Chapter 11
Lately, my teacher and I have been painting for His Majesty in secret. Although we are working together, I made an extra effort because he is my teacher and I do want to surpass him. My issues of longing and anger were set aside for now. Perhaps my teacher deliberately gave me the opportunity, but I gained His Majesty's favors and was bestowed with a token allowing me free access into the royal palace. When my teacher saw me playing with the token, he rapped me on the head and mysteriously said, "I heard this token was also bestowed upon another painter 10 years ago." Suddenly, a light flashed inside my mind.
"Painter? Father? Secret archives? Numbers?" My memory started getting confused again...After I awoke, I remembered everything. In the archives, I found the two paintings left by my father. But their style did not seem to resemble my father's. Unless Father had left something for me? As I mulled over this, I began to feel uncomfortable, as though a greater danger awaited me ahead. But I can no longer turn back.
These few days, I kept examining the two paintings but could not find anything. In the tavern, I was drinking alone. A loud noise captured my attention. I heard someone mention your name. My heart leapt. Turns out they were admiring your beauty, your gayageum skills and courage. I smiled in my heart. Because it is only I who ever got to see your intelligence and rich emotions. But this belonged to the past. The arguing noises continued. I became irritated. All of a sudden, I heard gayageum music. As if finding an oasis in the desert. Is that you? I became convinced it was you. I heard a sense of peace in the music, and decided it was not my place to intrude into your new life.
I returned to my table but quietly listened. Even if you no longer played for me, I still felt a sense of sweetness because we were only separated by a wall. Then came the sound of broken strings. And the music stopped. I heard the people inside arguing again, and sounds of breaking furniture. I grew concerned. Are you alright? Unable to stop myself, I pushed open the doors. However, I could not see the face and figure that had been haunting my dreams.
There was only an angry man and a sad looking unfamiliar woman. I felt awkward and hurriedly excused myself, saying I had mistaken the wrong room. But the angry man looked a little surprised and abruptly released the woman. He walked towards me, and started to smile. "So this is the famous royal portrait painter? You are drinking alone?" I did not have good feelings about this man and turned to leave. He suddenly introduced himself as Daehensun KJN, and invited me to his Chawaseo. KJN, wasn't he the man who bought JH? I started to get angry. Did he buy JH only for her beauty? Did he not care for her heart and gayageum skills? I stared at him in disdain, and left his invitation without a word.
At home, I unfolded my father's paintings again. An image of KJN appeared in my mind. Inspiration came to me. My gaze fell on the paintings. "Jo Nyeon, kill", I thought. Did he really do it? I grew agitated. JH, why are you with him? I clasped my head in frustration, regretting that I had not spared more effort to make you stay. It was my fault. Now you're in danger. What should I do? What should I do? I was frantic. It was not revenge that came to mind now, but how to rescue you. JH, you must wait for me. Wait for me!
I slowly calmed down and started to think. KJN is out in the open and I am still in the shadows. Moreover, he doesn't know that I love JH. And JH doesn't know all my secrets. So my worries are only speculation. At this, I started to laugh. Ah, how love has confused me. Yet precisely because there is love and hatred in my heart that I started to grow. It is you who gave me that courage to protect a person. Only it's a pity that you are not by my side. After carefully thinking it over, I felt I had to find an opportunity to meet you. With KJN by your side, I felt uneasy. Also, I should let you know some things about me. With your freedom lost, it is not easy to see you. A daring and dangerous idea entered my head. Can I do it? Will it work? I don't know!
Chapter 12
Today is a significant day. I made an important decision in which I cannot fail. After I unexpectedly bested my teacher again during the last painting for the king, the king asked me to name my reward. During the past year, I had won so many honors that the king did not know how to reward me. Taking a deep breath, I requested to leave Dohwaseo. I felt a cold blast of anger from the king, and knew he was furious. Perhaps he believed I am a coward who intended to abandon him. Now that I have said it, I can no longer turn back. I explained I wanted to live among the common folk and understand their lives. Even if I left Dohwaseo, I can still paint for the common folk and His Majesty.
