Disclaimer: I do not own Shingeki no Kyojin/Attack on Titan, its plot, or its characters, and am in no way affiliated with its creation. That honor belongs to Hajime Isayama, who rightfully deserves it. If I did own SnK, I wouldn't need to write this backstory as a fanfic. I also don't own the song Little Talks that I made a slight reference to; that belongs to the band Of Monsters and Men.
A/N: So, as you can see, I did decide to turn this into a multi-chaptered fic. And I am so sorry it took so long to get this update out! It's been a pretty hectic month. I had writer's block at first (which, thanks to the help of tumblr blog Ehren-Jaegger, was resolved), and now I have my vacation, staying in a cottage, where it was hard to squeeze in time to finish writing and editing. For a few days, I also almost lost everything I saved for this story, but I (thankfully!) managed to fix that.
Schools starts for me soon, as well, which will make updating not so frequent. I tend to write long chapters, too, which doesn't really help. I'm hoping that at best, I might update this three times a month, and at worst, a little over once a month. So, don't think I'll abandon this fanfic. I strongly intend to see this one to its end.
Now, I really, really, really appreciate all of the people who took time to read this and review it, follow it, favourite it, or even all three. Thank you so, so much. You guys are too much! ;~; I don't know if I would have bothered to trudge through the second chapter without all of your kind feedback. I hope to see more of your comments in the future! They really kept me going.
I should shut up already, but I wanted to note that while writing this, I listened to a lot of music, and in particular I would like to mention the namesake for this chapter. Little Talks is such a catchy song, but when you listen closer it has so much meaning. I am aware of the song's original meaning, but when I dug through the lyrics I saw LeviHan. I don't know, I just feel like the song could describe their struggle together as soldiers, and specifically their relationship. Maybe if you twists around the lyrics like I did, you might see it, too. I dunno, it just seemed to click for me.
Anyway, I hope you enjoy, despite the long wait!
"There's an old voice in my head that's holding me back."
"Well, tell her that I miss our little talks."
- Little Talks, Of Monsters and Men
Levi and Hange entered their shared hospital room single file, each of them contributing to the silence between them. Both trainees had a lot on their minds, and were rather content to leave the other to their thoughts.
Already dressed in her hospital gown, Hange threw herself onto her bed stomach-first, quite literally falling asleep once her head hit the pillow. They were to share a room, because the hospital was currently widely occupied by soldiers of the Recon Corps, the survivors of their last mission still recuperating. But Levi's fellow trainee seemed to have made herself right at home.
Levi himself let a long, soundless sigh escape him as he heard Hange's loud breathing grate against her throat into a string of snores. He sat down on his bed more carefully, swinging his legs over onto the mattress and stretching his body out.
The night was quiet, save Hange's sleep-sounds; the whispers of the wind exhaling against the shut window, accompanied by the small chirps of crickets and the hushed rustle of tree leaves, all creating an organic medley of Mother Nature's fruition. The outside world held an immensely calming effect for the boy.
He had just endured a long two hours of lecturing from Erwin coupled with having his wounds tended to by a doctor (which, the latter of the two had informed him that his pinky was narrowly fractured). If his physical combat with Hange hadn't drained the energy from him enough, his mental preparedness had been given another blow, wearing him out due to Erwin's scolding.
He realized he'd made a mistake. Levi was still utterly confounded as to his inner reasoning for his sparring with Hange. The only way he'd managed to escape inevitable confinement in jail for his former wrongs was because of this second chance, awarded to him by Squad Leader Erwin. Hange had gotten off easy; she just received minor reprimands for losing her head. But Levi was the one asked to stay behind after she'd left the room - because Levi had had faith put into him, and then he went off and agreed to this petty squabble. What kind of soldier would that make him? How could Commander Shadis trust him not to make similar mistakes on the battlefield - mistakes that were far more costly than a simple bruise between two comrades?
Levi could have told him why. In his opinion, it was better that Hange had gotten her emotions sorted out and her personal opinions off her chest, lest she made a reckless Scout with all her anger pent up like that. But he wouldn't dare talk back to Erwin, the man that saved him from getting put behind bars. He knew that he was a good judge of character. It was better this way, anyway, playing it safe and accepting orders, like a good pawn, as much as it sometimes may have irritated him. At least, Levi figured it was.
But almost worst of all, he never did get the chance to finish cleaning. He had been ushered to the hospital immediately following the lecture. The mere thought of it made him twitch. He would complete the task tomorrow.
In any case, now he was exhausted, his head hurt, his body ached all over, and he just wanted a good rest. He would have to sleep here for three nights, as a precaution for healing, so perhaps he could make a good start on the first. This was still unlikely, as he never slept particularly well, and because he was easily awakened, Hange's snoring would probably keep him up for an hour at the least.
There's not much that can be done about that.
Levi rolled onto his side, pulling the blankets over him. He made sure to carefully lower his sore cheek into the soft pillow, and breathed deeply once he'd cushioned it to his liking. His eyes fluttered shut, willing himself into a gentle (if he hoped) slumber.
