Chapter 1: Uber Tanks with Small Names
For some reason Nazi Germany, after naming its other tanks, Elephant, Panther and Tiger, decided to make another tank and name it after something small. The problem was it was the biggest friggin tank ever weighing in at 188 metric tons and it was named after a mouse! Perhaps the Germans had a thing for irony.
(Control Freak and Gizmo sit in the corner wearing Nazi Uniforms)
Control Freak: Say I got a funny idea.
Gizmo: What?
Control Freak: Let's make a huge f'ing tank that weighs so much a bridge would crumble beneath it and it drawfs the Panther tank completely!
Gizmo: Why?
Control Freak: Cause it would be awesome!
Gizmo: So what do we call it?
Control Freak: The Maus.
Gizmo: Maus? That means mouse! Why the hell would we name a super heavy tank after a small rodent?
Control Freak: Cause its funny.
Gizmo: You just want to see if they'll let you get away with that piece of irony huh?
Control Freak: That and I've had way too much beer.
The "Maus" Super Heavy Tank was designed to be the biggest tank of the war and at least one of these machines was almost completed before it was scuttled, but more on that later. For now lets look at how the Germans thought this oddly named tank up in the first place.
It all started out with German Manufacturer Krupp in 1941. It was at the time believed that Russia's KV series of tanks was the first phase of a new super-heavy weapons line of tanks. Of course unlike Hitler, Stalin wasn't a crazy fantasizing nutcase with a brain more irrational then the average Creationist. He was rational dictator with a big ego and few morals, and like any slightly sane person he and his fellow Russian Generals knew one thing.
Red Star: A super heavy tank? Pft, haven't you seen the one million future documentaries that they're gonna write about this war? The T-34 keeps getting called the best tank of the war, why the hell would we need a super heavy tank when we got that awesomeness behind us!
In other words, The Third Reich kept putting its resources into bigger and bigger tanks and left cheaper more practical tanks out of major combat. The Maus itself was so big that it may have ended the war more quicker by bankrupting Germany if it was put into production. But for the emphasis of this story let's say Germany has an unlimited supply of cash.
(Control Freak opens up the safe in the Reichstag to find millions of gold bars.)
Control Freak: Wohoo! We're in the money people! Gold Bullion by the motherload! Wohoo!
Actually, its basically chocolate bars wrapped in gold to look like Gold bars.
Control Freak: Damn it!
Based on the belief of coming Russian super tanks, Hitler gave the order to make a tank that would succeed the Tiger, which was only just entering preproduction so you can see how much logic Hitler had. The tank originally started out as a practical 90 ton light tank with a 105 or 150mm gun with a top speed of 44 mph. Hitler approved the design but asked Krupp to make it bigger. To explain how stupid this request was let's dumb down the scenario to this sketch.
(Control Freak sits in a fast food window and speaks into a microphone)
Control Freak: Welcome to Krupp's drive-thru, may I take your order.
Intercom: Yes, hello, I would like a tank that can replace a heavy tank thats only entering preproduction now and I would like it to have a really big gun and lots of armour.
Control Freak: We have a 90 ton tank that's pretty feasible we call it the Lion.
Intercom: Can you Supersize that for me?
Control Freak: Uh, how much?
Intercom: Just add 98 more tons and give it a bigger gun and more armour.
Control Freak: I don't know if we can cover that kind of-
Intercom: Do it or I'll have you murdered in your sleep.
With that bit of persuasion Krupp went right to work on scrapping the Lion and making the design for the tank even bigger, with a bigger gun, bigger engine, bigger treads and more armour then ever before. Hitler was either over-compensating for something or he was just insane, probably both. The new Heavy lion has 100mm thick armour plating, Hitler asked for it to be amped up to 140mm, over an inch of steel. Then he asked for the tank to switch its 105 mm gun to a permanent implacement of a 150mm gun. And then he asked for the designers to get its speed up to 30mph when it could only reach 23!
Control Freak: What's does he want next? Make an anti-matter shield and putt rocket pods on the sides? Hell, while I'm at it why don't I just invent anti-gravity hover capibilities as well! God, why did I get drunk and suggest this stupid idea again?
Gizmo: Quiet, SS guards are on the railings, just do your work and don't ask questions, otherwise we buy the farm.
Control Freak: This tank can't take this much pressure for the love of god! (Bullet whizzes by head) Then again...
