I have no idea why Dark started raising cuccos. He's basically my dark side personified, so it makes no sense. Why would he want to tend to little helpless, fuzzy cucco babies?

Actually, the more I think about it, the more it makes sense. But we'll get to that later. For now, let's start when I first discovered Dark's stupid plan to raise cuccos.

I remember it being a very nice day. I'd woken to the sun shining bright, a fancy breakfast, a kiss from my beautiful fiancé, and a passing glance from Impa. (A "passing glance" is a freaking miracle coming from that demon of a woman. For some stupid reason she hates me and thinks I'm "unworthy" of Zelda and she's usually bruising me with her words. Or sometimes literally too. Anyway, this is all besides the point. The point is, I was having a nice day and stupid Dark just had to ruin it.

... What do you mean, I'm still talking in parentheses?) No I'm not. What are you on about?

Ahem. So before we all get distracted with pointless nonsense, I'm going to cut to the chase. After breakfast I went outside to get a breath of fresh, crisp morning air, and there... I found Dark. Drowning in little yellow fluff-balls. He stood there, smiling as casually as if nothing was happening, all while cucco chicks quite literally swarmed him, clambering up and down his arms and legs and torso and burying themselves in his hat and his tunic and his hair, all while chirping incessantly without ever shutting up like the annoying little nitwits they were.

I just stood there and gawked for a while.

Dark's eyes flicked to mine, and he chuckled - probably at my expression. I just blinked at him in shock. He found me amusing when he was the one buried in freaking cucco babies?

I started to turn and head back to the castle without saying a word. It would have been better to pretend nothing had happened and simply try - in vain - to return to my normal life. But Dark wouldn't let that happen. Of course.

"You, there!" he called after me.

I groaned, reluctantly stopped, and hesitated for a good long while as I rubbed my forehead in frustration before I finally turned around. "What?" I grumbled.

Dark grinned at me. "Wouldn't you like to meet them?"

I cocked a brow. "No."

He walked right up to me and grabbed my arm - even when I flinched and tried to tug myself out of his grip - and then some of the stupid little devil-birds started crawling up my arms and pecking me.

"Ow!" I yelped as they tunneled under my tunic and pecked every single available surface of my skin. I'm not proud to admit that I flopped around like a dying fish, arms flailing wildly, desperately flinging as many cucco chicks away from my body as I possibly could. But come on. Would you have done any better? ... Thought so.

Dark just laughed at me the whole time. Rage boiling inside me at this absolute piece of scum who dared to invade my perfect life and mess things up with something as stupid as this, I turned toward him and - with cuccos still swarming my arms - punched him so hard in the face that he flew backwards quite an impressive distance. I smiled in satisfaction as I watched him crash to the ground with a surprised oof.

For a while he only laid there in the grass, staring up at the bright blue sky, lips pressed together in a thin line. I remember that thin line very distinctly, because I was quite sure that meant he planned to kill me the moment he stood up.

But he didn't. Instead he just brushed himself off and sighed. "And they think I'm your dark side," he mumbled to himself as he straightened his black tunic.

I huffed in annoyance and flicked the last of the bird babies off my arms. "Look, Dark," I hissed, taking a step toward him in what I hoped was a threatening gesture, angrily jabbing my index finger at him.

He interrupted me. "Dark? Hmm." His eyes drifted away as if lost in thought, and he smiled. "A fitting name, I suppose. I approve."

"I don't give a log from Din's divine toilet if you approve. I was living a perfectly good life until you showed up!"

"And, pray tell, what have I ever done to change that?" His infuriating smile never left his face. "All I've done is sleep in an unused room of the castle and get a few cucco chicks to raise."

"A few? A few?!" I spluttered, gesturing wildly to the hopping bird babies. "That's like, five hundred!"

"One hundred and fifty, to be exact."

I pretended he hadn't spoken. "And I don't want those stupid little things running wild in the courtyard! This is supposed to be a peaceful place! Can't you find anywhere better to store your five hundred cuccos?!"

"One hundred and fifty," he said again, with a tired sigh.

"I don't care! Just get them out of here!"

If you can't tell already, I really, really hate cuccos. Why, you ask? Uh… let's just say it's due to certain past experiences with them. They're like the devil incarnate. And I didn't want one hundred and fifty devils incarnate running around my nice, peaceful courtyard.

