Map of the Problematique (Muse)
I woke up, still curled into Edward's chest. His arms were around me and our legs were entwined. I couldn't see the clock and hoped we still had a few more minutes to lie together before the day started. Edward and I hadn't gotten much sleep the night before, but every yawn I would have to stifle today would be worth it. I smiled into his chest as I replayed the events of the night from the minute I arrived home until we fell asleep wrapped in each other's arms over and over again. I nuzzled deeper into his chest and let out a contented sigh. I felt Edward tighten his hold around me and nuzzle his face into my hair.
"Good morning, beautiful," he mumbled and pulled me so that I was on top of him.
"Mmmm, it is a very good morning." I gave him a lingering kiss, relishing the feel of our lips pressed together.
"Why Mrs. Cullen, did last night not thoroughly wear you out?" he teased, pushing his hips up slightly.
I snickered into his mouth and slid down his body, peppering him with kisses until I reached his erection, which was painfully straining against his boxers. I might not be able to fix much at the moment, but I knew that was something I could remedy. A few minutes later, I was back at Edward's side. It was time for him to get ready for work, and neither one of us wanted him to leave the comfort of our warm bed.
"Alas, sick children await," he said as he sat up and ran his fingers through his hair.
I made my best pouty face at him and gave him one more kiss before falling back into the bed. We got ready for work in companionable silence. Before he left, Edward promised to be home as early as possible before giving me a peck on the lips and dashing out the door.
On the way to work, I thought about my recent conversation with Jasper, and the work he asked me to do before we met again.The thought of the assignment I had to work on made my stomach drop. Thinking about the things I wanted to experience on my own was both terrifying and thrilling. The part that made my stomach drop was talking to Edward about the whole situation. I wasn't sure that he would be able to understand. Edward had known who he was and what he wanted out of life since he was born. Luckily, Jasper had given me a reprieve so I would stick that thought in the box with all the others and stick my head back in the sand for a little longer. It seemed that ever since I had made the decision to talk to Jasper, my mind was constantly playing a game of tug-of-war. I just hoped I was strong enough that when the time came, I would be able to make the right decision for me.
The week went by in a blur, Edward had kept his promise to work less, and it felt wonderful to be spending quality time with him again. Jasper and I were scheduled to have dinner on Thursday night, so of course, I waited until my lunch hour that day to begin making my list. I figured that since things seemed to be going much better with Edward and me, I would ditch the first list for now. I sat with my notepad in my lap, but my mind was suddenly blank. The assignment felt like trying to get a blind person to describe color. I wrote 'Finding Bella Cullen,' across the top of the page. I decided to start my list just writing down what popped into my head and go from there.
Never kissed anyone else
Chose a college based on where Edward was going
Never dated anyone else
Never lived alone or with anyone besides my parents or Edward
Stopped riding my motorcycle because Edward thought it was too dangerous
Sold my truck because Edward didn't think it was "appropriate" for the city
I only had six things on my list and already the pattern had become apparent. My life had revolved around him from the first day we met. I loved riding my motorcycle. Granted, I did have my share of spills, but it was something I found pleasure in. And, I stopped for Edward. I loved my old Chevy truck, but Edward didn't think it was appropriate for Chicago so I sold it, once again, for him. Edward, Edward, Edward. The more I thought about my life, the angrier I became at myself. There were so many times I could have stood up to him, but giving in was easier than arguing. I was trying my hardest not to be mad at Edward. It is part of his nature to protect and guide, and it was my responsibility to let him know when he was taking things too far. I didn't and now I was paying the price. The lunch hour was almost over, and I really couldn't bear to work on the list any longer, so I shoved the notepad in my purse and headed back to my classroom.
That night, instead of going to the YMCA, I met Jasper at Gino's. He had managed to get us a booth in the back of the restaurant. A Diet Coke was already waiting for me when I slid into the booth. I nervously fiddled with my glass as Jasper talked on the phone. It was obvious he was talking to Alice, and even though there was no way for her to know I was sitting across from him, I was terrified. I was not ready for our meetings to become common knowledge in the family, especially not before I told Edward. The snap of Jasper closing his cell phone shook me out of my thoughts.
"Hey, Bella. How have you been?"
"Pretty good, actually. Edward and I had a bit of a break through last week," I said, not able to hide the smile fighting to break out.
"Really, that's great. Would you care to tell me about it?"
The waitress interrupted my answer. Jasper and I both ordered and when the waitress had left, I continued.
