The warning I forgot in the last chapter Spoilers for all episodes of Merlim Series One and possible some Doctor Who spoilers

Erm, there were several mistakes in the review of The Dragon's Call due to the fact that the Document manager doesn't copy strikethroughs from Microsoft word. If anyone can tell me how to do this, I would be v. happy :)

Some of the jokes from this episode onwards (mostly the ones regarding the Merthur pairing) are adapted from the Slashy Commentaries by xxDibDabxx and Tornintopieces on the Merthur forum. Guys, it's a tribute to your awesomeness, so I hope you're fine with it. And anyone else who is a Merthur fan should join us on the forum, for 'tis v. fun.

Episode Two- Valliant

GSD (Great Slash Dragon) gives the opening introduction, which includes close ups of Colin Morgan's insanely cute blue eyes, with golden-magic-sparkiness to boot.

I – Some creepy shop place

A man walks through thecreepy shop place, glaring at just about everybody. Because he is glaring, he must be the badguy *el gaspeth* Eventually he finds a bald guy with a greasy smile.

GLARING!MAN I understand you have a shield for me *glare*

GREASY-SMILE!MAN You will win, cause my shield is the best *smiles greasily*

AUDIENCE *shudder*

The man speaks gobbledegook over the shield and the snakes in it come to life. Glaring!Man stops glaring long enough to look both impressed and frightened at the same time

GREASY-SMILE!MAN The snakes will obey only you

AUDIENCE *facepalm*

Glaring!Man orders the snakes to kill Greasy-smile!Man. Which they do. He then rides off to Camelot (on a horse) whilst wearing a flappy, yellow cloak. It is yellow, thus he must be awesome. A happy extra welcomes him to Camelot. Snakes hiss sinisterly in the background

OPENING TITLES (why do they list Angel Colby before Bradley James?)

II – Merlin is v. useless at sword fighting

Arthur can't even twirl a sword and insult his manservant without sounding like he is flirting (which he probably is) Merlin's helmet does not fit him at all.

ARTHUR *wacks Merlin's ass with the flat of his sword*

MERTHUR SHIPPERS SQUEE!

MERLIN Can we stop now, plz?

Arthur answers by attacking Merlin again. Such a flirt. Arthur 'pwns Merlin, then swings a mace around his head (v. suggestively)

Gaius ish amused. Then he massages Merlin for the second time in as many episodes. Merlin complains a lot. Ah, Merlin, we all know you love it really. Merlin has also lost the ability to use magic without saying weird words, which is a shame because it was a whole lot cooler when it just happened. Gaius becomes not amused, but it's only because he doesn't want Merlin to be caught, poor guy. Merlin then mentions that it must be tough for Arthur, being chased by girls all the time (jealous much... Of the girls)

GAIUS *bonecrack*

III – Gwen is a great big flirt and Merlin knows nothing about armour

Gwen shows Merlin how armour works. Why Merlin actually has to try the armour on to learn it is a mystery. Gwen probably made him do it so she could look at him, the flirt.

GWEN I guess you know what to do with the helmet

MY MIND *in the gutter*

Once again, the helmet looks very silly on Merlin.

GWEN I am the blacksmith's daughter and therefore know all there is to know about (backstory) armour

MERLIN Erm... The flirting was going fine up until that point

GWEN Crap

Merlin leaves v. quickly and goes to dress Arthur. What fun :) Arthur is (scared out of his wits) not nervous at all

MERLIN Isn't that physically impossible

ARTHUR SHUT THE FUCK UP! *armourpose*Now, give me my sword, pleb. *strides away all importantly*

MERLIN o.0

IV – The (Triwizard) Tournament Stadium

Morgana is wearing a cloak made of around twenty dead cats. All the knights enter and get clapped a lot. Now, if only they'd break into songs about dancing and spam... Or not. YellowCloakGlaring!Man is amongst them. He and Arthur glare at the world in general (though YellowCloak!Man looks badass, and Arthur just looks cranky) Merlin sticks his head around a wall because they ran out of seats for him.

The red, flappy cloak is back, and Uther is inside it somewhere.

UTHER Of course, none of you are as awesome as Arthur but we're gonna give you a jolly good tryout. FIGHTING TIME! *to Arthur* Win for me plz.

