Heyyy! Thank you for all the reviews! Sorry for the late update! I had exams earlier on. I have been working on this chapter for a week so hopefully this long (and hopefully quality work) chapter will make up for the late update! I spent so much time wracking my brains… I realised it's hard to separate into different paragraphs whenever I upload from word docx sigh.
Dear StEpHyGrOcK3107: Yes yup yup you got those right! Hehe I hoped you noticed that Alicia tied her hair into twin tails while Fate left hers in a single pony tail xP it was my clue to the readers. There were still some stuff that I left unexplained~ (which will be revealed soon)
As for all of you that wished for Fate to live… Read on to find out? :P
Chapter 2: Of that Brush you Held on (Fate POV)
I was a shadow. My existence, was just to fill the gaps that she was unable to fill. I was a shadow of Alicia Testarossa.
I was the adverse side of her, you could say.
We were born as twins, so dreadfully similar. Sometimes, I would wake up in the morning beside her, wondering whether I had just looked into a mirror.
When we were young, nobody could tell us apart. We had fun pretending to be each other, even our own mother were sometimes confused.
Whenever I was Alicia, Mother seemed a little nicer, a little more relaxed and a little happier.
Though, whenever something happened, blames were often shifted to Alicia, though she didn't seemed to mind much.
Mother never did look at us the same way.
I felt that mother loved Alicia more.
I never understood the reason why. Perhaps Alicia was more playful?
Though years later, I understood.
We played together and grew up together. Older than me by a few minutes, Alicia took pride in her status as the elder, always fulfilling her duty as my guardian.
We were practically inseparable, just like glue, adults would go "Kyaa so cute!" whenever they saw us together.
The differences between us, soon became noticed, as we grew up. I wasn't Alicia Testarossa after all, I was Fate.
I could never be Alicia.
When we reached our elementary years, we stopped playing catching. It wasn't her fault. It was mine.
I couldn't catch up with her no matter what. I would heave and puff out air as if my lungs were constricted by some invisible bind. My limbs would turn cold.
Alicia would then stop and the game of catching ends.
It was then plain evident of the differences between us.
Mother recognised me as 'the one always trailing behind' and Alicia as 'the ever playful one'.
That was, actually an accurate description of us.
I would always be a shadow behind that star.
In elementary school, Alicia joined the basketball club, the baseball club and practically was a substitute for all the sports club.
Physically weak, I hated sports.
"Neh Fate-chan! You would come and support me right?"
Alicia would invite me to some competition that she would participate in, with that killer puppy eyes. I would crumble at her feet, obeying her wishes.
Warming the bench with my body, I would sit at the supporters' corner, watched as my sister crush her opponents, then looking at me with a smile.
Ah her smile was so beautiful. I tried desperately to capture it in my mind.
Alicia would finish her match as soon as possible, ignoring her squealing fans, returning to ask whether I was alright. Surrounded by screaming fans under the hot sun, I was feeling quite nauseous. Alicia would always bring an extra bottle of water for me and we would leave the scene together.
That was the most frequently occurring scenario until I couldn't stand it any longer.
I, after all wasn't that shining star in the field.
It hurts.
It hurts to see yourself as the epitome ace of sports, then come back to reality realising you couldn't even run a single lap without panting.
Alicia's fans, would sometimes ask me questions, mistaking us for each other. I would speak to them as she would, with that princely air and that beautiful smile.
It was tiring and draining.
Thus, I stopped going to Alicia's matches.
It was selfish and I knew it. The day I refused it, her burgundy eyes was watering with tears, though she accepted it without any complaints.
I never understood why.
Years later, I found out the reason.
In elementary school, during physical education, Signum sensei, our teacher, would always mark me as the special student.
Whenever others did four laps, she ordered me to do one.
Other children would often complain about it behind my back, though I managed to overhear them.
"It's so unfair! Why is she so special anyway?"
"I thought she was the one that won the baseball match last week?"
"That was her sister, idiot."
Ah. I was somehow not up to expectations huh? I wasn't Alicia.
I was Fate after all.
I never understood why I was treated as someone special.
Years later, I understood.
It was during elementary school, when I realised of the vast gap between us. We were twins; We were the same, yet we were not.
I began to frequent the hospital.
I would sometimes, missed a few days of school, at Alicia's insistence. The ever loyal sister guardian, would then insist on not going to school either, and we would have chats on the bed.
I used to think, Alicia did that on purpose, just to miss a few days of school.
