Chapter Two
Pain
When Kurt's eyes filled, he couldn't stop crying. He'd buckled down on his knees, sobbing full on as if he'd lost something he'd cared for deeply.
He didn't even know what had been going on. He looked up to see the ghastly Sebastian, but he seemed to disappear. The room was suddenly warmer, but Kurt's blood had run cold. He looked back at the corpse, taking it in for all it was.
Sebastian's skull was cracked open. The contents were spilled out onto the carpet. His face was incredibly white, his carpet covered with his blood. He had been wearing his Dalton uniform. Ties, blazer, belt, trousers, and loafers but everything was soaked in blood.
Everything smelled so potent. The scent was suffocating Kurt, and it was leaving him feeling like he was going to be sick all over the place.
He'd wondered where the ghost had gone, or perhaps, if he'd dreamed of the floating Sebastian. His head was pounding as tears ran down his face. He'd nearly wanted to hug Sebastian's body, the motionless body on the ground that was showing no signs of life.
He knew it was futile, but Kurt looked for a pulse anyway. He wasn't surprised when he couldn't find one.
Kurt reached over to stroke Sebastian's face. His skin was rubbery and thick. The room smelled very strong of blood, so this must had been a while ago. Kurt's stomach sloshed at the thought of the fact that perhaps nobody checked up on Sebastian regularly.
If Kurt had been unresponsive for a few hours to text messages and calls, then everyone around him would assume the worst had happened to him and only be filled with relief (and yes, anger) when realising that that was not the case at all.
He'd placed his hand on Sebastian's shoulder. He'd realised he'd never hugged Sebastian. He didn't know why that mattered. He loathed Sebastian. He was okay with the fact that he might never see the meerkat again a few hours ago, but he suddenly wasn't. There were nights where he'd been angry enough to wish for Sebastian's death.
Somehow, those nights seemed to pop back up in Kurt's mind and he felt himself feeling close to retching.
He felt like this was his fault somehow, like he was the one that had shot Sebastian. Whom would've done something like this to him? Kurt may have dreamed up some lucid plans for revenge, but he'd never thought to kill him. Just the thought made Kurt's chest tighten and his heart ache.
He wanted to call someone. Blaine, Mercedes, Rachel—anyone, but he wouldn't have had a reason to go to Sebastian's house.
He found Sebastian's phone on the table and had slowly crawled to it. Perhaps, he could send a text to Blaine's phone, or one of the Warbler's. Just as Kurt was crawling towards the table, he'd heard a voice from behind him that made him jolt in surprise.
"You touch my phone, Hummel, and I swear that I'll break you."
Kurt turned to look at the floating Sebastian. He was furious and still looked rather weak and exhausted. He'd stopped hovering, returning to the ground. Kurt couldn't stop staring at Sebastian's head injury. It just looked so wrong, and it was just so real.
Kurt stopped reaching for the phone and was looking back at the corpse. "I've never hugged you before."
Sebastian was laughing. "Hummel, are you seriously crying over the fact that you've never hugged me before or whatever?" the tone in his voice was light.
Kurt's heart sunk heavy as his body shook from rage. "No! I'm crying over the fact that you are dead, Sebastian. You are dead and you will never get to graduate school. You'd-you'd never get to grow up, and mature. You'd never be able to be alive."
"So?" Sebastian called out, shrugging. "What do you care?"
Kurt was feeling his blood boil because in a way, Sebastian was implying that Kurt could hate a person enough that he wouldn't care if they dropped dead out of nowhere.
Kurt looked up at Sebastian, his voice dripping with venom as he responded. "Yes, Sebastian, because I'm just so heartless that I spend my nights dreaming of shooting you. I'm so enthusiastic. I'd love to dance on your grave now," just as he responded, his felt his voice slipping away and his throat burning.
His eyes filled again and his hands were shaking. "How…how long have you been…?"
"Dead?" Sebastian snorted. "A week, Hummel."