The king was silent. My heart was palpitating in anticipation of his decision. Perhaps I will lose my life and everything will go up in smoke. My teacher who had been quiet all along spoke up. He pleaded with His Majesty to grant my request. He said we had a discussion and he approved of my decision to leave. My teacher will remain inside the palace and work with me. It became obvious how much His Majesty trusts my teacher. My teacher successfully persuaded the king, and I was allowed to leave. Besides JH, my teacher also occupies an important place inside my heart. From my Dohwaseo exploits to royal portrait painting, my teacher patiently assisted and guided me in techniques and confidence which gave me courage. Like a father, he forgave my clumsiness, impulsiveness, bluntness and helplessness. Without JH by my side, he represents an alternative source of hope to me.
After I left Dohwaseo, the first thing I did was seek out KJN. My plan has started. After entering his house, I must confess KJN's capabilities are beyond my expectation. At least he was far richer and powerful. I am not an ideal opponent for him. His house is lavishly decorated with expensive art and objects which turned me off. But KJN seemed pleased with my visit. Perhaps he was surprised that an unpredictable character like me will seek him out. Bluntly, I told KJN that I left Dohwaseo in order to paint in my own style and asked whether he was interested in working with me. I wanted a 50% cut of my paintings sold, lodging, and freedom of movement. In a typical businessman manner, he seemed interested but wanted to think it over. I smiled and kept quiet. I believe he has no reason to reject me and gave him 10 days to consider the offer. I didn't really think he will require 10 days. But I needed the time for myself as I will be very, very exhausted at the end of this.
Chapter 13
On the 7 day, KJN agreed to my offer and invited me over. I declined, and told him to wait till the 10 day. For the remaining 3 days, he kept sending invitations and valuable gifts. At the sight of this, even my adopted father who bore a grudge for my leaving Dohwaseo warmed up to me. "Hyang-ah, I have not really spoken to you for so long. After a long separation, are you still the same person that I knew? A year has passed. Through my own plan, I found a way to you. Even if I cannot see you immediately, I can still see your face and figure with my eyes closed."
After entering KJN's house, they treated me really well. But the lavish favors did not inspire my artistic creativity. I was in danger of being "brainwashed". Sometimes, I found myself agreeing with KJN's views. "The higher the painting's price, the greater its value?" KJN gave me a token to buy whatever I needed. I smiled but thought, "Everything? Including JH? Or your life?"
KJN decided to hold a banquet. It will be my first time painting as his private artist. I was looking forward to showing my talent. It was also a way of declaring war. The banquet was attended by many people. I thought, "No wonder KJN gets his way in everything. His power and influence cannot be underestimated." At this, I clenched my fists and reluctantly socialized with KJN and his guests. When the banquet began, I returned to my place and started to draw. Sounds of frolicking and laughter were everywhere. I felt weary. All of a sudden, a familiar figure appeared in my vision. I felt I had returned to the past. You were still so gentle, so graceful, so proud and so composed. No one can extricate themselves from you.
"Startled? Surprised?" Your eyes beheld mine. Yet there was no expression on your face. As if in a dream, I watched you bow and seat yourself with your gayageum. I dreamt of our reunion in a thousand ways, but I still felt unready for this moment. Your eyes flickered past me, as if afraid someone will discover our secret. I smiled quietly. Right this moment, "only these two people know what is inside their hearts."
When KJN smiled at you, I caught a rare glimpse of his sincerity. I was a little unhappy. And you did not seem to mind his gentleness towards you. You strummed the strings as if you were strumming on my emotions. From your music, I heard your deeper feelings and understood your longing in this past year. But how do I tell you my thoughts? I shall communicate through a painting with you in it. Your gayageum rhythm changed from furious to leisurely, and I drew in accordance. Our hearts were in tune with each other, and we had no need for words.
Chapter 14
In the study, KJN examined my painting. Occasionally, he smiled and nodded. I controlled myself. This painting was created by my love for you, and I resented handing it over to him. I heard the door open behind me and felt a familiar, intoxicating presence. After I calmed myself, KJN was looking at me, "What do you think? Is my flower suitable to enter your painting?" I responded with an awkward smile, yes, but how can a house flower enter my painting so easily? I turned around to look at you. Under the candlelight, you looked lovely. I knew you understood my words. KJN smiled and it seemed like a smile of victory.
