Response from Letter from the Heart

It had been a few days since Kate and read the letter from Castle and could not stop thinking damn him for being so sweet and open when he could be so infuriating at times. Tonight was no exception to Castle being Castle. The only problem was Kate knew she couldn't let things go. This case wasn't closed and she wasn't willing to give up without presenting her side of things so she got out a piece of paper and started writing.

To Castle - aka 12 year old on a sugar rush, loving father who loves to pull my pigtails:

Your letter said "better now or miss my chance" but I missed my chance so I am going to say better late then never. I found myself thinking back to how this all started. A death, almost losing myself and then a book by Richard Castle. Little did I know the impact it would have on my life until now.

Funny how life takes us in directions we never thought possible. Barging into your book launch party gave me a rush. I could not believe I was going to meet my favorite author again but more then that he was a suspect in an ongoing case I had a job to do. I remember you trying to use all that "Castle" charm I had read about but I wasn't impressed. I lived my life based on what is "real" in order to survive and not just mere fantasy. You weren't real to me then like you are now.

When the Captain told me that you were going to shadow me for "research" I was livid but at the same time somewhat flattered. I mean, why me, a hard nosed Detective who doesn't take crap from anyone. I pushed away all your attempts at being charming because I knew your reputation and did not want to be a notch on your bedpost. Then while working the case of the dead Nanny, you showed me a softer side, if only for a few moments, by telling me about Alexis. I could see the love in your eyes that you had and still have for her and it surprised me. Maybe there was more to "Rick Castle" then you were letting everyone see. I should have known then I was going to be in for one hell of a ride. You turned my world upside down and challenged me in ways no one has dared before. You had my attention.

When you talked me into going undercover at that charity benefit, I resisted but gave in because it was a good idea. It drove me crazy at how good you were at examining the situation and coming up with plausible answers. You swept me off my feet that night in more ways than one. In the back of my mind and somewhere deep in my heart, I had to admit that maybe, just maybe, I had met my match, I had met a competent partner. It scared me to the core so I pushed it out of my head and continued to work. It is what I do best after all but you were making it more fun. Then you had to go digging into my mother's murder and stop me in my tracks.

You hurt me because you deliberately did something I told you not to do. I lashed out and told you not to come back, we were over, but were we really? In my heart I knew we weren't. You didn't have to tell me what you found knowing what would happen but you did anyway. That takes guts and I respect that more then you will ever realize. You may be a man-child who annoys me but I knew you would never do anything to hurt anyone intentionally. You looked into my mother's case because you cared. It touched me that you came back to me, despite my harshness that would scare anyone away, and gave me a heartfelt apology. You showed me a soft side of Rick Castle that I got the feeling not too many people get to see.

When you came back, we fell into a easy rhythm and I started to take comfort in it. When the Dick Coonan case dropped into our lives, it shook me to the core. I remember telling my dad that what I found out scared me and him telling me that my mom always said we were never given more then we could handle. Could I really handle this? You asked me why I didn't go to Lanie for support and looking at it from your side of things, it would have made sense. Lanie didn't help me get through after my mother's murder though, your words in your books did. I showed up at your apartment that night knowing you would be there for me and we got through the case together. You showed me that you could be supportive and somehow knew what I needed when I needed it. I took that for granted and dismissed how much it really meant. Killing Dick Coonan wasn't your fault you know. I need you to really understand that I made the choice to fire. I made the choice to save a possible future rather then live in the past. My mom's words of always having truth on my side and knowing that you would be there every step of the way made the decision easier. The hand that you put on my shoulder when I broke down for that brief moment said more then any words could. You need to know this and you need to know that actions meant a lot to me. When you came back with all the food and told me you were done, I wasn't done. I wasn't ready to let you go and I'm not sure I ever really will be ready to let you go.

I opened up to you more after that case. I was more willing to flirt and try and get you to react. It became a game with us. When we went on our dates, it was more then a game though. I needed to get you off my mind and see if I could connect with another guy the same way we did. After all, we were just friends and that is all I wanted us to be or so I thought. Yet here I was with a good looking firefighter, at a nice restaurant, talking about you and the case. It just didn't fit but when we started talking about burgers and shakes, it started to come together some. I found myself giving into my heart a little that night. I twirled my hair absently and leaned into you a little closer. So many things were implied or left unsaid that night. The feelings I felt were real though and so very strong. I just wasn't ready to admit it out loud yet even though I admitted it to myself many times. I am ready now.

The night you went on Late Night to promote your book, I was watching at the precinct with Ryan. I couldn't help but feel something when I saw you get closer with Elle. During that case I let my mind wonder if I truly didn't feel anything for you, why did I tell you that Elle was using you? Why did we argue about myself not being able to find you attractive enough to date? We both ended that argument of sorts flustered with a realization in our eyes of the true meaning. We fell back into safety of shadows of our feeling as though we were both guarding our hearts. You frustrated me on that case with your willingness to jump in to bed with anyone and I questioned whether you could do a serious relationship. This is what probably drove me right into Demming's arms. He was the safe choice, the one who was had the charming smile and the good body. It wasn't enough though you see. He didn't make me feel alive and never really made me laugh the way you do. I found myself holding back some and not showing every part of me. He wasn't my ying to my yang. I need that balance in my life that you provide.

You asked to drop all pretenses and be real. I am scared of losing you and being too late opening up to you. I'm scared that if we did make a go at this relationship that it wouldn't last. I am a one and done kind of girl and it scares me that you may be that one. I'm scared of taking risks. I don't like to take risks with my heart and yet I already have taken that risk. I have given you my heart without even realizing it till now. You have my heart. Every part of me wants to run but I can't deny that the "heart wants what the heart wants." Can you?

You are the most annoying, frustrating, challenging, childish man. You are also the sweetest, most loving and caring individual I have ever met. You excite me and make me feel alive. You make me want to live life and laugh, even if it is at myself. There is more peeling to be done of the Beckett onion. Let me show you the way to my heart. I once told you that we make a good team. The question on the table now is do you still believe we do?

Kate