Fallout: Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I do not own NCIS: Los Angeles, any of its characters or anything else related to the series.

A hush seemed to spread through the halls as they walked towards their desks in the bullpen. Kensi felt the overwhelming need to reach out her hand and intertwine her fingers with her partners'; but she knew that such an action would, firstly, not be received too well, and secondly, completely blow the top off what was technically supposed to be a secret relationship. The looks she was receiving – the eyes darting from her to Deeks and back – told her what she already knew. That well… Everybody knew.

If Deeks noticed the stares and the silence – and there was no way that he could not – he didn't let on. He just kept walking, staring straight ahead, occasionally sipping on his cup of coffee. New Deeks had taken to drinking straight black espresso instead of the flavoured, sugarless funky drinks he used to. And she was pretty sure she had tasted nicotine in his kiss once or twice. He had changed the subject when she asked and, as she did with most things these days, she didn't press him. She told herself she would if (when) it became a regular habit, rather than an occasional thing.

When they walked into the bullpen, the team was waiting for them. They probably wanted to welcome Deeks back, but also didn't want to make a big deal about it and freak him out – the result was an exceptionally awkward display that made Kensi want to drag herself back into the Hallway of Stares. Sam, who had come back to work only a month before, already sat at his desk across from Callen. The two rose simultaneously from their desks as if to greet them. Except they both seemed to think twice, and paused. For a moment, all Deeks could do was stand there and watch the pair stand and stare and be awkward, and all Kensi could do was stare at Deeks. This until an excited screech broke the silence.

Kensi's eyes were already rigged on Deeks, so she caught the way he startled at the sound, despite how quickly he composed himself afterwards. She caught the slight, but nonetheless violent, shake of his shoulders, and the widening of his eyes, before he steeled his posture his expression. The yell had come from Nell, who ran down the steps and greeted Deeks with a hug.

"Deeks! Welcome back! We missed you so much!"

In that moment, Kensi wished she had talked to Nell beforehand.

Old Deeks would no doubt have laughed at her overzealous greeting, hugged her back, possibly spun her around or tickled her or something childish and wonderful, and made some smart comment. But New Deeks stood stiff as a scarecrow, his expression schooled from recovering from his overreaction moments before.

"Uh… Hi Nell." He finally uttered, with the slightest of a forced smile. "Hi guys." A chorus of greetings ensued. "Look, I just want to get back to work, okay? No big deal. Okay?"

Nell broke her hug. She sheepishly stood back.

A few long moments passed with everyone just standing there, not knowing what to say, until Deeks nodded, walked back to his old desk, placed his messenger bag on top and started to unpack his things. The team followed in suit, and Nell and Eric back up to Ops.

"So…" Sam ventured finally. "You're back on active duty?"

"Desk duty for now. Just a formality, really. I'm fine."

Sam opened his mouth to reply, about to give a speech about there not being any shame in taking a desk job for a while or something of the sort, but Kensi caught his eye and subtly shook her head to stop him. She knew it had to be killing him. Since Sidirov, Sam had been struggling. His own injuries had been minor, but the psychological effects were a very different story. She had asked Nate about Sam's status a couple of times; the little he could mention painted a picture of a pained, guilt-ridden man haunted by nightmares. She knew that Sam must be aching to speak to Deeks and apologize. But in the six months since Deeks had woken up, the talk just hadn't happened yet.

Deeks kept his head down and didn't seem to be interested in any more pleasantries, and thankfully the team seamlessly took the hint and got to work.

There wasn't a new or active case to work on, and Kensi was happy in a way. She knew Deeks' paperwork had piled up in his absence, and the man famously hated paperwork with the deepest of passions. Being desk-bound had to sting in principle. At least now he didn't have it do it alone.

She had her own work to do; however, Kensi found herself unable to concentrate on the tedious work, with too many thoughts and emotions tumbling around in her head and taking precedence.

Her mind flew back to the day she had taken Deeks home from the hospital.

X

"You don't have to do this." He crossed his arms. He was sitting in the passenger seat of her car, with a less-than-happy expression on his face. His jawline was still pretty swollen and black and blue, but much better than it was originally and he could speak normally again. And he had gotten the missing teeth replaced by dental implants.

