Inara plodded on slippered feet into Serenity's dining area. She yawned, running a hand through her deep brunette waves to shake out any tangles. Then she tugged the red and gold satin robe tighter around her shoulders with a small shiver. It was chilly in here today. Either the captain had turned down the heater to save fuel, or it was on the fritz again. Something was always in need of repair on the ship. With a shake of her head, Inara wondered how she had become so attached to Serenity, with all her problems and quirks. By the standards of any discerning traveler, Serenity was kuang zha dui. She had rust everywhere, her accommodations were spartan, and the engine was only kept turning by the sweat and faith of her loyal mechanic. The luxury cruisers and yachts most Companions chose as platforms for expanding their client base were far more comfortable and reliable than the gritty Firefly. However, Inara knew that all that glitz and glamour was only for show. Underneath it, they were the same generic boats with no real character, designed for thousands of tourists just passing through. That was one reason why she had avoided them when she decided to leave the Core. Among other things, she wanted something authentic. In Serenity, she had found a ship that was not just a means of transport from here to there, and that was indeed a rarity. Those quirks and blemishes were the signs of loving use by the crew that called her home. That same crew also had their quirks and blemishes that were as unique as the ship itself. She doubted such a frustratingly endearing bunch of misfits existed anywhere else in the Verse, and she never imagined that she would become so intertwined in their lives. In fact, she had been explicitly determined not to. But things had changed since she first came on board. And now they were about to change again.
She placed her cup on the counter and filled the metal kettle with water from the galley tap. As she set it on the stove to boil for her customary breakfast tea, sentimentality swelled in her chest. She glanced around the empty room. This might be the last time she ever made tea in this place. They put in at New Melbourne tomorrow, and that was to be her port of call. For nearly two years Serenity had been her home as well, but that would only be the case for a few more days at most. She had already waved the Mistress of the local Training House and made plans to visit. It was mostly a formality on her part. She knew there was not much choice any longer.
Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if I stayed… She cut off that line of thinking before it went any further. Fond as she was of the ship and its odd contingent, her time on board was up. She needed to accept that. Her personal feelings were not a consideration in the matter, and dwelling on them would only make it harder.
"Mornin' 'Nara," Kaylee greeted her with a yawn, emerging from the foredeck hall.
"Zao chen, mei mei. You're usually up earlier than this, aren't you?" Inara asked. The mechanic dropped into a chair and rubbed her sleepy eyes.
"I didn't sleep too well," she said, shoulders slouched and chin falling into her hands. "Bad dreams." Inara watched her young friend with concern in her eyes. Granted it had only been two days since their harrowing encounter with that insane bounty hunter, but she worried about the long-term impact it would have on Kaylee. Outwardly she seemed fine, but Inara had noticed a new tension in her already. It was an edginess that never existed before, and a reluctance to be alone, even in the engine room. The engine room had been her sanctuary, the place where she went just to be herself and to commune with Serenity in her uncanny mechanical way, but that man had violated it. Since then, Kaylee had spent a lot less time there and a lot more time in the company of the other crew members, which was understandable. Inara imagined if an intruder burst into her shuttle in the dead of night, bound her up, and threatened her with rape, she would probably feel a mite less safe in her sanctum as well. However, the Guild had trained her to deal with that risk. It was a necessity in her line of work. Kaylee had no such defenses, though. She knew she might be able to help Kaylee overcome the shock of her ordeal given some time, but time was one thing she did not have. She could only offer comforting words and hope the event would do no permanent harm to the girl.
"I'm sorry, Kaylee," Inara uttered her sympathies.
"Oh, no, it's all right," Kaylee assured. "It's just… I'll be glad when we get to New Melbourne. Maybe gettin' planet side a while will help, you know."
"Maybe," Inara agreed, reserving the rest of her concern inside.
