Matchmaker

Hange gets a day off and spends it playing matchmaker. Levi is not amused.

Rated T for language.

Hange threw herself onto the bed, groaning dramatically into the pillow.

"Mandatory day off!" she laughed bitterly. "What a waste of time! I don't need a day off. I need to work. I need to move. I can't just sit still like this. How do you do it?"

"Get off my bed, you'll wrinkle the sheets," Levi remarked from where he sat at his desk, not looking up from his paperwork. "And take your damn shoes off. I just cleaned the floors."

Hange sighed and kicked her boots off, turning and laying on the bed upside down, her head hanging off the bed and watching Levi work upside down.

"What do you do on your day off?" she demanded. "Besides for cleaning."

"I keep to myself and don't bother my superiors," he remarked.

"Superior?! Since when are you my superior?! I was in the Scouts before you, you pipsqueak." She huffed. "This is torture! I should be spending the day with my titans! I was going to read to Sonny today." She slid her eyes towards him. "Hey, Levi. Want me to read to you?"

"No," he replied, still not being bothered to look up.

Hange sighed with boredom. After a few moments there was a knock on the door.

Levi sighed. "What?"

The door opened, and Petra stood there. "Hey, Captain," she said, polite and friendly. She held some papers in one hand, a mug of steaming tea in the other. She waved the papers. "Erwin asked me to bring these to you. He needs to send a progress report on Eren to the inner walls tomorrow and since he's your, um, protégé, Erwin wants you to fill them out."

Levi sighed. "Fine. Put them there on the desk."

"Sure thing. And here." She sat the tea in front of him. Levi had to remind himself that Petra was, in all honestly, his favorite from his squad, and that he should thank her. He looked at her, giving a nod – as close to a "thank you" as he got – and Petra smiled.

"See you, Captain," she waved. "Hi, Hange."

"Hey, Petra," Hange said glumly as the young woman left. She waited for several long moments, watching Levi fill out forms and sip at the tea. Hange turned right side up, the blood rushing to her head, and sat on his bed cross legged. "She's a sweet girl."

"Mm."

"And very pretty," Hange said.

Levi sounded suspicious. "She's alright, I guess."

"And she is a great cook," Hange continued, on a roll. "And I've seen her room. She keeps it really clean. You know, I think just about everyone around here has a crush on Petra. She's kind and good looking and can kill titans with the best of them. Nothing better than a woman like that. Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee, eh? In fact –"

"For fucks sake, Hange, spit it out," Levi snapped, annoyed with her rambling.

Hange shrugged innocently. "I've just noticed that you're not exactly getting any younger, Levi. And Petra would make a good partner. I'm sure she'd be open to the idea of marriage. I can see the wedding now. Erwin could officiate, Arlet could be the flower boy. Petra'd look quite pretty in a dress, don't you think? And I know you have a nice suit around here somewhere. And another plus is you're taller than her – barely – but I know that would help boost your ego. Honestly, a wedding wouldn't be a hard thing to plan. I could actually have the whole thing ready to go before the next expedition. Eren would make an adorable groomsman, and I'd be your best woman of course. Mikasa and Christa could be bridesmaid, Sasha could cater . . . I've heard that Jean boy play a few tunes on a guitar, I'm sure he could find a good wedding song. Oh! And we could dress up Sonny and Bean. They'd look absolutely adorable in flower crowns, don't you think? Yes, the whole thing would come together quite nicely, huh?" She smiled brightly, looking at Levi, who just stared at her with slightly widened eyes for several long moments.

"You marry her," he finally said, and returned to his paper work.

"Oh, believe me, I would," Hange nodded. "But I'm not her type. She's just not intense enough for me. I need somebody who can keep up with me. Someone who can listen to me ramble, and shut up and let me talk. Someone who doesn't mind space." She thought about it. "Basically, someone like you. Only taller."

Levi cursed, ignoring her. "What the hell do they need to know how many meals the shitty brat eats a day?!" he demanded, glaring at the paper. "How should I know? I don't feed the kid."

"Ask him," Hange said, jerking her thumb at the window. "He's in the yard, training."

Levi stood, heading for the window and leaning out of it slightly, finding the new recruits training. Eren was sparring with Mikasa, who was obviously going easy on him, but Levi decided not to call her out on it.

"Hey, brat," Levi called, and Mikasa and Eren stopped. Mikasa reached for her water while Eren looked up at Levi. "How many meals do you eat a day?"

"Oh." Eren looked very embarrassed. "About six, sir."

Levi's raised his eyebrows. "Six?! Who the hell eats six full meals a day?"

"His metabolism is very high due to his powers," Hange reminded Levi, her tone bored. "Six meals to him is like two for us. It's perfectly normal."

"Right," Levi frowned, looking back at Eren. "Well . . . just keep eating like that, then. And keep your fists up, your form is sloppy."

"Yes, sir!" Eren replied enthusiastically, saluting, and Levi retreated to his desk.

"What would you do without me?" Hange sighed dramatically, laying back on the bed.

"Finish my paperwork in peace."

She sighed again, and then tried to decide how to pursue her next topic. "Eren is mature for his age, don't you think?"

"He could be worse," Levi agreed, only half paying attention to her.

"And he's very strong," she continued. "But he respects you. So eager to please. It's refreshing, really, to see you with someone so sweet. Someone you can teach –"

"Don't even think about it," Levi said, not looking at her.

"I'm just saying," Hange continued. "In a few years, I can see him shaping up to be a lot like you. But not too much like you. More of a balance, you know. His happy, fun attitude and your dry, crude one. And he's a good looking boy. Pretty eyes, nice smile."

"Stop."

"Of course I'm not quite sure about Eren's, ah, priorities, you know. I mean Mikasa seems to care for him but he also hangs out with Armin a lot so I suppose either one of those could mean something. Or nothing. I could just ask him, I guess. I could say it pertains to something to do with his titan form. Or something. I don't know, I'm good at improvising. I just feel like he'd be so enthusiastic in, you know, your alone time . . . "

"Would you shut up," Levi snapped. "Listen closely, shitty-glasses, I do not want to marry Petra, and I do not want to sleep with Eren! If I wanted to do either of those things, I would pursue them of my own accord instead of letting you sit around and play matchmaker. So, if you insist on staying and soiling my bed with your filth while I finished this paper work, I ask you do it in silence. If you can't cooperate, I will throw you out the damn window. Are we clear?"

"Sure," she yawned, staring out the window.

"Good." He returned to his paper work. For a while, the only sound was the noise from Levi's quill, and the noise of the recruits down in the yard. Hange twiddled her thumbs, counted the bricks in the wall, and cleaned underneath her nails. She sighed and scratched at her chin. After about a half hour, she couldn't stand it.

"Erwin is single," she said quietly.

Eren and the others looked up in shock when they heard a surprised scream, and a blur as something was thrown from Captain Levi's room. It took them a moment to realize it was Hange, and they watched in stunned silence as she landed perfectly in a large pile of hay, sinking into the straw.

Her head popped out of the large hay pile, straw sticking out of her hair as she grinned and waved at Levi's window.

"Great talk!" she called, and Levi slammed his shutters closed.