Arthur puts on his helmet v. dramatically and we switch to his body double (who is better at sword fighting) Merlin's cheering is a bit OTT, so adorable  There is some slo-mo sword swinging for a bit, until Arthur elbows his opponent in the face and he falls to the ground in a slo-mo way. Everyone ish v. pleased

Cue montage of more sword fighting, most of which involve Arthur and Glaring!Man (but not at the same time) Some mini shields are thrown around. Uther claps whilst bearing his teeth and looking like he wants to eat people's heads. Glaring!Man is a showoff, and decides to show off to Arthur

GLARING!MAN (aka. Knight Valliant) You was good *sinister smile-and-glare*

MERLIN *suspicious look*

ARTHUR ... What was all that about?

MERLIN Creep

Hey, somebody actually said exactly what I was thinking! I didn't even have to parody it! Merlin and Arthur share a little smile-giggle then Arthur pretends it didn't happen by listing a load of jobs for Merlin to do. You're in denial, Arthur. Luckily, Merlin ish special and can clean all Arthur's shiz using teh magics. Gaius ish not amused

V – The Smug-off

Uther and Valliant have a little chat about how awesome they are, then Uther invites the creep to flirt with his ward. Luckily, Morgana can see the badass-evil-sexiness. Well, maybe not the evil bit... Apparently the (Triwizard) Champion has the honour of escorting Morgana to the feast. Lovely, Uther, just lovely, selling off your ward as a Tournament prize.

Morgana is impressed. Arthur is not and sets to out-smug Valliant by chatting up Morgana too.

MORGANA Aww, you're just jealous

ARTHUR Don't see there's anything to be jealous of

V. jealous then

VI – The haunted armoury

Merlin is off to the armoury, which has been infected by sinister hissing.

MERLIN Hello?

Erm... Merlin, it's hissing. But Merlin is a big strong warlock and isn't afraid of hissing things so he goes snooping around looking at other people's stuff... again... and gets winked at by one of the snakes on Valliant's shield. Hmm, a bit Harry Potter. Those snakes do look incredibly evil. Merlin reaches out to touch one and almost gets impaled by Valliant for his trouble. Hmm, I think it might be cold, his breath is showing in the air. Anyways, Merlin digs himself into a right large hole trying to make excuses and legs it.

Arthur doesn't think Merlin is capable of cleaning all that armour on his own. Ah, Arthur, you're boyfriend is special, see :) Cue "Merlin dressing Arthur montage" At one point Arthur looks at his wrist as if he's looking at a watch. Erm... yeah, I notice these minorly odd things. Merlin looks real happy when he's holding up the sword (see, I resisted say "Arthur's sword" because it would send my mind into the gutter) because he didn't forget it this time. I love Arthur's little smile when he says: "That was much better" SO SWEET! In fact, I love both their faces throughout the whole conversation. Merlin even wishes him luck!*dies happy*

VII – The (Quidditch World Cup) Stadium

Arthur: The original hoodie... yeah.

They still haven't saved any seats for poor Merlin. He has to stand on the side again. Aww, I guess he doesn't really mind. Uther's doing that tooth-bearing thing again. Erk.

OMGWTF! GAUIS JUST APPERATED NEXT TO MERLIN!

Gaius is such a slasher

More sword fighting. More OTT encouragement from Merlin. Uther, Gwen, Morgana and the twenty cats in Morgana's cape are nervous. Some Valliant montage. Uther is right, he is pretty aggressive with that sword of his (Mind. Out. Of. Gutter. Please.) Ah, now here we go, we actually get to see some snake-shield action. Pretty cool, if I do say so myself, but isn't attacking the opponent once he's down kind of odd? Nobody else has done it, why is Valliant suddenly allowed? And the opponent turns out to be badly hurt.

VIII – Finally Gaius' room is used for what it was built for

Gaius thinks the wound looks like a snake bite. Merlin is sceptical. Erm, folks, there are snakes on Valliant's shield. Valliant is a glaring womaniser. Two and two together. And Merlin actually saw the snake wink, and he's got magic, so surely he should work it out.

GAIUS Ah, but if we worked it out that quickly, there would be no plot

MERLIN OMGs, he was fighting Knight Valliant!

