A/N: Ok, so here's Act II, or if you like, Chapter 1. Unlike most of my fics, this one has very little foul language at the moment. That won't come until later. So, there's only really one warning I have for you. Because this is a blending of two groups of characters, there will be OOC. It's ok. It's fun. Oh, and I should probably tell you that Shikamaru (Vizzini) goes off the deep end.
Legal Stuffiness: I do not own Naruto, nor do I own The Princess Bride. This is written in respectful homage of both.
Enjoy.
Princess: A Parody.
The Players:
Montoya Sasuke: a Spaniard.
Vizzini Shikamaru: an evil genius, and Sicilian
Sakura: a farm girl, a princess
Fezzik Gai: a man of extraordinary strength and a talent for rhyming?
Orochimaru: a prince
Jiraya: a miracle man
Tsunade: the miracle man's wife
Tayuya: an albino henchwoman
Count Itachi: a Spaniard, with six fingers on his left hand
Naruto: a farmboy, a pirate, a hero
And various others.Act II: Inconceivable!
Four years passed, and the renoun of Sakura's beauty only grew. One day during the second of these four years, on her usual ride, she happened upon the royal hunting party. She, of course, did what any lowly peasant would. She moved off to the side of the dirt road, dismounted, and knelt in the grass by the roadside, eyes downcast. For a moment, it seemed as though they would pass her by, and she would continue her ride.
However, that was not to be. The group of riders came to a halt just before they reached her, and Sakura listened as they whispered amongst themselves. She heard a pair of feet approaching, and was told to stand. Obeying, she kept her eyes staring straight at the feet of the man in front of her. She could see that his boots were of a fine, soft leather, and that his cloak was made from the best wool. A gentleman.
"Well, I would say that this is that famous country beauty we've heard so much about, wouldn't you say so, your highness?" The voice was deep, and almost hypnotic. A hand took hold of her chin, and she took this as a cue to raise her eyes to the man's face. When she did, it was all she could do not to scream. The man had red eyes, the color of freshly spilt blood. His smile held no mirth whatsoever, and it sent a chill down her spine. From behind the man, another voice came. This one was more gentle, but it seemed only to be that way on the surface, like the velvet sheath of a dagger.
"My, but I would agree. She is lovely." Sakura dared not look over at this man, because she was sure it was the crowned prince, Orochimaru. He was spoken well of in public, and everyone smiled when he walked by, but beneath that carefully displayed loyalty was a barely restrained fear. This was a dangerous man. There was a reason he was called "the Snake," she was sure, but she didn't want to find out what it was. The soft-voiced man said in a way that seemed to indicate his displeasure, "Count, I believe you're scaring her. Let go, please." The Count, whoever he was, released her, and Sakura's eyes lit back onto the ground.
"My prince, a word." The count whirled around, and Sakura tried not to pay attention to their conversation, which they weren't truly trying to hide. "She would do nicely, would she not, my lord?"
"Yes, I believe she might. But there's the problem that she isn't a princess, you know. My father is very old-fashioned. He will require that I wed a princess." The velvety voice had taken on a pensive quality, but Sakura thought she heard something else in it, which she did not entirely like.
"But, Prince Orochimaru, we could always turn her into a princess. There's that small bit along the eastern border, the one that's nothing but rocky crags and marsh. We could let her have that. Then, she would be a princess. No, she would be a queen." This Count was quite persuasive, it seemed. She did not like where the conversation was headed. Were they talking about making her a princess, and marrying her off to this snake of a man? Thoughts of Naruto invaded her mind, and she nearly broke down into tears. For his sake, as always, she held them in.
In a dismissive tone, the prince said, "Go, Itachi. Make it so." Had she missed something? She had tuned the conversation out for a bare moment, she knew, but she hadn't thought she really missed something important. Apparently, she was wrong.
The Count Itachi, as she now knew him, walked over to her and said, "Girl, what is your name?"
