Welcome to Armageddon!
Author: Milady Dragon
Disclaimer: I don't own it, and if I did certain things wouldn't have happened.
Author's note: Sorry about the delay! Been a bit hectic, but I should be posting a chapter of this a day until it's all up. Thanks to everyone who have reviewed and alerted and such. Hope you enjoy this chapter!
The other PA's seemed to take pity on Gwen; once War had left, they ushered her over to the small kitchenette and Donna made her a cup of coffee.
"Don't worry," Diane said, "we don't usually have anything to do with the actual Armageddons; we just help with set-up and the paperwork afterward."
"And you'll have us to help you this first time," Rose added.
Gwen took a swig of the coffee. "Thanks," she said sincerely. "I don't usually panic like that…"
Diane laughed. "We all did it, sweetie. Don't worry, it's not hard, it's just a lot of busy work."
"Yeah," Donna replied. "We should warn you: Owen has the worst handwriting ever. And he hates doing paperwork, so you'll have to convince him to do it."
"I hope you're not saying what I think you're saying!" Gwen cried, scandalized.
All three laughed.
"Oh no," Rose answered. "Nothing like that, unless you want to. No, usually withholding coffee or biscuits is enough."
"Sometimes you have to get a bit rough," Donna added. "Then you should try bribes. Tell him that you'll ask Ianto to make him a coffee, that usually does the trick."
Gwen was confused. "Why would that make Owen more likely to do his work?"
"Honey, you haven't tasted Ianto's coffee yet," Diane said. "It's as close to Heaven in a cup you can get."
"Yep," Rose added. "Before he became Death, he was a barista. His coffee is addictive."
"Wait…are you saying that one of the Horsemen had once made coffee for a living?" Gwen hadn't known what to expect, but it certainly wasn't that.
The other PA's looked at each other. "Well, yeah," Donna said. She sounded a bit insulted. "Just because someone wasn't some poncy general or politician, doesn't mean they can't be a great Horseman."
"Yeah," Rose put in. "John was a conman before he set foot in Armageddon."
"And Andy was a copper," Diane added.
"Look, I didn't mean to say anything bad about anyone," Gwen denied quickly. "It just surprised me, that's all."
It amazed her that such important people didn't have more important backgrounds. It made her wonder what Owen had done before becoming Pestilence. Probably an accountant or something along those lines…
"Don't worry about it," Rose said. All three PA's still looked a bit peeved, but Gwen nodded. "Look, you'll get used to how things work around here. Just look at it like any other job, none of that celebrity hero worship stuff. They're just our bosses, after all."
And that was going to be easier said than done…
"Let's show you where you're gonna be set up," Donna said. "We'll get you into the system and get you a PDA. You won't be able to survive without one."
It turned out that Gwen's desk was the one opposite Diane's. There was a small brass plaque on the door behind her chair with 'Pestilence' written in tasteful calligraphy on it.
The desk itself had one of those inset keyboards, and Gwen knew immediately that she'd have to be careful about where she set anything. The computer's monitor was a fancy plasma touch screen, with a stylized 'A' spinning in lazy concentric circles on it, and the mouse was wireless. Gwen marveled at it; they'd not had such fancy equipment in Guardians.
Rose helped her set up a login and password, and showed her how to access the appointment schedule. From what she could see, Pestilence had a major outbreak on Ceti Alpha Five that morning, lasting up until the lunch meeting with Apocalypse. There was an appointment listed that afternoon, but it was obscured by the word 'Armageddon' flashing in brilliant mauve letters, filling every spot on the schedule after lunch.
She wondered why mauve…
There was a sub-schedule as well, showing locations of the various Angels under Pestilence's command. There were other Angels as well; everything was color-coded: red for War; green for Pestilence; yellow for Famine; and black for Death. There were also blue Angels, and Rose pointed out that those belonged to Apocalypse himself, and that they were only in play in specific circumstances…although she didn't say what those were.
Donna was the one to show Gwen around her shiny new PDA. It was about the size of one of the mobiles used in Guardians, and the images on the large screen moved just under the slightest pressure of the stylus. It made her slightly dizzy, but the redhead encouraged her to play with it, saying that there wasn't anything she could do that Tosh couldn't fix.
Gwen found herself wanting to meet this Tosh. She was apparently a technical wizard as well as Apocalypse's PA.
One by one, the others got called away on various tasks, leaving Gwen to explore her desk a bit more. She didn't know how long she'd been left alone, but was digging about in the digital files when a polite sounding cough interrupted her.
She looked up. A young man stood in front of the desk, a slight smile on his admittedly handsome features. He was dressed in a black suit and waistcoat, a black shirt, and a tie so deep a red it too was almost black. Only the different textures of the fabrics kept the blackness of his wardrobe from being completely unrelieved.
He looked like nothing more than a Middle Management type…except for the scythe he held in his left hand, the glittering silver blade arcing a good foot and a half over his dark-haired head.