Levi surrendered himself to the pitch black beneath his eyelids. He felt tired enough that dreams should have not disturbed his subconsciousness. With his limbs adjusted suitably across the mattress and his mind cleared, he was prepared to be lulled to sleep.
His thoughts whirled around his head for a couple of minutes, slowing to an eased drift, before finally he forgot himself and relaxed into his usual half-sleep.
What...a...troublesome day.
Hours into the night, a bang jolted Levi out of his partly-conscious state.
Instinctively, the boy's eyes shot open, using them to scan the room. It was in his nature to be on guard, even in sleep, because most of his life had played out like this. So in three seconds he was up an' at 'em, on his feet and ready to brawl. The noise sounded again, somewhere in the room.
Being the only other occupant, Levi's gaze fell on the still form of Hange, her chest rising and falling erratically. Had the sound come from her? It wasn't unthinkable.
"Oi, Shitty Glasses, are you awake?" he asked.
No response.
Levi grumbled a few choice words under his breath. Perhaps his background as a worthless thug had hindered him in this instance, making him feel paranoid. Still, he didn't usually hear things that weren't real.
Not lowering his guard, the boy returned to his sheets in a seated position, ears open for any more bumps in the night. He kept his legs crossed in front of him, peering around the room; watching and waiting.
With his back pressed up against the wall, he thought he might be comfortable enough to ease back into a restful state, so long he had one eye cracked, of course. No such luck, unfortunately.
A continuous rustle of blankets started up, and Levi was once again wide awake. The sound had definitely derived from Hange this time around. He fixed his narrowed eyes on her position, wondering if she'd finally woken up herself. But then an obnoxious snore rose up through her parted lips, and his suspicions were denied.
And suddenly, another strong thud. Levi squinted. It appeared as though Hange were kicking the wall next to her bed. Her figure kept thrashing around under her sheets, as well, tossing and turning in vicious circles, like she was grappling with someone - or something.
Levi released a deep breath. The other trainee, he realized, was acting out her dreams. From the look of things, it must have been a pretty nasty nightmare, too.
Can't a guy get some rest without some bratty glasses girl fucking it up? What kind of wild dream is she having? It looks like she's having a fucking seizure.
Vaguely, the boy pondered the thought of leaving the girl be, just try to block her out somehow and sleep. He dismissed the thought, however. For one, he could barely fall asleep even despite silence, and for another, the girl was probably going to wind up injuring herself. At any moment she could roll off her bed or open up the barely healing cuts on her fists by punching the wall further.
It was troublesome, but it seemed as though he was going to have to help her.
Levi pushed off from his bed and walked across the room to her bedside, his bare feet making sticky patters on the wooden floorboards with every step. Hange continued to kick the wall vigorously, her arms flailing over her head. It was ironic that she was still snoring, although the snores had turned into snorts somewhere along the way, her intakes of breath much quicker than before. And she was also still wearing her glasses; Levi internally cringed, because the lenses had gotten smudged in her struggle.
Under regular circumstances, the boy might have chuckled a bit at Hange's unconscious antics. But after a closer peer at her face, she was sweating considerably, and her face was devoid of all colour. In addition, she had her eyebrows furrowed, her mouth parted wide, as if she were inaudibly screaming. Levi sighed, his right hand raising up to pinch the bridge of his nose. Clearly, she hadn't yet expelled all of her inner demons.
"Hey, Four Eyes," the shorter trainee hissed.
Her movements did not falter.
"Wake up," he tried again.
But she merely caught her pillow into what he could only presume to be a headlock, shoving her fist into the soft cushion repeatedly. Levi scowled. His patience was wearing thin.
"Fucking hell, Hange, wake the - "
Unfortunately, when he reached out a hand to shake her shoulder, her unexpected reaction had him tumbling backward onto the floor, her kick agitating a dark bruise on his stomach. Hange cried out like a victorious soldier as she shook her head.
Levi stared at her through narrowed eyes, not the least bit amused. She became still all of a sudden, so Levi suspected that she might have been roused.
Alas, she had not.
Oh. My. Fucking...
Levi nursed the ache on his stomach with a gentle hand, face dark while he turned to leave the room, Hange having resumed her violent tussle.
Desperate times called for desperate measures.
Several minutes had soon passed when Levi reemerged from the hallway, armed with a broomstick and a glower. Not an easy riser, eh? he thought.
Levi stalked over to the side of Hange's bed. Her covers were now strewn haphazardly across the floor, forgotten, whilst she battled ferociously on the mattress. The boy wasted no time for hesitation, harshly poking her in the shoulder with the bristled end of his broom. She countered instantly, spinning around to grab the bundle of straw in her arms. It escalated into a game of tug-of-war fast, but Levi had the advantage that he was consciously aware of it. He yanked his end of the broom, his upper body strength rewarding him as she fell to the floor.
Then there was silence.
