Chapter 2 – Solitude and Grief

Richard felt like he had just been stabbed in the heart. This was not the reunion he had been hoping for. He had spent five months traipsing across the Midlands, fighting banelings and screelings… and for what? To return to his love and find out that she'd been with another… and was carrying his child! All the elation he had felt over defeating the Keeper and sealing the rift vanished in a heartbeat as he stared in horror at Kahlan's swollen belly. He furrowed his brow in dismay and pain, struggling to even look at her.

When he did finally look up, he saw anguish in her face. She looked just as heartbroken and grief stricken as he was. Yet her eyes still held that spark of love for him. However, all that seemed moot now. He could not help but gaze upon her enlarged belly, knowing what it meant, what she had done to get in that condition. He stumbled back and clenched his jaw, trying not to cry. Kahlan made a move to step closer, but he backed away, utterly horrified and dazed, not knowing what to do or think. Kahlan reached out for him, her eyebrows coming together in sorrow and regret.

Richard turned and dashed away, rushing out the doors. He did not know where he was going, but he had to get away. No matter how much he loved Kahlan, he could not handle this situation. Not now. Not after everything he had sacrificed, everything he had been through to return to her. Being out of her eyesight gave him the strength to finally let go and sob. The tears rolled down his face as the pain in his heart seeped out and spread throughout his entire body, leaving him numb and blind to the world around him.

Stumbling around, Richard wandered into the gardens behind the Confessor's Palace. He looked around, feeling hollow and empty inside, unaware of the beauty around him. Minutes ago, he would have found this place relaxing and calming his rack nerves. But the lush foliage and wildflowers had no appeal to him right now. They reminded him of Kahlan… of her beauty. He closed his eyes and felt the hot tears streak down his cheeks. Raking his fingers through his hair, he inhaled deeply, shuddering with each breath. He felt like crawling away to some dark hole in the ground and dying. He had never felt so miserable in his entire life.

Finding a place to hide proved easier than he thought. He located a wayward pine and pushed past the branches. Richard squirmed inside and sat down, resting his back against the trunk of the tree. Pulling his knees up and hugging his legs, he lowered his head and grieved. His chest tightened, as all he seemed to be able to think about was her. Her face, her eyes, her hair, her lips, and her skin… everything about her flashed into his mind. And the bulge he saw in her midsection marred it all.

Gasping, he looked up feeling warm sunlight filter across his face. He squinted, narrowing his eyes, trying to make out who it was that was intruding on his solitude. And then he saw her. Spirits, why did she have to come after him. She was the last person he wanted to see right now. Didn't she know he was going to need some time to digest all this? Oh, why didn't she just leave him alone? Kahlan stopped at the opening, hesitating for a moment, before stepping further inside and allowing the branches to close behind her. She cautiously made her way over to him, standing before him, making sure to hold her robes around herself to hide her baby bump.

Richard's face contorted in torment and he turned away from her, not wanting her to see him in this state. Kahlan placed a hand over her swelled belly and eased down to the ground before him. Folding her legs, she sat there with a sorrowful look on her face. She did not speak or reach out for him; she just sat there as he wept silently. He did not know how long they sat there in soundlessness, but it seemed like an eternity.

Kahlan's brow furrowed and she lowered her head. Her raven black hair cascaded down around her face, as she played with her hands over her lap. "Richard?" she broached cautiously. "Let… let me explain."

Richard jerked his head up and narrowed his eyes. "Explain? What's there to explain, Kahlan?" he choked. "You slept with another man!" Not yet finished, he waved his hand to silence her when she raised her head to respond. "I know… there was no future for us, but still… I thought you loved me? I thought you agreed to wait until I came back. That we would then together look for a way pass the barriers keeping us apart."

"Richard… I—"

"No," Richard cut her off, pushing himself up to his feet. "There's nothing to say. I know the truth now." He looked down at her and heaved in a deep breath, clenching his jaw as he tried to hold back his tears. "It was all a lie. You never loved me."