After all, all I did was to feel a little faint and I would deserve a hospital stay.
I didn't understand why, until years later.
While Alicia rose as the ace of sports, I kept my distance away from the brightest star in the school, least I taint her dazzling glow.
I joined the art club; the art room was near the field. I could watch Alicia, from a distance. I could oversee from here.
Just here, a distance away from that supernova.
The windows, of the art room, were like a screen to me. I could see clearly, of Alicia's practice going on at the field.
Alicia would smile so brightly then, as if the limiter on her bright personality was unlocked, without my presence.
Her smile, blazed across the distance and reached my eyes.
Entranced, I wished for that moment to be captured, in any form possible.
Thus, I started drawing.
Alive and cheerful, Alicia was an enigma for all. Though we were splitting copies of each other, even down to the single cell perhaps, our personalities were world apart.
I probably changed, after Alicia gained much popularity.
I stopped speaking up. I stopped communicating much.
I stopped talking.
It was too painful being her twin, always showered with questions about my other half. So I simply stopped talking.
Alicia noticed, and her elder sister guardian mode would act up, jumping straight right before me taking in everything that was before my sight.
My darling sister, cut off my communication line with her own hands. And took everything I had.
I would stay quiet and stare at her trailing back.
Even if those questions were directed at Fate Testarossa, Alicia Testarossa would answer it for her.
There was no need for Fate to appear.
It wasn't her fault, because years later I realised why.
With much of her time spent at sports, Alicia didn't had much time to study. Her grades were horrible and Mother would be furious.
"Why can't you be more like Fate?" Our mother would lament.
Alicia would whine and complain that she didn't have the time.
At that, Mother would flare up, as if sensitive to the word time.
Fate Testarossa, on the other hand, was the top student of the year.
The day after elementary graduation, I heard people talking about us.
"With Fate-san and Alicia-san combined, they took all the awards for sports and studies! Argh."
"That's true. It was quite funny how Fate-san was so terrible at sports while Alicia-san was terrible at studies."
"HAHAHAHAH you're right. Those twins …"
That's when I realised the point of my existence.
Maybe I was born, to fill in those gaps that you couldn't.
It was years later that it was proven.
In middle school, Alicia continued to be the star of my galaxy, ever so shining and beautiful.
I continued to be the one capturing her most beautiful moments.
People would still mistook us unless they actually talked to me.
There was one major development though. Someone entered our lives.
I stopped tying my hair into twin tails, just to let that person differentiate us better.
It was that spring, of our middle school days, that Hayate Yagami came to know us.
She was special. She was never really captivated by Alicia's form on the field.
There was a room just beside the art room and that was the student council office. A member of the student council, I would frequently meet her outside the doors to our respective destinations.
Soon, nods turned into smiles and acknowledgement turned into friendship.
Those cerulean eyes, were captivating.
I was not sure when, but Hayate would come whenever she's free, always complimenting my art pieces.
She noticed the expressions of the people in my art pieces. She was the first one that noticed. She realised that the moment she saw my drawing of Alicia.
"That person you drew…playing baseball."
"Hmm? What about it?"
"You weren't drawing Alicia."
She noticed. My heart constricted for a moment.
"Why shouldn't it be her?"
"The person in that drawing…. Had the same eyes as you."
At her response, I stopped my pencil. I had tried to portray myself as that star, but obviously failed. She noticed our differences.
At that moment, my frozen heart that I locked away, was once again, pumping madly.
I started opening myself up. Exposing myself to more danger.
That spring, I fell in love.
Alicia noticed that there was a certain short-haired brunette that kept hanging around me. As usual her protective sister mode was turned on.
Arguments and quarrels over me would be made. That tongue of Hayate, though, would always change it into something positive. It was no wonder that she's a member of the student council.
The three of us became friends soon after, and Hayate's cheerful personality gradually shaped us into different people all together.
Alicia became more wild, confident and cheerful. She was the playful prince.
I became more imaginative, creative and expressive. That though, only applied to art. I was still socially awkward.
It remained the same way even in middle school. I was insignificant next to the supernova. Only Hayate did notice me.
It's okay though.
I only need one person to realise my existence.
I noticed Alicia kept smiling into her phone frequently. After much persuasion, fake tears and puppy eyes, my sister relented, admitting that she did like someone.
"Grrr… What about Fate-chan! Do you have someone you like?"
My cheeks tinted at that moment and the ever sharp guardian sister noted it immediately.
