Summary: AU. We moved to get away from the craziness of city life. But Mom didn't know that moving us out to the suburbs would land me with the hot Roxas, his psycho twin who wants to castrate me, and their freaky man-parents. (AkuRoku RikuSora Zemyx &more)
Disclaimer: I find that constantly stating and restating that I do not own even the tiniest morsel of the (legitimate) Kingdom Hearts franchise is disturbingly damaging to both my ego and my self-esteem. So, I'm not going to say it. Ha.
Rant: After letting this sit for a while, I've finally figured out a direction to go in. :D See, I got hit with another stream of inspiration for another AU-type Kingdom Hearts fic, and I just wanted to make sure that the ideas wouldn't be too similar.
Anyway, I just wanted to thank everyone for their kind reviews! You guys have no idea how happy they made me. :3 I was pretty sure that this fic would kind of just…bet there. Y'know, nothing really interesting. I was also worried about the humour. It is, ahem, a bit vulgar, and I wasn't sure how that would be accepted. But all the wonderful comments really were supportive, and I'm very excited with how this fic'll turn out. L'chayim!

Started: January 26, 2008.
Completed: February 4, 2008.

It's Like Hell
(…except worse.)
What a "Wonderful" World
(I'm not being sarcastic. GOD…)

When Mom finally came to, it was a good fifty minutes later. (We had entertained ourselves by watching the movers dump all our shit in their respective places with inhuman speed and by struggling with hooking up the cable box to the television.) Reno had woken up a little earlier, but once Mom woke up, he immediately took off under the most-likely-false pretence that he would go find a part-time job. (His exact words were "It's too fucking dangerous to stay here—and I swear, that blondie brat-pack can't be good for my health. I'm outta here.") Ven seemed to find the idea of Reno successfully finding a job highly amusing. ("Maybe you could become a maid.")

Naminé and Ven had returned to their house to prepare dinner. Naminé was kind enough to invite us over to eat, and Ven, as I expected, was quick to discourage this with a few well thought out threats.

And after they were relatively sure that Mom wasn't going to kill them, Sora and Riku ushered me and Roxas away to go unpack my stuff while they sat in the kitchen—at the freshly unpacked table—and spoke in hushed voices.

"Sorry about all that," Roxas said tiredly as we climbed up the stairs to my room. "My parents are kinda tactless."

I laughed. "It's totally cool, man. Seriously, that was the most entertaining thing I've seen all day." I grinned at him as we entered my box-filled room. "I mean, man, did you see Reno's face when Mom fell on him?" I guffawed. "So priceless," I sighed nostalgically as I flopped into the swivel chair at my desk.

Roxas chuckled in agreement and sat down on the corner of my bare bed. He glanced out the window, then did a double-take. "Hey, Axel," he said brightly, "your windows are right across from mine."

I eyed the chequered curtains with a triumphant grin. I knew it.

Roxas' eyes flickered over to the stacked boxes lying around before fixing me with a questioning look. "So, do you want me to help you unpack or what?" he asked.

I laughed sheepishly. "That'd be great."

Roxas nodded and slid off the bed and to the nearest box and jerked the tape off in a single, clean stroke. I cringed slightly at the ripping sound.

Roxas opened the box and cast me an amused look over his shoulder. "Gee, Axel," he crowed, blue eyes laughing. "I never would have guessed…"

I cowered into my chair, watching him anxiously as he grinned in a way that made him seem just like Ven. From his tone of voice, I just knew that he'd found something upsetting. "Guessed what…?" I squeaked.

He spun around, fanning out a stack of jewelled CD cases and smirking behind them. "You never struck me as the type who liked the Backstreet Boys."

I flushed. "Those are my sister's!"

Roxas raised an eyebrow, his wicked leer stretching even further. "Your sister's, huh?"

It took me a good two minutes to realise that this was a bad excuse because I didn't have a sister.

"I meant my mom's," I 'corrected' a little forcefully, a plastic smile straining painfully on my face.

Roxas neatly snapped the CDs back into a neat stack and gave me another entertained smile as he slapped them into my hands. "Your mother's. Riiiiiight."

I recoiled further into my seat, tucking the CDs away for later use—just not by me. I warily watched Roxas strut back to the box and continue to empty it. God, he's a monster… The sarcasm was practically oozing from his voice. (I think I could see how he and Ven were twins.)

Thinking about Ven made me think about Naminé; and thinking about Naminé made me think about Roxas; and thinking about Roxas just made me confused.

"Oi." Roxas' voice cut through my confusion like a blade on an emo kid's wrist. (Goddamn emos.)

I blinked and looked up at him. "What?"

He gave me an obvious look. "Are you gonna help me unpack your shit or what?"

Oh. I laughed awkwardly and slipped out of the chair before inching away to another box. Roxas just shook his head with a snort and rolled his eyes, a small hint of a smile tugging at his lips.

It was a nice look for him.

He must've noticed that I was staring, because his blue eyes roved onto me, curiosity evident. "What're you looking at?" he asked slowly, apprehensively.

I cleared my throat hastily, trying to come up with a semi-plausible answer. "Uhh…"

Roxas snickered. "How intelligent." Gah. Totally Ven's twin.

"Uh, no… It's just that we were talking about my mom, I…um…" My eyes lit up. "I realised that I know nothing about your mom."

Roxas looked a bit surprised, and I guessed he hadn't been anticipating that sort of response from me. "Oh," he said vacantly. "Uh, so what do you want to know?" he asked, sounding a bit perplexed.

I scratched at the back of my neck as I clawed my brain for a decent question. "So, um, were you guys adopted or something?"

He furrowed his brow. "Adopted?"

I nodded earnestly. "Yeah, I mean, your parents are, like…uhh…y'know—gay, and I was wondering how you three came into the picture…"

He glanced back down at the box and pulled out a pile of Disney soundtracks with a small smile. "Well," he began thoughtfully. He paused and his gaze flickered over to me for a brief second before returning to the CDs. They were all soundtracks. The Lion King, The Hunchback of Notre Dame, The Nightmare Before Christmas…

"Well, what do you think?" he asked lightly, not looking up.