"What?" Kurt's throat was hurting him right now as he put his hand on his mouth. He felt the tears fall down even harder. The excessive crying was making Kurt's head pound all the more. Kurt wondered how much longer it would have taken for Sebastian's body to be discovered if Sebastian didn't lead him here.
Kurt's voice was rough when he spoke again. "What happened? Did you tick off a homicidal maniac?"
Sebastian just glared over at Kurt, obviously not willing to talk about what happened.
"What happened?" Kurt repeated again when Sebastian didn't answer his question. His voice was stronger and clearer then, just to indicate he wanted an answer.
Sebastian kept his gaze steady over at Kurt's face. "If I tell you what happened, then you're not allowed to ask any questions about it, okay?" he sounded irritable, as if he just wanted to get it over with.
Kurt nodded his head, unsure if he was ready for the answer.
Sebastian looked down at the ground for a few seconds, snorting to himself as if it was all funny. He then looked up at Kurt's face. It was the most susceptible facial expression he'd ever seen on Sebastian.
"I…" Sebastian looked away from Kurt's face. "I shot myself."
It took a few more seconds for Kurt to digest what Sebastian had just told him. There was no way that Sebastian would have lied about it. There was no way that Sebastian would attempt to make himself weak and vulnerable. It actually happened. Sebastian had attempted to take his own life—no, wait. He succeeded at taking his own life. What Kurt was observing was the shards of a suicide mission.
Kurt was panting when he'd realised that. He felt like the very breath of him had been knocked out. "No," he whispered, as if it was impossible for Sebastian to have killed himself.
He looked back up at Sebastian, noting that Sebastian still wasn't meeting Kurt's eyes. Kurt wanted to ask why, but he realised that even if he did, Sebastian had made it quite adamant that he wouldn't answer any questions related to it. He looked back at the corpse. Sebastian did this to himself—the thought simply wasn't registering to Kurt's mind.
It made him feel like he didn't know Sebastian. Well, that was just it. He didn't know Sebastian Smythe at all.
He could not help but feel an abnormal sense of guilt weighing him down. He felt no more tears filling his eyes, but his nose was stuffed and his head was still pounding dully.
"I'm going to have to call someone, Sebastian," he tried to reason with a ghost.
Sebastian didn't look too happy about it.
Kurt was sitting on his knees, looking at the body. He'd become more accustomed to it now, but the night's events was still a heavy load on his back. "I'll let you choose," he suddenly called out, hoping it would make a difference. "I promise I'll call whomever you tell me to, but it has to be someone."
"I hate you," Sebastian lamely spat out.
Kurt rolled his eyes. Sebastian was being childish, but he could understand why he wouldn't want to call anyone. Calling someone would mean subjecting them to the sight. He'd wondered if Sebastian would tell Kurt to call Blaine, and the thought made him regret his earlier statement.
He didn't know if he could lie to Blaine about why he was there in Sebastian's house in the first place. The only excuse he could think of was that he'd marched down to give Sebastian a piece of his mind, but had found him dead instead. That didn't paint Kurt in a lovely light, but he was willing to endure the unappealing lie if he'd to.
"Okay," Sebastian had come to terms with it. He sighed deeply. "Call my Dad, Hummel."
Kurt wasn't sure how to react to that one. He was glad Sebastian had picked someone, but was not so sure about phoning Sebastian's Father. He didn't even predict how the parent would react.
Kurt had pulled out his phone, only for Sebastian to recite the number. Kurt remembered thinking to himself that it was a hard to remember number before pushing the call button. He was feeling abnormally nervous and was trying to calm himself down.
"Hello?" he heard a brisk, clear voice.
"Is this Mr Smythe?" Kurt asked, realising how strained his voice was.
"Yes," the man responded fluently. "This is Jean Smythe. How may I help you?"
Kurt just blurted it out, not sure if he could find a way to make it sound less painful than it actually was. "It's your son, Sebastian…he's not been answering any calls for a while so I decided to come to your house and…" he was stammering now, swallowing the lump in his throat. "He's dead. I think he shot himself."