"Stop asking me weird questions onee-chan!" I hide under my blanket and pretended to sleep. Moments later, I heard my sister typing furiously on the phone. I didn't care though, until the next day arrived.
It was during club, and Hayate and I were alone in the art room. The seniors weren't here.
"Fate-chan. Do you have someone you like?" I flushed. That sister of mine!
"Uhm…uhm…uhm!" I stuttered but nothing coherent came out.
Hayate chuckled, that melodious sound etched in my mind.
"Neh… How about you promise me something in exchange for the answer?"
"Eh…? Uh… okay." Hayate smiled, at my response. That beautiful smile burned into my soul.
"Your first painting…. On a canvas, would be of the person you liked." She raised her pinky finger and we made a promise.
I was sure, that that painting, would be of Hayate Yagami.
I started painting. It was quite horrible and I hate to crush up numerous innocent papers. You couldn't keep adding paint whenever you made a mistake after all, the paint would soak the paper, especially since I used water colours.
That day, I decided to sketch first and by spending the whole weekend, I completed the first sketch of Hayate on paper.
Proud of it, I kept it under my bed, and went to sleep, waiting for the sun to arise, so that I would be able to paint the most beautiful face on Earth.
Whether it was because we were twins, or we simply spent too much time together, I found out something terrible.
That night, I caught Alicia smiling at her phone yet again. Snatching her phone away and looking at her album, I realised half of it was Hayate's pictures.
After forcing her to speak, she finally admitted that she liked Hayate, in the romantic kind of way.
My world once again, was frozen and came crashing down. My supernova, was once more, there to steal the light of my eyes away.
Were we so deeply alike, that we even had to fall in love with the same person?
Would Alicia take away something that was precious to me again?
Was it not enough that she had many others to adore her?
However, this time I wasn't about to give in without a fight.
Keeping a secret from Alicia, I started to paint Hayate in discreet, on a canvas. I was halfway completing it and I just couldn't halt my excitement.
I picked up a red marker that marked a little heart on it.
There! You can have my heart, Hayate.
I chuckled to myself as I kissed Hayate's photo in my hand.
Hayate… Hayate. Hayate! You have no idea how much I love you.
That summer night, however, I came to realise, that I have no right to love.
The three of us, were an inseparable trio.
I gradually begin to notice, Hayate gave us more attention than she gave another of her other friends.
Hayate's eyes, looked at us differently.
Sometimes, she would speak, as if she's in love.
"Hey Hayate. Do you have someone you like?"
Alicia's question came out of nowhere.
"H-Huh what a random question to ask!" Hayate replied, somehow a little high pitched than usual. My eyes fleeted to her and soon she found herself surrounded by two very curious twins.
"Tell us!" Alicia demanded.
Hayate's blue eyes, fleeted to the side and back, as if trying to escape two pairs of burning red.
"Well…yeah…." She admitted after ages.
At that, both pairs of red eyes stared into the blue, while that blue was confused as to which she should look at.
"WHO?"
"Who…?"
Two voices of nearly the same frequency asked the same question, though in different tones.
"I am not telling."
"Come on Hayate! You can't just leave us hanging like that!"
"Hayate…. Tell us please?"
"Nope not telling. Both of you didn't tell me who you liked either!" Hayate puffed out her cheeks, a little angry.
Out of the corner of my eyes, I could see Alicia biting into her lips, seemly desperate to confess to Hayate.
My heart stopped for a moment.
Thump thump thump.
Is she…?
"Alright fine. Hmph." Alicia walked away and somehow I starting breathing again.
"That stupid idiot." Hayate muttered under her breath.
I decided then, I would confess next week, the day before Hayate's birthday day (as I was sure Alicia would confess on that day).
However, that summer night, I found out that I never should have opened my heart.
After all, a shadow of the star could never surpass the brightness of the one that gave it life.
Two days before Hayate's birthday, that night, I lost everything.
I lost the right to own anything.
I lost the right, to love.
I found the reason for all the things that I found unexplainable.
Because, I was living on extended time.
That night, all phone call shattered the silence. That night, mother didn't come home as expected.
It was getting late and both of us were sitting at the couch, waiting for our mother to come back.
She didn't, even three hours after she should have reached home.
"Hello is this Testarossa residence?"
Alicia was the one that picked up the phone but I could hear the first sentence.
Anxious red eyes glanced at me, then back to the phone, back and forth, until the phone call ended. There were tears in her eyes.
"What happened?" My heart was pumping harder than it had in my life. It was so fast that it was painful to breathe. My fingertips were cold.
