I don't think so, Clem," she decides as she calls, reducing her savings to eight thousand, nine hundred.
"I don't take unnecessary risks," Clementine deadpans as she flips her cards. Three of diamonds and four of clubs. "Two pair right now, and if I get one more club I get a flush."
"Only IF you get another club," Cortana reminds her as she flips her own cards. Five and seven of hearts. "Three of a kind, read 'em and weep."
"I'm done weeping," Clementine states as she leans in.
"Who would've thought? Playing poker against a computer would result in defeat," Shepard laughs as her cigarette glows as red as her scars. Grabbing the courier's half empty bottle, she begins to drink with glee.
GLaDOS dispenses the final card. Eight of clubs.
Groaning, Cortana demands, "Seriously?!" while the winner slouches back, breathing a sigh of relief.
And the good commander has the decency to spray her mouthful of alcohol more over herself than on the table. Hacking and wheezing, she wonders, "How the fuck are you so Goddamn good?"
"When worse comes to worse, you just hope for the best," Clementine decides as she takes the entire pot, elevating her wealth to twenty-three thousand. She's had more bad luck than good.
GLaDOS narrates, almost with a hint of a smirk, "The young survivor has: a flush. And our unlucky supercomputer has: three of a kind. Clementine wins the pot."
"Is this because of the system thirty-two comment I made?" Cortana chuckles as her vast wealth is severely reduced. "So crabby."
You don't even know a tenth of it, lady.
"No, wait," Shepard starts as she finishes wiping most of the alcohol off of her N7 armor. "You're literally a supercomputer from the future. How are you losing to a kid?!"
"Because she keeps beating the odds that are so slim they're negligible!" Cortana bites back. "Need I remind you that you're down to a mere fourteen thousand, six hundred? You've been making terrible gambles!"
Looming down, GLaDOS declares, "The blinds are now six hundred and twelve hundred."
Cortana deposits twelve hundred, and I add six hundred.
"Bring it!" Shepard challenges as our first two cards are dealt.
I receive two clubs, eight and king.
"I call," Shepard decides as she adds twelve hundred.
"A trending move," Cortana chides as she follows through with the same move.
These hands have been consistently good. It's quite clear to me now that GLaDOS wants me to win. She even said at the very beginning that she needed me to win, that I HAD to win. How could I let myself get caught up in the game?
"Science girl, it's your turn," the commander curtly reminds me, clearly impatient.
"Must be a difficult hand," Cortana observes.
Well, I won't be a part of her little ruse anymore.
"What are you doing?" Shepard wonders, appauld that I've tossed my cards into the air.
"Where are you going?" Clementine asks as I stand up and neglectfully throw my chair off to the side.
Were I inclined to speak? To have a little chat with a very big house.
A/N: To the one out of three people who follow me who have actually been reading this mini series: Thank you. I can't post links here, but you can find a link to the game from which I drew this prose on my deviantart or archiveofourown posts of this chapter.