The Lord of the Rings - A Parody -
(Late) AN - I do not own The Lord of the Rings or anything affiliated with the LOTR universe.
Chapter 2 - The Shire -
The Shire - 60 Years later….
A peaceful country side stretched into the distance, full of colour and greenery, with splashes of yellowy redness here and there. A bird tweeted nearby, it was really annoying. This was The Shire, the land of the Hobbits, small human-like creatures with hairy feet, shoes weren't invented for them yet.
As we slowly pan the camera down in a right angle, we bump into a thick branch, but we shake the camera a little and maneuver it around the thick branch and down to the right again. We find Frodo Baggins sitting at the base of a peaceful tree trunk, reading a book. The title of the book is unknown at this time. But one can speculate, probably some Sci-fi adventure. He can hear the distant clumping of horse hooves trotting along a dirt path, he looks up and smiles broadly, he stands up and jogs towards the dirt road.
It was in this moment, when all hope had faded,that Isildur, son of the King, took up his father's sword.
" Who said that ? " Frodo asked the sky above. The narrator coughed then exited the story, he had just woken up, leave the guy alone.
Gandalf the Wizard rode proudly by Frodo as the small Hobbit jogged next to the wagon.
Meanwhile….In Toronto Ontario Canada…
" I would like a Big-Mac combo, no bun, with only Mac sauce and cheese on it. " Jeremy Dirtstang ordered from his moped, it was a hot day.
Much to his dismay, what the son of a telemarketer did not know, was that his evil landlord Wang was planning to evict him from his apartment due to…..wait a second, what realm are we in here….?
Back in Middle-Earth…..
Gandalf is travelling into The Shire….yes we mentioned that didn't we? But we need to introduce Gandalf a little better than that. A dragon once moved out of his den for him, if he were to zap you with lightning, you'd have to fight off the strong urge to thank him, his beard alone, has experienced more than a lesser man's entire body, Chuck Norris is afraid of him, he's been the life of parties he's never attended….
He's the most interesting wizard in the world…..
" I don't always drink beer. But when I do, I prefer Delhazzies. " Gandalf said with a strange accent.
" Who are you talking to ? " Frodo asked, out of breath, he was still trying to get into the wagon. He finally rolled into the wagon before he died of exhaustion.
" You're late. " He puffed.
" A wizard is never late, Frodo Baggins, nor is he early. I don't always drink beer, but when I do, I prefer Delhazzies. " Gandalf announced.
" Its wonderful to see you Gandalf ! " Frodo beamed, beamingly.
" You didn't think I'd miss your uncle Dildo's birthday ? " Gandalf smiled.
" Uh, its Bilbo. Not Dildo. "
" I said Bilbo, you jack-ass. Get your mind out of the gutter. " Gandalf turned a little red.
" What news of the outside world ? Tell me everything ! " Frodo was beaming again, don't get too used to it though, there is a lot of angst looks coming in the future. (spoiler warning. )
Just then Gandalf heard the quick bleep of sirens, he looked into his rear view mirror to see red and blue lights flickering on the top of the wagon behind him , " Not now boy ! We got trouble, damn Shire cops ! "
He whipped his horses into action and an exciting wagon chase ensued, but Gandalf soon lost the cops.
After several minutes of scenic Shire googling …
" So how is the old rascal ? I hear its going to be a party of special magnificence. " Gandalf resumed the conversation as his horses calmed down to a trot again. I hope he says strippers.
" You know Bilbo, he's got the whole place in an uproar. " Frodo smiled.
" Oh, well that should please him. " How can I word this delicately ? Hey boy, any strippers going to the party ? Nah, hey boy, any women taking off their clothing in a provocative way going to the party ? Nah.
" Half the Shire is invited. " Frodo continued.
" Good gracious. " I don't care, what about women ?
" He's up to something. " Frodo continued again.
" Really…..how about…you know….stri…" Gandalf was cut off by the blabbing boy this time.
" Alright ! Keep your secrets ! Before you came along we Hobbites were well thought of. " Frodo teased the old wizard.
" Cough, if you're referring to the incedent with the dragon, the creature was already pregnant before we got there. The story of Bilbo having sex with it is just legend."
Frodo looked shockingly at the old wizard.
" All I did was film it. " Gandalf continued.
" Well, whatever you did, you've been officially labelled as a disturber of shit. " Frodo laughed.
They came to a group of kids outside a humble Hobbit home, with an elderly couple outside doing chores.
" Gandalf ! Gandalf ! Fireworks ! " The children screamed as he rode past.
They looked disappointed as he continued on. The elderly man gave Gandalf the stink eye while his wife raked the front lawn. Then, suddenly, a blue streaking firework shot out of the back of the wagon, igniting the elderly man's wife, she screamed as she caught fire. She rolled around the front lawn trying to extinguish the flames. The elderly man finally smirked. The children cheered.
" Gandalf, I'm glad your back. " Frodo smiled as he jumped out of the wagon.
" 'Bout time that kid shut the hell up. " Gandalf muttered as he continued on.