"What do I think about what?" I asked dumbly.

Roxas chuckled lightly and set the stack of CDs on my bed. "About my siblings and me," he replied. "How do you think we came to be where we are with our fruity parents?"

I stared at him. How the hell should I know? I was asking the question for a reason, goddammit. "Uh, well, you and Ven look way too similar to Sora to be unrelated in some form…so, I guess you two are blood relatives of his? And was Naminé adopted?"

Roxas licked his lips thoughtfully. "You had part of it right," he replied. "Naminé, Ven, and I are actually triplets," he said lightly, ignoring the awed expression on my face.

Triplets? I thought stupidly. How did the three of them fit in there? And what the hell? They look just like Sora—is it even possible to have butt-babies! That's sounds so nasty! He'd probably get a haemorrhoid trying to pop a kid out that way…

Roxas watched me warily, a disgruntled expression twisting his face. "Ew, what the hell are you thinking about?" he asked loudly.

I gave him the most innocent look I could muster—which really wasn't all that innocent, so I've been told. Supposedly it made me look like a psychotic giraffe… "What are you talking about?" I asked in my dishonestly honest voice.

He wrinkled his nose. "You're definitely thinking about something nasty, aren't you?"

Your mom-dad is thinking about something nasty, I thought happily. But, to him, I said: "Of course not."

He gave me a sceptical look before dismissing it. "Whatever," he said flatly, going back to unpacking and idly lifted a stuffed doll of a cactuar out of the box and looked at me questioningly. "Uh," he said, "What up with the cactuar?"

I gave him a haughty look. "It was my school's mascot," I told him, snatching the plush from his hands and pointing exaggeratedly at the foam finger attached to its prickly arm. "See," I said loudly, "it says 'Shinra's Academic Academy of Junon'."

Roxas glared at me. "I can read, you know."

I chose to ignore that.

Roxas took the cactuar back and looked at it, a mildly interested look on his face. "So, were you an army brat?" he asked randomly.

"Huh?" Army brat? Where'd that come from?

"Was your father a SOLDIER?" he clarified, glancing over at me from the corner of his eyes.

"Uh, no," I replied. "He worked at the electric company, though."

"Oh." He set the doll down on my desk. "I was just curious. My uncle was a SOLDIER for a couple of years."

"Your uncle?" This was getting interesting, again. When I really thought about it, I knew next to nothing about Roxas' family—including the manner in which it was formed.

Roxas nodded heartily and went back to digging through the box. "Yeah, Uncle Cloud is the eldest child on my Pop's side."

"Oh, yeah?" I asked, trying to casually slide into what I wanted to know. "How does your uncle feel about your dads' marriage?"

Roxas paused in the middle of sorting out some more CDs and frowned. "Well," he said contemplatively, "I don't think Uncle Cloud really cares," he said. "He's way to busy getting his brains screwed out by his boyfriend to really be bothered by anything."

I nearly fell over. So not the answer I was expecting. And he just said it in such an overly blasé voice! He was deadpanning, goddammit! This guy was amazing!

"So, how long have Riku and Sora been married?" I asked, deciding that if Roxas was gonna be blunt, then I would too.

Roxas grinned a little. "They got legally married about fourteen years ago, right after Pop turned twenty, but they've been acting like an old married couple since Pop's birth, really. They got really close after your mom moved away, if you know what I mean…" He let out a rather wicked sounding laugh and went back to his work as I stared at him, absolutely dumbstruck.

"So, you three were born already, right? 'Cause you're like, what, fifteen? Sixteen?"

"Sixteen," he corrected. "I just had my birthday last month. And, yeah, we were already around. We made such a mess of the wedding, too." He smiled in a devious sort of wistful way. "It was so much fun."

I scratched my head, now officially confused. "So, wait, how do you guys play into this?" I asked, completely lost. "Does Sora have some freaky anatomical secret or something…?"

Roxas' smile dropped off his face and he gave me a blank stare. Then he slapped me across my face. Can you believe it! That bitch actually fucking slapped me!

"You're an idiot," Roxas groaned. "Pop's sister was our biological mother, Axel."

"Wait, you guys were born of an incestuous relationship!" OOH! SCANDALOUS! (Insert an L-O-L here.)

He bitch-slapped me again. "No, douche. Our mom got knocked up by some jackass when she was twenty, and she died in childbirth."

I stopped my idiocy immediately. "Oh…" SHIT! What am I supposed to say! "I'm sorry."

Oddly enough, he patted me reassuringly on the back and told me to forget about it. "I'm cool with the way things turned out," he said brightly. "Pop and Uncle Cloud raised us for the first two years, and Dad married Pop a little later and they decided to formally adopt us." He shrugged. "It all worked out, I guess."

I stared at him. "So, you're okay with not knowing your mother?"

Roxas furrowed his brow. "I don't like to think about what I could have had," he said flatly—which was just the same as saying he wasn't okay with it, but he had to deal.

"So, uhh…" I desperately clawed for a change in subject. "What, your biological dad did want you guys?" Whoops. Probably not the best change in subject.

Roxas snorted. "He didn't want to be bothered. He blamed it on my mom for not taking birth control."

"Bastard," I scowled.

A small, sardonic grin spread across his face. "No, man, I'm the bastard." He laughed a little. "But, nah, I'm cool with the way things are. I like my parents. Plus, I've been told that Uncle Cloud and Pop beat up that guy within an inch of his life after he bailed out on my mom," he informed me with a satisfied grin befitting of a guy who'd just been laid. I guess revenge really was just that sweet.

I winced. "Remind me never to get on your bad side," I said seriously. "I really, really don't want your folks—especially Ven—to come for my balls."