"So, got any choice clients booked up?" Kaylee shifted subjects with a conspiratorial tone. Inara's back was turned as she poured the water for her tea, so the guilt swimming across her face was not visible to her friend. Kaylee was always interested in her dealings whenever she had any, though the young woman had a highly romanticized perception of a Companion's life. Inara guessed it came either from some holdover of youthful, naiveté or from the mechanic's innate and insatiable curiosity.
"Yeah, got any choice clients booked up?" a new voice seconded the question, although the curiosity was replaced by sarcasm. Inara turned and fixed a warning glare at Malcolm Reynolds as he stepped into the dining area. He met her stare with level coolness as he walked up behind Kaylee and folded his arms.
"I've had a few solicitations," Inara carefully controlled her voice to mask the sting of Mal's words.
"I hope you get someone real nice. It'd be great to just fall into a lover's arms and forget about everything for a while," Kaylee went on, oblivious to the tension between the two.
"Yeah. Must be nice to not have a care for anyone or anything in the Verse," Mal added. Inara felt her cheeks growing hot. She fought down the seething redness and focused on calmly stirring her tea.
"Yes, it can be very therapeutic," she smiled at Kaylee. Taking a sip from her cup, she hit Mal with a frigid stare over the rim.
"Wish I had someone like that," Kaylee sighed.
"Careful there, lil' Kaylee," Mal cautioned. "Bein' a Companion ain't all about romancin' and candlelight. Mostly it's about sex. And money. Wouldn't want to make a man fall in love with you. Then you might have to break his heart when you left him the next day, and that wouldn't be right." Inara's fingers turned white as she gripped her teacup harder. The urge to fling it at Mal's head was almost too tempting to resist. For whatever reason, he had always detested her profession and made no secret of it. She was used to that. His barbs and insults rarely bothered her anymore. But this was descending to a new low. He was accusing her of deliberately manipulating her clients' emotions! It took a lot more effort than she expected to keep calm, but she managed it.
"It can be very romantic," she confirmed to Kaylee while trying to ignore Mal. "But it's more of a spiritual experience. I choose my clients because they need something only I can give them. An experience with a Companion is more about fulfilling the needs of the soul than the body." Mal rolled his eyes in disgust.
"Well ain't you all just a regular bunch o' saints." Inara sipped her tea again, preparing for his next snide remark. Instead, the captain left it at that and turned to his mechanic. "Kaylee, we got a little spare coin left, so when we get planet side tomorrow I got a notion for you and Wash to go get us supplies and spare parts." Kaylee's shoulders perked up. "Essentials only," Mal emphasized, causing them to slump again. "Take an inventory of all the things you think we can't do without."
"But, Cap'n, everything's essential," she protested.
"No it ain't. I'm talkin' only the things that might leave us stranded if they broke."
"One little part breakin' is all it takes to xian ru huan.4 Puts a strain on all them more important ones. Next thing you know we got a catalyzer or compression coil or inertial dampener blown."
"Well, we don't got that much. You gotta prioritize."
"Fine," Kaylee grumbled, getting up. Mal followed her to the doorway as she headed towards the crew bunks.
"I mean it," he called after her.
"I hear ya!" she yelled back without turning. She descended into her bunk and slammed the door.
Mal swung back to Inara now that they were alone, anger clearly evident on his face.
"So I guess lyin' to her now will make it all better when you actually gotta tell her you're leavin'. That your plan?"
"I wasn't lying to her, Mal."
"You sure as hell didn't tell her the truth. I'm pretty sure that's the definition of lying."
"Well you're not making it any easier on me," she shot back, defensive.
"You ain't makin' it easier on yourself." Mal moved towards her. "You told me you'd be leavin' once we reached New Melbourne. We land there tomorrow, and you still ain't told a one of 'em. Now the others I ain't so concerned about. But Kaylee thinks of you as her jie jie. I will not have you hurt her by waitin' 'till the last minute, or skippin' outta here without so much as a word of goodbye. You can't string her along like that." True shock crossed Inara's face, followed by furious anger. She slammed her teacup down hard enough that half of the drink splashed out onto the stovetop.
