Chapter 1

She refused to let go of Maxine's hand, point-blank, from the moment the paramedics arrived and lifted her onto a stretcher right up until she was rushed into Accident and Emergency. Naively, Steph had allowed herself to believe that holding Maxine's hand tightly in her own would reassure her somewhat, that feeling something solid, something physical of her would calm her nerves, convince her that maybe, just maybe, it was all going to be alright.

It hadn't taken Steph long to work out that her plan was going to fail rather miserably. There was nothing particularly reassuring at all about squeezing tightly a hand which was growing colder and limper by the minute.

Then it had occurred to her she was clenching Maxine's hand so firmly that were she even remotely conscious, she would most likely have found some way of complaining that her hand was being crushed, even if she hadn't had the strength or awareness to express her discomfort in words.

Except that Maxine wasn't conscious, not in the slightest; that much was evident from her lying motionless, cold, despite the firm clenching of her hand. If it hadn't been for the regular beeping of the heart rate monitor the paramedics had attached her to upon bringing her into the ambulance, Steph was almost certain there would have been no way of her ascertaining whether or not Maxine was still clinging on. She was so cold, so still, breathing so shallow that spotting the rising and falling of her chest with each breath took considerable effort. She was still alive, yes, but for how much longer? Steph had hardly been able to bring herself to think about it.

She was the most important thing in Steph's life, hands down, no question about it. Perhaps that had been her first, crucial mistake, Steph had pondered many a time over the past few weeks, allowing herself to become far too attached. Maxine had never been hers to keep, not really. She had merely been a loan, purely temporary; surely she had known that from the start? Maxine had been almost sixteen when Steph had first taken her on, anyone would have thought that in itself was enough of a warning sign that her presence would remain for no more than a couple of years. Steph should have known better than to have allowed herself to become so attached, and she knew it only too well. It was so clear in hindsight.

But as she had sat beside her foster daughter in the ambulance, final shreds of hope rapidly fading within her, Steph had come to realise that perhaps attachment had been inevitable after all. Could she really have ever expected to have taken in a vulnerable teenager and not come to…?

Love. It was almost painful to think about it now, in light of the events of the last… however long it had been since she had arrived home to find Maxine bleeding out on the floor; Steph wasn't certain exactly how much time had passed. A part of her wanted to attempt to sever all emotional ties, to pretend that she and her foster daughter had only ever been close friends, nothing more. It would have made it all a damned sight easier to cope with if only she had succeeded.

But then Steph had glanced down at Maxine's still form on the stretcher beside her, taken a few brief moments to contemplate her lifeless features and brush stray strands of hair away from her face, and no sooner had she finished a fresh, overwhelming sense of guilt had washed over her. Because in that moment, trying to deny to herself that she had ever felt love towards Maxine felt like a complete and utter betrayal.

Of course she had felt love towards her foster daughter; how could she not have done? Beneath the hard exterior, Maxine had turned out to be rather more gentle and caring than anybody could have guessed. Now, two years on, she was far from the same troubled teenager who had first moved in. There had been several moments over those two years of having Maxine in which Steph had dared to wonder if perhaps this was what it was like to have a child, to be a mother. She cared about Maxine more than she had ever cared about anyone else in the world, loved her, no matter what she did, however much trouble she caused, whatever she said in a moment of irrational anger. Unconditional, perhaps that was the right word. The love she felt for Maxine was unconditional, the sort a mother felt towards her child. There was no point denying it, and trying to do so felt so much like a terrible betrayal that Steph couldn't bring herself to continue to do so any longer.

But had Maxine ever felt the same way? That, Steph had decided mournfully during that long ambulance journey, was somewhat debatable, in light of everything that had happened over the past few weeks. Before the arrival of Earl Kelly in Maxine's life, Steph had never given the issue too much thought. Maxine had seemed happy enough living with her French teacher; perhaps it had never been the ideal set-up as far as she was concerned, but it had worked perfectly well for those two years. Before Earl had appeared and threatened their living arrangements, all that had seemed to matter was that Maxine had seemed contented, affectionate, changed for the better in so many ways.

Yet ever since Maxine had announced her plans to move in with Earl Kelly, Steph hadn't quite managed to succeed in stopping herself from worrying that her feelings for her foster daughter had never been completely returned. 'You've been great to me and everything, but I'm grown up now, I can make my own decisions'; that was what she had said.

Somehow those words had stung Steph far more than she could possibly have anticipated.

How was it possible that the journey to the hospital had seemed to last a lifetime, yet the moment in which Steph finally was forced to let go of Maxine's hand still succeeded in coming far too soon? The paramedics allowed her to continue cling to her hand as Maxine was brought out of the ambulance, but the moment they were through the doors of Accident and Emergency she was batted away, pushed into the waiting area as the doors slammed shut and told someone would be out to speak to her as soon as possible.

After a frantic forty minutes of panic and worry, Maxine's horribly still, cold body right in front of her, taunting her, all of a sudden Steph was all alone. She had been forced to leave Janeece behind at her house; the paramedics had insisted on only one person accompanying Maxine in the ambulance. At the time, a selfish part of her had been almost glad of that rule. Steph had wanted Maxine all to herself, to not have to share her with anyone despite the fact that she was deeply unconscious and totally unresponsive, just in case… in case something happened and… she couldn't bring herself even to think about that.