Roxas laughed again. And everything was cool.

"I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!" Mom screeched the second Roxas and his fathers had left the house.

I winced. She had a scream so loud and obnoxious that it would wake Sleeping Beauty.

"How could they have done this to me?" she wailed, tearing out her strawberry-pink hair. "I mean, for God's sake! We grew up together!"

I rotated my pinky inside my left ear and furrowed my eyebrows. "Well," I said slowly, "maybe they were afraid of what you'd think, Mom."

She gave me a 'bitch, please' sort of look.

I frowned and flicked the earwax away from me. "Well, think about it!" I said. "They were…what, fifteen or something… Wouldn't it be awkward to tell the girl you'd been competing for that you suddenly decided to blitz for the other team?"

Mom raised an eyebrow at me and started rolling up her sleeves in a threatening way that showed off her very non-muscular arms. "Are you calling me a lesbian, boy?" she asked in a low, menacing voice.

"What! NO!" I exclaimed hastily, holding my hands up as a sign of peace as I scuttled away from her hitting range. Where the hell had that idea come from!

"Oh." Mom relaxed slightly.

"I'm just saying, maybe they were afraid of what you'd think."

Mom didn't look convinced. "But they came to my wedding," she whined. "Why didn't they tell me then? They were probably banging each other at that point—oh, God! Mental images!" She furiously began rubbing at her eyes and swaying dramatically on the spot. I quickly hurried over to steady her.

"It's okay, Mom," I said stupidly. She gave me another one of those 'bitch, please' looks again.

"I just can't believe they'd keep a secret that big from me for so long!" she cried with a theatrical swoon into my arms. I staggered under her massive weight and somehow managed to get her standing again. (Not without difficulty, though. Mom's a lard-ass.)

"But, Mom," I argued. "You said yourself that you guys fell out of contact. Let's face it, before you told them we were moving, they hadn't heard from you since the day you got married—which means that they were in the dark about me and Reno for a couple thousand years."

Mom smacked me upside my head. "I'm not that old, Axel. I'll have you know that Sora and Riku both agreed that I haven't aged a day since I got married."

I gave her an exaggerated wink. "Riiiight, Mom," I said loudly. "Did they compliment you on your cosmetic surgery, as well? Because those doctors did a wonderful job—"

OUCH. For a tiny woman with no muscles, she has one hell of a left hook.

"Uhh, what're you two doing?" Reno asked from the doorway, a bundle of crisply-pressed clothes tucked under his arm and a bag reading 'Olympus Coliseum Weapons and Armour Shop' held tightly in his hand.

Oh, great. Just when I thought the company couldn't get any more illogical.

Mom beamed at Reno and flew over to greet him. "Reno, darling!" she cooed, pinching his cheeks. "How was the job hunting?"

Reno stared down at her, face twisted into an expression of disturbance. He gave me a wide eyed look. "Has she been drinking those elixir things again?"

Mom slapped him and I laughed. Reno ruefully rubbed his freshly slapped cheek, looking mildly put out.

"So, how was it?" I asked after I stopped snickering. "Did you get some kind of minimum wage job?"

Reno glared at me. "No," he snapped. "It actually pays pretty well."

Mom looked horrified. "You're not whoring yourself off, are you? I thought we had a talk about this!"

Reno looked appalled. "I am not whoring myself off!" he exclaimed, looking insulted.

I grinned. "Riiiiiight."

He glowered at Mom and me. "I'll have you two know that I have a legitimate job working in a restaurant."

"Oh, really?" Mom looked interested. "What kind of food?"

"Turkish," Reno replied. "It's a pretty chic place just down the street of Entrance Hall. It's named Cave of Wonders… It's run by some rich family from Agrabah, I think."

I snorted. "That sounds like a not-so-cleverly disguised sex store, if you ask me."

Reno flipped me off. "I wasn't asking you," he retorted. He turned back to Mom. "Anyway," he said, "I'll be working there on lunch shifts four days a week until school starts, then they'll be moving me to dinner."

"That's all well and good, and I'm proud of you, dear," Mom said distractedly, "but did you bring home anything to eat?"

My foolish brother gave her a blank look. "You didn't tell me you wanted me to bring food…"

Mom gave him an incredulous look. "Reno, we don't have any food in the house. Don't you think that we would expect for you to get something to eat?"

Reno gawked at her. "Couldn't we just eat the jello mould the neighbours gave us?" he asked hopefully.

Mom and I gave him annoyed looks.

"Forget it," Mom said tiredly. "I guess we could just take up Naminé's offer to eat dinner at Sora's house—"

"NO!" Reno and I shouted in unison. Reno's face was pale. "I'd rather jump off a bridge than have to see that demon Ven, again," he said fearfully. "Earlier, just before I left, he told me to always sleep with night vision goggles and an electro-mag rod. I think he's planning on killing me in my sleep."

Although I'd never admit it to Reno, I privately shared his suspicions about Ven. That guy was Satan Spawn for a reason.

Mom gave us an exasperated look. "Fine. One of you—I don't care who—has to go out and find a supermarket or something."

"Okay." Reno chucked the keys to the Mom-mobile at my head, hitting me square in the forehead. "Axel, you're doing it. I'm beat."

I gingerly touched my forehead. "I can't," I said as I picked the keys up from the ground. "Mom took my license after the…uh…y'know." I fidgeted. "The Incident."

I don't want to talk about The Incident. I really don't. (Forget that I don't want to, I'm legally not allowed to talk about it.) All I can say is that it involved me, a national holiday, and a runaway golf cart.

Yeah. Let's not even get into that story.

Reno's eyes widened. "I forgot all about that." He gave Mom a horrified look. "Forget it, I'll go."

Mom gave me a scrutinising look before shaking her head and licking her lips pensively. "Nah, it's okay, Reno," she said. "I'm willing to overlook The Incident for now. You can go rest. Axel will go find a supermarket and all that."