Eventually Krupp had to let their design team go and let Ferdinand Porsche join the project in March 1942. Being Hitler's favourite designer he eventually got Hitler to agree on a 120-ton range tank with a gun that was 128 KWK and KWK 175mm that were to be postioned beside one another until the 150mm armanent could be better produced. Krupp would now instead build the finished tank design. A wooden mock up was presented to Hitler in May 1943 with its name changed to the "Maus", it now weighed a bridge breaking 188 pounds! Hitler ordered for it to be put into production and that 150 of them be produced.
Control Freak: 150! The hell!
Gizmo: Theres not enough steel in Germany to make 150 of these mammoths!
Control Freak: Why the hell did we have to get hired by a friggin nutcase? Seriously, we're f'ed!
(Bullet whizzes by them)
Gizmo: Jesus they're everywhere.
Control Freak: Poor aim though.
Hitler loved big tanks, its no lie. And so the first prototype entered the testing phase in December 1943 as a turretless chassis. The top speed for the full built tank would now be about 13 kph and even the prototype was vastly underpowered already. Yeah, so much for the Blitzkrieg with that kind of horsepower. By this time Hitler had rescinded his production order, one of his few smart moves. Further testing was done despite the project's cancellation. Four hulls were reportedly nearly completed and then crapped, by 1944 in September a second prototype was completed with a partially finished turret and a dummy arnamnet. By this time of course D-Day had happened and this piece of Hitler's tank fetish had worn out its need.
Control Freak: Next time I come up with a stupid idea while I'm drunk, slap me!
Gizmo: I punched you when you mentioned it, then you smashed a beer bottle over my head and sent in your design idea to Uncle Adolf before I got up. It was drawn on a napkin.
Control Freak: Man was I ever wasted.
And then came the Tank's reckoning. The facilty where the prototype was being kept was overrun by advancing Societ troops and the prototype was scuttled to avoid falling into enemy hands. Some reports however say that the tank was destroyed in battle when it engaged the attackers of the facilty. The version 1 prototype was however recovered as well as the third completed hull. The tank now lies in a Russian Museum with the repaired version 2 turret on top of it. Its there so every Russian can mock at how far Hitler's love of big tanks went.
(Red Star and Russian Soldier crowd around destroyed prototype Maus tank)
Red Star: Man, can you believe that Fritz actually thought this was a good idea?
Russian 1: Yeah, what a bunch of morons!
Russian 2: Let's make the biggest tank ever because we can, one that can crush bridges just by driving on them and is so slow it can be out run by any other vehicle on the battlefield! HA!
Red Star: Seriously, whoever thought this up was probably drunk. Hell they even gave it a name of a small rodent and its huge f'ing tank! Man, say what you will about the Germans, but they have a good sense of irony.
(Meanwhile miles away)
Control Freak: I'm never drinking again.
(Two hours later)
Control Freak: (Sipping back beer) I got another idea, how about we make a tank so tiny that it can only fit one person in there, we can call it... the whale!
(Gizmo punches him and he gets back up)
Control Freak: Thanks.
Gizmo: Don't mention it.
So what would have happened if this tank got into service for real? Well for starters it would have been hell just to get that thing out of the plant.
(Villians surround newly finished Maus Tank as it rolls off the production line)
Control Freak: Hazzah! We have done it! My drunken fantasy has come true!
Nazi Scientists: WOHOO! YAY! YEAH!
(Maus tank crashes through the back of the factory leaving a big hole where the garage door once was. The spectators watch in awe as it drives off slowly into the distance)
Gizmo: Perhaps we should have taken the size of the door into account before we moved the production here.
Control Freak: Indeed, minor setback.
Oh but the setback for this tank would have scarcely begun. At only 13 kph even the slow Tiger Tank would have outrun it. Hell regular soldiers probably could have outrun it, even with all the combat gear slowing them down. The German warplan largely relied on quick fast paced assualts conducted by all available resources, Hitler's obsession with big tanks seemed to bog down these assperations. The Maus would have turned the Blitzkrieg into a Snailkrieg.
(Mammoth leads a battalion of Maus Tanks up a hill)
Mammoth: Time to engage the allies men, full steam ahead!
Crew member: Sir we are at full steam.
Mammoth: What?
Crew member: We can't go any faster.
Mammoth: But our men have already engaged the Sherman tanks!
(German Soldier on frontlines, Johnny Rancid and Private Hive being one of them)
Private Hive: Where are our tanks? (Explosion goes off nearby)
Johnny: Back down there.
(Johnny points to several miles down the hill side to the slow moving Maus Tanks.)
Johnny: They should be here in about an hour or so.
Private Hive: Good, maybe their crews can dig me a nice grave for my corpse by then!