"They're harmless. What do you have against them?" Dark protested.

"Everything!" I growled.

He only shrugged. "Well, my deepest apologies," he said, even though I could tell he wasn't sorry in the slightest, "but they're staying right here." Then he smiled again.

I really freaking hate his smile. (I hope mine doesn't look as annoying as his.)

So… I punched him, again. I couldn't resist.

That time I saw the murder in his fiery red eyes. And I felt afraid, for a second, as he snarled, "That's it," and lunged at me. But then I hurriedly regained my pride and stood my ground until he slammed into me. We both went tumbling to the ground, shouting angrily as I attempted to get the upper hand and he tried to do the same thing. The blasted bird babies swarmed us then, chirping madly and clawing and pecking at us (or, rather, just me).

I'm pretty sure it looked ridiculous - an indistinguishable mass of flailing limbs, one hundred and fifty cucco chicks clambering all over us like an ocean of noisy yellow fuzz, jabbing their little needle-beaks into any exposed skin.

And before I knew what was happening, I felt a very strong hand on my back, pulling me to my feet, and a dreadfully familiar voice hissing, "Just what in Nayru's glorious name are you two doing?"

I swallowed as my heart dropped into my stomach like a stone. I looked toward the source of the voice - only to find Impa standing there with her terrifying blood-red eyes narrowed in anger.

I tried to smile. "N-nothing."

She glared harder. At that moment I wished I could turn into dust and blow away in the breeze. It would have been better than dealing with a very angry Impa.

"Clearly, nothing." Her hard eyes swept the courtyard, and I swear she glared at the little cucco chicks so fiercely that they could have burst into flame if she'd wanted them to.

Lucky for them, they didn't. Not so lucky for me… they didn't.

"Whose are these?" she demanded, releasing my tunic - which I forgot she'd been holding onto, and therefore I forgot to actually support my own legs, so I plopped to the ground in a very disgraceful heap with an equally disgraceful noise. I'm not very amazing when Impa's around, if that wasn't obvious enough already. What? Don't blame me. She's terrifying!

I glanced up to see her kicking little bird babies off her legs, teeth bared in a horrible snarl.

"Er," Dark started reluctantly as he brushed himself off, "they're… mine."

"Get them out," she commanded, turning to face Dark with rage in her eyes. He actually looked nervous for a moment and swallowed. "I don't like them."

"They're harmless, really -"

"Does it look like I care?" Hands pressed firmly to her hips, she leaned close enough that Dark could see the pure fires of hell itself that roared in her eyes.

"I suppose not…?" was his reluctant answer.

"Take them out to the trash, for all I care," she hissed. "And take yourself along with them. Both of you." Her cruel eyes shot between both me and Dark. Then she brushed past us and went back inside the castle - but not before stopping in the doorway and calling over her shoulder without looking back, "If the two of you and your ugly birds aren't gone by dinner, I'll take you out myself." Then she was gone, slamming the door behind her.

Dark and I only stood there, speechless, staring in horror at the door.

Then we turned to each other. For a while there was only silence - and then he said, "You know… I'm not quite fond of her."

For once I could agree with him. "She's a total piece of -"

Dark tsked. "Now, now," he interrupted, disapprovingly shaking his head. "I'm afraid this strange little 'story' is only rated K+ and that sort of language isn't appropriate."

I blinked in utter confusion. "…What in Farore's sweet name are you…"

"At any rate," Dark continued as if he hadn't said anything. He rubbed his hands together, and his lips slowly curved into a smirk.

I froze. See, his smirks are terrifying, and not only that, but I just knew he had some awful plot birthing in his head like a little demon hatching from its egg made of brimstone and pure evil. "Oh, Goddesses, what -"

"Come," was all he said, "You're going to help me."

I didn't really have a choice.

But that can wait until the next chapter. See? I left it off on a cliffhanger! (That is how cliffhangers work, right? I was told they make you more interested in the next chapter… Is it working yet?)

A/N: So I started this stupid little crackfic as a way to take a break from all the angst I write. Since I'm much more accustomed to the aforementioned angst, I'm not sure how good I am at writing humor. Is it funny? Is it not? Feel free to tell me. ;3