KJN handed my painting to you. He said, "Take a look. Didn't you say you wish to possess his painting?" But you replied, "It's only a painting. What is so special about it?" He continued unfazed, "A few days ago, didn't you just say it was a pity for him to leave Dohwaseo? You said if he came to Chawaseo, it will increase our value. I heeded your advice. Now why do you say it's not anything special?" After hearing your conversation, my heart was in shock. At first I'd thought I came to you on my own. In reality, it was you who helped me. Even if we are apart for several lifetimes, it is always you taking steps towards me. Thank you, beloved JH.
You took the painting. A brief flash of delight crossed your face. I knew you understood the painting. And my heart. You seemed to give me a sideways glance, and then quickly avoided my gaze. Even so, I still understood your heart. Like that night at the banquet, despite the presence of many nobles, you were still the centerpiece of my painting. No one can replace you. Can I remain in your heart as the Hwagong who most understands your music?
Chapter 15
How I wish to be near you.
After a year, my memory senses your presence and comforts my emotions with it. However, this moment's reunion is filled more with helplessness than joy. Your eyes were darting around. My emotions slowly lost control. How I wished to hold your hand, and hear you call me "Hwagong" once more. How I wished to see the joy on your face when you look at me. You are still you, but in a different atmosphere. I suppose any impulsive move by me will bring harm to you. Of all people, I don't wish to hurt you. So everything must belong to the past. KJN concentrated on my painting and did not appear to notice our shared glances. A feeling of awkwardness between strangers born of our clandestine silence hung in the atmosphere. I guess a woman will always take second place to a man's business. This is the greatest difference between me and the other men!
I followed my heart's desire to draw you into that painting. You understood. But I was still nervous. After all, KJN is a skilled art connoisseur. If he read my feelings for you from that painting, what will happen to you? I secretly glanced at you, and it appears you shared the same concern. Your eyes masked a slight panic. Are you worried for me? In this place, I cannot do anything to show my feelings for it will only make you worry. KJN is a careful observer, and a slightly sinister smile hung on his face. My heart was very uneasy. Was it the calm before the storm? I took a deep calming breath.
Unfortunately, this movement alerted KJN. He lifted his head. He stared at me and stared at you. His smile deepened. My mind was frantically thinking of ways to cover up. It was crucial to keep you safe from harm. But KJN amiably said to me, "Well done." Truly, "only these two people know what is inside their hearts." Only you can understand the full meaning behind my painting. Suddenly, I felt heartened to have you as a soulmate, and felt much better. KJN looked satisfied that I drew you so nicely. He actually suggested I should make more paintings of you. I thought, you must hold a high place in his heart. I felt a little jealous. Right this moment however, I can do nothing to my enemy. For your sake, I gathered up my anger and hid it. Fortunately, you will be by my side in the coming days, and this means there will at least be some happy days for me to look forward to!
Chapter 16
You said having me by your side makes you feel as though you'd returned to the times of butterflies playing with flowers. Indeed, it is wonderful to encounter such rare joy amid our misfortunes. Because you cannot hope for more, you can only cherish our past. And this became the connection between you and I. When I wanted to draw you like when we first met, you asked if it was the cloth shop. No...my deepest impression of you was on the bridge. You looked surprised. Then you mentioned no wonder, it felt as though we'd met before and you weren't turned off by my teasing. On hearing this, I thought - when you glanced backwards that day [on the bridge], you didn't just take away my soul, you also left a part of your innocence with me. We have shared some joyful moments. Little by little, your true self was gradually brought out by me.
Slowly, I realized what passed between us was more than mutual admiration, it had turned into an empathic love and dependence. Our hearts seemed to have grown closer. When I handed over my completed painting to KJN, I discovered an enigmatic man like him can actually show his emotions easily. He stared at your portrait as if in a daze. I felt a little strange. Surely your place in his heart far exceeded my expectations! Should I be happy for you, or sorry for myself?
