Chapter 2: Avenue Quinn
A/N: This is a reload of a previous story, I just feel that it works better as part of a drabble collection than as a standalone piece. This is a song parody/crack!fic regarding the New Directions finally getting fed up with the antics of two of their members. I do not own Glee or Avenue Q.
After two years of this nonsense the Gleeks had finally decided enough was enough. They were sick of the Finchel drama and getting sexually frustrated by proxy from all the UST and eye-sexing that was going on three times a week. Unfortunately no one really had the balls to address the issue directly with the main instigator and going to the other one would accomplish nothing if the Ice Queen wouldn't crack. After drawing straws and explaining to Brittany that even though she did in fact sketch a lovely picture of a straw it didn't mean she won, Sam was elected to accomplish the seemingly Herculean task now he just needed to figure out how. Luckily having to spend three hours a week listening to Rachel Berry drone on and on occasionally saves the day.
'Ah nothing better than a quiet afternoon reading the classics, best part Berry's gonna be late because of that latest slushie so I won't have any distractions and hopefully won't have to go to confessional afterword's. It doesn't get any better than this.' Just as Quinn has finally gotten comfortable in the hard plastic chair she sensed a disturbance in the force, or you know in the seat right next to her, whatever.
"Hiya Quinn!"
*Sigh* "Hey Sam."
"You'll never guess what happened to me at the Lima Bean this morning. This guy kept smiling at me and kept trying talk to me, he was acting really weird."
"Yes, well as fascinating as this isn't…"
"In fact I think he might have been coming onto me, I think he might have thought I was gay."
"…and? Why would I care about something like that? Hummel would be a better sounding board for you; I don't know anything about…well about that. So what did you get at the Lima Bean?"
"Heh heh, geez no need to get all defensive Quinn."
"I am NOT getting defensive!"
"…"
"W-Why would I care about some guy hitting on you, we are no longer a couple. Are we done here? I am trying to read."
"I didn't mean anything by it, Quinn. I just thought it was something we could talk about."
"I don't want to talk about it, Sam! This conversation is over!"
"Yeah, but Q..."
"OVER!"
"Well, okay, but just so you know…"
(Sam is in underlined and Santana is in bold)
If you were gay
The HBIC immediately stiffened in her seat.
That'd be okay.
I mean 'cause, hey,
I'd like you anyway.
'I'm sure you would, pervert.' Quinn thought sullenly, 'It's not like I'm the one obsessed with lip balm and drooling over my own muscles.'
Because you see,
If it were me,
I would feel free
To say that I was gay
(But I'm not gay.)
At this Sam looks pointedly at Kurt (who proceeds to pout and plops himself sulkily back into his chair) before standing expectantly in front of Quinn.
"Sam, please! I am trying to read..." After a few beats of awkward silence…"Oh dear lord," *sigh* "WHAT?!"
If you were queer,
"Ugh, SAM!"
I'd still be here,
"Sam, I'm trying to read this book."
Year after year,
"Samuel."
Because you're dear to me,
"OMFG!"
And I know that you,
"…I what?"
Would accept me too,
*Scoff* "I would?"
If I told you today,
"Hey! Guess what, I'm GAY!"
(But I'm not gay.)
Kurt sits back down in a huff, muttering about bleached hair and Supremes knowledge.
I'm happy
Just being friends with you.
"Why is a raven like a writing desk?"
So what should it
Matter to me
What you want to do in bed to Berry?
At this Quinn jumps out of her chair to shriek "Oh my God, Santana that is disgusting!"
I agree bitch!
"Oh no, it's not! Yum!"
"SHUT IT PUCKERMAN!"
If you were gay
I'd shout HOORAY!
"I'm not listening!"
And here I'd stay,
"Nobody hears nothing!"
But I wouldn't get in your way.
"Aaaah!"
You can count on me
To always be
Beside you every day,
To tell you it's okay,
You were just born that way,
And, as they say,
It's in your DNA,
You're gay!
"I AM NOT GAY!"
"If you were gay..."
"UGH that is it! Come on Berry! You and I need to have a little girl-talk!"
With that closing remark Quinn dragged a very confused but excited Rachel Berry, that had just entered the choir room, out the door muttering something that sounded suspiciously like 'Oh, I'll show them gay!' and into the nearest girls bathroom for one of their little talks; you know, the ones that require absolute privacy, a locked door, and several attempts at conversing with each other before Quinn would be satisfied enough to allow Rachel to leave the bathroom until the next time Quinn felt the urge to talk with her. Nope, the Gleeks thought, nothing gay about that whatsoever.
The End.
A/N: First person to spot the Easter egg in this will get a special drabble dedicated to them with their choice of prompt.