Looking the man in the eyes, she said, "Sakura, my lord." Her tone was one of utter defeat. His right eyebrow twitched upward, but only slightly. This was a man who did not surprise easily. Instantly, when she looked almost defiantly into his blood-red eyes, she labeled him dangerous. Perhaps more so than the prince she was apparently supposed to be marrying now.
"Mount up, then, Sakura, and lead me to your home. I have matters to discuss with your parents." A growing fear had just sprung to life in the pit of her stomach. She did as she was instructed and, from the corner of her eye, looked over at the prince. This was a man whom, in the not so distant future, would be her husband, she was sure. The thought was not pleasing, as she beheld him.
He had a fall of long, inky black hair, and skin so pale she wondered if he were somehow a dead man who decided to walk around. There was an unpleasant smile tilting his lips, and his eyes…they were even more disturbing than the Count's. All gold, with oddly-shaped pupils, she suppressed a shiver as they settled on her. Taking as deep a breath as she could, she steadied herself. If she was going to marry this man, she was going to have to be able to look him in the eye. As she did so, she suddenly realized why they called him Snake. His gaze held her in place, much as she had heard the cobras of the foreign wilderness did. After a moment, she blinked. She would not allow him to get the better of her. Sakura had her pride, and she was not about to allow him to take that away, even if he was going to be taking away her freedom.
Sakura was a smart girl, and even with the missing bit of the conversation, she could tell that whatever the impending marriage may entail, it would not include love. Under any circumstances, from either of them. But she could pretend. For Naruto, she could pretend.
Two years later.
After a year of preparation, the engagement had been announced. Sakura had been learning to do everything from how to curtsy ("Not too deeply, dear. Ah, that's better."), and which fork to use for what ("How many times must I tell you? The smallest fork is for the snails!") to how to sound like she was being nice while insulting someone to their face. It was all beginning to tire her out by the time the engagement ceremony came around, and she was truly glad that she was going to have a year to be doing nothing but actually being a princess, so that she wouldn't have to have classes on how to do so anymore.
Now, it was only a month before her wedding day, and she was resigned to her fate. Every day, she ate with the prince, and he tried to charm her. Oh, he came off as charming, but he just wasn't Naruto. She was polite, smiled, and on the off chance he was funny, she would laugh. He would bring her gifts, and walk her to her room at night, giving her a small, gentle kiss on the cheek and say good night. Orochimaru was nothing but a gentleman to her. She should be grateful for all that he did for her. Sakura knew that she was going to have to deal with this for the rest of her life, but she simply could not even consider loving him. She had taken to spending more and more time with the horses in the royal stables, or out on long riding excursions, alone.
On one such ride, thirty days before the wedding, she reined in the beautiful bay mare she had been riding, and stared into the faces of three very odd characters. One was tall, quite tall, with broad shoulders, odd eyebrows, and a very wide smile. She thought he might not be quite right in the head, but he seemed harmless. Next to him, there was a rather handsome young man with black hair and very dark eyes, an expression of utter unconcern on his face. Instantly, she decided he reminded him of herself. The last, a shorter man who at first seemed to be a hunchback, straightened when she stopped. He had only been slouching quite low.
"Good afternoon, my Lady," The slouching man said in a drawling voice that seemed to drip boredom. "My pardon for bothering you, but we seemed to have lost our way. Can you point us in the direction of the nearest town, that we may find our way back to where we've come from?" Sakura nearly blinked. He seemed to be a very odd man, his hair drawn up into a high, spiked ponytail, and heavy hoop earrings in both ears. His manner of speaking was strange, as well. It seemed very circular, as if he was talking all the while, but not really saying anything at all.
"There isn't a town for miles." She said, looking down at the motley trio.
A sly smile crossed the short man's face. He said, "Then, no one will hear you scream. Fez…you know what to do." Sakura's strangled scream echoed in the clearing before she sank into unconsciousness, the large man's hand having squeezed off the blood supply to her brain just enough for her to be knocked out cold.