After I carefully framed this painting, I delivered it to your room. I suppose you thought I was giving you the painting as a gift without first presenting to KJN. So you looked really pleased. I was happy to see your expression, and forced down the words that I'd meant to tell you. In truth, KJN sent me to you with this painting. In his words, this is a great work of art and if it is sold on the market, it will be worth a considerable sum. Yet KJN was willing to forgo these riches to prevent his flower from being viewed by other men. So this painting was given to you as a gift. You were so immersed in your happiness that you failed to notice my thoughts.
So I composed myself and smiled. You don't know my real self. If I can make you happy like this, why should I make you suffer my burdens with me? Should I change my way of showing my love, care and respect for you? Sometimes, letting go is also a form of love? I lightly held your hand in mine and looked into your eyes. I could see your anticipation. Slowly, I got close to you and leaned towards your shoulder. Quietly, I said, "I like you. This is the first time I ever felt passion for another person. But what can I do with these feelings? A situation like this. I cannot do anything for both of us. I cannot bear to let you forget me. But it's unfair to let you carry on thinking of me. What can I do? What should I do?"
A teardrop fell onto your palm. I felt you move, and raised my head. Tears filled your face. My heart was shaken. Clumsily, I reached out to wipe away your tears, and hugged you. Your shoulders were shivering. There was nothing I could do, except silently cry with you. After some time, you bravely controlled your tears, and pleaded with me to stay by your side. But how can I let you wait for me? I blame myself for your deep feelings. Now you are no longer a mere gisaeng. There is someone in this place who cares deeply for you. No matter what, I cannot provide a similar life for you. If so, can you peacefully live out the rest of your days alone?
Compared to all the love that you lavished on me, I have not reciprocated with anything significant. Yet you carried on giving. In front of you, I have no courage to tell you the truth, and can't bear to ruin your dreams. Unable to forgive myself, I reluctantly recited words that will make you forget me. Your expressions changed from loving to stricken. Perhaps after I undressed your defensive jeogori, you can no longer return to your original composed self. This brief period of suffering is better than a lifetime of tragedy. You must understand how deeply I loved you.
Chapter 17
I'm sorry, my beloved. I can't bear to see you unhappy. Yet I cannot give you any reasons. Please trust me and agree with me. Even though I know I have no right to expect your trust. It has been a few days. I deliberately avoided you. Naively, I thought it will strengthen your desire to forget me. Inside, my heart is passionately pining for you.
KJN arranged a banquet and expected me to be present. Will you be there? My heart was secretly longing in anticipation. When night came, you appeared with uncharacteristically heavy makeup. Under the moonlight, you looked pale, as if you were ill. Are you ill? I got agitated. When KJN saw you, he hurriedly went forward towards you to show his tender care and concern. Only you will receive such treatment from him, I suppose. Your eyes looked tired and unfocused, and kept avoiding my gaze. Since I asked for this, I cannot say anything now. You kept company by KJN's side and lightly smiled or chatted.
My gaze never left your body. When KJN bent down to brush the dirt off your shoes, you looked awkward. But when you saw me looking in your direction, you decided not to stop him. I knew. It was your revenge against me. Did you want me to feel jealousy? Yes, you succeeded! But what else can I do but quietly turn away? In the past, I forgot everything once I took up the paintbrush. That night, I paused several times during painting and even required others' reminders to focus myself. Other than thoughts of you, my mind was a complete blank. Can I give up everything for you? Including my revenge?
Chapter 18
Because of you, I have much to think about. Sorrow etched itself on my brows. That night, you suddenly came to my room and asked, "What has happened to you lately? Why are you tormenting us like this?" How should I respond? Should I cruelly hurt you once more? Yet my resolve melted away at your concern. Raising my hand, I lightly touched your face and tried to give you a reassuring smile. My attempt only got you more worried. I'm sorry, I have let you fall too far into this.
I thought it over a hundred times. A thousand times. Perhaps revealing my secret to you is the only solution. Gathering my courage, I handed my newly completed painting to you. You asked me for its name. I replied, "Moonlight Rendezvous." You examined the painting thoughtfully and occasionally glanced at me. A long silence passed between us. I did not even dare draw a long breath and my heart palpitated uneasily. So afraid was I to unbalance this moment. All of a sudden, you casually broke the silence, "Do you have another lover?"