"N-nothing much. I-I have to go out for a while." Alicia paled, stuttered and took a step back from me.
I stood up while she backed away.
"Tell me the truth." My chest hurts.
"It's nothing! Why don't you go to sleep? My friend asked me to go out for a while." Alicia's eyes were darting everywhere and she seemed desperate to escape.
"At this hour?!"
"…"
"Where's mother?" My heart was pumping more than three hundred times per minute I swear.
"Work …. Maybe." Alicia backed away more, until she reached the shoe rack. She glanced at the shoes.
"TELL ME ALICIA!" My chest hurts.
"STOP SHOUTING FATE!"
"YOU'RE SCREAMING YOURSELF!" I threw back her words, while clutching my chest tightly. It felt as though glass shards were lodged in my heart.
Tears, had rolled down the face of my shining star.
"GO TO SLEEP FATE!"
"NO! UNLESS YOU TELL ME THE TRUTH! I DESERVE TO KNOW!"
I never did realised that shouting takes a lot of effort. My chest hurts.
"TELL ME ALICIA!"
"MOTHER'S IN THE HOSPITAL!"
I froze, and that coldness, spread to my legs and arms. My world, stopped spinning.
"She… wasn't out of danger yet. I have to go now, Fate. Be a good girl and stay at home." Those hands grabbed mine, and those red eyes, stared into mine.
Thump thump thump.
My chest ached.
It felt like, the glass shards in my heart, snapped my blood vessels.
Thump thump.
My heart, felt like it was shredded.
No. My head was pounding furiously. Ringing sounds resonated within my eardrums.
As Alicia ran towards the front door, my vision blurred.
Alicia… Don't go.
My heart felt like stopped pumping.
It was getting harder and harder to breathe.
My chest, never ached this much.
I felt strangely nauseous.
Thump.
Something welled up inside me and I threw up.
I wouldn't stop.
Viscous liquid erupted from me. Sick, I wiped it away from my mouth, only to have my hand stained scarlet.
Those blood that came out of me, wouldn't stop flowing.
My world was painted red.
I woke up a week later, in the hospital.
The white of the room, almost made me think that I was in heaven.
I looked at Alicia's phone nearby and realised I had missed Hayate's birthday.
My shining star, probably went through hell. I coughed as I tried to sit up straight.
Voices were conversing outside the door of my room.
I pulled away all the tubes from my body and headed for the door, leaning heavily on that barrier, for support.
"You should never have told her! The doctors… said that your sister…. Couldn't take emotional stresses well…" It was mother's voice. I breathed a sigh of relief.
Mother's alright. But why was she crying? Her voice, sounded strangely hoarse and terrible.
"I-I… mother we had this discussion a billion times already… Fate made me say it. I was panicking myself… I… I didn't know what to do…" Alicia broke down at her last sentence and her cries echoed down the corridor.
Why were they crying?
Stop crying.
"They said… the next time she had another attack like that… she may not survive." Mother's voice, had turned hollow.
"I know… I know…" Alicia continued to cry.
Stop crying already. It hurts to hear my dearest people cry.
Their voices, faded into the end of the corridor as they left, probably to the washroom.
I waddled to my bed, and just lie there. Their words, washing over me.
It hurts to live. It hurts to live, if I am causing so much trouble for them.
I may not survive the next time huh?
Moments later, a doctor came in. She introduced herself as Shamal.
"How are you feeling today?"
"Fine."
Noting I pulled out the tubes, Shamal sensei sighed.
"They are supposed to make your life easier you know." I don't need it.
"I feel great." I smiled.
"That's… brave of you."
I continued giving her my Alicia smile, while she proceeded to give me check-ups.
Her instrument, slide over my chest and she smiled too, when she heard the strong thump thump sounds of my beating heart.
"It seems normal. You're really one of the bravest kids I ever saw, with this condition."
Why? Why was she calling me brave?
"Why?"
"You're the first one that kept on smiling, even though you probably know that you wouldn't reach the end of your teenage years… You're lucky that your heart managed to pull through all these years. Usually people with this condition wouldn't survive the age of fourteen..."
She started her explanation, all the while checking and writing on the notepad.
I… Wouldn't reach the end of my teenage years…?
They never did told me.
The doctor continued on, even though I didn't want to hear the rest of it.
"You did well, considering how severe your condition is…"
Stop. Don't tell me.
"It's amazing, that your heart as weak as it is, could function and perform to meet your needs. Though it's becoming more strained as you grow older."