The Tank was not at all a pushover, its heavy gun and thick armour would've been more then enough to deter Allied Shermans and Russian T-34s. But it was thinner on the sides of the tank and its deck. Making it vulnerable to airplane attack and being the slow moving beast it was, it would never have been able to outmanuever Allied and Russian tanks, as well as strikes from aircraft.
(Cyborg's tank comes up behind a Maus Tank and Mammoth sees them)
Mammoth: Holy crap they're behind us! Turn us around! Turn us around!
(The Turret and the tank slowly turn in the direction of Cyborg's tank, while Cyborg waits for them to strike)
Cyborg: Man that turret is slow, fire!
(Tank shell hits square on the back of the Maus)
Mammoth: Hurry up and turn us!
Crew Member: Don't worry sir, just two more minutes and we can engage them.
A Maus Tank trying to get to a battlefield is an even more sorted affair. In over 8-meters of water its engine would flood, most European rivers were deeper then 8-meters. It was so heavy at 188 pounds it would have crushed bridges under its weight. But even with these disadvantages the tank was still something to behold. As such a huge vehicle it no doubt would have struck fear in Allied and Russian tank men alike, that fear would have faded however after they found they could outrun and out manuveur these ironically named monsters.
Cyborg: Why do they call it a Maus? That means mouse! Seriously, a mega huge tank and they name it after a mouse! You can't make up this s--t.
Robin: Hell, a real mouse is probably faster then that thing.
Cyborg: Even Garth was able to take one out, and he pretty much sucks at everything.
Aqualad: That is not true... well okay... yeah... it is true.
Robin: How'd you take it out?
Aqualad: I tripped on a rock and one of the sticky bombs I was carrying latched onto the back when it fumbled out of me hand. Since it handn't gotten far I was able to light the match and run away from it. When I looked back the tank had barely moved from its spot before it blew up.
Cyborg: Wow, that is completely sad.
Robin: If this tank can be blown up by Garth, anyone can do it.
A Bazooka team would only need a few hits to properly disable the tank before Shermans would finish the job. Airstrikes would probably do a better job, since the tank was so big no one would be able to miss it. This strategy would be more prevelent in Russia where sturmovik fighter/bombers were already proving to cost the Germans many of their tanks. And like all tanks the rear armour was most vulnerable so T-34 squadrons would have made a dash for that weak area once they got the chance. Satchel and Demolition charges planted by careful infantry men could also stop the tank dead in the water. So the Maus was far from an invincible super tank Hitler wanted.
Mammoth: This thing sucks. (Kicks Maus tank) However, I think there is one way we can use this tank against the allies effectively.
(Maus Tank is rolled up onto an important bridge and the everyone runs away as the the structure collapses beneath the tank while Allied soldiers look on confused)
Mammoth: Ha Ha! Now you'll never get into Germany now! Never! Victory is ours! The future is ours! Ha Ha! (Runs off)
Cyborg: (Confused) Did they just use a tank to demolish a bridge by moving the thing onto it?
Robin: Yep.
Cyborg: They're weird.
Robin: Yep.
Despite the Maus' drawbacks, it is no doubt that if ever deployed en masse it would have left the Allies at a distinct disadvantage especially if its preplanned 1943 production was ever completed. The few Maus tanks that would get off the assembly line would have been shipped to the Russian front first and many T-34 crews would have died as a result of the superheavy tank's involvement. Eventually they would have sent in Sturmoviks to hunt down and destroy the Maus tanks and its doubtful that they would've had much trouble finding and destroying them, the Maus being so big and the Germans without any control of the skies whatsoever at this point. If encountered in Normandy a year later infantry and tanks alike would've fallen pray to its massive firepower before it was taken down. Stronger Allied Tanks like the Heavy American Pershing heavy tank would've been able to take it out if their commanders were bold enough. In the close fighting of the hedgerows some infantry men might've gotten close enough to plant a charge or throw down a grenade, but not before costing many Allied lives in the process. Make no mistake, as ridiculous, impractical and unnecessary as this weapon was, the Maus tank still had a pretty big gun.
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Europe, 1945, along the border of Germany and Belgium...
Commander Victor Stone looks out the hatch of his tank, surveying the terrain ahead. Now that the Germans were on the run the Allies were finally pushing into Germany to end the war once and for all. But Victor knew that they wouldn't give up without a fight, they were fighting the Germans on their home turf now, so he didn't believe that this would be at all easy. As they crossed the Belgium border into Germany he told his men to keep themselves at the ready for the coming attack he believed lay just around the corner. Sure enough he spotted something in the distance, something coming at them very slowly. The objects were so big, even from here, he didn't even bother to question what they were.