I was awkward. Confused. Turns out you'd misunderstood the painting's meaning. "No, really. No. Trust me, I'm not that sort of person. You, you are my only love..." My explanation was confusing, and your heart was confused too, I suppose. Even though you calmly said, "it doesn't matter", the tears filling your face made me reproach myself. My hints had not worked. Must I hurt you personally and pour salt on that wound? I could not do it. The sight of your tears made me lose all thought. Apologies, cajoling, promises will not work now. Having no other choice, I drew you into my embrace and stroked your back. Your tears soaked my garments. Only like this did my heart feel a slight warmth. Yet this may be the last time I will hold you this way.
Finally, you stopped crying and left my embrace. A slight shyness climbed up your face. How I wished you can remain like this. But I could not do this. Hyang, I'm sorry. Because I am no longer the same carefree "youth" like when we first met. I raised my hand to smooth back strands of your hair. You were a little bashful and tried to avoid me. I smiled, "It's alright, it doesn't matter." On hearing this, you gave in. I helped you with your hair and clothes, saying, "Tomorrow, please don't rest too early. I still have something to tell you." You spun around and anxiously asked what it was. With a reassuring smile, I said, "Don't think too much of it. Just rest. My words can only be told to you tomorrow." Even though I was smiling, you still looked uneasy. Before I left, you looked like you wanted to ask me once more. But your composure didn't allow you to voice your thoughts. I knew. For the sake of your future, let me end our ill-fated love tomorrow on the bridge where we first met.
Chapter 19
Standing by the back door, my mind was blank. How do I reveal my dusty secret? How do I end this deepening love? If you know everything, how will you carry on? I suppose you'll leave me. I was filled with depression and my weary heart tried to muster strength. Why did I become like this? You came as agreed, and greeted me as usual. "Hwagong". This time however, it felt like a stab to my heart. I quietly responded. Unease briefly flashed across your face. Then you swiftly regained your shyness. Perhaps the joy of our rendezvous outweighed your worries.
The gloomy night mirrored my feelings. Slowly, I walked ahead. You followed close behind. I was silent, not knowing where to begin. You added to the silence. I had to turn my head to glance at your eyes, your expressions. I brought you to the bridge of our first encounter. Cold moonlight spilled over us and chilled my skin, reaching deep into my heart. At last, you broke the silence. "I didn't think we'd be walking together like this. What do you wish to tell me?" I stopped in my tracks. As you watched me, I took a deep breath.
"I want to tell you a story." You hesitated and then nodded. Mustering my courage, "There was once a girl who had to shoulder the burden of her parents' murders. In her quest for revenge, she changed her name and dressed as a male to live amongst men. Because she thought revenge was her only reason for living. Even then, Fate continue to torment her. For she fell in love with someone whom she cannot love." You looked confused as to why I was telling this story. "To me, you are a special person." You shyly gave a moving reply. "Hwagong is also a special person to me too." JH, how can I make you understand? "I need to paint. I must become a royal portrait painter. So I had to do this!"
But you were still confused. Unease was written in your eyes. Gently, I took your hand and placed it on my face. Allowing you to feel my apology. As your hand slid down to my chest, I said, "I'm sorry. Really sorry. I am the girl who has carries that revenge!" Panicking, you withdrew your hand and nearly lost control. Remorse filled my heart. "I am a woman yet you entered my heart. And I accepted yours in return. It's a sin. Can you ever forgive me?" Brows furrowed, I dared not look at you. Tears were edging the corners of my eyes. Your quiet sobs reached my ears. What do we do from now? Weakly, you collapsed onto the ground. My burdened heart was devastated. Seeing you cry, I knelt in front of you. All I could say was, "Sorry" and pleaded for your forgiveness.
Silence reigned on our return journey. Two more wounded hearts added to this world. Although you did not have the courage to face me before our parting, you still made one last plea, "After I cross this doorway, everything has ended. For the last time, can you remain as my Hwagong?" I thought, this must be your greatest wish. But I cannot give you anything other than apologies. Seeing your disappointment, I tried to comfort you but could not find the right words. Or perhaps you did not want my comfort. When I saw your departing back view, my own tears finally fell. Closing my eyes, I can still see your outline. Can you hear the sound of my heart? "I'm truly sorry, my most beautiful person."