"Awake yet?" he asked. A muffled groan from Hange was his reply. With great reluctance she picked her head off the ground and rolled onto her back, hands grasped to her stomach. Her eyelids hesitated a little before popping open. The girl blinked up at him blearily, an awe-struck expression on her face.
"Le...vi? What...what are you doing here?" Levi dully returned her gaze.
"We share a hospital room," he reminded her. "I'm supposed to be-"
"Ah!" Hange interrupted him. She leaped to her feet, a little wobbly, but she righted herself by latching her fingers onto his shoulders. "Where are they?" she questioned, tone serious.
The shorter trainee's frown deepened. "Where are who?" She looked irritated by his confusion.
"Them!" she hissed, gesturing to the ceiling with one hand. She brought that hand back to grip his shoulder again. "The titans!" Levi blinked at her. He couldn't say he was surprised that her thoughts had taken her there, but absentmindedly he was dumbfounded as to what purpose a headlock would serve against a creature that large.
"There are no titans here, Shitty Glasses," he whispered. Hange growled.
"Don't play stupid with me now, Levi! Where are they? What happened?" She gave him a couple rough shakes that unbalanced him a little.
"Outside the wall where they are supposed to be, and you obviously had a nightmare," he told her, removing her hands. This was Levi's undoing, because she simply grabbed hold of his hands instead, studying his face with wide eyes, like she could not comprehend that he was speaking honestly. His eyes narrowed further, assuming it was even possible at this point.
"You were having a dream," he emphasized, leaning into her face. "You were asleep. Not soundly asleep, I might add, but still asleep." Hange blinked once more, and Levi took her puzzled state to pull himself away from her. He rubbed his temples, beginning a mental mantra that would aid the prevention of him punching her in the head.
"Then..." she continued, plopping back onto her bed, "what are you doing here?" She gave him a quizzical glance. Levi sighed.
"As I said before, I–"
"Because, you know, isn't it rude – " she yawned, cutting him off, " – to waltz up to a person's bed in the middle of the night and watch them sleep?"
Levi's eyes twitched.
"You know," he mimicked, "isn't it socially unacceptable to make noises that disturb peoples' sleep in the middle of the night, then accuse them of being a pervert when they get up to complain?" Hange screwed up her face.
"I was making noises?" The shorter trainer found himself in a quick development of the sudden urge to bash his head against the wall. However, he resisted this urge.
"When I woke up, you were lashing about on the bed like an animal and snoring like an old man. Also, you kept having an aggressive fistfight with the wall. I couldn't possibly go to sleep."
Hange's mouth formed a small 'o.' A nervous chuckle worked itself up from her throat.
"Ah...then...sorry for keeping you up," she said as she scratched her neck. "I'll try to..." But she couldn't think of anything to promise, so she simply regarded him with a dubious expression, shrugging. Levi scoffed at her.
"You look like shit," he remarked. She didn't bat an eye at him.
"Yeah?" she said. "Well, I suppose I certainly feel like 'shit.'" Hange surveyed his own appearance for a moment. "You don't exactly look very well-rested yourself." Levi lifted a shoulder, dismissing her comment.
Their conversation eventually halted in a long pause, and they stared at one another, unsure of what to say. Levi mentally debated whether he could just say 'goodnight,' but that wouldn't solve anything. She would just fall asleep, dark imagery still clouding her head, inevitably leading her into a second nightmare, and the process would repeat.
But he didn't know her well. It wasn't in his place to discuss her innermost fears, for he felt they cut far deeper than a sheer loathing of man-feasting monsters. Anyway, sometimes discussing it only stirred up these emotions. She needed to forget about them. That was his promise to her, after all - to ensure that she didn't let her feelings become a hindrance at crucial moments.
Levi dragged a hand over his face, sweeping his gaze around the room. Opposite him, Hange's eyes remained fixated with a small scratch on the ceiling. Levi noticed it, too; in fact he just about surmised their surroundings in one spoken sentence.
"This place is dirty as shit." Hange finally glanced at him, a corner of her mouth turning upward slightly.
"I suppose you want to clean it, then?" she teased. Levi met her eyes, facial features shifting into a stern expression, genuinely taking her question into consideration.
"I might as well. Not like I'm gonna get any sleep with you here, anyway."
"You do have a broom," Hange commented, flicking her gaze in the object's direction. Levi shook his head, eyeing the broom with a critical glare.
"I'm talking heavy duty scrubbing. The excuse of a hospital room this is is fucking pitiful." The girl pursed her lips.
"Our injuries aren't that bad, and this room is mostly a spare, since all of the other rooms are used up," she reasoned. Levi snorted.
"Who's to say we can't catch something in here? A disease, an infection, or some other screwed up shit. Are you trying to tell me you want any of that?" Hange giggled at him, but Levi wasn't anywhere near messing around. Soon enough, he got up and left again, the bespectacled trainee looking after him in amusement.