"Yeah, I kind of do. If you want to go home, you need to have someone take you. Stay with you."

"I'm fine."

"I know." She suppressed the desire to roll her eyes. He hadn't reacted too well when she did last time. "I know you're fine. But the doctors have you on some hectic pain meds and they don't want you home alone if you're gonna be all hopped up and loopy. And-…" She looked up and tried to meet his eyes, but he avoided her gaze expertly. "I want to, okay? I know you say you're fine. But… I couldn't have your back before. Let me have your back now at least? Please? If only to humour me."

He didn't reply to that, but his face softened the slightest bit and he didn't argue anymore.

She pulled up into his driveway and went round to get her go-back from the trunk. He stared at the back with narrowed eyes, but said nothing. He was dead against the prospect of having her stay with him when the doctor first proposed the idea. He waited for her and she opened the door with her spare key, the same one she had been using all the while he had been in the hospital to get Monty and send him to his "sitter", replace the groceries and prepare his couch for her to sleep on. And – thought she'll never admit - sleep in his bed the few nights he had insisted she go home, that he wanted to be alone. She found it easier to sleep in his sheets that held his scent, than her own cold bed.

"Monty's at his usual place." She said. He nodded. "I placed him under my name this time though. I didn't know which alias you were using. And I got groceries. Mostly microwavable stuff, and a lot of ready-made soups for… you know. Figured you might not feel up to cooking and I if I were to try making anything from scratch…"

She figured that'd at least get a chuckle.

Deeks plopped himself down on the couch and let out a long sigh. The silence was killing her, so Kensi grasped at the one strand of familiarity she could find within the scene:

"Movie?"

They were watching a mild independent film from Deeks' collection. She hadn't seen it; not even when it was his choice on one of their movie nights. She wasn't really concentrating on it now either. Instead she was watching Deeks out of the corner of her eye, sipping cream of chicken soup from a mug with his eyes glued to the screen. Her mind racing with questions and overwhelming emotions and a fantasy of blue-eyed babies that she should have gotten out of her head by now…

"Stop staring at me." He said.

She blinked. "Not staring."

"Yeah, you are. Sideways glance still counts as staring." It wasn't much, but it kind of counted as banter?

He placed his mug down and drew a breath. "Look, Kens. Uh…"

She locked eyes with him now, mismatched brown and a haunted, duller blue. But still blue, and stil so beautiful.

"Kens, I guess I just wanna say… thanks. Thanks for not pushing me. And… thanks for this. This is nice. This is… what I needed I guess."

She smiled, thankful that the low lights hid the blush that was definitely spreading across her cheeks.

"Anything, partner." She reached out her hand tentatively and placed it over his. It had been a tentative and docile move, but a move nonetheless. And though she hadn't expected it, he took it as a cue and responded. He leant in and kissed her. It was fiery and intense and physical, and unlike the other kisses they had before; there was none of the gentle, rattling emotion that had touched her so before. But the kiss certainly had her shaking…

He pressed her down against the cushions of his couch, and Kensi was completely lost after that.

X

They had been sleeping together ever since; pretty much every night, except on low days when he requested a night alone. Yes, initially she had argued and told him they should stop it; she was supposed to be the sensible one here. She was supposed to take care of him, and make sure that he only made decisions that were in his best interests, given his volatile state. She knew, for both their sake's, that she should have ended their new romance the moment it began. But Deeks refused to discuss it when she brought it up. He'd evade questions and confrontations with excuses, or harsh words, or by walking away. And in the end, every night ended up the same way. They just couldn't stay apart. Right now she was just trying to make the best of it – if finding comfort in her arms was helping him cope then who was she to deny him that? She'd be lying if she said she wasn't enjoying it. It was a comforting reassurance. He was here, and in the smallest, most non-committal way he was hers.