"No. Richard…," Kahlan began to protest, but he ignored her, rushing out of the wayward pine.

He ran, not caring where he went, just as long as he could be alone. That is all he wanted, to be alone. He had to think. He had to assimilate all that had happened. He was angry, hurt, and confused. Now was not a good time to speak with her. His emotions were in control and he did not want to do anything he would later regret. He had already spoken out of turn and said some things he had not intended.

But spirits, Richard felt betrayed and he felt right in having those feelings. She had slept with another man, granted he was most likely a confessed man, but still… he was another. While she had done that, Richard had been faithful, staving off the advances of Cara. He had to admit that the Mord'Sith was attractive, but not so much that she could distract him from his love for Kahlan. Since the moment he first met her and gazed into her eyes, he had been in love with the confessor. Even discovering the truth had not deterred him from loving her. And there had been a time when he was willing to risk confession to be with her. Spirits, he would have risked it anytime. And still would, if things had been different.

As he continued through the dense and lush flora of the garden, Richard lowered his hand and gripped the hilt of the Sword of Truth. Immediately he felt something he had never felt before. It tingled up his arm and down his shoulder, seeking out his heart. He lowered his brow, feeling his eyes sting with tears as the pain erupted in his very core. The torment he felt in his chest was unlike anything he had ever felt before. It was a righteous kind of pain, something to be cherished and nurtured.

It mixed and mingled with the grief and anguish that was already inside him, making it stronger. Then the anger came. It was glorious. He knitted his eyebrows together and arched his neck, looking over his shoulder at the wayward pine. He felt a powerful urge to go back. But to do what, he did not know. He clenched his teeth and breathed through his nostrils, relishing in the anger. It was pure and shameless. And he kindled it, allowing his stare to turn into a glare as the anger turned to hate.

"NO!" Richard growled, releasing his hold on the Sword of Truth and dropping to his knees. He held his hand up before his eyes, flexing his fingers. The pain subsided, but he was still left with a throbbing headache.

Richard lowered his head in his hands and sobbed, hating the thoughts and feelings the sword had given him. It had urged him to hurt Kahlan. To punish her for betraying him. But he could not do that. No matter how much he hated what she had done, he could never hurt her. He still loved her. He would always love her.

Rubbing his eyes with the back of his hands, Richard sniffled and suppressed the burning anger that flared up inside him. He would rather feel the anguish and torment of his grief than anything else. In a sick way, it reminded him that he was still alive. It was either suffer from the misery of the current situation or allow the hatred to fester inside him. And that was not something Richard wanted. He never wanted to feel any hate, especially directed at Kahlan.

Turning around, blinking, he looked at his surroundings, finally taking note of the beauty of the place. His shoulders slumped as he let out a heavy breath, remembering the last time he had been here. It had been when they had brought Kahlan back, and he had told her to stay here, that he wanted her safe. She had shaken her head and said she would be safe as long as she was with him, but he insisted she stay. And Kahlan had reluctantly agreed.

Now Richard regretted his insistence. He should have listened to her and not forced her into staying. Then perhaps none of this would have happened. He groaned and shook his head. It was no good dwelling on what ifs. What happened happened. Now he had to deal with the consequences of his decisions. He looked up at the trees and bushes around him, taking a deep breath, basking in the familiar feel of the wilderness. He had always felt at home in the woods.

Sitting down, he closed his eyes, breathing deeply through his nose, settling himself. Anger was not his way. The Seeker was a warrior for hope. Richard opened his eyes and let out a sigh of defeat. But what hope could there be without Kahlan in his life? He bit his lower lip and looked over his shoulder gazing back at the wayward pine, wondering if she was still there. He had been neglectful and selfish. She had come to him to explain, and he had ignored her like she had meant nothing to him. But that was a lie. Kahlan was everything to him.

Perhaps he should go back and listen. Then, afterwards, he would decide what to do. Taking a quick breath, he stood up and turned back to the wayward pine, determined to hear Kahlan's side of events before he did anything else.