Stop it.
"I am sure that the support from your family helped. Don't worry, as long as you managed to pass the age of twenty-five you will be fine."
No.
No.
No.
My heart, raced and the monitor beeped furiously.
"Fate! What's the matter?" Shamal sensei looked at me, with both her hands on my shoulders.
"Hahaha… It's nothing. I-I just found out about my condition today." I smiled feebly.
The doctor, looked as if she was about to cry.
"They… your family didn't tell you anything?" Guilty eyes peered from behind the notepad.
I gave a small shook of my head. "Hey… can you don't tell them I found out about it? Please?"
"… Okay."
"Y-yeah… thanks."
She gave me a tight hug and ruffled my hair, tears staining my hospital clothes.
"I will keep you alive. Don't worry."
She left the room soon after.
I found, the answer to all my questions.
Alicia, Mother, Signum sensei, they all tried to protect me. Trying to prolong this life. They succeeded though. My life was extended by a year. But it's useless isn't it? How long more could I live?
It hurts to live.
It's tiring.
I laughed a little, at my pitiful self.
I never had the right to anything.
I don't deserve to love anyone.
I don't deserve to be loved.
For after all, it would just have a bad ending.
Alicia stayed over at the hospital every night, sleeping on the visitor's chair.
"Onee-chan? Why don't you go home?" I asked, one day.
"I am not leaving!" She pouted, and puffed out her cheeks.
"Why…?"
"Because Fate-chan will feel lonely."
"I won't. Go home Alicia?"
"No. I want to spend more time with Fate-chan." Her reply was firm. She smiled, her natural smile. The smile she only did show me.
Those eyes, however, spoke otherwise.
Did she… want to make the best out of my limited time?
Onee-chan… This will make our future separation harder for you.
I don't want to make you go through pain.
That night, I decided. I would do anything, to keep Alicia's smile.
I would give up everything.
Because, I don't have the right to own anything.
I should have died a year ago and spare myself from the pain.
I was discharged a week after. Alicia and mother, they were elated.
I attached my medical appointment to the sketch of Hayate, as a sharp reminder that I was to cut off contact with her to make our separation easier.
I burned all the photos in my room and hid my half-done canvas under my bed, never to look at it anymore.
I found out afterwards that Alicia never did manage to confess, even after we graduated from middle school.
On graduation day, I confronted her.
"Onee-chan, how long are you going to be a coward?"
Her face was full of shock.
"When are you actually going to confess?"
My heart ached. Alicia would take good care of Hayate for sure.
I keep telling myself it is okay, for Hayate to love Alicia.
"I…"
It is okay, for Alicia to have everything that I wanted.
IT'S OKAY. I inwardly screamed.
An evil part of me thought that maybe, if Alicia got together with Hayate, Hayate would at least be looking at the image of me when I'm gone.
I was so pathetic.
"I probably couldn't make it to the school she wanted to go…. With my results." Alicia looked down.
We began studying madly for the entrance exam.
I didn't know how long I could be on this world, with my family and Hayate.
I had to make the fullest use of it.
Even if my life is spent, I wished for Hayate to be happy.
I wished for someone to give her happiness.
The last three papers for the entrance exam, was language papers.
Alicia could do all the science and math but she absolutely can't do languages.
I realised my worth then.
I was in the world, to make up for what my star couldn't do. I existed to fill in the gaps. For languages were my best subject.
That day, I purposely made Alicia go back home for something I left behind, with the excuse that I couldn't run.
"Onee-chan… would you make it in time for the train?"
"Of course! I can run!"
And she ran.
I called her when I boarded the train, hoping to delay her return.
The phone rang for almost a minute. I guessed it helped.
That day, Fate Testarossa missed all three language papers and Alicia Testarossa emerged as the top scorer of the entrance exam.
"Tell me why you did that!" My sister's voice screamed in my ear.
"So that you could meet with Hayate and confess to her." My voice was strangely calm.
"Why are you so insistent that we will get together?"
"Because I could see the look in her eyes when she stares at you." My voice was steady, even though my heart hurts.
"FATE TESTAROSSA! Stop all that nonsense!" Tears streaked down her face.
Her hands, reached out and grabbed my shoulders.
She shook my body wildly as my world spun.
"Go confess already." My voice was cold, void of emotions.
"NO!"
"Go. Idiot."
She shook me harder.
"SHE TOLD ME THE ONE SHE LOVES IS YOU!"
That sentence, that I wished to hear so much before, strangely cut through me like a knife.