Reno looked uneasy. "Are you sure we should let him?" I shot him a pointed glare. "I'd hate to see a repeat of The Incident."

Mom nodded firmly. "I'm going to make sure there won't be anymore car-related tragedies."

I gave her a relieved look. "Oh, good," I said. "How're you gonna do that?"

Mom smiled a strange, toothy grin and plucked the car keys out of my hand. "I'm going to ask one of Sora's kids to take you."

"What!"

Standing on the doorstep of the Seelenfreund-Quirke house revealed two things. One, the yellow polka-dots I'd seen on the curtains weren't actually polka-dots. They were stars. Two, somebody in the family was definitely a bit obsessed with Disney. The peephole in the door had been carefully crafted into a likeness of Mickey Mouse. It was pretty clever, actually. The peephole itself was right in the centre of the mouse's nose, right above the grinning mouth.

In retrospect, it was kind of freaky.

I hesitantly rang the doorbell and nearly fainted when it started belting the Mickey Mouse Club March.

Yeah. Somebody was definitely obsessed.

The door opened to reveal either Roxas or Ven—I wasn't sure which. It was only when he gave me a look that said he wanted the flesh to melt off my face that it became obvious.

"You…you're not the one who's driving me, are you?" I asked hesitantly.

An expression of sincere nausea passed over Ven's face. "I'd sooner offer myself up to that paedophile Mr. Xehanort than deal with you," he said dryly.

I let out a sigh of relief. "Oh," I said. "Good."

He sniffed haughtily. "I share the same sentiments." He turned away from me, facing the depths of the house. "Hey, Roxas!" he barked into the house. "Your idiot is here!"

I gave him a wounded look. "I resent that."

He snorted. "I resent you," he fired back with a roll of his eyes.

Roxas hurried over from behind Ven and quickly greeted me, all the while giving Ven suspicious glances. "I'll be right out," he told me. "I'm just gonna go grab a pair of shoes."

I nodded and watched him disappear in a nearby closet that was heavily adorned with Disney stickers. Ven watched me with distrust.

"What're you looking at, you mephistophelian douchebag?" he hissed, eyes narrowed in contempt.

I blinked at him in confusion. "What did you just call me?" I asked, more baffled than insulted. "A mephisto-what?"

His lips curled slightly as he sneered at me. "You're an even greater idiot than I thought."

I was about to start arguing with him when Roxas reappeared. Ven immediately left the doorway and vanished into the shadows.

Roxas watched him go, an eyebrow raised. "Did I just miss something?" he asked as he left the house, locking the door securely behind him.

I shrugged. "I think I missed something, too."

Roxas rolled his eyes. "Whatever," he said, leading me across the grass and onto the sidewalk in the direction of the town.

I followed him, feeling a little more lost now than earlier. "Uh, aren't we driving?" I asked stupidly.

He glanced over at me, surprise evident in his blue eyes. "Your mom said that you weren't allowed to drive," he said simply, and I barely concealed a wince, though I was thankful he didn't press the subject. "I figured that the easiest way for you to learn where everything is located was by having you learn how to get there by foot."

I groaned. "Walking everywhere was something I hoped I'd left behind in Midgar," I complained, even though I continued following him.

Roxas smiled a little and patted me on the back understandingly. "You don't really have much choice, man."

"I know," I whined pathetically as I matched my stride to his. "Couldn't you have just driven us there? I mean…don't you have to eat dinner soon or something?" I asked hopefully. "I'd just hate to make you late to eat…"

He grinned at me. "You're full of it!" he laughed, punching me lightly in the arm. "And don't sweat it. Actually, I should be thanking you. There is no way I'm gonna eat Naminé's toxic sludge if I can help it."

This surprised me. "She can't cook?" To me, Naminé had come off as the type who liked to bake brownies and frosted cupcakes and shit like that.

Roxas mock-gagged. "She can't cook for her life!" he exclaimed.

"Really?"

He gave me a dead serious look. "Really," he said firmly.

I raised my eyebrows. "Then, why do you guys let her cook?" I asked. "If she can't, then aren't you guys just torturing yourselves?"

Roxas clapped a hand to his head and let out a heavy sigh. "It's not that simple," he said wearily. "You see, we're each assigned a day of the week to cook dinner."

"Just dinner?"

Roxas nodded. "My dad always does breakfast—he's the only one who can actually cook—and with lunch it's every man for himself."

"Oh," I said. "I think me 'n' Reno would die if Mom stopped cooking. Reno can't cook for shit and I can burn water."

He chuckled. "I can imagine," he mumbled, looking amused. "Anyway, Pop cooks on Mondays, Ven cooks on Tuesdays—he can actually cook really well, Naminé cooks on Wednesdays, I cook on Thursdays, Dad and Ven cook together on Fridays, and Dad cooks on the weekends."

I scratched my head. "That's way too complicated," I muttered. "I'd forget if it was my day or not."

Roxas laughed a little. "I forgot a lot at first," he admitted sheepishly. "But, I guess I got used to it in the end."

We had just turned onto the street with the Kingdom Campus. Roxas cast a forlorn look over at the giant T.P.'d statue of a moogle that stood in front of the high school.

"Who did this?" I asked, sensing that the defaced moogle was hurting his school's pride and, consequently, his as well.

He shrugged in a would-be careless way. "Probably some thugs from Seifer's gang," he said sourly. "They're a group of assholes from our rival school in Balamb Garden."

I raised an eyebrow. "Balamb Garden?"

"It's the next township over," he clarified. "It's always been the moogles versus the moombas around here." He sighed. "Let's get out of here," he muttered as he quickened his pace.

I stared over behind us at the moogle statue that was rapidly disappearing in the distance. "Moombas, eh?"

Roxas shrugged noncommittally. "Whatever, we always beat them in blitzball and struggle, anyway." His cheer didn't sound authentic and more forced than anything else.

