A/N: Thanks for the review guys! Keep them coming. The more I get the more I'll write :)

The Bella Is A Moron Files

Bella is sitting on the love seat in the living room of the Cullen's home. Alice is rolling her eyes, Jasper is staring off into space and Emmett has his hands over his ears. Rosalie is cleaning out her nails with a knife as Bella talks and talks and talks. All of them are now looking forward to their second deaths.

"So that's what I think" she finishes.

"Who gives a shit what you think? You're annoying and your voice makes me want to shove pieces of glass into my fucking ears!" snaps Emmett he's had enough of the air head and wants nothing more then to drain her and fry her skin.

What? He hasn't had pork skins in a long time.

"Now be nice Emmett. We should be happy that she has any thoughts at all in that empty, annoying small brain of hers. Besides we all know that she's retarded."

"Hey Daddy says the magic word is "special" Rose!" replies Bella who sips from her juice box as she bounces her feet up and down.

Everyone just stares at her.

"That is so fucked up"

"Somebody drew from the short end of the gene pool" added Alice.

Earning both she and Rosalie smiles of amusement from the rest.

"I wonder where my Edward is? He knew that I was coming"

"I think he's doing just that right now upstairs in the bedroom with Jacob."

Everyone laughed.

Bella raised an eyebrow and gave a pouted expression before shaking her head.

"I don't get it"

"And from Edward you never will" replied Emmett.

Even though she didn't understand Bella didn't like the jokes being made about her so she went upstairs to see Edward. He would make her feel better.

Bouncing up the stairs (falling twice) she flung open Edwards door and gasped in shock. She saw Edward bend over his desk with Jacob standing behind him. Both were naked.

"Oh my God! I can't believe this" she screamed.

Edward could feel the magic happening. He was growing soft.

Thanks Bella! He thought. Bitch

Jacob froze. Although he thought that the girl was not only a moron but a huge pain in the ass when it came to his relationship she was still his friend. He needed to think of a lie and fast however the feeble minded retard came up with an explanation all her own.

"I can't believe that you guys are still fighting over me! I thought that we were passed this"

"Wait, you had a thought?"

"I know, that's what I said!" Rosalie shouted up to her brother.

Bella rolled her eyes and turned back to her boyfriend and best friend.

"Listen I want you guys to stop this. I want you to talk this out no matter what it takes."

"Even if I wax his Johnson, go search his tunnel, maybe wet his rim for him, whatever it takes?"

Bella didn't know what a Johnson was but everything Jacob said sounded pretty good. She just wondered where the Cullen's kept these tunnels of theirs.

"Yes, whatever it takes! You two will leave this room with big smiles on your faces after completing getting each other off"

Edward and Jacob looked at her as if she had grown two heads.

"I mean getting off of each other's case. Duh. I have to remember what Daddy says." the idiot said as she whacking herself in the head.

"When thinking gets too hard face the wall and think of nothing at all"

She kept repeating this as she walked out the door and falling down the stairs as they heard Carlisle's aggravated yet calm voice from down below.

"Bella if you insist upon fucking up everything in my home with your lack of coordination please at least have the courtesy to keep my wife out of the equation. Now get the hell off of her!"

"Are you sure that you don't want to drain her babe? It would be so much easier" Jacob said leaning over and giving Edward a kiss on the neck.

"Nope, dumb bitch syndrome is a dangerous thing to a vampires. It gives us herpes. "

Jacob laughed.

"Now less talking more fucking."

Half an hour later the boys came downstairs to see everyone sitting in the living room. Esme was glaring at Bella who was twirling gum around her fingers as the others watched a movie.

Jacob sat down the only spot available, a recliner before leaning back in it. After what he just did to his boyfriend he was tired as hell.

See Edward still standing Bella patted the seat next to her on the floor earning a groan from the vampire and a smirk from Jacob.

What's wrong don't want to sit next to your girlfriend? Jacob thought sarcastically.

"Nope" Edward replied out loud before placing himself on Jacobs lap.

Bella gasped in shock.

"Umm Edward you don't have to sit on Jake's lap. You can sit right here by me" she said batting her eyes, getting bubble gym tangled in her lashes causing her to blink extra hard.

"Oh wow, sorry Bella love. I can't. Remember my bad back. If I get down there I'll never get back up"

"But Edward I remember when I walked in on you and Jacob playing naked twister at his place. You were in really hard position then. In fact it was down right impressive"

Emmett, Alice and Jasper erupted in laughter. So much so that Emmett fell off of the couch.

"Yeah well it's gotten worse since then dear"

"Oh, ok. So you guys made up I take it. But I don't get why you're kissing Jake's neck and playing in his hair"

"Old native tradition when it comes to new friendships" Jacob quickly covered as he took a swat at Emmett on the floor next to him.

"You didn't do that to me"

"It's a tradition for male friends only. I can only do it with male friends"

"Apparently" snickered Jasper.

Rosalie just hid her face behind her magazine.

Carlisle just shook his head, holding Esme back from going after the dumb teenager as she managed to get even more gum near her eye lids, sticking all of her lashes together.

The girl instantly started wincing in pain.

"Ouch I think I got my gum stuck in my hair and my eye lashes are stuck together. I'm afraid of the dark! Carlisle help!"

"Fuck you bitch. Cut it out yourself"

"But I can't see. I don't know what's going on"

"That's the understatement of the year" replied Alice.

Edward couldn't help but look down at the stupid girl and shake his head.

Poor Bella the magic dick softener.