He could hear Sebastian heavily panting just beside him.
There was a period of silence. "I will be home in a while. You stay there, alright?" his voice was maintaining an air of control.
Kurt nearly felt that the man was already in denial either or that he honestly believed that there was no possible way that Sebastian would've done it. He'd shut the phone and looked over to see an angry Sebastian that was floating yet again.
"Why the fuck did you have to tell him I shot myself?" Sebastian looked furious. "Why?"
Kurt didn't know how to respond to that. He just sat down on the bed, wondering why Sebastian was so against everyone knowing that this was a successful suicide attempt.
"Just great," Sebastian sounded out, furious. "Just fucking great."
"Maybe if you didn't want anyone to find that this was purely suicide then you wouldn't have…you know, actually done it," Kurt was tired and he didn't even know what he was saying at the point.
He'd watched Sebastian's facial expression change into a more so stunned one.
Kurt was stunned himself at what he'd just said. They waited together, and Kurt looked over at the body. Now, that he was done crying, he could rationally think. The majority of the headache had left him and now, all Kurt wanted was answers to questions that he seemed to constantly ask.
Why would Sebastian Smythe take his own life? It seemed as if things were finally falling into place for him. It had been months after the slushie incident, and the Warblers were alright with Sebastian from what he heard Jeff saying. Jeff had insisted on Sebastian changing into a nicer person, yes, still sarcastic and mean but nicer.
Just as Kurt was lost in his own thoughts, he'd heard walking outside of Sebastian's room. He'd realised that it must have been that Jean had arrived.
"Mr Smythe!" Kurt exclaimed in his loudest voice. "Here!"
He'd heard the footsteps growing closer in his direction. The door had been open and the man grimaced. Kurt looked at Jean, really looked at him and realised that Sebastian actually did not look like his Father at all. The man standing before him was probably his own height, and wore a head of blonde hair. His eyes were blue, nothing like Sebastian's green and he was far more tanned as well.
Jean had strode over to Kurt, his face still apathetic. The younger male had noticed Jean's expression changing as he took in the sight that was just before them.
Jean had practically succumbed to his knees. It looked strange, the businessman that was staining his suit with blood. Jean was shaking quite promptly, staring at Sebastian's body and shaking his head. He'd tried to look for his pulse. It was futile and they both knew it.
"Can you please…um…leave?" Jean's voice was low. "I'm sorry to be rude. It's just—"
"No, no, it's understandable," Kurt nodded his head and stood up. He'd spent too much time with the corpse already, and just wanted to get away. Just as he walked to leave the room, he turned to look at the ghastly Sebastian that was floating. He looked dull and somber.
He wondered if the ghost was going to follow him, but he realised that he probably wouldn't. He felt a compulsion to stand there, waiting for Sebastian to leave.
The second that Kurt had clicked the door shut, he'd heard sobbing. It was loud, and uncontrollable. Kurt's heart practically shattered when he heard it. The sobbing quickly turned to blubbering. The man was simply out of control.
Almost just as Kurt was about to move, Sebastian had materialised in front of him out of nowhere.
Kurt realised that Sebastian really was going to leave with him. He didn't know what to think about that. He just knew that he wanted to go home. He was tired of this and it was all getting far too much for him.
By the time he'd gotten home, he'd just collapsed on his bed. He was aware that Sebastian was floating around in him room. He didn't know if ghosts slept or not, but he thought not.
His thought was proven to be right when he woke up that morning and he'd found that Sebastian was dressed differently – shoes, jeans, a long-sleeved hockey shirt, and another cap on his head to hide his head injury.
He looked angry, and he was trying to hold onto a pencil that was on the table but it seemed to go right through his ghastly fingers. The spirit just got redder at his few attempts at it.