GAIUS *facepalm*

Merlin goes off on a stroll. Apparently Valliant likes strolling too. ... Why is there a giant chess piece in the middle of a hallway? Merlin once again snoops without knocking, but this time he has a good reason, I guess. Good thing the door isn't creaky. Like Morgana, last episode, Valliant isn't paying any attention whatsoever. He's too busy feeding live rats to his pet snakes (read: teasing them by holding the rat just out of reach) However, unlike Morgana last episode, Valliant is alerted by Merlin's shockgasp and goes for a snoop hunt... Then gives up after about half a minute.

Back in Gaius' room:

MERLIN Valliant is using magic to make the snakes on his shield come alive!

GAIUS Well, Uther won't give a damn unless you have proof

Hang on. If Uther hates magic so much then surely he'd take every accusation seriously, even if it was from a servant. That's what I'd do if I was a tyrannical-but-kinda-sexy-magic-hating-King.

GAIUS Do not question the plot

*facepalm*

DYING!KNIGHT *is dying*

Talking of which, you'd have thought they'd stop or delay the tournament until he gets better or at least ban Valliant because that's who the dying knight was fighting when the damage was caused.

GAIUS PLOT!

Eep!

IX – The Stadium of Snakey Death! (because I could think of any more amusing Harry Potter references)

Merlin gets Arthur all ready for another montagey sword fight. Arthur is v. confident. Morgana has given up on her cat-shawl and now appears to be wearing a rather large ferret around her neck. Arthur does some sword twirling. Valliant, meanwhile, is busy being suspicious and smiling creepily at Merlin. Of course, Arthur wins the latest montage of sword fighting doom. And Valliant wins his. And so Valliant shall fight Arthur in the final. Obvs.

Worried!Merlin is worried for Arthur. He doesn't want him to die a snakey death. See, Merlin, you really do care.

GAIUS I just had a great idea! If we get the antidote and cure Dying!Knight then he can tell Uther about the snakes and Uther will believe him

MERLIN Or he might think that Dying!Knight's injuries have made him into a raving lunatic and not believe him at all.

GAIUS Meh. So, I can haz antidote?

MERLIN *sigh*

Meanwhile...

All the knights are drinking wine and feasting. There is hope for singing from the diaphragm-a-lot yet!

UTHER Oi, Valliant! Do you think you can beat Arthur in a fight? (thinking: NEVAH!)

VALLIANT He is a great warrior and I hope I shall be a worthy opponent (thinking: I KEEL him)

ARTHUR Erm, I am right here, you know.

UTHER You should stay in Camelot when the tournament is over

Erm... is Uther flirting with the badguy again? Better not dwell on that one.

Anyways, Merlin goes a sneaking back into Valliant's room, because sneaking is what he is best at. Ooo, they did magicy golden ripples over the door when he magically opened the lock. Awesomes :)

The shield is sitting v. obviously on a chair. Valliant is a bit better at subtle than Lady Helen... But not much. Merlin steals his sword to protect himself from snakey death. Then sticks his face right in the shield. V. intelligent, Merlin (*coughingfit*) OMGS! There is someone moving about outside. Don't just stand there, Merlin, HIDE FOR HECKS SAKE! Oh dear, now one of those snakes is coming to life behind Merlin's back... And totally gives itself away by hissing at him.

MERLIN *snakeheadchop*

YAY! Dead snake... Oh dear, the other two are coming out to play. RUN MERLIN (but don't forget your severed snake head)

Valliant does some more glaring. His cloak is v. long

Gaius extracts some poison from the dead snake's head.

MERLIN I'm gonna go tell Arthur now

GAIUS Kks. Don't forget your snake's head :)

X – Arthur's chambers (Ooo, nice)

Arthur doesn't think Merlin haz teh skillz to chop of a dead snakey head

MERLIN It was VALLIANT!

ARTHUR Merlin, if I believed you right now then this entire episode would be ruined. Now go polish something

MERLIN But I haz PROOF!

ARTHUR Yes, there is a dead snakey head on my table. But I still don't believe you

MERLIN *facepalm*

Ooo, I just paused it on a frame of Bradley James look supremely sexy and sarcastic... I might bhave to stare at him for a bit... Done. Back to the review.

