Unknown Beginnings
Chapter 1: Unbearable Pain
I managed to make it up the stairs without falling. I was leading with my hands because my eyes were blurry from tears. I made it halfway up the second flight of stairs before I felt the hand on me.
"Bella, wait." Jasper's voice was thick with emotion.
I couldn't look at him. I didn't want to. I wasn't sure I could handle the sadness in his eyes. Yet, I knew that he was having to do just that. He did not only have to deal with his own grief, but everyone else's.
"Bella, calm down." I felt the waves of calm that he was sending at me and they worked a little.
The tears subsided a bit and my breathing became easier. I slid down the rail until I was curled up with my knees to my chest. Jasper was kneeling on the stairs beside me.
"I need you to listen to me. I don't blame you. You tried. That is more than I can ask for. I know you are hurting. I feel it. I know it feels like your life got ripped away from you just as you were about to get it back. I feel the same way. Whether you know it or not Bella, he loved you. He left for you. I blame myself for that absence still to this day. Had I been able to control myself better it never would have happened. That is all I worked on while we were away. I learned to control myself better. I did it for you two. I knew that it would be easier on him if he didn't have to worry about me attacking you again. Then you find out you can save him and you go and it just wasn't mean to be. I know he is somewhere better. I know that he didn't seem to think he had a soul, but for someone like Edward, there is something better. You need to believe that. You need to believe, just like I do, that he and Alice are up there looking down and happy for us. They want us to live our lives. It is the only way you are going to be able to go on."
"I'm… not sure… I know how to do that," I said between breaths of air.
"Day by day. Nobody can do it alone, that is for sure. I need you. I need you to help me."
At his words I finally looked up at him. He seemed to be pleading with me. I knew that he would be the only one in this house that would understand what I was going through completely.
"I need you too," I whispered.
He nodded before pulling me into a hug. I buried my head in his chest and let the tears come again. The cold arms around me felt familiar and heartbreaking all at the same time. We must have sat there for hours as he held me crying. I felt my eyes starting to droop and my head lulled to the side. A second later I was in the air and Jasper was carrying me up to my room.
"Jasper." I was struggling to keep my eyes open.
"Yes, Bella?" He looked down at me as he placed me on the familiar bed.
"I don't want to be alone. Please make sure someone is always in here with me. I have nightmares."
"Of course. Get some sleep. You look like you haven't slept at all." He pulled the blanket up around me and then sat down on the chair in the corner.
I fell asleep before I could say anymore.
When I woke I heard birds chirping outside the window. I opened my eyes and saw the sun streaming in. I stretched my body out and sat up a little resting my body on my elbow.
"Morning, sunshine." A low voice came from behind me.
I jumped and spun around to see Emmett sitting on the bed with a PSP in his hand.
"Em, you scared me!" I scolded slapping him on the knee.
"Sorry Bells. Didn't mean to." He gave me a crooked grin that didn't quite reach his eyes.
"It's ok. What time is it?" I asked looking around for the clock.
"Almost noon."
"Wow. I really need to get my days straight."
"Around here it really doesn't matter." He shut the game off and put it down looking at me seriously. "How you feeling?"
"Still a little tired. Not enough to go back to sleep though. I feel like that was the best sleep in a while though. Only a few nightmares. I think I might venture downstairs again today."
"That's good. I'm glad to see you coming out of it a little. You know nobody expects you to be perfect right?" He seemed concerned about this thought.
"I know. I'm going to be far from it. I just need to get up and start functioning."
"So, uh, your funeral is today," He said out of no where.
"What?" I shrieked.
"Carlisle arranged everything and got a body from the morgue that nobody claimed. It was burned up pretty good. The service is at the high school. We are all going. Well, except for Jasper. We figure he is the best to stay with you. People will understand that."
"How do they think I died?"
"Carlisle told them that you… uh… Alice and Edward… were in an accident and the car caught on fire." He seemed to struggle saying their names.
"Oh," I glanced around the room uncomfortably.
"Well, I am going to go get dressed for the service. Jasper is in the living room whenever you are ready to come down."
"Ok, thank you Emmett for sitting with me."
"You're my sister. The only one I got left. I would do anything for you," He said before making his way out of the room.