Kurt sat up, realising that last night was not a dream and it had really happened. He realised he'd had to adjust to these living arrangements. Suddenly, he was more than a bit happy that the walls were thick because Kurt and Finn had a habit of singing whenever they wanted, even if it meant three am at night.
Kurt moved towards his closet, yawning. He was proud of himself for adjusting so quickly. He had a ghost in the house and yet, he felt so okay with it. Okay, no, he was still freaking out about it but not as much as last night, so that was a start.
Kurt had leafed through his clothing and picked up a sweater before putting it back. "Why did you decide to show yourself to me?" he suddenly asked, a question that had been on his mind last night.
Sebastian just shrugged. Kurt somewhat believed that.
"I suppose I was just a lucky pick," Kurt concluded, and Sebastian slowly but surely nodded his head. Kurt looked back at him and smiled weakly. He honestly wanted to pry Sebastian open like a locket just to see what was inside, but knew that would be a difficult task.
Kurt picked up another sweater that he was included to wear. It was getting a tad cold, and the sweater was quite warm from what he remembered.
Sebastian decided to change the subject entirely. "What a shitty sweater."
Kurt glared over at Sebastian. "And what do you propose I wear?"
Sebastian moved closer towards Kurt and Kurt felt the coldness instantly. He shuddered, feeling Sebastian's breath on his neck. A spiritual presence that lingered whenever Sebastian seemed to be around.
"What's that?" Sebastian pointed towards a sweater stuffed in the back.
Kurt had reached over to pick it up, a dark blue sweater, plain as it could be. "Satisfied?" Kurt asked, only for Sebastian to nod his head. "Okay, now, please look away so I can change."
"Fat chance," Sebastian called out. "Even if I do 'go away', all I do is become invisible, K. I'm not really gone away. I've never left you since last night."
Kurt wondered what that might've meant, and he felt a little sick thinking that Sebastian was watching him stroke his face, and look for his pulse again and again. He tried to forget about it as hard as he could.
"Did you just call me K?" Kurt asked. "Even when you're attempting to be civil, can you not just call me by my first given name?"
Kurt realised that Sebastian was not going to leave the room or spare him any privacy. He took off his shirt, trying to not think of the fact that Sebastian was assessing him with his eyes. He quickly also took off his pants now that he'd had a burst of confidence.
He felt fairly uncomfortable with Sebastian obviously staring at him.
"You know, Hummel," Sebastian began, his eyes on Kurt's frame. "You're not bad looking."
Kurt accepted that as a high compliment coming from Sebastian Smythe. He'd worn the sweater and a pair of jeans, looking in the mirror. Perhaps, simplicity had its own grace. He picked up a white scarf to wrap around his neck, not for cold purpose as much as just to add a nice clash with the dark sweater.
"Stay here," Kurt suddenly said. "Don't come to school with me."
"And do what? Haunt your room?" Sebastian snorted, as if Kurt was joking when he'd told him that he should stay in the room. "Hummel, it's real fucking boring for me to just sit here waiting for you to come back from school. I might just scare your stepmother."
"Don't you dare," Kurt hissed, glaring at him coldly. "And you're a distraction and you know, I actually do go to school to learn. You're staying here. Find something to do, alright?"
Sebastian just somehow made a pillow materialise out of nowhere and tried to hit Kurt with it. It went through him. All Kurt felt was that much colder when the pillow had passed through him.
"Wait, I want to see you eat." Sebastian said.
"Fine," Kurt found that odd. Could Sebastian eat? Well, he didn't think ghosts could consume anything. He didn't know if Sebastian had a functioning digestive system or anything of that liking. He'd always thought that he couldn't touch ghosts, his hand would just go through them but Sebastian was fairly solid.
However, anything Sebastian seemed to conjure up just went through Kurt. He also saw that Sebastian had an ability to touch real life objects. It might explain why Sebastian didn't just show himself to the cashier and ask for the coffee. The cup would just go through him.
Kurt had sat down by the table. He had a good night's sleep despite last night's events. In fact, last night's events just exhausted him.