Merlin promises Arthur that he wouldn't lie to him. And Arthur changes his mind! And it's so lovely and sincere that I find myself unable to parody it *basks in loveliness of the scene*

OMGS! THERE IS A SNAKE WATCHING THEM! OH NOES!

XI – Snakey death is painful and everyone in Camelot is a dimwit

Uther and Valliant in long flappy cloaks, red and yellow (and pink and green, orange and purple and blue. I can see a rainbow etc.)

Arthur and Merlin look at Valliant all suspiciously

Meanwhile, Dying!Knight has become NoLongerDying!Knight

NLD!KNIGHT There was a snake on his shield

GAIUS You don't say...

Gaius leaves to find herbs and shit. NLD!Knight lies there looking queasy... HOLY CRAP IT'S THAT EBIL SNAKE! COME BACK GAIUS! COME BAAAAACK! The snake manages to get halfway up Queasy!Knight's bed UNDER THE COVERS with him only becoming a little suspicious. Maybe it's cause he's so queasy.

SNAKE Hiss (translation: Hi)

QUEASY!KNIGHT Oh shit

SNAKE HISS! (translation: Die, bitch)

QUEASY!KNIGHT *closeupdeath*

Uther and his flappy red cloak are not happy

ARTHUR Valliant is a dirty rotten cheat

MORGANA AND GWEN Teh heck?

VALLIANT Arthur is a cowardly liar

UTHER Seeing as I trust the word of a glaring knight in a flappy yellow cloak more than that of my own son I am going to sceptically ask you for proof

MERLIN I has snakey head of doom

VALLIANT *deathglare*

Meanwhile, it has taken Gaius a while to realise that his patient is slumped in a rather dead way on the bed

GAIUS Holy crap!

DEAD!KNIGHT *is dead*

In the hall again, Arthur is v. protective over his father. He's ready in case the snakes attack. Aww, lovely Arthur.

SHEILD *does nothing*

VALLIANT Ha ha, sucker

SENSIBLE!ARTHUR He isn't going to make the snakes come to life in front of you lot

UTHER Then I do not believe you, despite the fact that you have shown me the dead snake head.

Uther can be such a dimwit. And Valliant is a suck up, saying that Merlin is stupid and Arthur is a coward (only in slightly more polite language) GAIUS YOU TWIT, TELL THEM THAT DEAD!KNIGHT IS DEAD! And because Uther is being a dimwit he practically insults his son in front of all his knights. Poor Arthur. Merlin and Valliant exchange deathglares. Gaius is still being infuriatingly quiet. It is official, Camelot has been struck by the dimwit virus.

XII – The scene that is impossible to parody

Arthur is not happy. Merlin is sad. I am also sad because this is a v. emotional scene. Basically Arthur sacks Merlin then sits and broods angrily to sad music. And the only thing I can think of in this scene that is remotely funny is the fact that Arthur's coat/cloak looks a bit like a dressing gown

XIII – The Dragon's Cave of Slash

Merlin decides to go visit Sparky, the Great Slash Dragon, because that is a v. good way to drown his sorrows (sarcastically and metaphorically speaking)

COLIN MORGAN *accent slip* YOU'VE GOT THE WRONG PERSON *accent slip ends*

GSD *is nowhere*

MERLIN Screw you

At this moment, Sparky decides to show himself. And uses enough hinty language to make anyone's brain explode

GSD A half cannot hate what makes it whole

MERLIN Just what I needed. More (slashy hints) riddles

GSD Your and Arthur's path lie together

MERLIN *fingers in ears* Lalalalala, I'm not listening, lalalalala

GSD Fine. Be in denial, it's more fun that way *flies off*

MERLIN ... Screw you?

XIV – The stairs of sulking

Merlin is sitting on some stairs... Sulking

GWEN Hello, Merlin

She sounds far too seductive for Saturday primetime television. But she is more easily convinced about Valliant than either Gaius, Arthur or Uther, so that's alright.

GWEN What are you gonna do?

MERLIN I dunno... Sit here and sulk, I guess

Ah, but Gwen's having none of that. Good on her. Then Merlin spots a statue.

