Section 1: House Keeping
Q: What is a broom?
A: A what?
Q: What is a mop?
A: A drunken broom.
Q: What is "the laundry"?
A: A basket which you should hide your porn collection in. Cover it in dirty socks. No one will go near it.
Q: How do I do "the laundry"?
A: Fornicating with dirty clothes is disgusting and should not be attempted.
Q: That's disgusting!
A: Yes, that's what I said. Though I think women do something with some loud machine when they "do" the laundry. Just remember: If Padme ever gets a laundry basket while in bed, you hear someone calling you.
Q: Should I clean my room?
A: You have a room?
Q: How?
A: You may want to call a demolition team.
Q: Should I clean Obi-Wan's room?
A: I don't think that will be necessary.
Q: Should I clean Ahsoka's room?
A: Do you value your reproductive parts?
Q: Why is everyone yelling at me; I just cleaned their rooms!
A: Ignore the yelling. Run from the enraged Togruta with gardening shears.
Q: Why is my wife yelling at me?
A: Did you attempt to "do" the laundry?
Q: How do I wash the dishes?
A: Leave them in the sink for three hours and put them back in the cupboard.
Q: Was the washer supposed to explode?
A: No one has ever attempted to use a washer before, so I am unable to answer this question.
Q: What is a 'vacuum'?
A: A loud machine to be used when you need to terrorize a cat.
Q: What number should I call if I want people to come clean the house for me?
A: You will want to connect through information. People don't like to enter your house.
Q: Where do I put the tissues?
A: In the refrigerator and freezer.
Q: How do I clean the fireplace?
A: You don't. You claim you did, and pray no one can actually tell what a clean fireplace looks like.
Q: Where do the candles go?
A: That depends, are they functional, decorational, scented, from a family member, color coordinated, contributory or detrimental to the Feng shui, . . . .
Q: Sorry I asked.
A: I wasn't done.
Q: Where do the chairs go?
A: In the closet.
Q: Where does the table go?
A: Wherever your wife says it does.
Q: How do I set up the beds?
A: You don't. You hire Steve and his pickup truck to set them up.
Q: What?
A: Search the town until you find a heavily muscled man driving a blue pick up truck. He will set up your beds.
Q: Where do these go?
A: In a floor pile.