The only one he had left. My thoughts wandered to Alice. I could still see her brilliant smile on the plane when we had talked about changing me. I could feel her excitement when she talked about shopping. I could feel her cold arms around me as she hugged me tightly. I felt the tears welled up and took a few deep breaths to calm myself back down. I made my way into the bathroom and brushed my teeth and my hair. I slipped into a pair of jeans and was about to slip into a t-shirt when I paused at the closet. I slid it open and was hit by Edward's scent. His sweet aroma wafted into the room surrounding me. I ran my hand along all the clothes in their. After a few minutes of reminiscing I grabbed on of his plain t-shirts and slipped it on. This would have to do for now to keep the monsters at bay. I grabbed a hair tie throwing my hair in a pony tail and made my way downstairs.
Jasper was sitting on the couch watching House. He turned his head as I came down the stairs and gave me a small smile.
"I was wondering if you were going to come out today?" he was trying to cheer me up.
"Sorry. I haven't slept well in quite a while. Thank you for making sure someone was with me," I stopped and stood in the middle of the room staring at the TV.
"I would have stayed myself but Emmett got all territorial about it and said he wanted a turn." I smiled lightly at him and turned my attention back to the TV.
"You going to sit down or stand there all day." I glanced back over at him and he patted the cushion next to him on the couch.
I sat down lightly and he put his arm around my shoulders pulling me to him. I rested my head on his shoulder and curled my legs up to my chest. We sat like this for about an hour watching a House marathon that was on. My stomach growled loudly during a commercial.
"Are you hungry?" he asked quietly.
"No. My stomach obviously thinks so though."
"When is that last time you ate?"
"I'm ok." I was trying to avoid this subject.
"Bella, you are loosing weight. Just tell me."
I looked up at him for a moment and he simply stared at me waiting for an answer.
"Two days ago," I whispered.
"Well, that does it. I am making you something. You can't go that long without food. I know you are depressed, but it's not going to do any good if you starve yourself to death."
I looked away as he scolded me. His words about death sounded appealing.
"It would to me," I mumbled.
He was silent and didn't attempt to move to go make me food.
"Why would you even say that? Haven't we lost enough people? Bella, I couldn't stand it if I lost you too." He whispered the last words.
"I'm sorry Jasper. I didn't mean it. I know this is just as hard for you as it is for me." I looked back up at him and attempted a smile. It felt all wrong.
"I'll be right back with some food." He said before he stood and walked into the kitchen.
I felt horrible. Again, I had made someone hurt. I was trying, but sometimes it seemed hard. I would just have to try harder.
Two Months Later
Life had changed a little. I had healed a little. Don't get me wrong… it was still a fresh wound and would take years, if not decades to heal. I am not sure it ever would completely, but I was trying. Things around the house had gotten easier too. Everyone seemed to be getting back into the groove of things. Carlisle and Esme seemed to be happier. Esme was back to decorating and had found a little cottage out in the middle of the woods on their property that she was fixing up and remodeling. Carlisle was hard at work. Rosalie had stepped into the place of Alice as my best friend. She still didn't understand the idea of me wanting to be a vampire, but was more open to it seems I was living with them now anyway. Emmett was back to his old self. On occasion you would seem him visibly upset and know he was thinking about Alice and Edward, but normally he was causing ruckus and picking on me to make me blush. Jasper was the biggest difference. I always figured that Alice was the reason he stuck around this lifestyle, but he was a lot better. His control was better and he never had a problem being around me. We had grown the closest. I didn't leave the house much because I was supposed to be dead. We were actually moving to a new place somewhere up in Alaska not too far from the Denali's. After a month we had packed up most of Edward and Alice's things. Each of us had taken a few things to keep out as little reminders, but the rest got put into boxes and stacked in the garage. I knew none of it would ever get thrown away. I had taken the pictures of us, a few of his favorite CD's, a few books, and all of his shirts. Of course they were beginning to not smell like him, but the thought is what counted. I also kept his pillow. I slept with it wrapped in my arms every night. Other than that his room had been transformed into my room. I chose not to paint the walls or anything. We simply got new bedspreads, and decorations. I also had to go on a shopping spree with Rosalie and Esme for a new wardrobe because all of my clothes had still been at Charlie's.
From what I heard, Charlie was doing ok. One of the ladies from La Push was spending a lot of time with him, which made me feel good. A big part of me felt guilty for leaving him the way I did, but I knew that he would have been unhappy with me around. I was still not the happiest person. Other than that, we had simply spent a lot of time talking and I wandered the property a lot. With the company of someone of course. They were still just as protective of me as normal.