No… this could not happen.
How cruel.
Living on, hurts.
How ironic. God was such a sadist.
"I don't fucking care about Hayate." Words came out of my mouth. Words that I used to reassure myself of my decision.
Shock overtook Alicia's face as her hand moved out of her own will, slapping me across the face.
Good. Hate me Alicia.
For the first time in my life, I saw fury in her eyes.
If not, our separation will be hard.
Alicia was angry. As if to spite me, she purposely missed the first day of school, even though she knew that the top scorer has to make a speech.
What a stupid sister I have.
I rushed into school without my sister, all the while looking down and thinking furiously.
Stomping my feet a little, I made my way across the school yard.
-Bump-
Brown hair covered my vision suddenly.
Her side ponytail slapped me across the face.
I knocked into someone.
"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!" I raised my head and peered into the face sincerely, a little afraid of the reaction.
Blue eyes, much like sapphires, stared back. It was a different blue from Hayate's.
"It's okay." Her voice, was strangely melodious.
She smiled and I felt myself relax.
Our bags had spilled onto the ground, our items scattered on the ground. We picked up our stuff and shared a small conversation.
Her eyes shone, as she shared a joke with me.
I chuckled. She looked so cute while trying hard to make me laugh.
Her actions were exaggerated and her laughter was so unique.
The school bell rang, halting our conversation.
I looked at her once more, a little sad that our little talk had to end.
"I have to go now. It's been great knowing you… Once again, sorry for knocking into you."
I said before running off. I had things to do.
I rushed off to the teacher's office to report as Alicia Testarossa.
I didn't make it very far, by running and soon I was panting behind the classroom blocks.
Looking at the sky that was gradually brightening, I wondered whether Hayate would recognise that the one standing on the stage later, was Fate instead.
I stood on the stage, and paused.
It was a familiar scene for me, but I was never able to complete the speech without stuttering.
I scanned the crowd for the hint of short brown hair and noticed Hayate staring at me.
My heart began to beat wildly.
It is enough isn't it. All of this was for the sake of everybody's happiness.
I introduced myself as Alicia Testarossa, noticing Hayate's eyes flickering. Even from a distance, her eyes were like luminous lights.
Looking at the crowd, I spotted another pair of shining blue eyes. They belonged to the girl this morning.
I felt myself having the courage to finish the speech..
With that I spoke as if I was my sister, that charismatic enigma.
I ended the speech quickly and the claps I received were thunderous.
For the first time in my life, I felt that I accomplished something.
"Neh Fate-chan." The sisterly figure stood in my room, after I returned home from the entrance ceremony.
She stood near my bed, seemly noticed that all our family photos cease to exist in my room.
"What." I snapped. The long day had been wearing me down.
She flinched then looked at me with those watery eyes again.
"I'm sorry." She looked down after apologising.
"For what." I couldn't look at her.
"F-for what I did yesterday."
"You mean for slapping me? It's okay. I deserve it."
"You didn't mean it." She said flatly, reading through me.
"I did."
"I am your sister, Fate-chan. I know what you're thinki-"
"Shut up."
"Fate-chan I-"
"SHUT UP! I don't want to hear that from you!"
Hurt filled itself within her eyes. My star was crying.
"Even though the one Hayate loves is you… Even though you loved her…. Why must you do this to us?"
"GET OUT!" She recoiled, but stood firmly.
"No."
"I hate you. I hate you. I HATE YOU. Get out of my sight."
"Fate-ch-"
I pushed her out of the doorway and slammed the door shut, locking it and I collapsed on the ground.
Leaning on the door, I silently cried.
The door felt just a little warmer and I could hear Alicia sobbing right outside.
No matter who we are, we are twins huh?
I didn't speak to Alicia much again after that.
She would frequently try to strike up some sort of conversation that would end in a monologue.
It's okay. I don't have to maintain a close relationship with her. I would one day leave anyway.
On the day of the club try outs, I headed straight for the only club that lacked members.
I opened the door to the art room, and nobody was there.
Grabbing a piece of paper from the table, I dug within my bag, searching for the correct tools to start my piece.
That's when I realised, that the brush Alicia gave me, was no longer there.
I didn't really care. Everything felt numb and blurry.
Sometimes, I felt that I wasn't living my own life anymore.
Maybe, my heart no longer contained anybody.
I kept on drawing, using pencils.
I sketched a drawing of mother, along with me.
Somehow I just didn't feel like adding Alicia in.