So this was Death then. Gwen could see why the other PA's thought Ianto Jones was yummy.
"Good morning," he said calmly, his tones obviously Welsh. "I wanted to welcome you to Armageddon before Owen tried to run you off." He held out a mug. "Coffee?"
It took Gwen several seconds to realize that Death was offering her a cup of coffee. Remembering what the others had said, even though the action was very surreal, she accepted, taking a cautious sip…
And nearly swooned.
"This is amazing," she moaned. "How did you know how I liked it?"
"I know everything." The statement was made matter-of-factly, with no hubris in the tone.
Then the rest of what he'd said registered. "Is Pestilence likely to try to run me off?" she asked, her voice squeaking a bit.
"No more than anyone else," was the reply. "Owen is a bit…abrasive, but trust me when I say he treats everyone the same. I'm sure you'll do fine."
"Oi!" The rather rude exclamation almost made Gwen spill her cup of Heaven, and she was really put out by that. She turned to face the intruder, wondering if she shouldn't be calling Security.
The man was thin-faced, with a sour expression. He wore a leather jacket over what looked like a green hospital scrub top, and a pair of faded jeans. He looked thoroughly disreputable.
"I wanna know," the man went on, "why the newbie gets the good coffee?"
Death smiled slightly. It wasn't a smile that Gwen ever wanted aimed in her direction. "What makes you think this is the good coffee?" He sounded almost innocent.
"Because, you're standing at her desk, and she's holding a mug…I can make the inference, Tea Boy."
This time, Ianto rolled his eyes. "I'm just making her feel welcome, before you start giving her ten types of shit. And, you know that I never serve tea, so I don't know why you insist on calling me that."
"It's because it pisses you off, of course."
"It doesn't piss me off, Owen…although it makes me wonder about your level of maturity."
Gwen's mouth fell open. This ragged looking man was her new boss?
She wondered if it wasn't too late to see if that position in Provocation was still open…
"At least I don't have to get ahead in the department by shagging the Big Man."
Ianto looked perfectly serene under Pestilence's comment. "I assure you, shagging Apocalypse is only a bonus. The way you go on about it, I'd say you were jealous."
"Ew…that's just disgusting!"
Okay…so Death and Pestilence were bickering like schoolboys…this was just wonderful. And War was a flirtatious ex-conman…what did that mean about Famine? And what had Pestilence also been in his other life?
Yes, that other position was starting to look really good now…
"Before we were interrupted," Ianto went on, turning his attention back to Gwen, "I just wanted to welcome you to the Armageddon Department. If you have any problems, don't hesitate to ask Donna or the other PA's. They'll be more than willing to help you with anything you might need." He leaned forward, as if attempting to put their conversation on a more intimate level. "If Owen bothers you too much, just offer to withhold coffee. He can't make it himself without it looking like industrial grade motor oil and it tasting like liquid pteranodon feces – "
"I heard that!"
Ianto looked weary. "Yes, Owen…you were meant to." He turned back to Gwen. "Don't let him get to you, and you'll be fine. I can assure you, the rest of us understand how he is, and we'll support you."
Gwen was touched by Death's concern, even though he'd just been going at it with his fellow Horseman. Although, she had to admit that he'd come off better in the verbal altercation. "Thanks," she answered. "I'll keep all that in mind. And thanks for the coffee."
"Not a problem, Gwen. " He turned back to Pestilence. "Owen, we have a lunch meeting with Apocalypse in half an hour. Apparently there's an Armageddon situation this afternoon, and he wants to discuss it with us beforehand."
"We haven't had one of those in a while."
"I know. I'm looking forward to it." There was that smile again, and Gwen shivered slightly.
"I can imagine…after all, you get the super-PA who can handle all the paperwork an Armageddon generates. I'm stuck with the new girl, who doesn't know the difference between an Apocalypse and an Armageddon – "
"Excuse me," Gwen spoke up, irritated that he was casting aspersions on her abilities, "but I do know the difference, and if you didn't think I did, why did you hire me in the first place?"
That earned her a pleased smile from Death, and a scowl from Pestilence. She preened under both.
"Hey, Boss Man." Donna appeared almost magically at Ianto's elbow. "I got your schedule cleared for the rest of the afternoon, and I sent information on that supernova over to Angel Dispatch and Azrael is going to put a cadre on it, so that's taken care of."
"Thank you, Donna," Death said. "Perhaps, if you had the time, you could take Gwen through the procedures for dispatching Angels? I'd appreciate it, since she's going to have clear Owen's schedule as well."
"No problem." The redheaded PA bustled around to Gwen's side.
"I can pull up the schedule," she said, doing it as she spoke.
Donna showed her what she needed to do, and with only a couple mistakes Gwen managed to get Angels on the one appointment Owen had that the Armageddon would interrupt. She felt a sense of accomplishment, daring to consider that things might not be so hard after all.