"Mal, what do you think I am?! Some kind of hei xin gui?" she spluttered.
"You ain't winnin' no awards for kindness in my book the way you're behavin'."
"I care about Kaylee. I would never, ever hurt her. But I'll tell her when the time is right. Not when you feel like I should, and certainly not while you're going to stand there and chou di me about my work!"
"Well your time's runnin' out," Mal leaned over the stove dividing them. "And if you don't say somethin', then I will!"
"Mal, if you even speak a hint to her before I do…" Noise on the rear stairs halted her threat mid-sentence, and both of them turned their heads in that direction.
"Ow," Simon complained as he emerged from around the corner of the stairwell, limping.
"Don't put weight on it. Here, lean on me." River appeared right behind him. His sister came around to his left side and tried to throw his arm over her shoulder.
"River, it's okay. I don't really need… ow!" Simon stumbled and winced as he took another step. He bent down, clutching at his left thigh.
"See, I told you." River folded her arms and shook her head at her elder sibling, conjuring the image of a mother chiding her errant son.
"Okay. I guess I could use a little help," Simon groaned.
"Poor brother. Takes care of others but doesn't know how to take care of himself." River slipped her shoulder beneath his arm and helped him upright.
"Oh. Good morning," Simon said as he rose, greeting the two faces in the dining area which were still awkwardly frozen over the stove.
"Good morning," Inara did her best bend her expression into a smile.
"Mornin'," Mal cleared his throat and mumbled. They threw each other sidelong glares and Inara knew their argument was not over. She turned her back quickly to compose her features under the cover of searching for a rag to mop up her spilled tea.
"Well look at this," she heard Mal say, cheerful all of a sudden. "Little sister's helpin' her big brother out now. My how the tables have turned. How's he doin'?"
"He's very stubborn," River pronounced with mild disapproval.
"I expect that runs in the family," said Mal. Inara found a rag, and, feeling her emotions safely under control now, turned to face the pair.
"How is your leg, Simon?" she asked, putting on the most polite smile she could manage while she sopped up the mess.
"It's… painful," Simon grimaced while River carefully helped him descend the stoop to the dining room floor.
"Gettin' shot usually is," Mal observed. River guided her brother over to the table, pulled out a chair, and eased him into it.
"Can I get you anything?" Inara asked solicitously.
"No, thanks," Simon said with a sigh as River knelt down and propped his leg up on an extra chair. Mal chuckled.
"Looks like she's finally found her niche, Doctor."
"Yes. Though she can be kind of overbearing sometimes," Simon glanced at his sister with a teasing grin.
"Simon takes care of me. I take care of him," River stated with full seriousness.
"I guess you're gettin' a taste of your own medicine, whether you want it or not." Mal smiled, but his eyes drifted back over to Inara. The pleasantness on his face started to fade. She saw he was not about to let her get away without saying whatever else he had to say to her. Her own expression hardened. A vaguely tense silence hovered in the room.
"It's cold," River uttered, suddenly shivering and rubbing her arms.
"Yes it is. I think perhaps the heater isn't working properly," Inara mentioned with a crisp look for Mal.
"Yeah. I'll have Kaylee take a look at it," Mal excused. Simon's eyes moved perceptively between the two, taking note of the unspoken tension.
"I'm sorry, did we interrupt something?" he asked.
"No. Why?" Mal responded with just a breath of hesitation.
"It just seemed like… you were in the middle of something," Simon glanced between them again.
"We were just discussing my schedule when we get to New Melbourne," Inara said, falsely casual.
"Oh." She heard in Simon's voice that he did not quite believe her. She forced her features to remain pleasant, though. Inside, she cursed Mal for riling her and shaking her control.
"A farewell journey." River's eyes alighted on Inara as she spoke. There was no malice or accusation in the words. It was a just a simple statement, seemingly lacking context like much of what the girl said. But for an instant as Inara met River's penetrating gaze, she knew that somehow River knew. All of!the fear and guilt that had tortured her since Nandi's funeral suddenly rose up, overwhelming. She had to get out of the room.
