The day James Kirk discovers that Spock gets drunk off of chocolate is the best day of his life.
The stuff isn't exactly common in 2260, and it takes some dark alleyways and a fuckton of Federation cash to get the really good, pure Hershey's stuff. Bones, of all people, manages to snag three solid bars of it their first shore leave on Earth, and waggles it in Kirk's face in a break room.
"You're kidding me," Kirk laughs as soon as Bones produces it from his pocket, and the grumpy old man has a small smile for once. "Is it legit?"
"Good ol' fashioned chocolate," the doctor replies with a smirk, breaking off a piece and offering it to Kirk.
"Screw that," Kirk half-lunges across the table and takes the whole bar from Bones' hand. Bones lets him, and Kirk leans back in his chair, propping his feet up on the table and breaking another piece off. He pops it into his mouth and chews thoughtfully - he hasn't had chocolate since he was at least twelve, and it tastes just the same as he remembered it. Sweet, melting on his tongue, the whole package. Kirk couldn't tell you the last time he had something that tasted as good as this, and that includes the multi-layer honey cake Chekov whipped up for Uhura's birthday. It doesn't taste of that false, synthetic shit that cropped up about forty years ago, the cheap kind you buy in random shapes that you can conform to anything you want (he has a proud collection of fake-chocolate penises under his bed), and never melts or anything. The kind that Kirk is all but cramming down his throat is the God honest /cocoa/ that only the extremely wealthy (or extremely illegal) have.
"Spock," Kirk swivels his chair to Spock, who's staring intently at the PADD in his hand, fingers swiping across the transparent screen quickly and efficiently. "Try this."
Spock doesn't even glance up. "I am occupied at the moment, Jim."
"It's importaaannnntt," Kirk whines, swinging his legs off the table and leaning forward, planting his elbows on his knees, the rest of the chocolate bar still in his hand. "I'm talking orgasm on your tongue."
"A human tongue is incapable of producing the type of orgasm that you are implying," Spock says, and it may sound flat and monotonous to anybody else, but Kirk knows better. He answers with a hearty eye roll, and leans in even further, passing the chocolate across Spock's field of vision.
"Choco-late," Kirks sing-songs in a tone that suggests that's all he needs to say to convince Spock to eat the damn thing.
Spock exhales through his nose and slides his gaze over to Jim, mouth curled down into what Kirk has officially labeled Spock's Bitch Face #4. "I have too much work to complete, and ingesting chocolate would be highly illogical," Spock says and it's almost a snap. He makes a point of turning his chair a little more away from Kirk, and it's pretty much like getting the cold shoulder.
"Don't get your panties in a wad," Kirk smirks, but he scoots his chair closer, because Jim Kirk does not give up that easily. "Just one bite," he draws out the last word, sliding the bar over Spock's shoulder. "One little bite."
Bones chooses then to pipe up, a piece of candy stuffed into one side of his mouth. "Wait," he holds up a hand. "Can't Vulcans get inebriated from this stuff?"
The tips of Spock's pointed ears tinge green and he sets his mouth in a firm line, staring holes into his PADD. Kirk, on the other hand, is too busy cracking up in loud bursts of snorting, hiccupping laughter. "You - you can get drunk off of chocolate?"
"More accurately, high levels of any type of cocoa," Spock corrects, and he blushes a little darker, grip tight on the device in his hand.
Kirk can still barely breathe, but with one last snort he forces his cackling under control, a hand to his chest. "Oh, come on, Spock," he continues to insist, hooking his fingers under Spock's chair and yanking him closer. "Put the work away for once, ease up. Don't Vulcans know how to have fun?"
"/Fun/ is an emotional concept -" Spock begins, but Jim's answering sigh is loud enough to make him stop, and the captain snatches the PADD out of Spock's hands, powering it down and tossing it aside on the table.
"Eat the chocolate. That's an order." Kirk makes extra sure to insert as much "Captain Kirk" into the words as possible, eyeing Spock sharply with a small squint that he only uses when they're on the bridge. Spock refutes it with a God-honest glare, and though he has a knack for ignoring just about every order Kirk throws at him (in favour of "logic". Aka bullshit.), he doesn't make an attempt to reach for the PADD anyway.
"Of course, Captain," he says back, and the blush is gone from his ears by now. Kirk gives another one of his Dammit-Jim-smirks because he's pretty much won this battle, and pushes the chocolate into Spock's left hand.