Now, however, sat by herself in a clinical hospital waiting room in limbo, hit with a fresh wave of terror each and every time a doctor appeared in the corridor, Steph was beginning to wish she did have someone there with her after all. Attempting to hold herself together all alone was fast proving itself to be too much, though when she tried to think of whom she might choose to help her cope with the pain and uncertainty of a situation such as this, the only person who seemed to spring to mind was Maxine herself. She had been the only constant in Steph's life those past two years; she hadn't been particularly close to her family for a long time now and was yet to enter into a relationship which lasted longer than a few brief months. She was a teenager, yes, and they weren't exactly renowned for their compassionate words of wisdom, but somehow Maxine Barlow had still managed to make everything seem a little better, just when Steph needed it most.

Had. She had used 'had', not 'was'. Past tense. In her mind, Steph had written off Maxine already without even realising it.

Her poor baby. Her poor, poor baby. Admittedly the Maxine Steph knew had only ever been in her life as a teenager, but that, she had concluded, was hardly the point. Perhaps that had been the problem, perhaps it had been her stubborn determination to protect Maxine as though she were her baby coupled with a point-blank refusal to accept her being almost an adult which had caused the recent rift between them. She didn't want Maxine to grow up, Steph was more than aware of that, but at the same time she had accepted that it was inevitable, that there would come a time when she had to stand back and allow her to look after herself. She knew that, she had thought she was prepared for it. Damn it, she was prepared for it. She just hadn't been prepared to stand back and watch Maxine throw her life away in the company of Earl Kelly.

She wasn't sure how much longer she could stand it, the waiting. She had never been particularly patient, but this… this was pure psychological and emotional torture. Her foster daughter had been shot by her psychopathic monster of a boyfriend, for god's sake; how could the doctors possibly expect her to simply sit quietly and wait for news? A part of Steph wanted to storm out of the waiting area and through the doors at the other end of the room marked 'staff only', to search and search until she found Maxine and hold her close, refuse to let her go. But deep down, Steph knew that she couldn't. Somehow she had to try and be patient, to hold herself together and wait, hope and pray until then that when at last a doctor appeared in the doorway and called out Maxine's name, it would be the news she wanted to hear.

If it wasn't… if… if she was… God only knew what she would do.

Steph managed almost another ten minutes before her anxiety finally got the better of her. She had made a pact with herself: she would give the doctors ten more minutes, and if when that time was up she had still heard nothing as to Maxine's condition then she would make her way over to the front desk and ask for herself. But it was only just seven minutes from the moment she made her pact before Steph's nerves finally got the better of her. She couldn't do it, she just couldn't. She couldn't sit around in that waiting room any longer, oblivious to what was happening on the other side of the door. Not knowing was definitely the worst part, she had come to that conclusion several times over during her time in the waiting area. Even if the news she was to be given was the worst possible, surely it would be better to know, to be removed from this turmoil?

She hoped so. She was fast running out of coping strategies.

"Excuse me?"

The sympathetic look on the receptionist's face as she looked up from her computer screen told Steph all she needed to know as far as her current appearance went. After all the tears which had fallen since she had arrived home earlier that afternoon to find Maxine bleeding on the floor, she hadn't dared venture off in search of a mirror, even if it would provide something of a distraction from the worry and heartache. She knew already that she must look a complete and utter mess; there was no need of finding a mirror to prove it.

"I… I'm…" she stammered hesitantly, unsure of what to say. She hadn't exactly thought this through; she had been so desperate for an update on Maxine's condition that she had thrown herself right in at the deep end without stopping to consider how to word her request.

"I'm Maxine Barlow's guardian," Steph managed at last, fighting to keep her voice from trembling. "She was brought in…" she trailed off; now she thought about it, Steph wasn't entirely sure how long ago they had arrived at the hospital… half an hour? Forty minutes? "She was brought in a while ago, g-gunshot wound…"

"I'm sorry, I can't tell you anything yet," the receptionist told her abruptly. "One of the doctors working on her will be out to speak to you as soon as they have anything to report, in the meantime you're just going to have to sit and wait, I'm afraid."

"But… but I'm her…"

"Her guardian? I know, you said. Someone will be out as soon as there's any news. Next please!"

It was only once she on the opposite side of the room, alone in a quiet corner, that Steph gave in to the overwhelming sea of emotions and allowed them to consume her completely.

I wasn't planning on updating for another few days, but I got such lovely reviews for the prologue that I wanted to say thank you :) Massive virtual hugs are heading your way Just A Mad Woman With A Box, WritingWhat'sOnMyMind, WRFan2013, Beano Baby, Iris and waterloo road2000, I honestly can't tell you how happy you made me, I was so worried no one was going to want to read this and you proved me wrong, so thank you.

If you want another chapter, you're going to have to keep reviewing though :P And if you haven't yet, maybe now's the time to start? As long or as short as you like, just let me know you're still enjoying this and I'll keep posting.

Em xx

PS, if there's anything you'd like to see included in this, feel free to ask. I'm not promising anything, but if I can work it into the plot then I will, please bear in mind this is Maxine-centred though. And I'm not writing anything which will up the rating to M, sorry. But other than that, I'll give anything in character a go if it works with what I have planned :)