Onee-chan. Forgive me for my selfishness. I just feel like having something or someone to my own. Just for this once.
I didn't realised that the sun was setting.
The orange glow from the outside shone through the window, as I completed my last stroke.
"Alright, it's time for clubs to end. The school is closing soon." A voice reached my ears.
I looked up, a little shocked.
A teacher was speaking to me.
It was the art teacher, Carim sensei.
She coughed as she asked, "Fate-chan would you join the art club? You're in the art club since middle school right?"
"Yeah I intend to join." I said flatly.
I wonder, exactly how many pieces could I draw, till I collapse?
How many days would I be able to see the sunrise?
"Good."
As I was leaving the room, you, that girl that I met on the day of the entrance ceremony was there.
I unconsciously smiled.
"Hey… It's been a long while."
"Y-yeah…." Your eyes seemed to waver a little, and you looked a little nervous, as if afraid that I wouldn't recognise you.
"Glad to know you're joining too."
"Same here."
I stared at the clock and realised I was late for my medical appointment.
Shamal sensei's worried face appeared in my mind as I dashed out of the classroom, leaving you behind.
"I gotta go."
I didn't manage to hear what you said.
You asked me to call you Nanoha.
I gladly agreed, and you called me Fate-chan.
It was endearing, a little different from how Hayate called me.
It was awkward at first, but I found myself little by little, wanting to hear my name from your lips.
I would wait in the room patiently, for you to arrive in the club room.
At exactly one fifteen, you would appear on the dot, as if this was a ritual.
I would pretend to be engrossed in the art piece that I casually lay out, waiting for you to praise me.
It was pathetic I knew, but I found myself somehow drawn to you.
I swear you bring out the worst in me. I didn't even care that I was going to hurt you if I died.
You could read my pieces. I could tell that you enjoyed the stories I told through my art.
All I know was that I wanted to be with you this moment.
You would look at me with those deep blue eyes, as deep as the sea, as wide as the skies.
You were like another shining star in my galaxy.
For the second time in my life, I was glad that I was alive.
Somehow when I was with you, living on didn't hurt as much.
Somehow when I was with you, it seemed a little easier to breath.
When I was with you, I was happy.
Everything else doesn't matter.
That day you asked me why I didn't paint.
I flushed a little, remembering my promise and wondered whether I would one day, paint you.
It was strange that it didn't hurt as much to think about Hayate anymore.
Maybe she didn't even remember it anymore.
Ah I was wrong, it still hurts.
I snuffed out the thought of Hayate and concentrated on the pair of blue in front of me.
I was slowing sinking into the depths of your blue.
I was curious though. Surely a girl as beautiful as you would have many suitors?
Not to mention that we were of the same sex…
That day, I asked a burning question.
"Hey Nanoha. Do you have someone you like?"
"Uh…" My heart was pounding at your unclear answer.
Surely not…?
She flushed a little, and became silent.
It's fine isn't it? I don't really want to know. I realised.
"Never mind. Sorry for asking that."
"W-why did you ask that?" You questioned me.
I blushed, a little embarrassed.
"E-eh? It's nothing." I stuttered again.
I sighed as I lay my head on the table.
I wonder whether I would stop stuttering when I'm nervous one day.
"The person I like…" You began saying and I vaguely noticed that your face was close. Blood rushed to my cheeks.
I shot straight up, giving you my rapt attention. I leaned a little closer, hoping to hear you continue the sentence.
"is a wonderful person." She ended her sentence without actually revealing anything important.
"Mou… Stop teasing me Nanoha."
You chuckled and that vibrant laughter made its way to my mind.
I was sure I would remember it till the day I die.
Your smiling face, captivated me.
"Nanoha?"
You looked at me quizzically.
I didn't know what came over me at that moment, but I invited you to my house.
Surely, I was going crazy.
You taught me many things, in this brief period that I had known you.
You taught me to smile.
You taught me never to give up.
You were there by my side all the while, sometimes calling me when I was absent from school.
The next day you would pretend to be unconcerned about it, though whenever I felt dizzy you would be worried.
I loved the way you called my name.
It was unique somehow, and I felt myself wanting to see you more often.
I was attracted to your clear blue eyes, your personality, and your actions, much like a moth to the fire.
I fell in love again.
Alicia onee-chan realised I was a little happier.
I was once again believing in this life that I have.
Perhaps I was just overthinking everything.
After all if I made it to the age of twenty-five, I would be fine right?
My sister was even more caring than before as if pushing me in the right direction of thought.