Levi made quick strides through the hallway to the janitor's closet he'd opened up earlier. From the state of it, the storage room itself hadn't been taken care of in a good couple of weeks. Dust particles littered the shelves, mildew cultivating in the upper corners, where water had leaked in through cracks in the ceiling, and cobwebs hung on the walls like finely woven banners. Disgusting, the petite boy mused as he sifted through the filth for a bucket and a sponge, his nose scrunched up against the stench.
He returned to the room after an approximated fifteen minutes spent thoroughly disinfecting his cleaning tools, the metal bucket filled to the brim with scalding hot water and soap. Hange, still perched at the edge of her bed, was biting her lip, attempting not to crack a smile at his obsessive behaviour, but failing miserably. Levi set down the bucket with impossible precision and swiftness. It made a loud thump against the floor.
"Is there something funny about this situation, Shitty Glasses?" He noticed her staring bluntly at his mouth and neck, which were shielded by a white handkerchief, then switching her gaze to the pink floral-patterned bandanna wrapped around his head. She quit trying to restrain herself, so she released her bottom lip and laughed openly.
"Not...not at all, Levi," she forced out, heaving large breaths in the pauses between her cackles. Levi slit his eyes at her, irritated by her reaction. So at the end of his search for head protection, he'd only managed to find these two cloths; that wasn't his fault. There had been nothing else available at the time. Was he supposed to ignore a perfectly functional, clean pair of smocks, just for their appearance?
"Do you have a problem with my head wear?" he asked coldly. She grinned at him, using her hands to remove her weight from her bed. The brunette approached him carefully, examining him with deliberating eyes. She stopped a couple of inches in front of him and bent her knees to meet his height. He continued to glare at her, their eyes locked, his hostile and hers curious, him increasingly annoyed. Finally, she squeezed her eyes shut, her mouth spreading wider from ear to ear as she placed a hand on his head, giving it a pat.
"I think it's a good look for you," she replied. "It balances out your edginess. Cute." Levi felt a growl forming in his throat.
"Tch, flattering." He clamped his hand over her wrist and took her hand off of his head.
Hange's laughter made a reappearance as he turned away to pull on a white pair of gloves. She was apparently a rather animated person when entertained; she kept slapping her thighs with each giggle, keeled over and everything. She also seemed to be the type of person that snorted when they laughed. Levi wasn't convinced whether he should chuckle or feel mildly repulsed. Then again, that happened to be a recurring pattern in his interactions with the girl, as few as they may have been.
"Keep laughing, Bloody Specs," he said tartly. And she did, actually. So, while she busied herself attempting to regain her breath, he decided to get to work.
Levi dragged the full bucket to a corner of the room. He then dunked the sponge in it and got down on his knees to start scraping it over the wall.
Behind him, Hange had sat herself back on the end of her mattress. He felt her gaze practically burning into the back of his head, observing him with great intent. After a little of his cleaning and a little more of her staring, he dropped his sponge and slowly turned to look at her over his shoulder. She didn't avert her gaze. In fact, it was as though her intrigue had peaked, for Hange beamed at him, waving her hand.
Levi's shoulders sank. He sighed.
"What exactly interests you, Shitty Glasses?" he queried.
"Oh, many things," she replied, eyes still wide and wondering. Levi smacked his forehead. Did he really have to spell it out for her?
"I mean," he rephrased, "what is so interesting about me, right now?" This seemed to clarify things; she gave him a nod of understanding.
"I'm thinking of the potential origins for your obsession with cleanliness," she stated. "There must be some sort of psychology behind it." Levi blinked at her.
"Really, now?" he said with mock curiosity. He faced the wall again, allowing her to continue, but still decidedly indifferent as he resumed his cleaning.
"Yes," she replied. From the boisterous tone her voice now acquired, the topic was a cause for excitement within her. "To your knowledge, when did you first develop the urge to clean?" Levi knit his eyebrows together, lips thinned.
"I don't know, a couple of years ago?" he grunted, shaking his head. Hange, however, was not satisfied by his generalization.
"Can you be more specific?" she insisted. Levi felt a shudder of annoyance pass through him.
"What the hell does it matter?" he hissed, whirling around. Her questions admittedly weren't all that intrusive, but Levi wasn't fond of how freakishly curious she seemed all of a sudden. He'd grown a bit accustomed to her loud, eccentric, melodramatic traits, as well as her darker, brooding, hateful undercurrents. But he had not noticed any implications to suggest that she could be this prying. Her other flaring characteristics and mannerisms were enough of a hassle as they were.
Hange's own eyebrows furrowed at his response. It was unfortunate that his slight anger didn't deter her from pursuing the subject.
"Levi, my analysis won't be accurate if you don't provide me with the details."
Analysis?
"What are you, some kinda quack doctor?" Levi puffed.
"I'd like to think of it more like acting scientist," she retorted. The boy grit his teeth. Great, on top of everything else, you're a fucking know-it-all, he thought.