"There's really not a lot to tell. I came home from our meeting last week and Edward was cooking dinner. He said that he realized he had been neglecting me and our marriage and promised to be around more. He's still going to work early in the morning, but is home for dinner every night and hasn't opened his laptop once."
"So you're feeling better about your relationship compared to the last time we met," Jasper stated.
"I'm cautiously optimistic. Things have been great for the past week. It's been wonderful spending time together and actually talking. But, it's only been one week, so I guess I will just keep my fingers crossed."
Jasper smiled and said, "I'm glad you're keeping your expectations realistic, but if I know Edward he will keep his promise. Your happiness is very important to him…" His words trailed off awkwardly as he took in the pained expression on my face. "Bella, what did that statement make you feel?"
I couldn't seem to take my eyes off my lap as I answered Jasper. "I know that Edward wants me to be happy more than anything, that's what makes all of this so hard. I'm going to end up hurting him, and he'll take it if he believes it is what I need to be happy." I took a deep breath, looked at Jasper and continued, "Being happy, having things good between us, it just makes all of this so much harder."
I could see Jasper the therapist and Jasper the brother-in-law warring over how to respond to my statement. He closed his eyes for a moment and then asked me about my list.
My traitor blush crept up my cheeks, "It isn't very long; I kind of just started working on it today," I admitted. Grabbing the crumpled piece of paper out of my pocket, I leaned forward and dropped it on the table in front of him. He chuckled softly as he took in the wadded mess. After taking time to smooth it out, he glanced down briefly and looked up at me.
"This is a good start. I know what I asked you to do wasn't easy. I don't want you to put so much pressure on yourself that you run backwards instead of forwards." He paused for a brief moment to look back down at the list. "Tell me, why numbers one through three the first things that you thought about."
"Um, I don't know…they just popped in my head. I guess it all goes back to that part of my mind that keeps asking me how I could possible know that Edward is the one if I have never been with anyone else." The words left a sour taste as they left my tongue. "It sounds so wrong to even be thinking about the possibility of being with anyone but Edward. It's all so confusing. I think I know, but how do I know that I know if I have never known anything else," I said, confusing even myself.
The waitress suddenly appeared with the food. I was ravenous and glad for the chance to take a step back and focus on something other than my issues. Jasper and I talked more about the choices I had made in my past, and how they were affecting who I was today. I was surprised I could finish my food considering the topic of conversation, but before I realized it, my plate was empty. Jasper pushed his plate away and pulled a folded piece of paper out of his jacket.
"Your assignment for next week. You don't need to write your answers down, but look over the questions and we can talk over your thoughts over dinner."
I nodded and took the paper from his hand, not bothering to look at it. "So, if that covers the first three items on my list…" I said, not sure that I really wanted to talk about the second half of my list. As silly as it seemed, thinking about those three little sentences opened up all of those scary parts in my mind that I had fought so long to keep closed.
"When you think about getting rid of your motorcycle and selling your truck, how does that make you feel?" Jasper asked.
"Angry," I replied. I was angry at being weak, angry at always giving in. At the time I thought it was easier than fighting. Nothing about the situation I now found myself in was easy.
"Angry at Edward?" he probed.
"No, angry at myself. Just because Edward thinks I should do something, that doesn't mean I should just cave in and do it," I said. I thought about what I had just said, and the more I thought, the more I realized that I was angry with Edward. "You know, Edward does deserve some of the blame here."
I saw Jasper's forehead rise, but before he could speak I exploded. "I might be guilty of giving in to Edward, but he's guilty of pushing me and pushing me until I caved. He always thinks he knows what's best for me and pushes until he gets his way. If it doesn't fit into his neat, orderly world he figures out a way to either make it fit or make it go away. How did I never see how fucked up that is before?" I shook my head in equal disgust at myself and Edward. "I know he loves me, but for the first time I'm wondering if he has ever really trusted me."
"I think that's a question you need to ask Edward," Jasper said. "If you have never questioned him about his propensity to second guess your judgment, I think it is fair to assume that he is unaware that his actions have caused you harm."
Realizing the truth in Jasper's words, I tried to tone down my anger at Edward. It was wrong for him to control me, but I couldn't expect him to read my mind either. "You're right, and I know I need to talk to Edward about this… when the time is right."
"Bella, when exactly will the time be right? When he second guesses one of your decisions and you blow up at him?" he asked. "This is not a conversation you can put off, not if you're serious about being your own person and preserving your marriage."
"I know, and I will talk to him soon. I don't want to think about leaving him. I really want to try to figure out who I am and make our marriage better at the same time," I said.