"Haven't you guys ever tried playing the same shit on them?" I asked curiously. "I dunno…draw penises on a giant moomba statue or something?"

Roxas grinned nostalgically. "My friend Hayner did that once," he answered. "He got a week of detention, though."

"That must've been good."

He nodded, a wicked leer spreading across his face. I inched away from him. "Watch it, Roxas," I said anxiously, not liking the look on his face. "If you keep doing that, you'll end up looking like Ven."

He snorted, giving me an entertained look. "You really don't like him, do you?" he asked as we turned onto a new street.

I gave Roxas a wide eyed look. "I think it's more like he wants to castrate me," I told him. "That's kind of interfering with any possible friendship."

Oddly enough, Roxas shrugged and gave me a sympathetic look. "You'll get used to it."

I gaped at him. 'Get used to it'? He was making it seem like Ven would always hate my guts.

…

Actually… That didn't sound so far-fetched when I actually thought about it.

"Ven really isn't so bad when he's not being a total bastard," Roxas continued, either not seeing my horrified expression or choosing to ignore it. "He just gets passionate and sensitive and shit about things. Like, his relationship with his boyfriend…"

"Ex-boyfriend, you mean," I put in helpfully.

Roxas snickered. "Right," he said lightly. "But not really. I told you before, man, Terra and Ven break up all the time. Like every month."

All the time? My face paled. "Does that mean that Ven'll be like this 'all the time'?"

Roxas smirked a little at me. "Yup," he said, a little too happily. "It's really fun to watch. The other day he nearly bit the head off Tinkerbell—Isabel Tinker—because she was laughing at him and called him a fairy."

I blinked. "But he seemed really" I made quotation marks with my fingers "'out proud' to me. He was ragging on me even before I could tell him that I'm good with gays."

Roxas pursed his lips thoughtfully—and I couldn't help but think how…gay that looked. "Well," Roxas began, "that chick always knows how and when to hit his sore spots; which, I guess, comes with the property of being friends with Ven, but I dunno… She was just poking fun. Everyone knows that Tink is the biggest fairy of them all, anyway," he told me in a conspiratorial whisper-shout, his eyes laughing.

I grinned, having fun with his gossip, even though I hadn't the slightest flaming idea who 'Tinkerbell' was. "Whaddya mean?"

Roxas made a big show of looking around to make sure no one could hear us before yanking me down to his level and whispering hurriedly in my ear, "She says that she's going out with Peter Pan, right?"

I fidgeted slightly. His breath was tickling me. "Right…"

"Total ruse, man. Pan is gay. I've seen him with Jimmy Hook—like, seen them, if y'know what I mean…" he wiggled his eyebrows. "Tink is just helping him keep a cover."

I gave him a wide-eyed look. "No. Way."

Roxas laughed a little. "Seriously. Besides, Naminé told me that Tink has been totally ticked off with that Wendy Darling chick. 'Total sexual chemistry,' Naminé said." He pulled away from me and continued walking down the sidewalk.

I cracked up a bit as I followed him. "It's fucking crazy how you know all this shit, man. You're such a girl, Roxas."

Roxas gave me a look of mock-hurt. "But, Axel," he whined, "I thought you liked that about me!" He sniffled dramatically before ceasing the act and laughing. "No, seriously, don't even get started on those girl-tendencies, Axel," he said, rolling his eyes. "I get enough about them from my friend, Olette, as it is. She's a raging feminist, man."

My eyebrows raised in surprise. "There's nothing wrong with being a feminist."

Roxas gave me an 'if only you knew' sort of look. "She's the scary kind of feminist, though," he said wearily. "Y'know, the bra-burning type."

"Fire and no bras." I drooled a bit. "I think I'd like her—"

Roxas silenced me with a quick smack upside my head. "Don't even think about it," he said flatly.

I snickered at his livid expression. "Don't worry, man," I snorted, giving him a hearty thump on the back that sent him stumbling. "I won't go hitting on your girlfriend."

"She's not my girlfriend!" The look on his face was fucking priceless. He looked absolutely sickened at the very idea. "I think I'd rather kill myself than become Olette's boyfriend," he proclaimed with a horrified cringe. "Olette likes her men whipped and grovelling."

I briefly had a strange mental image of Roxas sniffling in tattered rags and chains and immediately put it to the back of my mind. It was kinda sexy. In a really, really gayass way.

"What the hell is that?" Roxas suddenly asked, giving me a wide-eyed stare. "Is your nose bleeding!"

Shit.

"Uh, no," I said lamely as I dug through my pockets for a tissue, covering my nose with my hand in a half-assed attempt.

Roxas gave me a dubious look, then tugged one of those Squeenix tissue packs out of his pocket and handed me one. "You're pathetic."

I glowered at him as I pinched the bridge of my nose. "Fuck you," I said. "I've already heard that enough from Ven, today. God, one of you is enough…"

Roxas rolled his eyes. "Shut up," he drawled. "Anyway, we're almost at the supermarket," he said, pointing at a large building on the next block.

I nodded slowly, then paused to look around at our surroundings—a bunch of little stores and restaurants—only to realise that I had no idea how we'd gotten here. "Uh…" I gave Roxas a shit-eating grin. "Where are we?"

He rolled his eyes again. "We just passed the schools and Castle Gates," he explained. "We're heading out onto Postern.

I gave him a blank look. "Oh." I paused. "What?"

He sighed in a way that reminded me of my mom—y'know, when she's bemoaning me 'n' Reno's stupidity—but mostly Reno's. "You exit Rising Falls by making a right, pass the schools, make a left onto Castle Gates, then—oh, for God's sake, just buy a map!" he suddenly barked, his temper flaring in a way befitting of Ven.

I quickly jumped away from him. "Ven!" I exclaimed, eyes wide, "I knew it was you, you sick bastard!"

Roxas gave me one of those daggered glares. He kicked open the supermarket's glass door and stormed in. "If I was the real Ven," he mused, "you'd be dead by now—and missing some…vital parts of your anatomy," he said loftily, looking a little too happy to be healthy—for me, anyway.