"Are all scientists such a bother or are you one of their special ones?" From the way her face twitched, Hange looked a little offended. Good. Maybe she'll shut up.
"How else would scientists learn anything if not by asking lots of questions?" Guess not. Levi sighed. He couldn't comprehend what her deal was. Maybe the late hour was making her hysterical. Either that, or she desperately wished to distract herself from the fragments of her dreams lingering in her thoughts.
Levi didn't look at her, he just kept scrubbing a particularly stubborn portion of the wall, but he decided to offer an explanation.
"I don't remember when exactly," he murmured. "But I realized the world is a filthy place. If only in a weird, twisted way, I thought it would be nice to clean it up." And I was sick of how 'red' my hands were back then...
He took her silence as her time to mull this over. At this point, he remembered her rank in the top ten, and wondered if her being so nosy had earned her top scores for intelligence. It was quite possible. Something he learned during their hand-to-hand combat was that her moves were very creative, and considerably flexible to changes in his tactics. They were executed with precision, yes, but also with a basis of scrutiny and interpretation. Pair that with her inquisitiveness, and it all made sense. She appeared to be fairly clever.
Hange had a grave expression on her face. Levi discerned that she might have taken his slightly cryptic words to heart, and was a bit concerned whether it had triggered some of her grim, buried emotions. He decided to take the weight off of their conversation, in favor of a lighter chat.
"What were your scores during the final written exams, Four Eyes?" he asked. He was currently crab walking to the next section of the wall, watching the grime fade away with each scrape of his sponge.
"Huh?" Hange blurted out, startled. "Oh, well..." She tapped her chin. "On the first two exams I got a 98, and the last I got a 99. Ah, I made a stupid mistake on the last one. The first and second I missed a question - I was pretty caught up on one of the long answers - so I lost marks on them, too..."
Levi raised an eyebrow. She was still smarter than he predicted. Scatterbrained, yet smart nevertheless. Of course, he himself wasn't an idiot. He was never an academic, but he had good intuition and practical skills. He'd gotten a decent mark during testing, although it was mostly his skills on the maneuver gear during practice that bumped him up to the top.
"I see," he replied.
"Say, Levi," Hange said, changing the subject. He lifted his head in acknowledgment. "I noticed that you missed the top corner, there. Why?"
Levi stiffened. Is she...? Was she mocking him, now? He didn't peg her as one of "those" people. It was true that she mentioned his stature upon their first meeting, but she'd been more worked up at the time. He didn't care anymore if she questioned him, but she must have been pretty bold to think she could start being a jackass.
No matter; he wasn't going to dignify her with a response. He merely shot her a glare over his shoulder.
Hange looked oddly confused by this, which continued to aggravate him. She had proven thus far to not understand when she was stomping over uncharted territory, and it was quickly becoming one of the things he disliked about her. Even more brazen, she stood up and made her way over to him, grabbing his sponge and stretching herself up to the ceiling, leaning onto the tips of hers toes as she roughly cleansed the top of the wall - where Levi could not reach. When she was finished, she beamed at him, placing the sponge back in his still-open palm.
The boy narrowed his eyes. He wished his soap were effective in wiping stupid grins off of stupid faces.
"What the hell was that?" he demanded. She frowned, eyes reflecting her cluelessness.
"I helped you," she replied. "Was that wrong of me?" It was Levi's turn to frown.
"No." Did she seriously not get it?
"There's nothing to be ashamed of, Levi." Nope, she got it. Levi sighed, massaging his temples with two fingers. She rested a gentle hand on his shoulder and glanced knowingly at his face. "So you can't reach tall places. Just use a step-ladder. Or I could pick you up, if you prefer." Levi's scowl deepened.
"That won't be necessary," he said coolly. But Hange still donned that annoying air of confusion. How dense can she be? Was she teasing him? She looked honest enough. So was she being genuinely aware of his height, with no jokes attached?
"Levi, do you have 'Little Man Syndrome?'" No, she is definitely shitting me.
If looks could kill, Levi's eyes would have pierced the brunette clean through her own.
"Excuse me?" he spat.
"Ah, Mike suggested it." Of course he did. "It sparked a great discussion among the other trainees." Levi crossed his arms, arching a brow in her direction. Her eyes were wide behind her white-framed goggles.
"Oh?" Levi asked, a hint of bitter curiosity in his tone. Hange nodded. "And what did they say?"
"They were betting that you wouldn't try to get anything from a top shelf until nobody else was around, so you could use the step-ladder without getting made fun of. And also, they were questioning the exact specifications of your height. Mike guessed that you wear padding in your boots to give you an extra inch, and the lowest that people bet was that you're actually 152 cm."
Levi's body trembled against the surge of angry tension in his muscles. Assholes. All of them.
"And what was your bet, Shitty Glasses?" Hange stared at him blankly.
"I don't make bets, but I took their hypotheses into consideration. I like finding things out for myself, you know? I figured 152 was a bit of a stretch, though, to be honest. But, what is it, Levi? Do you do any of those things?"