The large man, Fezzik Gai, by name, caught the tiny woman as she slipped from the saddle of her horse. He cradled her like a baby. "Vizzini, why did we have to hurt such a wonderfully pretty lady? She seems nice enough."
Vizzini Shikamaru rolled his eyes. "Because, you moron. We're starting a war! That's what we're being paid for. Gyah! So troublesome. Now shut up and get the Spaniard to bind her."
The dark haired young man with the brooding eyes glared daggers at Vizzini. "I have a name, you know." He tied the woman's wrists together, trying not to look at her face. This was just business after all. The three of them got paid to instigate conflicts, and they actually made pretty good money at it. Thinking that they may need her to walk, he left her feet unbound.
"Yes, I know. Your name is Montoya Sasuke. I've heard that enough, especially when you're drunk." Vizzini's eyes rolled in an almost tired way. He was becoming annoyed with his two henchmen. One was the strongest man in the world, and the other the best swordsman in creation, but sometimes…he just wanted to poison them to rid himself of their troublesome presence. The thought was becoming more and more pleasant by the second, since Sasuke and Fezzik were now starting their stupid rhyming game again.
"Shut up! Fez, you've got a brain the size of a peanut." He fixed his piercing gaze on the giant, and it did absolutely no good, as he was drawn into the game.
"Oh, you don't really mean it!" Fezzik's rhyming was his chief form of amusement, and it was during this game that the Spaniard, Sasuke, seemed to shed his forever-annoyed mask, and loosened up. Occasionally, Vizzini would allow this, but right now, they were kidnapping a princess, and they had to stay focused.
"Slant rhyme doesn't count, you dolt. Now, cut it out. We have to frame the country next door." He took out a bit of cloth and stuffed it haphazardly under the saddle horn on the princess's horse, then gave the creature a vicious smack to its left flank, sending it charging back the way it had come.
"What was that, Vizzini?" The Spaniard's voice drawled, with a slight lisp that is characteristic of that nation. His curiosity was only mild, something to do in order to pass the time.
"A piece of fabric from the uniform of a German soldier. When the horse gets back to the castle, they'll find that, and instantly assume that the Germans have stolen their precious princess." Both the giant and the Spaniard leaned away almost comically from the look that crossed the Sicilian's face. A smile that resembled what one usually only saw in an asylum had come to rest on his face, and it was frightening. Fezzik and Sasuke knew that smile. It only surfaced when Vizzini was being extra-specially deviant. "Now, let's get going. If we're going to make it to the Cliffs of Doom by morning, we've got to get the boat!"
After walking for some time, they came to an inlet on a sheltered area of the coast, where they had tied up their small sailboat. Once onboard, the princess was put into the small hold, and the Spaniard set to unfurling the sail. Fezzik took the rudder in the stern, and Vizzini stood in the bow, watching out for rocks and other hazards. It was at this point that the two resumed their game.
"Fezzik, do you think there are rocks ahead?" Sasuke's voice was unusually playful. Vizzini's tired expression began to dissolve into anger again, but it would take at least two complete rhymes before he would explode.
"Ha! If there are, we're better off dead!" Fezzik had an idiotic grin plastered to his face as he steered the boat, and Sasuke chucked as he sat in the middle of the yard 1. It seemed that the two of them were making it their mission in life to torment him.
"Hmm. Why does Vizzini hate your rhymes, Fez? It isn't as if they do him any harm." Sasuke was looking down at the smoldering Sicilian, barely repressed glee in his eyes.
Fezzik laughed out loud. "Maybe it's because he lacks…charm!" It took a moment for him to come up with that one, but once it came, he nearly dropped the tiller 2, and only got control of himself when the Sicilian mastermind nimbly crossed the boat in the blink of an eye and jumped onto his back.
In a dangerous voice, he said, "No more rhyming." His dagger was drawn, and held at the giant's throat. The tall man swallowed audibly. He nodded his head jerkily, obviously not wanting the Sicilian to use the point of the dagger for encouragement. The small man slid down from his perch, and stalked back to the bow.
