DISCLAIMER: Fanfiction, and thus, not mine.
"And then she said... ...nice patronus Dolohov!" Lucius Malfoy clapped his hands at his punch line and looked to Snape for approval, however, he received none.
"Hilarious." Droned Snape, hardly looking up from his breakfast. Even my eggs are funnier than this man... He proceeded to casually poke the yokes with his fork.
"Who was I kidding... you don't understand the concept of fun..." sighed Lucius rolling his eyes and flicking his long blond hair dramatically, "Even Bella laughed at that one..."
"Has it ever occurred to you that Bella is insane and is constantly laughing maniacally?"
"Has it ever occurred to you that... no... wait... you've got me there..." He looked around nervously to make sure Bella hadn't overheard. Luckily she was out of earshot, reproaching Yaxley for, what appeared to be, not using proper skin care lotions for the preservation of his dark mark.
There was silence for a moment, before Lucius spoke up again, "Say Severus... are you going to eat that bacon? Fenrir ate the rest, and I could really go for another few strips..." He poked the pieces in question with his fork, causing Severus to crinkle his nose in disgust.
"Take them..."
"Say... Severus..." A feminine voice whispered in his ear... and, if Severus had any hope left for this day, it was all gone now.
"The Dark Lord tells me the two of you have a secret mission planned..." Bellatrix LeStrange slipped into the vacant seat next to him at the Death Eaters Only breakfast table.
Lucius gulped and waved nervously while feigning a smile, "Morning Bella."
She ignored him, and Snape continued to ignore her, so she continued.
"And I want to know why he always choses you! You don't even show up to half the weekly meetings, or the planned events!"
"So Lucius, just how is Narcissa?" Severus took a large bite of egg and chewed slowly.
"DON'T change the subject! I mean, have you even once ironed his shirts?! Because I have! In fact I've even..."
Severus and Lucius exchanged pained looks and finally, after what seemed like a millennia, Bellatrix concluded her rant.
"And once I even tweezed his back hair for him! Have YOU done ANY of that stuff?"
Lucius gaged, "Er... no... and I'm not sure I want to."
"Congratulations Bella, by your standards the rest of us are clearly disloyal and only here because Dumbledore wouldn't have us..." Severus accompanied his statement with a slow applause. To which Bellatrix gave an almost dumbfounded look. And... that's when it happened...
"Drum roll, please!" bellowed a buttery slick voice. The hall full of death eaters looked up slightly confused as to what was happening.
"...I said..." sighed the voice now heavy with disappointment, "...drum roll, please!"
Dolohov raised a finger and inserted it into his nose. Rudolphous scratched his nether regions. Lucius wiped up a spot of drool and Severus made a mental note to stop attending the Death Eater Daily Breakfasts (even if they did significantly boost moral and give everyone a jump start to their day).
"For Merlin's sake! That means you numskulls give me a drum roll!" The voice was now quite exasperated.
Yaxley raised his hand.
"Yes Yaxley..." groaned the voice...
"We don't have any drums... How do we..."
The voice cut him off, "Bang on your knees, the table, the wall... I don't know... conjure a drum set... no wait... that's probably asking to much of you dunderheads..." The voiced paused as it reasoned with itself, "scratch the drum roll... just look shocked when I appear... you can handle that... right?"
The death eaters looked around cautiously, and gaining confidence from each others presence, they began to nod slowly.
"Good, now..."
POOOOOOOOOOOOF. There was a sudden flash of smoke and by magic... there stood the dark lord Voldemort, looking sharp in a hot pink blazer with a popped collar and a pair of ripped and bleached jeans that were WAY too tight.
Everyone blinked in unison.
"My lord! You look absolutely ravishing!" Exclaimed Bella.
"I know! Don't I?" He smiled and tried to look at his own butt without the help of a mirror.
Severus and Lucius resisted the urge to vomit at both the Dark Lord's outfit and Bella's comment, Lucius did, however, manage to force out his own, "My lord... your hiss! It's gone!"
"I knooooowww," Voldemort flicked his wrist, "I only use the Parsletongue accent because it sounds intimidating... but for tonight's activities it'd only be a hinderance. Anyways, I'm off for now, just wanted to show off the new outfit." He strutted flamboyantly towards the door, stopping on his way out to nudge Severus in the ribs, "You ready for our date tonight?" He winked trying to be inconspicuous then proceeded on his way out the door.
The room was silent for a few moments and everyone watched as Bellatrix's face slowly turned from pale white to a deep shade of red.
"THE DARK LORD... IS GOING ON A DATE... AND HE ASKED YOU INSTEAD OF ME?!"
"Bella darling you still have me!" Rodolphous attempted to put his arm around his wife but her heel came crashing down on his toes and he toppled over in pain.
Severus coughed, "The dark lord wished to bring a date to Dumbledore's Valentine's Day party and he has asked me to accompany him to a bar this evening, in hopes of picking up... chicks." He was disgusted with himself for the use of that word.
"But if the dark lord needed a date... why... why not ask me?" Her rage seemed to subside for a moment in place of genuine sadness.
"My love, I can be your V..." Started Rudolphous as he picked himself up of the floor... but Bella's rage promptly returned and this time it was his face and her elbow.
"You know Bella..." Lucius, who had previously been silent decided now was the perfect time to join the conversation, "you may be onto something... the dark lord needs a date and instead of asking me, the charming ladies man to help him get one... he asks Severus perma-virgin Snape. By the way Sev old boy... have you ever even had a girlfriend?"
And so Severus made another mental note to make new friends at the next possible opportunity (and to make sure they had I.Q's equal to or higher than his own).