Kurt had switched on his phone and realised that Blaine had sent him a message about picking him up that morning. Kurt had typed back, agreeing to it. Blaine asked him if he'd slept well. Kurt said that he did, and was glad to think that it wasn't a lie.
Kurt had picked off two chocolate-chip waffles from the centre plate and smothered them in butter and thick syrup. He felt like comfort food currently.
Finn had already finished with one and had washed it down with orange juice.
Sebastian was floating just opposite to Burt. Just as Burt was talking about work to Carole, Sebastian was mimicking his facial expressions like a child would.
Kurt wouldn't lie. He did chuckle here and there. This was exactly why Sebastian couldn't go to school with him.
"I should learn how to read your thoughts," Sebastian said after a while. "I heard that some ghosts can do that."
Kurt only raised his eyebrow, trying not to appear suspicious around the table by talking to a ghost that only he could see. Kurt picked up a pen and wrote on a napkin. What other ghosts?
Sebastian had floated towards him, levitating just to see what he'd written before he'd answered Kurt's inquiry. "There are tonnes more ghosts than me, Hummel. I'm not the only person in ever that's died. I've been dead for over a week, remember? I was bored as fuck. I met other ghosts and shit, and they told me that some of them can read minds. Like it's something they learn. Other ones could hold shit from the real world. I can do nothing. Fuck."
Kurt used the napkin to wipe away the syrup as not to appear suspicious about why he was so interested in a napkin. He realised it was going to be proven to be fairly difficult, trying to appear normal to other people whilst still entertaining Sebastian.
He'd left to go to school afterwards, giving Sebastian a pointed look as to tell him to go upstairs.
To be fair, Kurt was sad to see that they were separated. Blaine had come over to pick him up and had offered him flowers to make things better. Kurt didn't feel better just because he had flowers. He felt agitated, because Blaine always did this. Blaine always gave Kurt flowers, and chocolates and expected it to be the end of any argument they'd ever had.
However, Kurt wasn't sure what was more irritating. The fact that Blaine had taken their gestures of romance as a way to get out of arguments they had or the fact that the only time that Blaine had shown him a gesture of romance nowadays was to get out of an argument.
Kurt was playing around with the bouquet and had smiled weakly to himself.
"Whoa, bouquet of roses, real sleazy," Kurt heard a familiar voice from behind. His blood immediately boiled. He'd told Sebastian not to come with him!
He looked back at Sebastian, offering him a glare only for Sebastian to smile. "Come on, Hummel, it's not so bad…"
Kurt didn't say anything to that and just let Sebastian whistle to himself. Blaine had noted Kurt's emotional change. "Are you angry about the roses?" he'd asked, raising an eyebrow.
"No, I'm just stressed," Kurt didn't sound like he was happy with anything at the moment.
Blaine looked slightly shocked, but nodded his head. He frowned to himself. "I like your sweater. I've never seen you wear it. It really brings out your eyes."
"Thank you," Kurt said. He could just see Sebastian smiling at that, taking credit for it.
"Simple looks good on you," Blaine reinforced.
"Thank you," Kurt repeated again, his voice a little stressed and dull. He heard Blaine's phone ring and he saw that it was no other than Nick Duval calling. "It's Nick. Do you want me to put him on speaker?"
Blaine nodded his head. Kurt had accepted Nick's call and put him on speaker, leaning backwards.
"Blaine, Blaine, Blaine!" Nick sounded horrified, and Kurt suddenly remembered—Sebastian. He and Jean Smythe were the only that knew that Sebastian was dead. He felt his stomach lurch. He looked over at Sebastian. He also felt like this would be about him.
"Nick?" Blaine's voice was alert. "What's wrong? What happened?"
"It's Sebastian. He's…well, for some time, he hadn't been going to Dalton. From what we'd heard, he'd been sick but yesterday, they found his body, Blaine. He's dead. And from what we know, he shot himself."
Blaine had gone completely silent. He looked incredibly pale.