Swinging down from the yard on one of the ropes that was usually used to lash the sails in place, Sasuke smiled kindly at Fezzik. "Don't worry, my large friend. We just need to work on our—" he looked cautiously over at Vizzini before continuing in a lower voice, "—timing." The enormous man's face split into a grin, happy once more. He used his gargantuan hand to ruffle the Spaniard's dark hair, and nearly knocked the man overboard.
"Ack! Fez, please! You really don't know your own strength, do you?" Sasuke looked up at the giant through his utterly disheveled hair, groaning. This seemed to be a pattern. Vizzini could never tell which one was more of a moron. The almost constantly drunken Spaniard, bent on revenge, or the always-stupid monstrous imbecile who seemed born to be nothing more than a prizefighter? It didn't really matter. As long as they got to the cliffs by dawn, they were home free, and they could kill the woman in peace and quiet.
Things were rather peaceful for a while, with some light conversation, and Vizzini only had to keep them from rhyming again once. Then, around five in the morning, when they were no more than a league or so from the Cliffs of Doom, Sasuke piped up from his perch on the yard.
"Vizzini, I thought you said no one is following us?"
"No one could. How could they possibly know where we are, or that we took the princess? Even if someone does, they wouldn't have found us yet. It's inconceivable." He crossed his arms, staring ahead, waiting to see the cliffs.
"You sure?"
"Yes. It's inconceivable."
"Then what is that?" Vizzini looked up to see Sasuke pointing behind them, at a small rectangle of white in the distance.
"It's just a fisherman, out for a joyride…in waters infested by sea serpents and electric eels."
Sasuke slid down from his seat, and came to rest on the deck. "He looks like he's gaining, Shikamaru."
"I told you never to call me that."
"Fine. He looks like he's gaining, Vizzini."
"Inconceivable!"
Furrowing his brow in irritation, Sasuke said, "You're supposed to be a genius, not me. You keep using that word, but I'm not sure that it means what you think it does. The man obviously is gaining on us. So it is also conceivable that he may know about the plan you concocted, or, he might be trying to steal her out from under us."
Vizzini's eye twitched. "Are you drunk?"
"Do I look drunk to you? Have I had anything to drink? No, I'm not drunk, Vizzini."
"Then why are you questioning my logic? I have more brains in my pinky finger than you have in your entire brandy-soaked skull. Now shut up!" A large vein had begun to stand out from the Sicilian's forehead, and there was a mad look in his eyes. Yes, a truly frightening, crazy-as-a-loon light had ignited behind his gaze, and Sasuke's hand strayed instinctively to the intricately filigreed hilt of his sword. Raising an eyebrow, Vizzini said, "Don't even think about it, you drunken idiot. Ingrate! You should be thanking me for pulling you out of the gutter. When I found you, you were so drunk, you couldn't even speak. Now, you're going to pull a sword on me? Try it, and see what happens." He was fingering the hilt of his dagger.
Sasuke's hand moved away from his sword, and he crossed his arms over his chest. "Hn," was all he said.
All the while, Fezzik had been operating the rudder, and they had now come to the cliffs. Vizzini hopped in place. "We're here! Now, Fez, get the harness." The large man took a leather harness and strapped it to his chest. There were three loops hanging from it. Suddenly, they heard a splash. Vizzini whirled around, to see the princess swimming away.
Sasuke leaned over the railing of the boat, screaming, "Are you insane, woman? Get back here!"
Vizzini squawked. "Fez, turn the boat."
"But we're already parked!"
"Just do it, moron! I swear, if you say one more thing that I find in the least bit troublesome, I'm going to drop you off the cliff once we get to the top." The little Sicilian's voice had begun to crack, and he had a string of spittle hanging from his lower lip. The others merely stared. "Get moving!" At this, both of his henchmen worked to get the boat turned.
Once the boat was turned, they came up next to the princess, and suddenly, there were horrific shrieking noises surrounding them. "Do you hear that, princess? That's the sound of the sea serpents inhabiting these waters. They always get louder when they're about to feed. How long will you last?" The woman looked at him with a mixture of fury and outright disgust. He couldn't care less. He was getting paid to start a war, but he wouldn't get his money if there was not a body to find. "Now, get back here."