"Maus Tanks!" He shouted down to the crew "Straight ahead, get ready for evassive manuveurs on my mark. Remember, they're a bunch of slow overgrown giants. Keep cool and we'll get through this."
It was no secret though that everyone, even Victor was intimidated by the Maus' size. They drawfed the Sherman tanks considerably and although slow and meandering they still had a big gun that could take most of them out with one shot. But Commander Stone had a plan, it was a strategy he employed whenever his men went up against Maus tanks. The Maus were so slow they could only focus on one tank at a time leaving them wide open for an attack from behind. That meant one Sherman or two had to get a Maus' attention, usually by firing a round straight at its thick front armour plating, forcing the behemoth machine to engage them. Meanwhile two more Shermans would get behind the Maus and blast its weak rear armour until it was out of commission. The plan was risky though, especially to those playing the bait and Stone was usually playing the bait. Not wanting to force his men to do something he wouldn't, Victor was always the first to engage the Maus tanks and force them to follow the bait Shermans. So far though the plan, which Vic dubbed 'The Maus Trap' had worked pretty well in the past and Stone was hoping it stayed that way.
There were about ten or so Maus Tanks coming up fast on them, as fast as the tanks could go that is. Vic's tank fired a shell at the lead Maus tank.
"Come and get us Kraut!" Victor dared it
The Maus took the bait and followed Victor. It fired off a round at him, but Stone quickly had the driver get them out of the tank's way. Like most German tanks its turret was rather slow turning, so they'd have a few precious seconds to reposition themselves before it reloaded, took aim and fired again. The Maus continued to follow Vic's tank, firing another round at him after a short 30 second wait. Vic's Sherman dodged again, barely. The tank rocked as the explosion just missed the Sherman by a few meters.
"We won't be so lucky next time sir!" The driver called up
"Just keep it busy!" Vic called down. "Fire another round at its side, we can hit from here."
The gunner did as told and fired a shell at the side of the Maus tank. It scored a hit on the treads and effectively stopped the tank dead on the field.
"Yeah thats what I'm talking about!" Vic shouted as he looked at the damage they'd inflicted.
By this time the two shermans had snuck in from behind and were firing rounds at the wounded tank. Just because it could barely move didn't mean the same for its gun. One of the shells finally punctured the armour and the Maus exploded.
"Another one of Hitler's Goliaths scrapped!" Vic shouted "Good one boys, keep it up."
A sherman nearby exploded as well, one of the Maus had got it good. The tank was now in flames and the turret had been compeltely blown off. No one would have survived that kind of hit. Vic knew they had to press on, despite this. Two more Maus were destroyed in the same fashion as Vic's crew had done on the lead. But yet another three Shermans were claimed by german guns before the Mauses were stopped. The big tanks were trying to keep in formation and stop the tanks from circiling around and killing their friends, Vic would need help if he was to save half his men from being killed. As another Maus was put out of commission Vic heard the distinct sound of props overhead. He recognized the engine sound
"P-51s!" He shouted "P-51s overhead!"
The P-51s were on a fly over patrol for the Allied push into Germany, when they saw Vic's battallion and decided to lend a helping hand. The American warplanes swooped down from the sky and launched rockets at the Maus tanks, causing three of them to to explode in blazing infernos. The Maus tanks were now easy prey for the P-51s and with seven out of ten of them destroyed the remainder of the Maus tanks began their retreat. Vic however wasn't ready to let these guys get away to kill his men another day.
"Pursue the bastards back of the ridge!" Vic ordered
Pressing on with their advance the Shermans and fired on the retreating Maus tanks, taking one of them out with ease. A P-51 overhead fired a missile which smashed into another tank's tread. Taken out of action the crew popped their hatched and made a break for it quickly running past their slow moving comrade to the right. In desperation the final Maus tank turned back to fire another round. Taking several Sherman hits before he could get his gun into position. His thick armour kept him alive long enough to fire a shell and destroy one more Sherman tank. Then Vic delivered the killing blow as his tank fired one last round and blew up the top of the now weakened turret.
"Booya!" Victor shouted "We smoked the German bastards! So much for The Reich's Super Tanks! If you ask me, a real mouse is tougher to kill then them."
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GR: For introduction not bad, but next time we need to give this thing a bit more of a plot. We're still a story you know. Perhaps we should cover some American secret weapons next time.