Sebastian looked slightly shocked when Blaine looked affected by it but had adapted to it quite quickly. Blaine's eyes were filling with tears.
"Oh," he said, his voice weak.
Kurt had cried much during that night, coming to terms with it but even then, he still felt tears prickling at his eyes then. Seeing Blaine's and Nick's reaction somehow made it so real that it just filled him with grief.
They'd gotten to the school parking lot but none of them left the car. Nick was still on the line.
"Do you know why he did it?" Blaine suddenly blurted out.
Kurt hadn't expected an answer, and Sebastian didn't look like he was giving one either.
Somehow, hearing the statement from Sebastian made the tears fall down so much harder from Kurt's cheek. They were going to be late to their first class, but it didn't really matter.
"No," Nick whispered. "They didn't find a note, nothing…I'm pretty sure his Father didn't think it was a suicide either. He thinks someone murdered him but…he was just so sure that Sebastian didn't do it else he'd have left a note."
"No!" Sebastian looked angry now, his eyes were blazing with fury. "I didn't fucking leave a note. And it doesn't mean I didn't off myself, you stupid midget!"
"Why didn't you leave a note?" Kurt had said it in a whisper. His voice had gotten so soft afterwards, but he wanted an answer. He would've risked Blaine asking him about it or hearing his words.
Sebastian just snorted, not answering that question.
Kurt looked back at Blaine whom had looked was thinking. His tear-stained eyes were staring vacantly somewhere. "It makes sense, Kurt," the black-haired male said. "Sebastian wouldn't ever…kill himself. He'd never kill himself. Someone else must've. Sebastian has shady friends and connections. It would…someone else had to."
Sebastian looked sick. Kurt was actually starting to worry for the ghost. "I don't have any shady friends! I don't have any friends period!" Sebastian snapped, his voice cracked and rough.
Kurt wondered how it must have been for Sebastian, to be yelling about his death and Kurt being the only person to hear him. He knew technically Sebastian could make himself show to Blaine, but he didn't.
"I'm going to go to Sebastian's house after school. Are you coming with?" Blaine asked.
Kurt knew if he said no, it would rise suspicion with Blaine so he just nodded his head. He didn't want to seem rude, or heartless. He also did want to see how Jean Smythe was doing. He'd looked back to see Sebastian again.
He looked angry and exhausted. Kurt couldn't blame him. People were doubting that he'd taken his own life when he had, but at the same time, Kurt knew Sebastian hadn't wanted anyone to know. Sebastian was proving to be fairly difficult at the moment.
Blaine opened the door. "We're going to have to skip first period. It's nearly done with."
"It's alright," Kurt said, opening the door and waiting for Sebastian to suddenly appear behind him.
When Kurt had entered the school to go to his locker to get his book, and looked back, seeing that Sebastian was floating there. Kurt rolled his eyes, picking up his notebook and his textbook.
"You should honestly show yourself to Blaine," Kurt said after some time. "If you're so upset about him thinking that—"
"No," Sebastian cut Kurt off. He looked mildly sick. "Hummel, do you know how much energy and effort I have to fucking put in just so you'd see me? Do you?"
Kurt shook his head. It made sense in some ways, but he honestly didn't know why Sebastian was putting up so much effort in order for Kurt to see him when in fact, he was so interested in Blaine when he'd been alive.
"Why are you putting so much effort to see me?" Kurt suddenly asked. "Why not Blaine? Why not the Warblers? Why not anyone else?"
Just then, Blaine seemed to come around with a distressed looking Rachel. He bet that there would be more discussion about Sebastian's death. When Blaine and Rachel seemed to appear, Sebastian seemed to disappear. Kurt raised his eyebrow, wondering where Sebastian had gone off to.
Or if he was still there, just not showing himself.
"Kurt? Are you coming?" Blaine asked.
Kurt nodded his head, shut his locker, picked up his rucksack and followed them.
xo Peanut Butter/Sam