It's her first time in the loft since their separation had become far more real than she had ever planned, since she had stopped by to shove the rest of her things into a cramped suitcase and left her key on the dresser, and despite the time that's passed, the changes that have occurred, she had still expected for it to feel like home, for it to look like home.
She had been wrong.
The initial design is the same, a few pieces of furniture moved, the contents of the bookshelves rearranged and the coffee table in a different spot, but the place looks more like a rental than the well-loved home she once knew. It's so bland, so bare and devoid of life, the personal touches of him, of their life, their memories, no longer on the walls, the shelves.
The front door slams shut once she's stepped inside and Rick shrugs out of his coat, hangs it in the coat closet without much care, doesn't offer to take hers. The remainder of their walk from the café had been tense, the elevator ride up to the top floor of the building even worse, and he had shaken off her hand the second the doors to the lift had closed. Her fingers have been chilled, jittery and mourning the loss, ever since.
"I'm thinking about selling it."
Castle steps past her, heading for the kitchen, and she stumbles but follows him with confusion creasing her brow. "Selling what?"
"The loft," he replies over his shoulder, so blasé and nonchalant, as if it's far from a big deal.
"W-what? Why?" she demands, watching him retrieve a mug from one of the kitchen cabinets while he flips the switch on the coffeemaker.
"Why not?" he tosses back, training his eyes on the machine whirring to life on the counter, and Kate grits her teeth. She's aware that she has no right to be irritated over this, to feel hurt over his flippant manor. It's a defense mechanism she had grown to recognize over time, shrugging off the issue, masking it with cool indifference, but it's been a long while since he's used it on her.
"Because," she murmurs, bracing her hip against the island, twining her arms over her chest to refrain from fidgeting. "This is your home."
"Not much of a home anymore, Beckett." The bite of her surname punctures the battered muscle of her heart, the words that follow ensuring its demise. "You asked for a few minutes, said you would explain," he prompts, glaring down at the brewing coffee, refusing to look at her.
She has already cried in front of him once today, she absolutely cannot allow the lump in her throat, the sting in her eyes, to prevail again, so she copies his method, turns her back on him.
"You remember the case, Allison Hyde's killer?" she begins, chewing on her bottom lip and listening to his hum of acknowledgement. "The only reason he let us live, let me live, was because LockSat thought that his cover had worked."
"LockSat?"
"I never found out their identity," she sighs, frowning down at the kitchen floor, the disappointment in herself, the regret over all she had given up just to fall down another rabbit hold flaring up again, ready to eat her alive. "All I learned was that they were Bracken's partner, linked to the CIA-"
"Practically untouchable," Castle murmurs the assessment and Kate nods even though she knows he isn't looking at her.
"I thought - I thought I could do it," she confesses on a breath that shakes, rattles in her chest, and she presses her folded arms in tighter to keep herself together just a little while longer. "And I thought that I could do it in a matter of weeks, months at most. If LockSat would have found out I was still investigating the case, they would have killed me. And anyone I was close to."
"So pushing me away was your bright idea?" he mutters, his voice louder, aimed towards her instead of the gurgling machine, and Beckett takes another deep breath that does nothing for her nerves, before she turns back to face him. "Going rogue and lone vengeance on this for two years was the smartest move in your mind?"
The rage and incredulity battle for dominance in the dark clouds of his eyes, flaring like lightning bolts in a gathering storm, and it takes all of her courage not to shrink back like a child receiving a lecture.
"At the time," she admits, pursing her lips to stop them from trembling. "It wasn't the best idea, I see that now, but the thought of them coming after you… I would have died if I lost you."
"And you think that doesn't go both ways?" he roars at her, abandoning his spot against the counter, striding up to her with his chest heaving and his eyes furious but beseeching, so raw and wounded. "I would have walked into a fucking tornado for you, Kate. I would have done anything-"
"You think I don't know that?" she hisses, matching his stance, but she doesn't want to fight. All she wants is to wrap him in her arms, soothe the scars she's caused and bandage the wounds while she begs for his forgiveness, for him to make room in his heart for her again. All she wants is to rip up the divorce papers still strewn across her kitchen table and return to their bed, to find rest in his arms after two years of horrific dreams and sleepless nights. All she wants is the chance to love him again, to love him right. "You jumped in front of a bullet for me, Rick. I couldn't risk that happening again."