She swam toward the boat, and screamed the entire time. Apparently, the serpents and eels were toying with her, brushing against her legs. When she was close enough, Fezzik scooped her up. He threw a blanket over her, and said, "Are you ok, pretty lady?"
She eyed him warily. "I'm fine."
Vizzini said, "Good. Now let's get moving! Our friend is gaining rapidly." The boat was sailed back to the edge of the cliffs, and the Spaniard, the princess, and the Sicilian all had loops placed around them, Fezzik found a concealed rope, then began to climb.
After about half an hour of this, Sasuke looked down. "Vizzini, he's gaining on us."
"Shut up, you lush! Fezzik, I thought you were the strongest man in the world. Obviously, I should be in the market for a new giant." Vizzini knew exactly which buttons to push to make the man do what he wanted.
"Oh, please, Vizzini, don't say that."
"You were supposed to be this massive edifice of a man, this unbeatable god. And yet, he gains! Do you want me to put you back where I found you? Unemployed, in Greenland?" Fezzik started pulling them faster up the rope, but still the man, all dressed in black, was closing the distance between himself and them.
"Vizzini, he's only got himself, and I'm carrying three people. I don't think you're being fair. I'm not as young as I used to be. If I were still in the bloom of youth, then you'd see." The Sicilian muttered darkly in Italian, which neither the Nordic giant or the Spaniard could understand, but the tone spoke volumes. Finally, they reached the top, and deposited the princess on the ground, Fezzik panting as he sat on a rock.
Sasuke peered over the edge. "He's less than a hundred feet from the top of the cliff now."
Vizzini's evil grin returned. He took out his dagger, and moved to the edge of the cliff, sawing at the rope.
"Now, Vizzini, that's not very nice." Fezzik panted, staring at his employer in disbelief.
"Not another word, you oaf." Vizzini's dagger waved in the direction of the giant, and his mouth shut with a click. Once the rope was cut through, it quickly slid over the edge. Vizzini poked his head over the brink to watch the man in black fall to his death. But he wasn't falling. Not at all. He was clinging tenaciously to the cliff face, finding purchase in some of the crags. "Inconceivable! Montoya, wait for him. See if he falls, and if he doesn't, take care of him once he gets to the top."
Sasuke looked thoughtful. "I'll have to fight him left-handed."
Vizzini's eyes bulged. "We don't have time for this, Montoya. Just finish it quickly."
"He's so persistent, it seems a shame to waste his energy by cutting him to pieces quickly. I'll fight him left-handed, and catch up to you as soon as I can." Sasuke's eyes were glazing over, already thinking of fencing strategies.
"Fine. But don't take too long." The small man trudged off, the giant walking next to him, carrying the princess.
Time was ticking slowly away, and Montoya Sasuke was not a man known for patience. Well, there were things he could be patient for, but waiting for this ever-persistent man to climb to the top of the cliff was not one of them. He leaned over the edge of the cliff. "Hello! Hello down there!"
The man's lips twisted in some semblance of a sardonic grin. "Yes? How can I help you?"
"Will you hurry up? I have to kill you and then catch up to my boss." The Spaniard smirked down at the man, who had paused his upward movement in order to speak with him. He saw that the man was wearing a mask over his eyes and nose, and a black bandanna over his hair.
"Sorry. I'm a bit busy trying to get up this cliff. You'll just have to wait. That is, unless you want to lower a branch or something." The man was clinging to the cliff face as a spider would to a wall. Sasuke wondered briefly how it was that he was sticking to the rock like that.
"I have some rope up here. I could throw some down, and you could climb up."
From the distance of thirty feet, Sasuke could see the man in black's eyes narrow. "How do I know that you won't cut the rope?"
"I can give you my word as a Spaniard."
The man in black shook his head ruefully as he once again began to climb, grunting with the effort. "No good. I've known too many Spaniards. You'll have to wait."