"As someone who knows you both very well, I hope that separation is not an option you have to seriously entertain," Jasper replied in a strained voice. "I am going help you as much as I can Bella, but 99% of the work is up to you."
"I know Jasper," I sighed, "So, I guess I'll see you next week?" I asked.
"Well, technically you will see me Sunday at Carlisle and Esme's house, but yes, I will see you next week. Same time, same place?" He reached for the check, gently swatting my hand away as I tried to put money on the table.
I insisted on paying for dinner next week, and we parted knowing that we would see each other again in only a few days' time. Another session with Jasper and still more questions than answers. I drove home on auto-pilot, trying to decide when to talk to Edward about the whole 'control' issue. I promised Jasper I would have this conversation, but the knot that formed in my stomach when I thought about it came back with a vengeance. I spent the short walk from my car to the townhouse composing myself. I knew at some point I would need to tell Edward that I was in unofficial counseling with his brother-in-law, but I wasn't ready for that conversation either.
As soon as I walked in the door, the aroma of Chinese food hit me. Edward was sitting on the couch with a variety of take-out containers littering the coffee table in front of him.
"I had intended to cook, but I had a very long day. Two kids barfed on me, one mother spent a half an hour berating me for being a shitty doctor, and I'm behind with the journal article, so Chinese it is," he said. From the slump of his shoulders and the half smile he gave me when I walked in the door, I could tell he was feeling pretty down.
I hadn't thought of the fact that Edward might have prepared dinner. Another round of guilt hit me as I realized I would have to make up another lie to cover the fact that I wasn't hungry. Tonight, I hoped deflecting him from the issue would work.
I walked over to the couch and sat down behind Edward and started to rub his back. "I'm sorry you had a bad day," I said as I moved my hand from his back and began massaging his scalp. "Is there anything I can do that would make you feel better?"
"I'm feeling better already," he replied and leaned his head back into my hand. "How was your day?" he asked, closing his eyes and leaning his head back.
"Compared to yours I would say it was great," I joked. "I only had to send one student to the principal's office today and no one threw up on me."
We spent the rest of the evening on the couch, watching television and cuddling. I didn't have the heart to start any deep conversations with Edward after the day he had, so I resolved to put our conversation off for one more day. That night as we lay in bed I decided to take a look at my assignment for next week's session. After Edward had fallen asleep, I took the piece of paper Jasper had given me out of the notebook beside my bed. The title on the page read "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay – 36 Questions for Examining Your Relationship."
This sounds like a fun assignment. If I need to answer 36 questions to figure out whether I'm in the right relationship, something tells me I'm not, I thought sarcastically and crumpled up the paper.
I knew Jasper would lecture me next week for not taking his assignment seriously, but I just couldn't understand how it would help my particular situation. The more I thought about it, the more I was convinced that any problems in our marriage were more due to my own self doubts and fears than a lack of love or companionship. I looked over and watched Edward sleep for a bit before curling up beside him and falling asleep myself.
The weeks passed quickly, and Jasper and I continued to meet every Thursday night for dinner. I felt horrible for lying to Edward. He now thought I was going out to eat with some other teacher's from work. But, I was still too scared to confront him with everything I had been working on with Jasper. And, things at home had been good. There had been a little backsliding – Edward worked at home far more than I liked, but we were still spending more quality time together than we had in a long time.
It was time for another family brunch, and for some reason I felt nervous to be surrounded by Edward's family. I was holding back so much from all of them, and I was afraid of what would happen to my relationship with them when it all came out. The drive out to his parent's was quite, and when
Edward pulled the Volvo into the driveway, I saw that Esme was on the front porch waiting for us. Once out of the car, Edward took my hand as we walked up to greet his mother. She informed us that the rest of the family was already there and waiting for us to arrive so that brunch could be served.
I was nervous about seeing Jasper, but my fears were put to rest when he gave me his normal greeting and grabbed Edward to head outside and join the guys. I had a lot of catching up to do with Esme, Rosalie and Alice, so we headed to the kitchen together. We finished up brunch and brought the food out to the table, all the while talking about what had been going in our lives since we last saw each other.
After brunch, I volunteered to clear the table and clean up, since Rose and Alice had been there early enough to help Esme cook. I expected Edward to join me, but instead Jasper rose from his chair and volunteered to help. I wasn't sure that I liked the idea of being alone with Jasper, so I decided to concentrate on cleaning and hope that he made nothing more than idle conversation. I had just started loading dishes into the dish washer when he spoke up.
