She wasn't sure where the urge to Force push him away from her came from but she knew that she regretted it instantly.
Their connection was broken just as instantly and she took a few steps forward to the empty space he had inhabited.
She reached out with her mind for him, guilty that she felt the flow of darkness throughout her being as she reacted with anger. How easy it had been to let the anger take hold.
She worried over what she might have done to him. She shouldn't be worrying about him though according to the man himself. He had broken through her defenses so effortlessly and didn't waste a moment reminding her how much more experience he possessed.
She knew that she had power inside and that she was strong, but she was in over her head with this Last Jedi business. She had no idea what she was doing.
She wanted him to teach her. She needed him to teach her, he was the only one left who could show her what to do.
After Rey left Ben on Crait, she made her best attempt to throw up some kind of barrier to keep him away from her.
Once the fighting was over and everyone had a chance to catch their breath everything came crashing down around her. Luke was gone and she was all alone. The pain of leaving Ben now Kylo Ren once more was overwhelming.
She had been so sure that he would come with her and return to the light. Looking back now it all seemed kind of silly.
His words echoed in her mind about letting the past die and becoming who you were meant to be. She was desperate to find her place in this new world she had entered so suddenly. She had gone over the moment where he offered her his hand and wondered many times what would have happened if she had taken it.
Just as sure as she had been that he would turn, she was sure that fleeing back to the Resistance was the right thing to do and when given that opportunity she took it.
She left him there knocked out, rescued her friends and shut the door to the Falcon right in his face.
She thought it was the right thing to do but after spending these past few months alone, without anyone to confide in about what she was going through as a Force user, she was starting to rethink her position.
Once the Resistance had found a more permanent place to hide out Rey tried her best to be a part of the team, but it was difficult.
All the energy she expended keeping Kylo out required her to spend most of her time meditating. As the only Force user left she was pretty much left to her own devices, with no required duties or stations. She spent her time working on engines and attempting to decipher the Jedi texts but she was mostly in a daze, not really focused on anything other than making sure he couldn't get in.
It wasn't long before she decided that she needed to get away from the base and the Resistance all together. She knew that she would never feel safe letting her guard down while she could lead Kylo Ren straight to them.
Everyone seemed to understand. Leia knew that Luke had done the same thing many years ago. The only difference now was that he had a Master to study under and Rey was going to try and teach herself.
She went back to Ahch-To.
She had only been here a few days when Kylo had reached out to her. She had almost forgotten the details of his face, forgotten how handsome he was. It hurt seeing him though. She could only remember him chasing after her in a rage, firing on Luke, going after the rest of the Resistance. So much darkness pouring out from him, it was painful.
She had no idea how he felt about her now, but she didn't want to give him the chance to hurt her again. She decided to go straight for the kill to show him just how easy it would be for her to move on from whatever connection they may have once shared.
But she knew that it wasn't easy. Every day had been hell and when he came to her today, even though she was hurt she was thrilled that he had finally torn her wall down.
When she found out that he had been able to reach her the entire time it was easy to channel her rage. It was effortless. Was the dark side effortless? Is that why he had so much power?
He was right that she would not be able to resist him forever. Even now she was trying with all of her might to break through his defenses. It killed her that she was unable to.
Maybe he was right and this was pointless. He said forget the First Order, what did that mean?
They were the last of a dying breed and that was true. There would never be anyone else unless he or her found them and trained them and the idea of him taking on another apprentice besides her left her feeling just as angry as she had when she Force pushed him back across the galaxy.
She closed her eyes and focused on her anger.
She imagined his wall and she imagined all of her vulnerable, insecure, depressed and angry emotions going straight towards it. She gasped in shock when she was able to break through just as effortlessly as he had described.
She suddenly saw him, without his shirt and in what must have been the bathroom, cleaning his head wound.
He made eye contact slowly as a smirk appeared on his face "That didn't take long" he said.
Still reeling from channeling her dark side, she paused a few moments to collect her breath and let the intensity within calm down a little.
He arched an eyebrow as he watched her inhale and exhale obviously amused with how infantile she must seem.
"I just wanted to make sure you were okay" She spoke with a genuine heart because she did care about his wellbeing.
She didn't mention that it was also an almost magnetic pull that made her reach out.
"It's nothing" his features relaxed a little possibly satisfied that she was not here on a mission to do more damage.
She did long to wipe the smirk off his face. It made everything she wanted to say that much harder especially because for some reason she was taken with his physical form.
Her attraction made things messy. It made it difficult to resist him, and she wasn't entirely sure she should continue to resist. For so long she had denied herself the pull of the Force itself towards this other being and giving in right now felt so good she was powerless.
It felt as though she was separated from her own mind and body, simply doing what was required of her by fate itself. Under a spell, she took a step closer to him and that gave him reason to stop.
He was almost done bandaging his head and as she moved towards him he turned his entire body to face her and waited quietly for her to speak.
"I'm sorry" she said straight to the point "You were right" she looked down briefly before searching once more for his dark eyes filled with so many things.
He took a step towards her and they had about two feet between them as she continued with "I need your help"
"I've been so alone since I left you." She knew she was laying her heart on her sleeve with each word she spoke but she didn't care anymore. They were bonded through the Force, connected in such an intimate way that it didn't make sense anymore to try and hide from him.
"Why did you leave me?" He asked her, eyes burning with wonder
"I don't know I thought I was doing the right thing" she admitted
"I thought I could be strong and do this on my own, but I need your help, it's so lonely" She choked back a sob realizing that this monster in front of her was her only chance at being understood, scared because she had done damage to him just like everyone else. Scared that he would simply send her away, that maybe he had grown tired of her.
He took another step towards her and gathered her into his arms as she cried into his chest. He gently ran his hand over her hair and back in an attempt to comfort her. It didn't take long for her to get herself together.
"I don't know why I got so emotional" she gently untangled herself from his hold and took a step back somewhat embarrassed.
"Its fine." he kept his eyes on her before continuing "I haven't grown tired of you"
Her cheeks reddened with the knowledge that he must have heard her fears. It was still shocking even though she was slowly learning just how connected they really were.
She closed her eyes and the connection was broken when she opened them.
She took in her surroundings and decided she should head back to her hut and get ready for bed. She was excited for sleep tonight, no longer trying so hard to keep a wall between herself and Ben, and she did think Ben was still there after seeing him today. She was exhausted really and she was asleep before she even hit the pillow.