"I don't have 'Little Man Syndrome,' or whatever those fucks said. They should quit dicking around and mind their own damned business. Same goes for you, Shitty Glasses." The brunette pursed her lips. Levi doubted that she caught any of the dripping venom in his voice.
"You don't need to feel insecure," she chided. "You're a league ahead of all of us, and they're all scared of you, anyway."
"Whoever said I was insecure? I already know I don't have to worry about those shits. It'd just be more pleasant if they quit being such assholes." Levi stepped aside from her, moving onto the next part of the wall. He could hear her feet inching after him, thus the stony expression he wore never retreated.
"You're actually kind of a loner, huh?" she asked. He felt like throwing her another death glare, but when he turned to look at her, he could tell that she was just being innocently oblivious, yet again. He wasn't sure if he could manage this strange habit of hers.
"You'll find it easier, that way," he replied. She lifted both eyebrows at him, searching for a further elaboration. He sighed and set down his sponge to see her fully. "It'll be less painful when you're forced to watch your comrades die. Not by much, but enough to keep you functional during battle." He hadn't intended it this way, but somehow their loopy midnight banter had descended into a foreboding finality. So much for distracting Hange from her dreams; if he had to make his own wager, it was that their contents had concerned much of their past conversation.
Hange settled herself down into a squat, her hands grasped in front of her as her gaze fell to the ground.
"But it would get depressing, not having any memories of the people around you, besides the details of their death. Maybe I am a fool, but I'd rather have something to keep in mind, to keep people alive in my thoughts for as long as I live. Even if they die, I want to remember their values, to help me push forward for a better future. That doesn't sound wrong, does it?"
Their eyes met at this, not quite able to read past the others thoughtful mask.
"Just...do what you know you won't regret," Levi told her. Hange smiled half-heartedly.
"There's no way you can truly know that, is there?" The boy stared at her, but he didn't offer any other response. Hange chuckled. "Well," she went on, clapping his shoulder, "I'll always remember you as the guy who stayed up cleaning when he couldn't get to sleep."
"And I'll remember you as the girl who snores and wears her glasses when she sleeps," Levi scoffed. Hange's mouth gaped.
"Oh, I forgot about these!" she exclaimed, tugging the elastic band of her goggles off of her brown-haired head. She gazed at them in amazement. Levi chuckled dryly.
"Go to sleep, Four Eyes." Hange glanced up at him. Understanding that he was being sincere, she gave him a nod and got up to flop back over onto her bed, tossing her glasses beneath its frame.
Levi made certain that she had herself all settled under her blankets before he continued his task of cleaning. She whirled around a couple of times, no doubt to adjust her body to a comfortable position, until she let out a sigh of contentment.
"Hmmm, Levi?" she hummed.
"I thought you were going to sleep."
"You're not going to die, right?"
Levi raised his head.
"I haven't made any immediate plans."
"That's good to hear." Hange stretched her arms, yawning loudly. Levi watched as her eyes carefully fluttered shut. "I can't think of anyone else that can make that promise with as much honesty." The boy wiped his brow.
"Goodnight, Shitty Glasses."
"Goodnight, Levi."
This time around, Hange dreamed of freedom. Levi worked dutifully as she slept, before the extreme late hours of the night that bordered on the morning, when he too hit the hay. And he dreamed only in black.
"Erwin's speech was a scary wake-up call, huh?"
It was midway through their second night in the hospital, and Levi had moved on from the walls to the windows, polishing them until they sparkled, whilst Hange was leaned back against the foot of her bed, watching him, just talking about everything and nothing.
Levi didn't mind. She'd been worried about having another bad dream, so she hoped that by babbling on and on, she would distract herself and tire herself out. And when she derailed the conversation into her more quirky ramblings, he could put most of his focus on the dry spots staining the glass.
But this off-handed question captured his attention. He paused, averting his impassive gaze to the girl with glasses.
"He said what was required," he replied. "Those who aren't prepared for the risk of death don't belong on the front lines."
Today had been the ceremony of welcoming the rookie troops into their chosen positions. Due to their battered states, Erwin had gone to them personally to get Levi and Hange's decisions. It was more for Hange's sake, seeing as Levi had no say in which group he would be assigned to, but his speech had been a strong reminder to him as well. Levi had taken it easily; he understood his odds; it wouldn't matter either way. Chance the possibility of getting eaten by a titan, or rot in prison. Those were the choices specific to him.
Hange had been shaken only marginally. As expected, she gave Erwin a solid salute and an oath to perform to the best of her abilities, should it help mankind in their struggle. Erwin had openly regarded respect for her bravery, offered a stern glance to Levi, and then left.
Now the girl was resting her head on her shoulder, gazing off into a pictured distance. Her face looked peaceful with her eyes half-lidded.
"I guess that's true," she yawned. Levi nodded. They settled into a comfortable silence, broken solely by the sounds of scrubbing on Levi's part. Hange clucked her tongue, presumably in thought, when she spoke again.