I cringed and forced a plastic smile on my face. "Did I call you Ven?" I asked incredulously, ignoring the derisive look he was giving me. "How silly of me!" I said overenthusiastically. "You're much too cute to be that insensitive asshole," I cooed, pinching his cheeks like my mother had pinched Sora's.

Roxas' cheeks flamed and he slapped my hands away. "Fuck you," he muttered, shuffling away and ducking into one of the aisles.

I grinned and skipped after him. "Roxasssss," I sang loudly as I chased him around into the aisle, "You know you're cute!" I was so busy being annoying that I didn't even realise I'd walked into him.

Roxas groaned and spun around, looking mildly pissed. "Watch where you're going, Axel," he griped before turning back toward the blue-haired chick who had been standing behind him. "Sorry about that," he said tiredly. "Ignore him," he said, jerking his thumb in my direction, completely disregarding my sputters of protest.

She smiled a bit and shrugged. "It's not a problem," she said pleasantly, tucking some of her short hair behind her ears. She glanced over Roxas' shoulder and spotted me. "Is this guy giving you any trouble, Roxas?" she asked, sizing me up in an almost predatory way. I felt like bolting from her. She was fucking scary…

Roxas peered over at me impassively. I gave him a pleading sniffle. Roxas! I screeched in my head, Please, don't sic your crazy friends on me!

After a moment, he shrugged and moved slightly so he could face me and the girl at the same time. "Nah, he's just my new neighbour," he said lightly, apparently having relaxed.

The girl looked confused. "New neighbour? Who moved?"

"Ursula," Roxas replied with a satisfied grin.

She pursed her lips in displeasure. "That witch?" When Roxas nodded heartily, she let out a sigh. "You got lucky," she remarked. "What made her suddenly decide to leave?"

Roxas shrugged. "I guess she got tired of Demyx and Marluxia playing all those pranks on her 'poopsies.'"

The girl snorted. Then she gave me a long look. "So," she said, sounding more curious than instigating, "who are you, then?"

I grinned widely. "I'm Axel van Alderliesten," I said grandly, making a sweeping bow. When I rose, the girl was smiling amusedly. "And who might you be?" I asked in an overly polite voice.

(I'm pretty sure Roxas coughed something that sounded like 'idiot.')

She laughed softly and extended her hand to shake mine. "I'm Aqua Zabat," she said as I shook her hand energetically. She nodded toward Roxas, "I'm one of the best friends of Roxas' brother."

I felt myself pale. "You're friends with Ven?" I croaked, feeling the world spin.

Aqua chuckled. "I see you've met him." She gave me a sympathetic smile. "He does have that effect on people."

Roxas sniggered. "So do a pair of hungry Carnotaurus," he guffawed.

Aqua stifled a laugh. "Indeed," she said, shielding her smile. "Anyway," Aqua said, "I don't want to distract you two, so I'll be on my way." She held up a half-filled grocery basket. "I still have some shopping to do," she explained sheepishly.

I nodded soberly. "I would hate to distract you from your duties," I said nobly, making Roxas give me a disbelieving look.

Aqua smiled brightly. "Same to you," she said cheerfully. "I'll see you two around, I suppose." She moved to exit the aisle, but before she did, she turned back to Roxas. "You should bring him by Moonbucks some day during my shift."

Roxas rolled his eyes. "Like he needs any more caffeine or sugar."

I pouted at him.

Aqua laughed and waved us off as she left.

Roxas and I watched her go. Once she was gone, I grinned at Roxas. "She's pretty hot."

A strange mix of both amusement and repulsion passed over his face. "You're such a pig," he said at last with an exasperated sigh, a grin on his face.

I leered. "Am I a hot pig?"

Roxas snorted, shaking his head. "Forget what I said. You're not a pig. You're just impossible."

When I came home about two hours later with a couple dozen bags of groceries (mostly cookies) and a black eye, I was a little annoyed to find that my family wasn't too surprised.

In fact, it was almost like they had expected it, more than anything.

Assholes.

"So, Axel," Mom said, making no attempt to help me bring the groceries into the kitchen. "Who gave you the shiner?" She found this hilarious. I swear, she shouldn't be qualified to be a mother. So unsympathetic.

"It wasn't Ven, was it?" Reno asked with a smirk as he dug into the bags, probably searching for condoms—not that he ever had the opportunity to use them. (OH! BURRRRNNNN!)

"No," I snapped. "It was Roxas."

Mom looked surprised. "Really?" she asked, pulling out a box of those artistically frosted "Eat Me" cookies. (Y'know, those cookies are mad addicting. Once you start eating them, you can't stop eating them until you're, like, five sizes bigger.) Mom ripped the box open and immediately set to nibbling on her first cookie. "That's strange," she mused. "Sora and Riku told me that Roxas is usually very level-headed unless provoked." Her face darkened as she gave me a suspicious look that sent me reeling. "What'd you do to the poor boy, you sick bastard?" she demanded, shoving a cookie in my mouth. "If you've upset him in any way, there'll be hell to pay!"

God damn it! Why can't she be this protective over me when I'm the victim!

I quickly took the cookie out of my mouth and spluttered out a reply. "It wasn't my fault! How was I supposed to know that Roxas doesn't take well to sexual advances!"

Mom choked on her cookie.

Reno merely gave me a wry smirk. "Easy there, Ass-el," he jeered. "Not everyone molests their friends and calls it love."

I bared my teeth at him. "Right," I said loudly. "That's just you and your friends. My bad."

Reno snorted and flipped me off.

Mom, who had just been working on getting the mouthful of cookie out of her windpipe, threw me a half mortified, half intrigued look. "What the hell did you do to him?"

"I already told you, Mommy," I said, giving her a kicked-puppy look and wibbling my lower lip to make it look more convincing. "Roxas gave me a booboo."