No longer do I have anything to hide from you. And you are truly my one and only. I told you everything. In doing so, I gave up everything. From now on, I will only paint. Without you, my paintings may never soar again. Perhaps it's time for me to depart and leave you to your new life. My heart will always only have one Hyang. Please forget me and start your new life.
Chapter 20
My possessions were packed. Time to leave this unhappy place. But where do I belong? The source of my worries must continue living her life in happiness. Before leaving, I returned to that place where we first met. How I wish to keep an image of your beautiful figure passing along the bridge. But all that has faded into mist. I cried in despair. All my suppressed emotions flowed forth. Painful yet liberating. A scar will always remain on a wound. Even though letting you go cuts through the core of my being, letting you go was the only way for you to walk out of this illusion and back into reality. With the passage of time, you should be able to recover and lead a real life. As for me, I fell in love with you despite being a woman, and freely accepted your love in return. Let this be my redemption.
Sadly, I wandered back to my lodging. When I pushed open my door, I was dumbfounded. Your pallid face greeted my vision and my heart hurt a little. Raising your head, you looked at my equally stricken eyes. Casually, you asked, "You, can you go back to being my Hwagong?" The same question dropped me back into that same abyss. Is there anything on earth that can withstand Love? But how can I reciprocate or repay your love? I whispered your name. Your tears slid down, falling upon my heart and searing my life.
"Can you give up revenge?" "I can." "Can you love me like before?" "I can." "Can you take me from this place ?"
Staring into your hopeful eyes, I fell silent. After a long moment, I replied, "No, I cannot. Leaving here will change everything. You cannot lead a homeless life adrift because of me. You're a beautiful flower who deserves to bloom in fertile soil." But you persisted. "This is only your excuse! The most beautiful flower will wither one day. How will I live then? Or perhaps your real reason is – we are both women?" When I heard your words, I didn't know which emotions struck me. Was it shock? Was I moved or upset? Having no answers to your interrogation, I was dazed. Seeing my confusion, you continued, "I have felt sorrow. Hatred. Vexation. Yet each time I recall my past with you, I didn't seem to have ever minded your gender. Now that I think it over, you may be a man or a woman.
You're the only one who ever understood my music and the mate my soul had been longing for. I, am a gisaeng. My art is my life. Your recognition and appreciation gave life to me. Moreover, you did not just love my art. You loved me in spite of my lowly status. And allowed me to become a precious person in another's heart. If I can live happily by your side, does it matter that I lead a wandering life?" Too many emotions assailed me, leaving me unable to digest. But my heart was a little moved. Can we, really? As I wavered, you renewed your persuasion, "We can go to a place where no one can find us to start a new life. You will remain yourself, and I am be myself. Even in poverty, our lives will be happy.
Two people forsaken by this world. Why should we torment ourselves in the eyes of the common people? Was letting me go truly in my best interest? A flower without the butterfly's appreciation, can it truly bloom radiantly?" My worries from the past two years dissolved in the face of your calm persuasion. You were so lofty and unyielding, like a snow lotus on the mountain in the face of wind and snow. I had been trapped in the mud of secular thoughts, unable to free myself. So it seems happiness is actually simple. All one had to do was follow one's heart. Happiness is no more than mutual admiration and walking together to complete life's journey.
Having gotten past myself, I now felt able to carry on. Yet I still pondered. Because of you, I had no choice but to carefully consider. I couldn't bear to live in regret for the rest of our lives. As I looked into your eyes, they spoke of your determination and courage. As if reading my thoughts, you took my hand and placed it on your face. "Don't worry. Leaving this place, we will lead a reclusive life. If you wish to dress as a female, we can live like sisters. If you wish to dress as a male, we will live as a couple. You can make a living from teaching painting and I will deal with the household. Together, we can spend our lives in painting and music. When we grow old or die, at least we can look back on our lives and smile. While we may not share the same misery, we suffered the same destiny. Let us treat each other's wounds and spend the rest of our lives together. In our next life, I hope we'll be transformed into a real butterfly and flower as consolation for this life."