"What were you up to today, Levi?"
During the day and since morning, each of them had split off to their own devices, seeing as they were only required to be present in the hospital at night because their injuries were very minor. Neither of them had spotted the other throughout their activities.
"I was cleaning the room from yesterday," he answered. "The wood in that floor was ruined, no thanks to Mike's ignorance." Hange giggled.
"I was hanging out with Mike, earlier. He thinks you're going to beat him up."
"And what made him think that?"
"I told him about me telling you that he made fun of your height. I also told him you now have it in for him. He's more scared than you'd think." A noise of derision hitched from the back of Levi's throat.
"I won't touch him, but let him think I will, if he's so afraid of me. Serves him right for gossiping." Hange began laughing again.
"You might not know this, but he has a keen sense of smell - like a dog man. Maybe he'll think he can sniff you out before you come and get him." She laughed harder when she noticed Levi's practically imperceptible smirk.
Overall, their second night in the hospital had been multitudes less severe than the first. It was filled with idle, friendly chatter that held little meaning for either of them, but did help Hange get through her hours of sleep, and Levi kill the time while he cleaned. They spoke of things (well, Hange did most of the speaking; Levi mainly listened and made small comments occasionally) like the other trainees and training in the Academy, steering clear of tougher subjects, such as their future and their pasts.
On this night, they both fell asleep, Hange on her bed and Levi on the floor, arm soaked in his bucket.
At last the third night arrived. The doctor tending to them had confirmed that their bruises were healing up nicely, but informed Levi to keep an eye on his broken finger and not remove its wrapping until two weeks from then, when he would check in at the hospital once more.
The past two full nights of Levi's presence in the room had deemed it spotless from floor to ceiling. He also insisted that Hange let him bring her sheets to the sink to wash them, after he'd been finished with his own. She agreed with him, but he sensed that it was to humour him. It didn't really matter; they were getting laundered whether she'd accepted or not.
With nothing else to scrub, Levi found himself aimlessly pacing the room in search of one last hidden cover of dust or blotchy stain, Hange sitting at the foot of her bed as usual.
She was uncharacteristically quiet, tonight. She seemed disclosed to their regular banter, more subdued. It was preferable to her tackling her pillow, but still considerably off. Levi turned to face her, studying her lost expression.
"Hey, Four Eyes. Not feeling chatty tonight?"
Now he was certain that something was troubling her. She didn't even spare a glance in his general direction. Her gaze remained fixed on an undetermined point on the ground. Levi sighed, opening his mouth to try again, but she cut him off.
"What do you think titans are like?"
Levi blinked. Hange hadn't brought anything so gruesome into their nightly discussions until now, so he was surprised. Although, this was their last night, and possibly the last time they would spend any measurable time together. It was unlikely that they would be placed in the same squad; Commander Shadis would want to spread his top tens as thinly as possible among each group, so that everyone would be provided with a skilled soldier as their aid. Maybe all of these mindless distractions and pointless talk had been her lead-up to asking the real questions.
The boy leaned against the wall.
"I know that they're a hell of a lot bigger than us, and can get bigger. I also know that they like to dine on human flesh." Hange shot him a glare.
"That's not what I meant," she snapped. "I meant, what do you think...what do you think it's like to fight them? Don't tell me it's like training, because we both know that that's not the case." A snort evaded Levi's impassive resolve.
"Like moving targets, only these will actually try to kill us." Hange was clearly not satisfied with this response. Levi narrowed his eyes at her. "What should I tell you? We'll find out soon enough."
"Are you afraid?"
Levi felt himself tense. Her voice was hushed and uncertain, just a small part wavering. The boy closed his eyes.
"Are you?" he countered calmly.
"You didn't answer my question."
"Neither did you mine."
Their gazes clashed, Hange's too impassioned, Levi's too frosty for either of them to relent. However, Levi understood quickly that the troublesome Four Eyes would shatter her glasses with the force of her stare before she let this go. He had to offer her a proper reply. So he exhaled sharply.
"You'd have to be a fucking extremely self-sacrificial idiot to say you're not even a little intimidated by the thought of going up against titans - beasts that devour people alive. But then you'd also have to be an idiot to let that fear choke you." In short, Levi admitted he wasn't worry-free. When Erwin had related to them the slim statistics for survival, the situation had definitely become a lot more real. He was merely human, after all, despite all of the things he'd experienced and the things he'd had to carry out.
Hange bobbed her head glumly.
"Yeah," she mumbled. "I don't feel so confident either." Levi sighed.
"Oi, Shitty Glasses," he grumbled. "There's a difference between being scared and not being confident. Combining the two is just a recipe for disaster." Hange regarded him with a quizzical expression. He sat back on his bed, rubbing his face with both hands and tracing the thick bags beneath his eyes. "Ugh, you're apparently smart as shit, but it looks like I'll have to spell this out for you. You need...to use your fear as an advantage." Hange perked up at this, her eyes twinkling in interest. Levi continued on.