Bones, on the other hand, is standing and muttering under his breath - as per usual. "The damn man's still sober and the sexual tension has already multiplied. Great, just my luck." He begins to turn away, but increases the volume of his voice. "Dammit Jim, I can't even get /chocolate/ without you Kirking it up somehow."
Spock frowns like he's trying to understand how McCoy turned Kirk's time into a verb, and then glances down at the chocolate still in his hand. with a resigned noise that sounds almost like defeat, he breaks off a piece and brings it to his mouth, causing Jim to break out into a large smile. "This is gonna be good," he tells no one in particular, resting an elbow on the table and propping his cheek on his hand, watching Spock carefully.
"It affects me much in the same manner that alcohol affects you, Jim," Spock tells him. "It will take much more than a single piece." He directs the candy bar back towards Jim, one eyebrow drawn up in what seems to be a challenge.
"No," Kirk laughs, holding his hands out in front of him. "You have to eat all of it. The whole thing."
"You only ordered me to eat one piece, Captain," Spock counters and his mouth is pursed into what Kirk refuses to call a /pout/, as intriguing as the thought is. Kirk wonders for 3.5 seconds if that's something that Spock is even capable of, before leaning back in his chair.
"Orders change."
An hour and a bar of chocolate later, and James Tiberius Kirk has the privilege of saying that, yes, he has successfully gotten First Officer Commander Spock drunk.
It's seven hundred and thirty two kinds of /hilarious/; leave it to Spock to be a happy drunk, who babbles on about research that Kirk doesn't understand a word of. The best part is that he occasionally slips into a language that Kirk has no hope of deciphering, and it might be Vulcan, but it might even be Klingon or something - Jim isn't exactly a xenolinguistic. Xenolinguist? Regardless, Kirk thinks that if this is the first time he's going to see Spock God's honest drunk then he's getting that all to himself. He even remained sober himself to witness it all because he will never forgive himself ever if he forgot a single moment of this.
"Jim, where are we going?" Spock inquires and Kirk would laugh for the rest of his life at the informality of Spock's words if he could.
Kirk imagines saying all sorts of whacked out, teenage things (he's a teenage girl at heart, remember?), like, "It's a secret" or even pulling a Titanic and saying "to the stars" but scraps it all as stupid, no matter how drunk off his ass Spock is. As it is, he just wants to get Spock alone - he's been artfully attempting to draw all sorts of noises and reactions out of the guy. He's gotten it down to a science - or, at least, he's been applying the scientific method to the whole damn situation, but to little avail. Spock has just about the greatest composure ever, but there's all sorts of tricks that Kirk has up his sleeve. He figures with Spock actually /drunk/ that his results will be very promising. Fingers crossed, at least.
As it is, he ends up just pulling Spock into his quarters for some more experimentation.
Kirk wastes no time in kissing Spock because he loves kissing Spock, he can't lie about that. Really you'd think Spock would be sloppy and all that stuff that comes with the personality, but no, he's probably the best kisser in the whole universe and Kirk has kissed /a lot/ of people. And other life forms. Even drunk, the guy's still measured and slow and /damn/ Kirk could get off on making out alone. God knows he's done it in the past.
"Ever gotten a blowjob, Spock?" Kirk asks against his mouth, voice low and husky because he loves to dirty talk. When God said let there be Jim Kirk, he also said let there be dirty talk, and lots of it, all kinds, no matter the circumstance. He's mostly refrained from it with Spock - well, the reason being that he can never really say much out outside of Spock's name and yells and gasps and all that good stuff.
Spock draws away and does that eyebrow raise of his eyes, and his eyes are widened in exaggeration that only comes with being under the influence of, well, chocolate. "What is a - blowjob?" The word doesn't sit right on his tongue, he doesn't even pronounce it correctly, and Kirk gives him an exasperated look.
"Wait, you're joking right? I know you're not too well-versed on all these human terms, but come on, everyone knows what a blowjob is. I mean I'm sure Uhura gave you some. Oh God, did she?" Jim isn't sure if he's horrified at the thought or a little bit turned on. Not that he'd ever admit that. Ever.
Spock stares at him like he's speaking some language that Spock doesn't know, which is probably really hard to find, and definitely not appropriate considering he's the one that's been babbling in Vulcan.
Kirk makes a disgruntled noise and half-drags Spock over to the bed, sitting him down and straddling him - Spock looks surprised at the action, which is amusing as fuck, so Kirk makes extra sure to settle in comfortably. "A blowjob," Kirk says using that same low voice that he's labeled his bedroom one ages ago. "Is when somebody sucks on that pretty green cock of yours."