Mom sighed and wiped the cookie crumbs off her fingers using Reno's shirt as a napkin, completely ignoring his squawk of indignation. "Axel, love," she said in that condescending voice she normally reserved for when she talked about sex, drugs, and make-up. "Roxas is from a different family and lifestyle. You can't impose the banter that you share with Reno with him."

Reno looked disgusted. "Ew, Mom, that's not cool. I dunno about Axel, here, but I'm not into incest. Anyway, Axel and I would never be able to mock-flirt with each other."

I nodded fervently in agreement. "Yeah, Mom. He's right. Nobody would believe a hot piece of ass like me would be dating that fugly douchebag."

"HEY!"

Mom folded her arms across her chest and gave us reproving stares. "I'm serious, Axel," she said, actually sounding serious for once. "I don't want to be making a bad impression on Sora and Riku—or their children, for that matter."

"What's the big deal?" Reno asked, looking generally interested as he licked some cookie frosting off his fingers in an NC17 sort of way. "It's not like they're trying to be saints for us. You saw that demon, Ven."

I shuddered and Mom frowned.

"Sora and Riku told me that he was having some relationship trouble, you two should be more sympathetic," she sniped. "After all, it's not like either of you have been able to hold down a girlfriend—or boyfriend, for that matter—for more than five minutes."

Reno gave me a sideways leer. "It's 'cause they always manage to hold me down," he cackled.

I gave him a horrified look. "Like I really needed to know that!" I groaned, clawing at my eyes, screeching about the horror of the unwanted mental images. It was like mind-rape.

Mom smacked him upside the head. "Oh, shut up, you two." She gave me a last look. "Axel," she said, "I want you to apologise to Roxas. I don't care whose fault it was."

I opened my mouth to protest that it wasn't my fault that he got overly sensitive, but she wouldn't hear another word of it. She just wanted to eat dinner.

"Dude," Reno said as he sifted through the grocery bags. "Didn't you get anything dinner-worthy? All I can find are cookies, cinnamon sticks, and pomegranate juice."

I blinked. Oops. "I knew I forgot something…" I said sheepishly, cowering under Mom's furious glare. "Can't we just order a pizza or something?" I asked feebly.

"Yeah," Reno piped up, surprising me with his unexpected back up. "I saw a good Chinese place on Postern. I'm pretty sure they do delivery."

Mom glared at me for another second before relenting with a sigh and going for the phone book.

The doorbell rang roughly forty minutes later, and because Reno and my Mom were way too engrossed in the NSL—the National Struggle League—match that was on, they forced me to get up and answer the door. (It was the Twilight Town Dusks vs. the Midgar Materia. Obviously, we were cheering for Midgar's team. 'Cause once you ignore the fact that they always lose, they're fucking sweet.)

When I opened the door, a slender and rather distracted looking Chinese guy was standing there, balancing the bag of delivery in his hands and shifting his weight every now and then from one leg to the other. When he noticed that I had opened the door, he jumped slightly and all but forced the paper bag into my arms.

"Sorry—" he began in a sheepish, feminine voice before quickly cutting himself off and practically hacking out a lung. "I mean," he tried again, this time his voice sounded overly deep and gruff. "I mean, sorry that took so…uh…fucking long," he stammered, embellishing an unusual amount of stress on the word 'fucking.' "But, uh, y'know how it is…stupid bitches in the kitchen were taking so long to, uh, fry your rice…"

I raised an eyebrow at him and he let out a nervous stream of high-pitched laughter, visibly sweating bullets.

"Eh heh… What's up with that, right?" he coughed loudly. "Those goddamn women wouldn't stop…painting their nails and…stuff…" He gave me a rather strained smile. "Stupid chicks don't know their place…beneath us guys…"

I snickered and he paled, as if just realising what he'd just said.

"Oh, God," he mumbled, his voice relaxing and becoming softer in more ways than one as he wiped sweat from his brow, "that came out so wrong…"

I laughed. "Don't worry about it—" I squinted at his name tag "—Ping."

Ping blinked at me, looking confused, before his eyes suddenly went wide and he nodded jerkily. "Right!" he yelped, looking panicked. "Ping! My name is Ping."

I gave him a long, steady look. He seemed to be a few gummis short of a ship, to me. I gave a tentative smile and carefully gave him the payment for the Chinese food before quickly closing the door on him.

What a psycho bastard.

"Who was that?" Reno asked, his eyes never leaving the television screen as Twilight Town's totally gay MVP, Setzer, totally decimated our guy.

"The delivery boy from Land of Dragons," I said, dropping the bag of food on the coffee table.

Reno blinked and shot to the table and immediately snatched a carton of Mushu pork and started ripping into it like a rabid animal. Mom wrinkled her nose and made a sound of revulsion.

"They took a long time," Reno commented, but because his mouth was full of pork, it sounded more like "Dey fuck ah ong fyme."

I shrugged, handing Mom a carton of lo mein before helping myself to the pork fried rice. "The dude said that the kitchen took a long time cooking up the rice."

Mom hummed in approval. "That's good," she remarked. "That means that this stuff isn't leftovers."

Reno paused in his devouring of pork to give her a contemplative look. "Y'know," he said slowly, "it's probably a freaking good thing that we didn't go over to eat dinner at Sora, Riku, and the blondie brat pack's house."

Mom narrowed her eyes at him. "What are you talking about?"

Reno made a face at her. "Well, I don't think it's too far-fetched to think that that psychopath Ven would have gladly stooped to the level of poisoning my food. Especially if he was the one preparing it," he said obviously.

"Don't be silly, Reno," Mom scoffed.

My brother looked abashed. "Mom!" he cried, "You've met the kid! He wants me dead!"

"So does the rest of the world's population and over a hundred disgruntled Dalmatians," I put in helpfully.

Reno's green eyes widened comically. "How was I supposed to know that their spots weren't coloured in with Sharpie! I was only four!"

