This morning had been quite a struggle to get out of bed when I could hear the muffled noises of Ethan & Alicia coming through the apartment walls, waking me up from my reoccurring dream about the helicopter crash. The unbearable ache it had on my heart broke it into millions of little pieces. Lifting the pillow from underneath my head I dropped it on my face to drown out their playful noise….

After sifting my way through a pile of patient's notes that needed signing off my mind kept on replaying the crash on the ED over and over again. A slam of folders hitting the desk had me jumping out of my skin

'God you're quite jumpy this morning Caleb' Ethan greeted

'You nearly gave me bloody heart attack Nibbles' I signed. 'Why in the hell did you do that?'

'A wakeup call from your slumber. Ms Beauchamp is going around the wards'

'Thanks for the heads up'

A middle aged man had been rolled into cubicles by Max, waiting to be placed onto a trolley bed for further tests

'Can I get some help over here for Mr Blake' he shouted

I shot up from my desk and wiped my hand over my face to get rid of my sleepy face, I really needed to focus now on the job instead of the crash from last month

'Morning Mr Blake, I'm Doctor Knight and I'll be treating you today' I greeted, raising my voice over the whirling sound of a fan in the background. 'I'm sorry for any noise in the department we're having some new air conditioning fans being put up'

'That's quite alright Doctor'

The whirling sound of the fan being tested grew louder then it suddenly panged onto the floor, moving viciously around the place, seeing the light flash off one of the blades I was frozen solid like time had stood still around me and was throwback to the day of the crash, remembering the horrors around me seeing people losing their limps and the blood of innocent people splay all over the floor as the tragedy continued to unfold, that propeller blade coming close to slicing me up as I lay conscious on the floor from shock….

The room went silent as the workmen managed to switch off the fan as I remembered where I was again, in the safety of the hospital and not in that crash zone, Charlie was now in front of me as I still couldn't move my body

'Cal, are you alright?' he asked

'I'm fine Charlie just need to get my focus back'

'Take a break and clear your head, looks like you need it'

'I can manage'

'I don't think you can, Ethan can take over'

'What about Ms Beauchamp when she comes around'

'I'll cover for you'

'Thanks Charlie I owe you one'

I handed over the obs board to Charlie and exited cubicles to reception, going past a rammed waiting area with Noel getting snowed under with patient demanding answers to their questions. Making my way past the peace garden I climbed the stairs up to the roof of the hospital, watching down on the staff and patients below, tears had started to form as I thought about the crash even more as one snuck out and trickle down my cheek….

'Hey' a female voice spoke with concern

I was glad to see Alicia had come up to the roof instead of Charlie or Ethan because the last thing I wanted was for them to see me weeping

'Hey you' I replied, wiping away the tears quickly before she saw them. 'What are doing up here'

'I saw you freak out in cubicles; I wanted to make sure you were alright'

'Did Ethan put you up to this'

'No I was concerned about you Cal; we're friends aint we' she admitted. 'You do you know it is ok for guys to cry, to show you don't always have to be macho'

I nodded my head as she came up real close to my front and placed her hands on both sides of cheeks, Alicia smiled slightly as she wiped away the remaining tears on my cheeks

'Thanks'

'You do know you can always talk to me Cal if something is wrong'

Working up the courage my mouth opened and words had formed in my mind before I even knew where to start

'I don't like to open up about my emotions or let other see them when I'm at my weakest point '

'Why' she proclaimed, raising a brow

'I didn't have an easy childhood growing up; I was put up for adoption with Ethan when we were young and we lost contact with each other before we started here but we knew of one another. In that foster home I found out the hard way of being loved and being self-confident. Seeing the other kids being adopted to new families before me while I remained behind was very tough to take, so I just put on this persona of a well assured kid in that care home to make my life around there a little easier and just kept everything to myself and bottled all my feelings up even after I finally got adopted' I admitted, both of us crouching down out of view and laying our backs against the wall. 'I couldn't find the right time to open up to my adopted parents, my friends or anyone nor even the people I l-l-love and care about because my past just haunts me too much

'So is that why the way that you are with certain people'

'Yeah Alicia, to distant myself from ever being hurt again. The things I did to just get by on the streets if you catch my drift when I fled from my adoptive parents, I don't want anyone in the ED to know what I did or what my past was like, that's the old me'

'I can't even begin to imagine what you must have been through growing up' she sighed, resting her head on my shoulder. 'So what happened to you down in cubicles?'

'I had a very frightening panic attack when that fan fell to the floor, the sound of it and the blade threw me back to the day of the crash. I've been having traumatic dreams about it ever since and I can't get them to stop'

'Have you been to counselling for it yet or even talked to anyone about your dreams like Charlie or Ethan'

'It's embarrassing to talk about to other people about this problem'

'Oh Caleb it's nothing to be embarrassed about, people go through PTSD all the time and most get through it with help from counselling'

'I just don't think I could go through it all on my own'

'Then I'll come with you to counselling, we'll get through this together'

'Together?'

'Of course' Alicia smiled

An invisible wall I had built around myself had cracked under its own weight when she nodded, I no longer had to face things on my own now that I had opened up to Alicia about my troubled past and she could be the one, I mean friend that's always there to help you to overcome your past …..