I can't breathe. I feel like I'm drowning and nobody's trying to save me. There's no escape for the pain I feel. The pain, the guilt, the disgust, the self hate, all of it is bottling up inside of me slowly awaiting combustion. As a human I know I can only take so much. I've always known I was weak but I never thought it was to this degree. I caught myself crying in the shower earlier and felt even more disgusted. I don't deserve to cry those tears. I don't deserve to feel the pain, borderline agony I endure. But I don't leave. I never leave.
"Hey." I hear softly from my left. I glance and notice its Greenlee. I send a tight smile her way.
"Hi." I respond just as softly. Reese glances at us and I feel as if I'm drowning even deeper. That feeling of not being able to breath hits me full force and I crouch forward, just the tiniest bit, but Greenlee notices.
"Whoa there, what's wrong?" she asks resting a hand on my arm. I shake my head and blink rapidly.
"Just tired I guess." I reply. She nods.
"I can see why, you put this whole party together almost singlehandedly and, I'd never say this to anyone else so it stays between us, but I really appreciate what you and Erica have done for fusion." she says sincerely.. I smile and nod.
"Its the least I could do to he=" she cuts me off, feeling what I'm about to say.
"You know she's gonna forgive you one day. She loves you Bianca." she tells me. I offer her a grateful smile.
"Thanks, I sure hope you're right."
"I am, just wait and see." she replies with a smile of her own. I notice her glance sadly to her right so I follow her line of vision.
"Did you ever really love him?" I ask. She turns to me, shocked.
"I...." she pauses. "I'm honestly not sure. I mean, Ryan is a great guy but..... I don't know there was just....." she stops searching for the right word.
"Greenlee can I just say something?" I ask. She stops thinking and blinks before nodding. I take a deep breath. "I don't want you to be offended by this or anything but; love and infatuation are two different things." I say gently. At first she looks offended like she's going to go into bitch Greenlee mode, but her shoulders slump.
"You're right." she says. I must look surprised. "The only reason you get away with that is cus you're my little cousin." she says with a small smile. Her face darkens for a moment before looking over my shoulder. I smile and wave to Reese after following Greenlee's line of vision. Reese just waves back before turning back to whoever the person is she's talking too. I look at Greenlee whose scowling.
"Why are you with that thing?" she asks bluntly. I actually snicker at this because well, Greenlee's never really been known to sugar coat things.
"Greenlee...." I chastise sobering up. She rolls her eyes.
"Fine, I mean no offense to your relationship Bianca but, it seems empty." she says. I shake my head quickly.
"It's not. We love each other."
"Do you really?" she asks with a raised eyebrow. I turn back to glance to make sure Reese is still out of earshot. Once I notice she is I glance back at my cousin.
"I don-"
"Ah, Bianca, just the woman I was looking for." Zach says stepping beside me. "Greenlee, it's good to see you without your ornament." he says noticing Greenlee doesn't have Ryan attached to her.
"Ha Ha Slater." she says walking off. He turns to me.
"Was it somethin I said?" he asks. I just smile shaking my head.
"How can I help you?" I ask. He just shrugs.
"Can't I just wanna see you?" he asks. I nod.
"Sure you can." I say with a fond smile. He smiles back but it quickly fades.
"But seriously, I've been uh, I've been meaning to talk to you about this for a few days now. Since Kendall woke up." he says. I nod. He glances around.
"It's sorta private, can we....can we go somewhere else?" he asks bringing his hands together then dropping them to his side. I nod.
"Of course. Lead the way." I say. He nods and turns walking towards the exit. I feel a hand on my shoulder and see it's just Reese. She's got a pretty tight grip but loosens it when Zach turns to us. I guess he could tell that I was no longer following.
"Something wrong?" she asks. I go to answer but Zach cuts in.
"No I just need to have a brother-sister moment with my sister in law." he says with a smile. Oh my god. That smile was forced so hard it looked painful.
"Alright." she says letting me go and kissing my cheek. I smile and continue to follow Zach. We get outside and I shiver a little. He offers me his jacket and gives me a look that says not to complain.
"What's goin on with you and Reese?" he asks.
"We're engaged." I reply simply.
"Bianca....." he trails off. I chuckle.
"Y'know, everybody always comes up here to the rooftop to talk. Why do ya think that is?" I ask. I take a moment to glance at him and I see his face looking nothing but serious. I sigh. "Nothing." I reply. He fixes me with that penetrating Zach stare.
"If she hurts you I'll kill her." he says. And I believe every word of what he just said.
"Well then I guess she's going to be around for a really long time then because she'd never hurt me." I say. He nods.
"I'm just....looking out for you. You're my family, no matter what happens with me and Kendall. I love you. Like a sister." he says with a smile. I return the smile.
"I love you too Zach." I answer. I frown. "Although I'd never ask my brother to make a baby with me, you are family." I reply. He inhales deeply.
"Yeah, I think josh might have a problem if you did ask him." he says as we share a chuckle.
"Ya think?" I try. I hear the door open and see Reese standing there. Zach's whole stance changes.
"Well, as much as I'd love to stay out here, I need to get to my boys." he says. He offers Reese a nod. "Reese." he says making his way inside. Reese glances at me.
"What'd he want to talk about?" she asks standing beside me. I take a deep breath and blow it out. I lean over the railing.
"He's not doing good Reese. We thought he was a mess when Kendall was in the hospital but this....he's hurting and trying so hard not to show it." it's not exactly a lie but it's not the truth to her question. She leans beside me moving stray hair outta my face.
"He'll be fine Bianca. I'm sure he and Kendall can find their ways back to each other." she whispers. I turn to her and smile.
"I hope so." I say. "I wish everybody could have what we have." I lie. Don't give me that look. I need to keep her as happy as possible. A happy Reese means no more make up stealing for Bianca. I can only put so much foundation on my neck without anyone realizing that I shouldn't be that tan in one spot of my neck.
"Me too baby. Me too." she says. The door crashes against the wall.
"Gah!" the tiny figure yells. "Why the he- oh hi." Greenlee says noticing Reese and I. I notice a look of annoyance pass over Reese's face.
"Something wrong?" Reese tries. Greenlee turns to her.
"Other than the fact I don't like, know, want to know, or trust you? Yes." Greenlee says bluntly. I step in.
"Greenlee, please don't talk to my fiancée that way." I say. She glances over at me. We fall into a semi awkward silence for a few tense seconds.
"That was outta line. I'm sorry." she finally forces out. I sigh and Reese nods.
"I'm gonna....go." Reese says. I try to stop her but looks from both of them tell me to back away. I just remain silent until Reese is out of earshot back in the building. I look at Greenlee angrily.
"What the hell was that?" I ask her. She shrugs.
"That? Me telling the truth." she says. I sigh deeply. "Look Bianca, even though I might not act like it I do love you. You're my little cousin and I care about my family. I don't trust Reese but if you really love her I can back off. If you love her that is." she says. I look at her face on.
"Are you insinuating something Greenlee?" I ask. She stares at me.
"Yep." she says simply sitting down on one of the chairs here. I sit beside her.
"I love her." I say. She scoffs.
"Just like I love Ryan." she says.
"Bu-"
"Infatuation isn't love." she whispers. "I just wish he'd realize that." she adds. I frown confused until...
"Greenlee, we need to talk." Ryan bursts out. I feel uncomfortable now. But strangely i don't feel like I'm drowning anymore.