"When you're afraid, all your senses are awake. You get this rush inside you. Now you can either let that take control over you, or you can channel it into doing what you need to do. But if you're not sure of yourself, even showing a second of hesitation, you're - " Levi twisted his foot against the floor, " - dead." He raised his eyebrows at her. Hange's own brows formed a crease in her forehead as she stared at the imaginary squashed bug under his toes. Then her facial features smoothed.
"It's that easy, huh?" she said, chuckling. "You sound like someone who's done this before."
"In a way," the boy grunted, casually avoiding her eyes. Hange squinted them at him in a skeptical gesture, but thankfully didn't press him for an explanation.
"Are you going to keep your promise?" she inquired instead. Her features were open and expectant. Levi's mouth tugged into such a faint smile, it could have been a grimace.
"I can't say I'm a guy of many oaths, but I can keep mine to you. Though, if you lose your head, just know that I won't be the only one smacking you in the face, and probably won't be the first." Hange's laughter reverberated around the room, hearty and genuine.
"You must think so little of me, Levi," she choked through her giggles. "Like I'm some sort of pest." Levi shot her a look.
"Did I make it that obvious?" he scoffed. Hange took his sharp comments in stride, laughing almost endlessly, as Levi watched her, a shredded glint of amusement in his narrow blue eyes.
"Well," Hange said, her cheeks taking the semblance of a chipmunk's whilst she took a large gulp of air, simmering down, "I doubt we'll even see each other after this, until our first mission, at least. So, I won't bother you for much longer - unless I see you, of course."
"Should I consider that a blessing?" The brunette stuck her tongue out at him, eyes crinkling up with her grin.
"You also made another promise to me," she remembered aloud, her voice sobering. Levi puffed out a breath.
"Don't spread me too thin, now."
"Don't die."
Levi pinched the bridge of his nose, a light, dry chuckle escaping him. Hange narrowed her brown eyes at him.
"You make it sound like we've been friends for years, or some married couple or something." The girl closed two fists around the wrinkles in her bed spread.
"I told you, already. You're the closest thing to someone I know that has a shot at surviving; you and Mike. I need at least two people to count on. I already know that many others might die, and it's probably selfish of me, but it wouldn't hurt to put my faith into the other top-ranking trainees. Us top three should have each others backs."
Levi considered her proposition. He was more than assured of his own skills, but titan territory was treacherous, titans themselves being highly unpredictable. It wouldn't endanger him to have an ally. He was aware of her capabilities as well; graduating from the Academy with the third spot could not have been a simple task. In addition, she was intelligent. A strategist would prove a suitable partner.
Yet, she was also a hot-blooded character. So, he would be forced to rely on her conditionally.
"Then you have a deal, Four Eyes," he said finally. Hange thinned her lips, studying him, still not appeased, even with his agreement.
"So you're not going to take any risks. You are going to live." Levi's intuition advised him that she was giving him an order, not merely digging for more confirmation. If he had been the reckless boy he was several years ago, he would have thought 'to hell with her.' He used to thrive on his impulses and his gut. But Levi knew she would have to feel at ease with him to trust him, and for him to return the favor. He could not predict with certainty how he would react to circumstances outside the walls, though he decided he should say so for Hange's sake.
"I will," he told her, looking her firmly in the eyes. Lying without remorse was another thing he'd picked up on the streets.
She held his gaze. Whether she bought his minor deceit or not was debatable.
"Good. I can sleep soundly tonight." Hange didn't give him any reason to suspect that she had read through his lie. Perhaps she was a practiced liar herself.
Regardless, the girl threw herself onto her empty mattress, forgetting that she'd have no blankets to cover herself with. She let out a contented breath as she snuggled her head into her pillow and slipped into sleep almost instantly.
Levi knew he couldn't ever sleep as lacking in regret as Hange. But then, by the time their first mission was out, he doubted any human being with even a fraction of a conscience would get any rest. Soon they would all share the trait of his dark eyelids and sleep-deprived alertness. He figured he would try anyway, so he sat down on his own bed and stared at the ceiling, musing over stupid things like the chips in the paint and exposed crevices in the concrete. He also tried to block out Hange's awful snores. And, after an estimated twenty minutes, his mind-numbing, distracting thoughts soothed him to typical half-awareness.
In the wee hours of the morning, Levi was the first to stir. He spared Hange's laying form a simple glance. She would likely awaken an hour later. His odd, quirk-riddled comrade. Levi's mouth twitched, and he sighed.
He couldn't stay. He would get dressed and get to cleaning the cafeteria before breakfast. And, within the next several days, the Recon rookies would pack their belongings and move to their new home in the Survey Corps headquarters.
"Tch."
A busy week to come.
A/N: Please remember to review, and tell me what you thought of this chapter. Your feedback motivates me more than you know.
Next chapter I'll be exploring Hange's POV. Levi is really difficult to write, so I'm hoping she will give me a break.