Now they were at this weird half-relationship place. In public, New Deeks would make sure that there's always plenty of distance between them; his words were cool, his gaze was distant. But in private, in those moments when it was just him and her, seeking solace together, she saw glimpses of Old Deeks - in the tug of a lopsided smile on his lips, in a rare glint of mischievousness in his eye and in the way his hands were warm and rough and everywhere. Those moments kept her going. They reminded her that this was just Deeks' way of processing his trauma and that one day – one day soon, she prayed – she'd find him well again.

After a morning of trying to force herself to concentrate on dull paperwork, Kensi jumped at the opportunity for some fresh air and a change of scenery by volunteering to go get lunch.

"Keep me company?" She asked Deeks as she stood by his desk.

He was seemingly engrossed in the context of his IN-pile and barely spared her a glance when he answered. "Not really hungry. Think I'll skip lunch."

She stalled. "You have to eat, Deeks." In a hushed tone. "We can go get your favourite at that funky hipster food truck by the pier? You can get that way-too-expensive sandwich whose name I can't pronounce?"

"I'll go." Callen replied in Deeks' place, standing up and picking up his wallet and ID to go. Although less than happy with this arrangement (she had hoped to coax another half-smile from him and maybe a spontaneous kiss somewhere in the mix), Kensi nodded and walked off to the car with Callen in tow. There was no arguing with Deeks when he got like this. She'd get him his favourite lunch, but she's willing to bet that he won't take more than two bites of it.

As she drove off towards the pier, she couldn't help but realize how much the New Deeks kind of reminded her of herself. At least, the version of herself she had been sporting these last couple of years, before this all happened. Before she was forever changed by facing the unspeakable fear of possibly losing the person you love more than anyone else. New Deeks was like that scathed version of herself. At all times he had sky-high, impenetrable walls up, masking his emotions and ensuring a safe distance between herself and everyone else. Overuse (and misuse) of the word "fine"... It made her feel sorry that she had made him deal with that. How much time could they have saved if she had given in to her feelings and let him in earlier in their partnership? Where would they be if she hadn't been so wary of letting people get close to her? Would they have gotten together? Would they still be together?

At least the symmetry between herself and New Deeks gave Kensi some hope. She had experienced herself that, if worked at long enough with enough love and dedication, those walls can be broken down. Hers have, not long ago, by a blonde surfer boy who was smarter than he let on and not as charming as he thought…

X

Back in the bullpen, Deeks was still silently working. In the desk next to him, Sam was struggling to find the right words for the conversation he had long avoided but sorely needed to have.

"Deeks-…" He started. "Deeks, we need to talk."

Deeks stalled and looked up at his teammate. "We don't need to talk, Sam. I already know what you're gonna say. I don't blame you, okay? What happened in there… it was my choice. It was my decision to go in without backup; it was my decision to… Whatever. I don't blame you for any of it, and you shouldn't blame yourself. Can we leave it there?"

But Sam wouldn't leave it there. He had been struggling with this all six months, imagining and re-imagining this conversation. He had to get it out. He had to apologize for saying those things to him; he had to thank him for his strength and loyalty, for protecting his wife and placing his own life in jeopardy. "Okay, yes, but could you just listen to-…"

"Just drop it, man. What's done is done." Deeks' words were harsher than Sam had ever heard, but still he pressed on.

"But it's not, I-…"

Before Sam could finish his sentence, Deeks had risen up from his chair with an unfamiliar, violent energy and strode off out of the bullpen. Startled by the uncharacteristic rashness of Deeks' actions, and much affected by the opened wounds and the liaison's unwillingness to grant him proper closure, Sam did not run after him.

Okaaay… So there's chapter 2. I hope it answered some of the questions you guys raised in the reviews. As to the question of flashbacks: yes, I am planning to use flashbacks as a tool throughout the fic. I know there's a lot of mystery as to what happened in the six months in between Deeks waking up and going back to work, but I promise those gaps will be filled! Please let me know what you guys are thinking – good, bad, whatever. And if any of you have any ideas related to plot of things you want in here, please let me know. Some of the greatest twists I've had in my fics come from suggestions from reviewers. And though I've got a rough idea of where I want this fic to go and what I want to happen, it's always nice to have fresh ideas and opinions to put some meat on the bones.

Much love,

Zanny