MERLIN *inspiration flash*

I love Gwen's total "wtf are you doing?" face when Merlin's trying to shift that dog statue. Gaius does it too *lols for a bit*

Ah, Merlin is gonna do teh magics. So, because this is the episode of montaging till our eyes fall out, we have a "Merlin tries and fails to bring the dog statue to life montage" and... hang on, that's not Merlin... That's Arthur falling over and dying and Valliant stabbing him...

MORGANA *wakes up* HOLY SHIT!

Then she watches Arthur do some sword twirling in the courtyard whilst looking worried.

Meanwhile, Merlin is still failing to do his magic thing. So he goes to see Arthur, who is being a total idiot because he thinks dying is better than being a coward. Merlin is not happy. He actually looks find of ashamed... I shall have to stop all this emotional stuff before my brain deflates. So thus we skip to...

XV – The (Third task) Tournament Final (hey, I though of a new amusing Harry Potter reference! *is happy*)

Merlin has been up all night trying to cast his spell, because no matter what Arthur might say he doesn't want him to die. Valliant is busy sharpening his sword in a threatening way. Arthur is staring a lot. Morgana is wearing a blue dress with a very long train and wants to help Arthur with his armour

ARTHUR/MORGANA SHIPPERS W00t!

Morgana has also picked up the "not say important things" virus that Gaius had earlier, because she doesn't tell him about her dream-of-doom, just tells him to be careful *shrugs*

I think I might want her hair as well as her dress

Slo-mo Arthur walking and people clapping. Gwen appears to be eating her own hands. Valliant and Arthur do a sort of sword hi-five before preparing to fight. Morgana's ferret is back and has sprouted over the rest of her neck and shoulders.

Meanwhile, Merlin gets woken up by a large slobbering dog, which he leaves Gaius to deal with because he has some sexy princely ass to save.

Arthur and Valliant fight, montagely. Uther looks like he wants to jump into the ring and glomp them both. Gwen looks quite frankly terrified. Arthur then knocks off Valliant's helmet, then takes off his own, cause he's fair like that. Plus, we want to use the proper actors and not just body doubles for the important shiz. The music has a four beat rhythm... is Valliant the Master in disguise *beats head against wall* Shut up, brain! Arthur gets well and truly 'pwned and the sand gets a stabbing. But cause Arthur is cool, he can fight Valliant even when he is on the floor. Valliant looks a bit crazy now. He is preparing for some snakey death. And Merlin chooses this, the last possible moment, to unleash some kickass magic.

MERLIN *does magic shiz*

SNAKE#1 Hiss!

SNAKE#2 Hiss!

SNAKE#3 *is dead somewhere*

UTHER AND REST OF CROWD HOLY SHIT!

VALLIANT Crapness. Well, kill Arthur anyway

SNAKES *go on a prince-hunt*

MORGANA Arthur, catch this random sword *throws sword badassly*

ARTHUR *doublesnakeheadchop*

VALLIANT Double crapness

ARTHUR *stomachstab*

VALLIANT *dies*

The crowd goes bananas. Gwen looks like she might faint from relief. Merlin is v. happy.

XVI – The feast of happiness

Uther makes yet another speech and pretends he didn't insult Arthur in front of all his knights earlier in the episode. Arthur attempts to flirt with Morgana.

MORGANA If I didn't throw you that sword you would have died. Ha ha. And you are so proud I wish Valliant was escorting me

ARTHUR I wish that too, cause then I wouldn't have to listen to you

MORGANA Fine

ARTHUR Fine

One word Arthur. 'Pwned.

So Arthur goes off complaining to Merlin, of course :) Which means that he has just un-fired Merlin. Yay!

MERLIN Buy me a drink, we'll call it even

Meanwhile, at the Merthur shippers fanclub...

HUNITH So, what happened this time?

GAIUS Merlin asked Arthur out on a date to buy him a drink

MERTHUR SHIPPERS FANCLUB W00t! DESTINY!

*they all clink their glasses of cola*

NEXT TIME

Caves! Dead people with blue skin! A woman looking creepily into water... HOLY SHIZ, IT'S LADY CHRISTINA DE SOUZA FROM 'PLANET OF THE DEAD'!

See ya :)

(Yes, I know Michelle Ryan was in Merlin before she was in Doctor Who, but allow me my humour, k?)