Mom shot me a look that said 'not this, again, goddammit.'

"Actually…" Reno paused mid-rant to give me a scrutinising look. "With that black eye, you kinda look like one of those dogs, Axel."

I scowled at him and rose to my feet. "I don't need this…this…" I struggled to think of a word that made me sound like some oppressed victim of the world. "This…thingy," I finished lamely.

Mom looked unimpressed. "'Thingy'?" she repeated, raising her eyebrows. "That's the best you could come up with?" she guffawed.

I glowered at them and spun around on my heel and stormed of to my room.

Then I turned around half-way out the door to go back and take my fried rice with me.

'Cause fried rice is fucking sweet.

I did end up hanging out in my room for the rest of the evening. There really was no point in watching the rest of the Struggle match. Twilight Town always wins—I'm positive that they cheat with steroids or orange juice or something.

I spent the next few hours after I finished eating just organising the shit in my room. Truth of the matter was that Roxas and I had been extremely productive in unpacking, and all that was really left was for me to arrange everything where I wanted it.

I'd just been hanging up my C'leenix—that's Circle-Enix for those of you who aren't quite so video game savvy—logo curtains up when something cold sailed in through my open window and fucking nailed me right in my right eye—my good eye.

"SHIT!" I screeched as I clapped a hand over my newly blooming bruise.

I stared down at the object on the floor that had all but robbed me of my vision. It was an icepack. Go figure.

I stuck my head out the window and looked around, searching for my assassin. But he was nowhere to be seen.

"Oh, fuckity fuck fuck!" a voice groaned from in front of me.

I jerked my head up, nearly bashing my head on the window frame when I raised my head. Roxas was leaning out his window, a guilty expression on his face.

"Roxas?"

"I'm so sorry, man!" he wailed. "I didn't mean to hit you in your other eye—oh, fuuuuuckkkk!" He tugged fretfully on his spiked hair.

I squinted at him through my swollen eyes. "What the fuck are you talking about, dude?"

He let out a dejected sigh and slumped against his window pane. "I felt bad for punching your lights out, earlier—"

I snorted. "It kind of was overkill, considering all I did was grab your ass—"

"In front of my uncle!"

I gave him an abashed look. "How was I supposed to know that your uncle Yahoo worked at the supermarket's butchery?"

"That's Uncle Yazoo," Roxas corrected, pursing his lips. "But that was so uncalled for! Why would you do something like that!"

I gawked at him. "Why are you making such a big deal out of this?" I asked in amazement. "Nobody I know in Midgar would've thrown such a stink."

"That's just the point, Axel," Roxas snapped. "You're not in Midgar, anymore, okay?" I fell silent at this, and his eyes softened. "Look," he said, his voice calming, "I'll admit that I shouldn't have socked you in the eye…I was startled, but that doesn't excuse my actions." He paused and smirked. "I should've listened to Ven and kicked you in the balls."

The expression on my face must've been pretty damn funny, because he laughed.

"Okay," I said slowly. "I forgive you for trying to make me blind in my left eye…"

Roxas let out a sigh of relief.

"But," I cut in, "that doesn't explain why you just tried to take out my right eye, just now."

Roxas laughed awkwardly. "Uh, yeah… Right… Well, um, I was feeling really bad about how I'd hit you, and when I saw your window open, I thought I'd throw an icepack in and you'd get the idea. But then, right after I threw it, you went and showed up right in my line of fire—er, ice." He scratched the back of his head shamefacedly. "Sorry, dude."

I stared blankly at him. Then at the ice pack. Then at him. Then I laughed.

"Dude," I hooted, "that's just too funny." And I just broke down into laughter while Roxas looked mildly annoyed.

He shook his head dismissively, but there was a small half-smile on his face. "Man," he said. "I was right on the money, earlier. You're fucking impossible." And he started laughing with me.

And I'm not really sure what it was about the whole scenario, but it made me feel like there was a warm fire beneath my skin. And I decided that I could get used to this—this whole laughing it up and being a total idiot with Roxas.

It felt…nice.

The Afterword: Uh, WOW. So, maybe the relationship between Roxas and Axel will escalate a lot faster than I previously anticipated. :0 That last bit certainly hadn't been planned…

D8 Axel's totally taken on a life of his own, I'm telling you. He doesn't listen to anything I want him to do, anymore. DX He's completely out of control.

:D In other news, the loverly Aqua made her debut:3 I kind of see her as being a very sensible and all-around tranquil person. :U I think it's her name that's given me that impression. X3 It seems like the name of a rather peaceful person.

:0 Terra will make an appearance, soon! As will a number of other people… :excited:

Actually, this chapter was actually pretty gruelling to write. D: This fic takes a lot out of me. I didn't really notice it with the first chapter, but that's because I was sort of on a sugar-high at the time, I think… :sheepish: Sorry for the long wait, guys… D8

But, anyways, I have a few things that I just wanted to mention…

Firstly, I really was overjoyed with those of you who made comments regarding my love of cheesy anecdotes and references to Disney movies and other Squeenix—in this case, C'leenix—games. (i.e., Alice doing mushrooms.)

Sooooo, I'm hoping those of you who are reading have caught at least a couple of these jokes and have L-O-L'd about them for a bit. X3 If you found some, I'd really love to know which ones you all caught! (There's a bunch, so we'll see how you fare! Ohohoho…)

Just for the record, a lot of you guys saw the whole Castle Soul: String of Recollections and Last Dream and Circle-Enix, bit. But, in order to tie up any loose ends, I'll just say this: Squeenix is to Square-Enix as C'leenix is to Circle-Enix. And if you don't quite get my reasoning behind the whole "C'leenix" thing, then try saying it out loud. Then scroll up to find out what brand of tissues Roxas uses.

8DDD Jesus, I'm such a goddamn loser!

Tell me what you liked, people! Comments and feedback are extremely appreciated!