The Tale of Dresslad: Part Two
By this time, The Pony had become fogged with smoke. All this thanks to the men with never ending supplies of tobacco in their fucking pipes. Dresslad remained in his spot, singing merrily on as his abs galloped with the strength of his diaphragm. He was a strong Dresslad indeed, for any other man could not bear to sing for so long. Though, at the sight of much smoke, his eyes began to water slightly. It could have been for the reason that everyones eyes water at the presence of smoke, but for Dresslad it was a reminder of a treacherous pastime...
"SOME GUY IS SMOKING," He sang passionately, "DONT YOU KNOW THAT GIVES YOU BREAST CANCER? SMOKING IS REALLY BAD, MY MOTHER DIED FROM IT." The heartbreak was evident in his voice, as it quivered and shook with the ghosts of his past, he looked down.
"ITS NOT REALLY FUNNY TO SMOKE IN FRONT OF ME." His head rose dramatically once more, his voice as strong as ever yet. Triumphantly, he continued his song, "CAUSE I'LL BURN THE HEART OUT OF YOU. AND STICK IT ON A SPIKE IN GONDOR."
No one stopped smoking.
"GONDOR HAS A LOT OF SPIKES AND REALLY COOL CLOTHES, THIS DRESS WASNT FROM GONDOR. THATS WHY ITS NOT REALLY COOL. FUCK YOU SUSAN BOYLE."
In the background, a maid Darrla took a low swig from her whiskey and cracked her neck to the side. She shook her head and frowned. "Seems the minstrels aren't getting any better here..." And with that, she turned on her foot and moved out of the main room. No one cared though.
Women.
Slambucket began to dance once more, quite gayly, in fact. Not the happy gay, though. No, no. Slambucket was a boy of Faggor. This was the homosexual kind of dancing. It crossed the minds of few that he kept "dancing like a man" to prove himself a man, but alas, he was a sad little faggorman.
"MORE GAY DANCING," Dresslad sang in commentary, "NOW GIRL IS WALKING AWAY, NOW LADY IN A WITCH HAT IS FOLLOWING HER." Some felt that this was now a sports broadcasting type of event, in which their every move was sung out by the beautiful voice of Dresslad.
But, they were wrong. They were wrong.
The Lady in a witch hat looked back, excusing herself for some reason no one knew nor cared about. Her name was Neferishit- or Neferious. Who fucking knows.
"NEFERIOUS LOOKS LIKE ELLEN DEGENERAS," He bursted out, and the population of the pub nodded in agreement. "THATS REALLY AWKWARD. MAYBE SHE SHOULD LET HER HAIR GROW OUT... PROBABLY A GOOD IDEA."
Leandir says, "Pah. I have outrunned even Brother Alexander's horse." No one points out to Leandir that the correct word was 'outrun'.
"ALEXANDERS HORSE IS DEAD, SAD TO SAY, BUT LUCKILY HE DIED IN THE DOTHRAKI WAY." Dresslad was pleased with his rhyme, promising that he would buy himself a slim jim in celebration of this achievement.
Across the room, the doors opened once more. In walked two people, a man who stood tall and was very muscled, with blue eyes and hair, and by his side a lady who stood slender and tall, though not as tall as he. She had brown hair and grey eyes. The eyes of a Stark, no one thought.
Dresslad knew who these two were though, and so he sang once more. "ONCE THERE WAS A GIRL ARYA, SHE HAD REALLY GAY HAIR. AND THEN THERE WAS A GUY NAMED GENDRY, HE WAS PRETTY GAY TOO."
They started to cry.
"AND THEN THEY STARTED TO CRY. I'D SAY I'M SORRY TO ARYA AND GENDRY- ONLY I'M NOT."
"AND THEN THERE WAS A BITCH NAMED DAN. WELL HER NAME WAS ACTUALLY DANY, BUT I CALL HER DAN BECAUSE FUCK HER..." No one caught his actual mistake in typing, and he padded himself on the back mentally for the save. And then thought, what the fuck I cannot type, this is Middle Earth... "AND SHE GOT RAPED ON HER WEDDING NIGHT."
Dresslad was slapped once more on the cheek by a wench of the name of Adenavae. What a weird ass name, he thought to himself, she must have had to get "creative" with the name whilst making a character, because the one she wanted was taken. Fuck...
"NEXT STORY IS ABOUT A HEAD, SITTIN ON A SPIKE, THE HEAD STRANGELY LOOKS A LOT LIKE MINE... ONLY ITS NOT."
It was.
"THEN THERE WAS A GUY NAMED DROGO HE DIDNT DIE IN A MANLY WAY OH AND JUST SO YOU ALL KNOW, I'M NOT TALKIG ABOUT FRODOS DAD." He really wasn't. "I'M TALKING ABOUT A BIG GUY WHOS REALLY VERY GAY."
Dresslad sings, 'AND NOW THERES A GIRL NAMED SANSA WHO'S WAY TOO TALL FOR HER AGE. BITCH DOESNT EVEN LOOK 13. SHES ACTUALLY WAY TOO HOT TO BE 13." A million miles away, Ned Stark shivers.
Behind Dresslad, a man stood. This scared dear Dresslad greatly, for he screamed out in song, "OMG WHERE TH FUCK DID THAT GUY BEHIND ME COME FROM? THAT ONE WHO LOOKS LIKE A GIANT TURD. HOW THE HELL DID HE GET BEHIND ME? THIS IS JUST ABSURD." Another slim jim to add to the list.
Another man, by the name of Welduf (Wtf), sighed. "Sigh, you may fire when ready commander. *Reports*." No one knows how he was able to speak two stars before and after the word "reports", and perhaps no one ever will.