Nailed it.
Spock's slanted brows draw together, and the look of genuine confusion on his face is as laughable as everything else about him. "I don't understand," he says, slowly, voice slightly slurred from the affects of the chocolate. "If suction is involved, then why is it called a - a /blow/job?"
"Every high school student since the 1900's has asked that very same question," Kirk points out, not that Spock is remotely aware of this. In fact he looks more bewildered than ever, and so Kirk takes it upon himself to kiss away that confusion. "Come on, you can't tell me that Uhura never did that."
"Never," Spock confirms, dark eyes still startlingly wide. "It sounds fascinating."
Kirk draws away again. "Wait, you've never gotten a blowjob? Oh my God," he laughs a little obnoxiously in disbelief. "That's it - take your pants off, you're getting one right now."
Spock seems a little wary to the idea - Kirk's certainly not going to force himself onto him, no, that is rule number one in Kirk's book - but he does as Kirk says, slowly and methodically, movements still sluggish from the chocolate. A little help from 100% sober Kirk and Spock's all laid out across the bed, which is definitely a reverse from how it usually goes, not that Kirk's complaining. Not at all.
Kirk is not one on procrastination - at least not in bed - and foreplay may be his favourite thing in the entire universe but the idea of Spock never experiencing a blowjob ever pretty much cancels that out. Jim can't lie and say he's not excited about the prospect of being Spock's first blowjob-giver. And yes, that's a politically correct term, he just made it so. He doesn't even tease, as much as he's tempted to do so, and Spock watches him closely as he takes him first into his hand, fingers tightening around him. Because Kirk speaks from experience - it's not fucking easy to start off with a blowjob on someone who isn't even hard, okay, and Kirk's hand jobs are to die for, so he might as well.
Of course, Kirk is, naturally, carefully monitoring Spock's reactions, which is a hobby of his as well as contributing to his, er, experiment. Of course, the bastard isn't even reacting outside of that steady wide-eyed gaze that Kirk thinks won't fade for a while. So, time for Phase 2 of Operation: Spock's First Blowjob.
Phase 2 consists of Kirk taking Spock's said pretty green cock into his mouth. Kirk may not be as apt as blowjob giving as he is hand job giving, but he certainly has a PhD in both, and so if Spock doesn't make a single noise, Kirk's probably going to explode. There's no way, Hell, even Kirk himself is making some interesting sounds around Spock's cock because are cocks even supposed to taste good, really. Sure, Kirk's had some not-bad dick in his time, I mean they all more or less taste the same, but leave it to fucking Spock to have one that Kirk can suck off without having to get around the taste.
Kirk thinks he's doing a fantastic job - avoiding the teeth, easy as fuck, hell, he even knows how to wrap his tongue around in just the right way for maximum pleasure, and hell he's got an excellent rhythm going, not to mention /deep throating/ and if he was on the end of this blowjob, wow. Needless to say, this isn't the first time that Kirk's wish was to be more flexible than he is - it's annoying as fuck because Spock himself is incredibly flexible and that would be nice and all except he's such a stickler in bed and Kirk's gotta draw it all out of him.
What he's not drawing out of him is any reaction.
The pop noise that Kirk hears when he pulls off would be satisfactory - that and the fact that Spock is flushed green and hard and Kirk could totally get him off with a few non-chalant tugs - except that Spock is still just watching him like he's waiting for something and Kirk is really frustrated by this. Experiment, failed, not even a blowjob from Captain James T. Kirk, the king of all blowjobs, can get a single moan out of the half-Vulcan. A half-Vulcan who is drunk off of chocolate at that.
Well, fuck.
"That was satisfactory," Spock says with a goofy smile that looks unnatural on his face after Kirk gave up and just let him come (down his throat because Kirk is a motherfucking gentlemen and wasn't about to let them get covered in sticky Vulcan come. Of course, Spock's diet was another fact - he's a damn vegetarian and all those vegetables and fruit equals good tasting come. A+ for Spock.)
"Satisfactory," Kirk repeats in a deadpan voice, and wow, things are really reversed tonight. "No, I am awesome at blowjobs, that was more than satisfactory."
"It would . . . please me if we did it again sometime, t'hy'la."
Kirk covers Spock's face with a pillow.
(He doesn't miss the t'hy'la though and files it away for later examination.)