Sasuke looked up at the sun. It had been almost an hour now. This man needed to get to the top of the cliff so that he could kill him. Hesitating only a moment longer, he made his decision. Looking down at the man with a fixed gaze, he said, "I swear to you, on the graves of my family, I will not let you fall." The man in black's eyes widened, then he blinked. The seriousness in the young Spaniard's voice was obvious, and this man seemed to know that.
"Alright then, throw me the rope." Sasuke unwound the rope from the large boulder, then secured it around another, closer to the cliff face. He lowered it down to the man in black. Once he had the rope, he made the climb very quickly. As soon as he got to the top, panting for breath, he drew his sword.
"No, my friend. You are winded. I am an honorable man. Wait until you are rested, then I will kill you." He smiled at the man in black. This was business, after all, and he was always fair when it came to business.
"I thank you, sir." The man in black, a slender, willowy man, sat heavily on a flat boulder. "So you say you're supposed to kill me?"
"Yes, strictly business, you understand. But first, I want to ask you something." Sasuke swallowed. "Do you, by any chance, have six fingers on your left hand?" The man in black raised his hand. There were only five fingers. Sasuke nodded.
"Why do you ask?"
Sasuke thought for a moment. Then, he supposed that if he was going to kill the man, he could tell him. "Well, I'll tell you. I am looking for this six-fingered man. He killed my family. My father, one of the noblest sword smiths in all of the world, was commissioned by this man to make a sword the like of which had never before been seen. When the man returned to collect the weapon, he would not pay the agreed upon price. My father argued with him. The six-fingered man stabbed him through the heart, and killed the rest of my family, too. I was the only one to survive. He gave me this." Sasuke pointed to his left cheek. There was a long, thin scar that stretched from his cheekbone to his chin. "The six-fingered man left me for dead. I have been studying fencing since then. I was five. Now, I look forward to the day when I can look at this man and say: Hello, my name is Montoya Sasuke. You killed my family…prepare to die."
The man in black said, "What got you involved with the kind of business you're in now?"
Sasuke shrugged. "Not much money in the revenge business. Vizzini said he had use for my steel. I make money, I try to find the six-fingered man in my spare time."
"Well, everyone should have a hobby. Is that the sword you spoke of?" The man in black motioned to the sword sheathed at Sasuke's side. Smiling, Sasuke unsheathed it, and handed it over to the other man. He was not sure why, but this man was so honorable, he felt himself able to trust him. "The work is exquisite. I've never seen it's equal."
Sasuke smiled sadly. "Nor will you, sir. My father was the best."
The man in black stood, brushing off his bottom. "I'm sorry for your loss. Should we get this over with, then? I'd hate to keep you." His voice was sincere, without the slightest hint of sarcasm.
"You're so considerate. I thank you. Engarde."
A/N: Now, the next chapter will include their lovely fight scene. Hehe. We still have a long way to go. I know Sasuke is really out of character, but who cares? He's funny. You have to develop a sense of humor in the 'revenge business.' If anyone's wondering, the whole reason I started this fic is because I love the Princess Bride. I was thinking about the character Inigo Montoya, who always said, "Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father...prepare to die." Then it hit me. Revenge. Inigo...Sasuke. Evil genius...Shikamaru. Buttercup...Sakura. Evil Prince Humperdinck...Orochimaru. Oh, and let's not forget making Tayuya an albino henchwoman with a very foul mouth. I feel evil today.
Sasuke: So, how's my acting so far? Should I be more angsty? I'm a little worried, this is the first time I've done this.
Shikamaru: Hm. This whole thing is troublesome, but it is a little fun. I get to order Gai and Sasuke around. How often does a regular Chuunin get to do that?
Sakura: You're doing great, Sasuke-kun!
Naruto: Hey, don't worry, teme. At least they didn't kill you in the Prologue
antilogicgirl: I think you guys are doing a fantastic job. I mean, it isn't that often that I get to write a re-make with such fun actors to write for!