Everybody, and you, made me realised that this world was actually beautiful. Just like when I was young.
After you went to my house, I made up my mind.
I couldn't deceive myself anymore.
I love you.
Even if it wasn't mutual, even if you hated me after that, I would paint. I would paint a piece of you.
I bought a new brush, with my name engraved on it.
I would start afresh, as Fate Testarossa.
If my life was going to end, I would at least leave without regrets.
That day, we promised to meet in the art room.
You came earlier than expected.
I was still touching up on your hair.
As you stood at the doorway, I stood up hastily, not wanting you to see this imperfect piece of work yet.
You looked somehow sad.
Did something happen?
"Ah! Nanoha-! Give me a minute. I just need to touch up on this." I smiled a little nervously, blushing a little.
Somehow you looked like you're about to cry.
Was this a wrong decision after all?
My hands shook just a little, as I applied more paint to the face I'm painting.
The face of Nanoha Takamachi.
Your voice drifted over, completely stopping my actions.
"Neh Fate-chan. You wanted to know who I liked right?"
Nanoha.
Did your heart already belong to someone else?
Why was it that everything that I wanted, was so out of my reach?
"Uh…uh….yeah."
The next words you said, brought me hope however, and expectations.
"I liked a certain blonde…"
I raised my head and stared into those blue eyes.
I felt my heart pumping faster.
Surely not…?
Maybe just a little, I hoped.
"A certain Testarossa…"
My little heart fluttered. My little hope, soared. Perhaps, just perhaps even I could wish for happiness?
After all, how many Testarossas were in this world?
My heart started to beat so furiously that it hurt.
I looked squarely into your eyes, wishing for you to say those words.
Just a little, I hoped.
"That person was good at sports and studies. And is a good artist. She aced the entrance exam."
In a blink, my hope dissipated. I barely caught the words.
I wasn't good at sports.
I didn't ace the entrance exam.
Alicia onee-chan, do you have to take away my happiness once again?
Faster and faster, I felt my heart beat.
Something was ringing in my ears.
After all I was just a shadow. Nobody realises my existence.
Your voice didn't just stop there.
"That painting. Was that of Hayate?"
No.
NO. This is so wrong.
I like you Nanoha.
"I saw you kissing her."
Hayate? And onee-chan.
Ah. Hearing your ex-crush kissing your sister, was still unbearable on so many levels.
I guess I just wasn't loved by anyone.
Surely everybody would come to hate me.
As long as Alicia Testarossa is alive, there is no need to Fate to be here.
The brush in my hand landed on the floor, as you rushed out of the classroom.
My chest hurts.
It was just like the other day.
It wouldn't stop pumping faster. Faster and faster, my heart wouldn't stop beating.
My limbs turned cold.
My chest hurts.
Why is everything so messed up?
Why do we have to be twins?
Nanoha…
Why couldn't you tell the difference?
It was that horrible feeling again.
The pressure in my chest exploded as I held the canvas with both of my hands.
I tried to focus my gaze onto that beautiful face.
Perhaps, this is the last time I would ever see your face.
Even at the last moment, you wouldn't give me a smile?
Your face, was tainted by my blood as I collapsed on the ground.
Ah the ground is so terribly cold.
You rushed in right after my body landed on the ground.
It was a sickening sound and I realised I may never again rise from it.
Is this the end?
I grabbed your hand desperately when you came over.
Don't leave me.
Don't leave me alone.
I wanted to tell you, that I was Fate.
Don't mistake me for my sister.
The brush was in my hand… If only I could give you my brush, perhaps everything would be clear?
I saw you open your mouth, but I couldn't hear anything.
I couldn't hear your melodious voice.
That's when I realised you're grabbing Alicia's brush.
How cruel.
Even at my last moment…
I was just a shadow of that star.
I smiled.
It's okay isn't it?
There was no need for Fate to be alive.
All they needed was Alicia.
I stared into your sapphires once more, hoping that I would get lost in those blue.
Nanoha...
Those blue was the last I ever saw, as my world disappeared into darkness.
When I woke up later, I was Fate Testarossa no more.
I wondered why God didn't let me die instead.
-End of chapter 2-
A/N: How was the second chapter? As for the last paragraph, it would be revealed later, in the third chapter. Anddddd it would be from somebody else's POV. Sorry for the late update! Hope you enjoyed this chapter! (Hopefully shed some tears too :P) This is the longest chapter I ever written omg I need a break. Thank you for sticking with me for so long! Till the next time!