Here it was, the day of the move. We had spent the whole night before packing up the cars with the last few things we had left and then the whole day driving. All of the belongings and furniture had been bought for the new house and were already there and waiting. The sun was starting to set when we pulled in the driveway. The house was huge, of course. Esme had done well picking it out. I stepped out of the car that me and Jasper had ridden in together and stretched. As I looked at the sun that was barely a peek over the horizon I smiled.
It's Twilight. This is the safest time of day for us.
Edward's words echoed in my head. I felt a hand on my shoulder and turned to look at Jasper standing there.
"You ok? I called your name a few times and you didn't answer."
"Yeah, Jas. Just thinking about the time Edward explained Twilight to me."
It had gotten a lot easier to say his name. It still hurt most of the time, but I could say it without flinching. I missed him most when I was alone. If I had company around it was easier.
Jasper smiled at me and pulled me toward the house. Inside was even nicer than outside. There was a huge fireplace and large sitting space. Of course the big screen was already hooked up and Emmett was sitting on the couch watching a football game.
"I see he has found his place in life," I said picking on him.
"You better watch it Bella. I will attack you."
"Oh, who's afraid of the big bad wolf?" I mocked him knowing he didn't like the wolves.
"You will pay for those comments later Bells!" he yelled as I walked into the kitchen.
Esme was there putting groceries away.
"You know Esme. I am very capable of getting my own groceries now that I will be aloud to leave the house."
"Oh Bella, you will not be leaving this house alone. But besides that, I love taking care of you. It's been a while since I was able to cook and care for someone else. Don't spoil it for me," She said winking as she went back to her task.
"Want to see your room?" Jasper asked.
"Yeah. And yours!" I said as we made our way up the stairs.
The second story had Rosalie and Emmett's room as well as Carlisle and Esme's. Carlisle's study was at the end of the long hallway. Jasper then led me up to the third floor. Jasper paused at the first door and opened it. This was Jasper's study I assumed. His desk and computers were set up along one wall and bookshelves surrounded it on each side.
"This is nice! Always have to have your study." I said poking him in the side.
"Oh you have it wrong Bella. This is our study," He said pointing toward behind the door.
I looked at him confused and made my way into the room. Once you entered the room it opened up and was huge. Jasper's stuff was on one side and behind the door was a whole other side. There was a dark cherry wood desk with a big plushy looking char behind it. Two bookshelves were behind it filled with all kinds of books. I turned around and looked at Jasper.
"Are you kidding me?" I asked shocked.
"Of course not. You know I don't mind sharing a space with you. This way you have somewhere to do your school work and do your writing."
I stared at him for a moment longer before launching myself into his arms. He wrapped his arms around my waist and lifted me slightly off the floor.
"I want you to be happy." He whispered in my ear.
I got a weird tingly feeling in my stomach as his breath brushed past my skin. I pulled back and looked at him thinking maybe he had sent it to me. I wasn't sure what the emotion was. His face was about two inches from mine and my breathe caught in my throat and my heart skipped a beat. All I could see where his lips. They were perfectly shaped and glistened in the light coming through the window. I quickly pealed my eyes away and let myself go from him.
"Uh, thank you. Let's go check out the rooms." I turned on my heel and made a beeline for the hallway.
He was quickly behind me and opened the next door in the hallway. It was clearly my room. There was a huge four poster queen sized bed in the middle of the room. Dark purple bedding covered it. A rocking chair sat in one corner and there were dressers and bookshelves lining the walls. I walked over to one of the shelves, which had pictures set on it. I picked up one of me and Edward. It had been taken when we were at the house with the family. He was sitting on the couch and I was sitting on his lap laugh. We were both laughing. A tear slid down my cheek.
"Esme figured you would like those in here." Jasper's voice was quiet from the doorway.
I nodded not looking away. I sat the picture back down and picked up the one next to it. It was one of me and Jasper from about a week ago. We were sitting on that same couch next to each other. His arm was around the back of me and we seemed to be staring at something off to the side. Apparently, unaware to the camera in our face. I couldn't help the flutter in my stomach again. We looked so comfortable. I continued to look at it for a long moment trying to get the right word. There was a word that described our pose and I couldn't get it to bubble up. Finally it hit me. Natural. It looked natural.