A/N: Still don't know where this is going. UWU

2:

"MUCK! CAN YOU COVER FOR US-"

"WAITWAITwait!" In Aldborne, England, Edward wanted to ring Dick on the telephone to wish him a happy birthday. Eugene pointed out that Winter's host family was only a few blocks away, but the nearest working phone was several. Or twenty. Living in the one and only Herbet Sobel's office.

It was ridiculous.

"If I don't write this letter to Winters for his birthday, you're going to risk Sobel's office to call him?"

"Yep!"

"You think that a punishment from fucking Sobel is worth more than Winters laughing at your shit-ass grammar."

"Ostensibly."

"What word doesn't work there-"

"MUCK! COVER!"

"Oh my god, these fireflies are so awesome!"

"Keep moving."

"Here, look! Watch how they-" Eugene let a branch flick back and smack the loud soldier in the face. Why they were creeping through the undergrowth near the mansion that housed the main personnel of the American Army was beyond his grasp- Edward had insisted on this ducking and diving bullshit, traipsing as if they were not heading for likely pain of torture and death.

Edward had also insisted that they creep out near midnight, so on the very first millisecond of the next day, Winters would feel loved.

There were fucking spiders everywhere.

Fur fucks sake.

Luck was on their side, impossibly, as Sobel came grumbling past on his way to the toilets.

Two great big doors and nine small ones later, not to mention all the wrong turns, Edward and his unwilling accomplice found themselves at the phone; safe behind the locked office door. He was certain they had tracked muddy boot prints to point out exactly where they were headed, and how spasmodically odd their path was, but pointing this out to Edward would be moot.

"Alright, let's just call Dick and get out of here-"

"Oh, I'm so stupid!"

"You don't say."

"No, really! Winters host family household doesn't have a phone!"

"Call Nixon."

"What? Why?"

"Just do it." He would have said 'trust me', but their relationship was intrinsically built on it. It goes without saying when you're that close. Edward flicked on the desk lamp, just in case he didn't get the right number. Major Horton's phone was one numeral different… even though he was on leave in London. With a chuckle, in remembrance of Sobel's atrocious orienteering abilities, he dialed Nixon.

The speaker on the other end was certainly not Nixon. In fact, it was precisely the person Edward was looking for.

"Oh G- God, Lew... god, f-faster!"

Eugene tamped down the flush that was furiously trying to spread across his face, caught between wanting to laugh and to hang the phone up. Edward did neither- rather, he just turned to Eugene and pointed to the phone: emitting rough pants and a few groans, undertoned by the rhythmic creaking of wood. Ed's childish smile pulled a painful grin from him, dreading yet anticipating the moment that the airhead realized just what was going on. He mustn't know what Nixon's first name is, he thought.

"Hey, it IS Winters! You were right, Gene!" There was a lull in the movement on the other side as- and Eugene was only guessing here- Winters checked the windows to see if they were closed. Then, the next place he would check should be…

"Wait, stop, stop! Nix… Is that…" There was a ruffle, a disapproving groan, and then Winters voice, mouth a little too close to the microphone, in total disbelief. "Babe?!"

"Haaaaappy birthday, Dick!" Edward crowed proudly, his beaming lighting up the room more than Sobel's shitty lamp ever could. Or maybe Eugene was slightly over-fond. Just a little. Less. Than infinitely. Eugene was too content with letting Edward grin in his own fantasy of 'I am doing something right and nice and not selfish and for another human being for once in my life' to point out that A] it wasn't Winter's birthday at all, and B] he had just interrupted Winters- otherwise 'engaged' with Nixon. Winter's response resonated confusion, uncertainty, and a dash of infuriation.

"It's not my birthday…"

"Oh, yeah… riiiight… when is your birthday again?"

"In four months…" The new piece of information, one which presented their entire quest to be a pointless exertion of energy and a waste of a night, didn't even put off Edward. Eugene mashed his head against the palm of his hand, hoping to relieve some of the stupid that his friend was radiating.

"Ahahaha! In four months! Ok. So what are you doing?"

"Me." A gravely, rough voice that the microphone just managed to pick up sent Edward in a coughing fit. Eugene simply smirked, waggling his eyebrows suggestively at his gagging friend.

"Nixon?! What are you- oh, OH NO-"

"Goodnight, Babe. Eugene."

"Sir." They hung up, still shell-shocked. Another silence settled, Eugene watching the cogs turn in his partner-in-attempted-crime's head with amusement… Until a loud banging of the front doors startled the pair. Sobel must have seen the light in the window. And the prints in the carpet. Time to get the hell out of there.

"So it's not his birthday."

"Yup." Stairs creaked and a single person's footsteps thudded up them. Three flights of steps. Twelve steps per flight: fifteen thumps. He was moving quickly.

"And we're in locked in Sobel's office." Outside, a key started jangling as it was fitted into the lock.

"Hehe, yeah." Oblivious. So stupidly, adorably, infuriatingly blind to the world. How the fuck did this man get into the 506? It was a wonder to behold. Eugene joined in with the laughter.

"Ha. Hahahaha… hahahahahAHAHAHAHAHA-"

"WHAT THE GODDAMNED HELL ARE YOU TWO DOING IN HERE?!" Quick as a flash, Eugene bolted for the door. All that evasion tactic training didn't go to waste after all. But Sobel grabbed Edward's arm, gripping the struggling Privates' arm tightly before he could escape. Of course, the captive man had to make a histrionic out of it.

"RUN, GENE! RUN! DON'T LOOK BACK! SAVE YOURSELF!" He howled, Sobel standing stock still, not so much as flinching.

The medic had no qualms in doing so, even when Edward's terrified squeaks of 'no explanation SIR! Please just let me live!' reached his ears as he raced down the stairs and out of the building.