"Excuse me," she muttered hastily. Grabbing what was left of her tea, she hurried out.
"What was that all about?" Simon's question reached her retreating ears, but she was descending the forward stairs too rapidly to hear if he got an answer.
Reaching her shuttle over the cargo bay, she flung open the door and slammed it behind her, making sure to engage the lock. Safe within its confines, she let her fury loose.
"Zuo jing guan de tian bu shi xiang de xiao pi gu yan!" The cup in her hand shook so much that more of its contents spilled onto the floor. She set it down on the table and began pacing. She knew what she was doing. Mal was just being infuriatingly intrusive, or more so than usual, and she chided herself for letting him wreak havoc on her emotions like that. He had no standing to force her to explain her motives to the crew. Nor did he have the right to take it upon himself to do it for her. Plus, he had the gall to suggest she might purposefully hurt Kaylee by not telling her she was leaving! "Mang chun cai!" And River's comment was too prescient to be a coincidence. It was not so hard now to believe that she might be a reader, as outrageous as it sounded. Either that or she was as perceptive as any House-trained Companion. That look had cut right through her, stripped her bare, and left her feeling as exposed and vulnerable as if she stood there naked.
It was not until the floor suddenly wobbled beneath her feet and the room blurred that she became aware of her noisy, wheezing breath and the pain in her chest. Her pacing halted and she pressed a hand between her breasts, the other hand reaching for something to steady her against the abrupt lightheadedness. The pain intensified rapidly and her lungs labored. Something sharp like talons viciously slashed into them. Violent, spastic coughing wracked her as she tried to draw breath. She doubled over, trying in vain to fight the reflex and inhale, but it was impossible. For another agony of seconds, she lurched and heaved. Finally the constriction eased and she sucked in life-giving air. She practically fell onto her bed, spots dancing before her eyes. Droplets of sweat beaded on her pale brow, and the trembling in her hands was no longer the effect anger. Her heart hammered in her ears while dizziness turned the room into a whirling carnival ride. The demon was there, raising its ugly head just below the surface.
The shuttle door rattled as someone tried to open it, and then a pounding came from outside.
"Inara! I ain't finished yet! Open up!" Mal hollered. Inara did not have the strength to respond. It was all she could do to simply turn her head and look at the door. "Inara! This is still my shuttle, you know!" Mal banged and yelled some more. She was thankful that the exterior and interior doors had separate locks. Mal could not get in unless she unlocked the shuttle from the inside. She ignored his shouting and leaned her head back, closing her eyes.
"An ru tai shan. Wei yi li, bu dong de." The words came out a hoarse whisper as she was still working hard to breathe normally. She visualized the mountain, resisting the wind and rain, its feet rooted deep in the heart of the earth. Patience, perseverance, and will. It took millions of years for the elements to weather the rock. So it would be with her. She would resist. It would not take her. Not yet, at least. It took a few moments, but visualization worked. The claws in her chest retreated. She opened her eyes and drew in shaky breaths. She had escaped this time. But what would have happened if she had been in the galley still? For the past two weeks she had sequestered herself in her shuttle as much as possible, but there was still a risk. Granted, it had taken time to make arrangements, and Serenity was only just now reaching someplace suitably resembling civilization. But still she feared she had stayed too long. I have to get off this ship, she resolved. Before it's too late.
kuang zha dui- pile of slag
zao chen- good morning
mei mei- little sister
xian ru huan- to land into trouble
jie jie- big sister
hei xin gui- black-hearted monster
chou di- hurl insults at
Zuo jing guan de tian bu shi xiang de xiao pi gu yan- "Ignorant, narrow-minded, tactless little ass!"
mang chun cai- blind fool
An ru tai shan. Wei yi li, bu dong de- "Solid as Mt. Taishan. I stand majestically, immovable."