"It wasn't your decision to make," he growls, his hands turning to fists at his sides. "You want to know what hurts the most?" She doesn't, she really doesn't, but she hardens her jaw, braces herself and prepares for the words to sting like salt in all of her open wounds. "You could have come to me with everything, broken us up, just like you did only it would have been a cover and together, in secret, we could have taken this guy down. Only that thought never even occurred to you because deep down inside, you like being broken."
His words cleave her in half, the remorse that's become a daily companion swallowing her whole, and she backs away from him, tries so hard to resist the urge to clutch at her chest, to press her fist to the phantom ache of a faded bullet scar.
"And you need this obsession, Kate. More than you ever needed me."
"That's not true," she gets out, her protest fierce but threatening to fall apart, to crumble into a choked sob. "You come before everything else. I always wanted you more than anything else."
"Bullshit-"
"No, you had been the one good thing," she grates out, the gravel in her throat ruining her attempts to keep her composure, but she's past caring. "Our relationship, our marriage, was never perfect, but it was beautiful and sacred and I - I knew when that case came up, when I couldn't let it go, that I could fall down the rabbit hole, that it could be my mother's case all over again. I didn't want to taint us, taint you, more than I already had."
"Katherine Beckett-"
"I'm broken, but I thought I could fix myself," she murmurs, giving in and sealing her palm to the raised flesh above her heart, applying the pressure she needs to help her breathe past the beginnings of a panic attack. "I thought I could change it all on my own without any help. And I knew you couldn't change it for me, no matter how much better you made my life, no matter how happy you made me, but I… we could have done it together. Everything."
His eyes are piercing, hooking into her chest and reeling her bloodied heart to spear against her ribcage, but she can't look at him, not anymore. He wanted the truth, an explanation, and she had given it. Now it was time for her to go, put them both out of their misery.
"It doesn't mean much, especially not now, but I'm sorry that I hurt you, Rick, that I ruined our marriage," Kate whispers, the only way for her voice to sound anywhere near even. "That was never what I wanted. Not even close."
He remains silent and Beckett takes that as her cue to go, forcing her gaze to stick to the toes of her boots as she moves to step past him, prepared to head for the door, leave the remains of her heart at his feet in the shell of what was once their home.
"I'll mail the papers in the morning."
Her eyes flutter closed once she's out of the kitchen, headed for the door, and she decides to wait until she's in the safety of the hallway to wipe at the renegade tears streaking down her cheeks. Rick's fingers hook in the crook of her elbow before she can make it there.
"Where are you now?" Kate glances over her shoulder to see him, his eyes searching hers, imploring and hurt and hopeful. For what, she isn't sure. "With the case, with LockSat?"
"I'm - nowhere," she mumbles, lowering her gaze to the sight of his fingers, long and thick and curled around her arm, the warmth of his skin penetrating the fabric of her peacoat. "I passed it onto an agent who had helped me once in the beginning, who had already been tracking the case and advised me against pursuing it in the first place."
"Smart agent," he mutters, loosening his grip on her arm, but she doesn't want him to let go. "You're done with it then?"
"I've been done with it for a little over a month now," Kate sighs, scraping her unrestrained hand through her hair. "I kept thinking that I was so close to solving it, to learning the truth. I would get a new lead, follow it through for months, only to come up empty. Over and over again. I guess the divorce papers were a wake up call."
"But you waited this long to contact me?" he questions, his brow knitting and she flexes her fingers at the urge to reach up, smooth out the crease, caress all of the deep lines she's probably to blame for.
"I didn't think you wanted contact from me, Rick. I thought deciding on a divorce... I don't blame you, I just thought you'd want the opposite."
"Then why now? Why decide to show up now?"
"Because I-" Her throat is dry, her words turning to gravel that she attempts to swallow down. "The last lead I had was the closest I'd ever come, the closest I've ever been to learning who was behind LockSat, and allowing them the chance to figure out I was purusing them. Vikram wanted-"
Rick growls, mutters something about a 'sorry substitute for a partner' under his breath, but purses his lips, urges her to continue with a sharp nod.