"So, how are things going?" he asked.
"Good, Edward has been wonderful, we really seem to be in a good spot," I replied.
"So I take it you haven't talked to him about the fact that you are seeing me or any of the other issues we've discussed?" His voice was low, but I was still concerned about someone overhearing our conversation.
"Jasper, isn't this why we're meeting once a week," I hissed. "No, I haven't said anything to Edward yet. I really don't feel like causing waves when we are getting along really well."
"You can't just keep your head stuck in the sand forever. If you want to figure things out, you're going to have to talk to Edward eventually," he quipped. Now I was irritated, all I had wanted was an enjoyable day with my family and Jasper had turned it into the Spanish Inquisition.
"I'm not talking about this today." I could feel the tears forming behind my eyes. "I know that I'm going to have to talk to Edward at some point, but I don't even know what I would say to him. I don't want to make things any more confusing than they already are," I said and slammed a sauce pan down on the counter.
Jasper stood directly in front of me, hunching over slightly so that his eyes were locked on mine. "Bella, do you even want to figure out who you are? I'm beginning to wonder why you came to see me in the first place," he spat the words at me, and the tears I was holding back broke free.
Of course, Edward picked that moment to walk into the kitchen. I'm sure we made quite a sight. Jasper, looking angry and exasperated and me, red faced and crying. "What the hell is going on in here?" he asked, striding towards me. Before he could pull me into an embrace, I ducked around him and ran out of the room. On my way out the door I could hear Edward repeat his question, and Jasper quietly tell him that he needed to talk to me.
I ran to the upstairs bathroom and locked the door. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fucking Jasper, I thought as I splashed cool water on my face and tried to get in control of my emotions. I had no idea what to do now. Should I make something up? No, I didn't want to lie to Edward. Could I tell him the truth? I still wasn't sure what to tell him. That I was unhappy with myself was not in doubt, but explaining the why to Edward was going to be difficult. He was very practical and very analytical. His was a world of black and white where everything had an explanation. The sadness and fear I felt in my soul was a muddle of grays that I didn't fully understand myself. All I knew was that I was tired of feeling this way. I was tired of being unhappy with myself but too scared to do anything about it. I was tired of fearing that I would lose Edward, yet knowing that I might have to in order to find the answers I sought. I had to tell Edward the truth and hope that he would understand.
I just sat in the bathroom, leaning my head against the cool tile wall and trying to figure out what to say to Edward when he found me. When it became apparent that I was not going to have an epiphany anytime soon, I decided to quit hiding and look for Edward. I was surprised that he hadn't come looking for me, in fact, I was downright scared. I made my way back downstairs and immediately noticed how quiet it was in the house. It is never a good sign when even Emmett is quiet. It didn't take long to figure out the house was quiet because everyone had left. Esme was in the living room reading a book. When I walked into the room, she motioned me to sit beside her on the couch.
I sat down, but didn't really know what to say. I had no idea what had transpired after I left the kitchen, but considering everyone had left, I assumed it wasn't good.
"Bella, Edward and Jasper had a rather heated argument in the kitchen. Would you like to talk about it?" she asked.
"I'm so sorry, Esme. This is all my fault. Edward must be pretty upset with me; I was sure he would look for me," I said. "And, I should talk to him first. This whole situation never would have happened if I would have been honest with him in the first place."
She gave my shoulders a squeeze and said, "Edward is out back with Carlisle. I think he's more confused than angry. He couldn't understand why Jasper wouldn't tell him what was going on…"
"Thanks, I'm going to find Edward and then I think we'll head out. It's probably best we have this discussion at home." With one last hug to Esme, I stood up and made my way out of the living room. My legs felt like lead as I walked into the patio and found Edward and Carlisle playing chess. Edward looked over at me, leaned forward to speak to Carlisle, and then made his way over to me.
"Bella, you need to tell me what's going on," he said. "Jasper refused to tell me anything, and the fact that he knows something about you that I don't," he paused, pinching the bridge of his nose. "The fact that you told something to Jasper instead of me…Bella, I can't take not knowing what's going on with you."
"Let's go home, Edward," I replied and took his hand in mine. We didn't speak on the car ride home. I knew Edward was going crazy, but I just couldn't bring myself to talk. My mouth felt like the Sahara desert and my heart was pounding so hard I was afraid that if I opened my mouth it would pop out. All too soon we were home, and I knew there was no more stalling. I just prayed that Edward would understand.