"He wanted to keep going, thought we were finally going to figure it all out, so I called Rita, your - the agent I mentioned. She told me the only thing I was going to accomplish was getting myself killed, that I had already lost enough to LockSat, and I thought of you." Kate tentatively lifts her eyes, not expecting mercy, even an ounce of understanding, but finding it hiding in the depths of his gaze, beneath the anger and the sorrow. "That argument we had in my apartment, right before the fight with Maddox on the roof, you mentioned dying for my cause. I didn't want that. I don't."
Castle purses his lips, the memory of that night flashing in his eyes, the outcome that had followed.
"I waited the extra month to ensure that I wasn't being watched, that I wouldn't lead anyone to you," she explains, wiping the sweat of her palms on the outer thighs of her slacks. "Because even if it doesn't seem like it, you were always my top priority in all of this. And I may have gone about it wrong, but I couldn't lose you, Rick. I can't. If I haven't already."
It's his turn to sigh, to rub his fingers over his eyes in frustration, exhaustion, but when he drops his hand back to his side, he snags her gaze, narrows his eyes on her with a challenge flickering to life in the pools of faded blue.
"Do you want to sign those papers?"
"No," she replies without a beat of hesitation, retreating from her escape plan, rotating on the spot to face him properly. "Do you want me to sign them?"
Castle retracts his hand from her arm, but shakes his head. "I never wanted you to sign them."
"Then-"
"But we can't just – I filed for divorce because I thought there was no hope left for us, Kate," he tells her, not ashamed or guilty, he has no reason to be, but… sad, as if the weight of that decision has returned to sit upon his shoulders with full force.
"Then let me prove you wrong," Beckett offers, hoping he can't hear the underlying pleading in her voice, the need she can taste in the back of her throat. "It can't go back to the way it was before, I know that, but… we can fix our marriage, Rick. We can find our way back home."
Subtle excitement flares in his eyes, electric blue and luminescent, but it fades out just as quickly, casting shadows across his face, deepening those frown lines embracing his mouth. He doubts her, doesn't trust her, and she doesn't blame him.
"I love you, Castle." His eyes squeeze shut. "Do you… do you still love me?"
"Don't ask me that," he grunts, ready to step back from her, but Kate coils her fingers around his wrist as it falls away, stays him. "Of course I still love you. That's - that's what's made all of this so damn painful."
She brushes her thumb along the strong bone of his forearm in silent apology, he's heard enough from her lips to last a lifetime.
"Agonizing," she agrees on a quiet exhale, before drawing him in an inch closer, holding his gaze with a determination she hasn't felt in years stirring in her stomach, rising like fire to spread through her chest, burn away the rot and decay that's overtaken her ribcage. "You can't just take me back, but… I can do whatever it takes to show you that I can fix what I broke, that we can be even better than we were before."
Castle cocks his head in curiosity, still doubtful, but a lot more hopeful now too. "I - okay, how?"
Kate bites her bottom lip, stalling because even in her own head, this idea sounds stupid, but he deserves more than an apology, he deserves a true effort, he deserves someone who will fight for him.
"I'll make you fall in love with me again."
A surprised breath of laughter slips past his lips, brittle and unexpected, as if the sound hasn't left the confines of his chest in too long. "Kate, you already did that. We're married."
"Yeah, but we haven't been able to act like a married couple for the last two years because of me," she points out, trailing her fingers down from his wrist to embrace his hand. Those first few months, staying away hadn't been possible. Not completely. He had shown up at her precinct, she had appeared at Remy's knowing he'd be there, and eventually he'd found the new address to her apartment. But that hadn't been what their marriage was supposed to be; it wasn't the kind of marriage he deserved. "We can't just dive back in, but we can wade in the shallows, swim for a while until we're back in the deeper waters."
His eyes soften, harsh indigo gentling into a calm cerulean, and for the first time in two years, her heart beats hard with hope and vigor.
"Okay. When do we start wading?"
Kate tugs her bottom lip between her teeth, a grin twitching at the corners of her mouth when his eyes flicker down to caress the bad habit with his gaze.
"Are you free tomorrow night?"