CHAPTER ONE:
You must not drop the tray. You must not drop the tray. My mind repeated the words over and over again- as my feet glided through the marble floor. The tick tock noise in the distance wrapped me in a veil of anxiety.
My body knew what was fast approaching, it always started the same way. The nightmare began with the feeling of weight being placed on my chest, that's how I knew what was coming. I would stare down at the ground and feel it shake under my feet, trying to make me fall and lose the remaining sanity I had left.
My body would became numb and the voices behind me got muted. I felt trapped in a nightmare and my lungs would stop welcoming air. My panic attacks lasted from five minutes to hours. Each one weakened my soul more and more each time.
I carefully placed the trays full of peach muffins, pastries and cobblers on the glass display case and took a deep breath. I couldn't let it take over me now. Eight a.m. was fast approaching and the doors of Hug in a mug Cafe would be opening. I needed to follow Doctor Ackerman's five-step program and step number one needed to be done today, but I wasn't sure I could do it.
I knew this was going to be difficult for me, I'd always been more comfortable in the kitchen behind walls that separated me from customers. I loved preparing the delicate pastries that made people want to come back and hated having anything to do with serving. I shook my head, of course today was not the day for me to start the steps. I needed to carefully plan it and figure out a way to execute it without breaking down. Today was most definitely not the day to face my demons.
"Ana, don't you dare back out of it." Ethan my co-worker and best friend said as he came out of the kitchen.
"I don't think I can do this," I admitted and held back the tears that were threatening to appear. He knew I didn't do new people and I'd never served anyone before.
"You really have no choice now, Hannah called in sick and I can't serve the whole restaurant by myself." he told me, but this had my aunts' name all over it. Of course she would make the most responsible worker call in sick so that I would be forced to do this.
"Take a deep breath Ana, I'm going to unlock the door." he told me squeezing my hand gentle. "I'll help you as much as I can."
I nodded my head knowing I couldn't leave. Ethan had always been good to me and I knew how busy the Cafe got on Fridays. I was afraid of what would happen but, I couldn't back out so I put a fake smile on my face and prepared myself.
I stood watching as people walked in and out of the cafe never moving more than two steps forward and then two steps back to where I was. I tried forcing myself, but I couldn't move. I was glued to my spot.
"How about her?" Ethan asked as his eyes pointed to the woman sitting in the tables placed on the patio of the restaurant. He was holding empty plates in his hands as he helped me plan my next move.
"No not her," I hesitated.
"Come on Ana you have avoided at least ten customers." he barked.
"I know, I'm scared." I tried to cry out, but it only came out as a croak.
"How about you agree that no matter who it is you will serve the next customer?" Ethan presented an idea as if everything was that easy.
I shook my head, was he out of his mind?
"Well I need to go serve the lady outside, so you have no choice now." he bickered as he waved bye to me. I begged him not to leave me but he ignored me.
I stood just behind the counter praying that no customer would arrive until Ethan had came back. However, I'd always know I had bad luck. The worst. My heart began to beat fast as the door opened slightly. Then my eyes caught a tall man walking in. He was wearing a black pair of sunglasses and a baseball cap. I didn't recognized him. I moved my gaze away immediately too scared he would see me looking at him.
I forced my mind back to my dilemma. Dammit. I had to serve him. I took a moment to gather myself and without another thought I let go of the counter I was holding for dear life. It felt like I was in a daze as I walked to the booth he was sitting on.
"Welcome to Hug in a Cup Cafe what can I get for you?" the words left my mouth as I struggled to retrieve my notepad where I had written down words to keep myself from running away. My anxiety was overwhelmingly pressing against my chest. The thought of having to speak to another human drove me to a dark place, a place where I knew it would take me days to recover from. Still, I couldn't back out now. I brought my gaze up slowly, feeling every beat of my heart. I will survive this... I will survive this. I attempted to calm myself down, but I couldn't.
I was surprise the moment my eyes caught a glimpse of the man sitting on the booth. He was no longer wearing his hat or sunglasses and he was very handsome. His storm grey eyes were merely grey; they were a sea colour. A stormy, treacherous sea that promised to tear apart anyone who looked into them. Still, I didn't care if they dragged me to hell at this point. All I wanted to do was to keep looking at him and indeed, I kept looking at him. Then my eyes moved away from his intense grey eyes and I took in his smooth, spade-shaped beard. He was breathtakingly delicious. Soon my school girl gazing was cut short as he cleared his throat. I wonder if he had notice me drooling over him? I felt completely stupid.
"I'll have a coffee, thanks." his raspy manly voice overwhelmed my body. Of course he would also have a sexy voice to go with his sexy face.
I nodded my head as a weird mumble in agreement left my mouth. I walked away embarrassed wanting the earth to swallow me. When I had arrived back behind the counter safely I took a much-needed breath. I reached for the napkin holder and checked myself in the reflection of the silver. Of course my hair resembled a birds nest. In an attempt to look more presentable, I fixed my hair and dusted off my black pants that were cover in what I could only presume was flour from backing this morning. When I had made myself more presentable I shyly looked back to where he was and couldn't deny he was very attractive. I'd never had the pleasure of meeting someone so good-looking before.
His spiked sleek hair reminded me of the rich soil of the ranch after spring rains, almost black in the shadows, but a light brown in the light. I wanted to run my hands through it and feel if in fact, it was as soft and silky as it appeared.
"You like what you see?" I was caught red-handed checking out the strange man as the voice of Ethan came from behind me. His piercing blue eyes amused at my interest.
"Have you ever seen him before?" I asked wondering how I'd never seen this man before. Athens, Alabama was known for its closed neighbourhood and tight community-based town. Everyone knew everyone. When someone moved in or moved out it was known quickly by everyone. That's the thing; news ran around like wildfire taking the life of trees in this town.
"Maybe he's just passing by?" Ethan said, and I knew I couldn't go back to that table again. Not after the fool I had made of myself. I knew I needed to finish what I had started as Dr. Ackerman wanted me to speak to someone new. But this man made me feel shy and scared.
"Can you please take him his coffee?" I asked him hoping he would agree.
"Ana, you know your aunt will kill me if I do this for you." he told me as his brow-raised and frustration took over his face. Ethan didn't know how to keep his emotions from showing on his face and that had been one thing that made me want to be friends with him. He always told me the truth, even if I didn't want to hear it.
"Please, she won't find out." I gave him my puppy eyes and that made him run a hand through his dirty blond hair, which was longer than usual. He was always on top of the way he looked, but today he looked different as if he didn't care about how he looked. That was odd for him.
"Fine, but you can't keep asking me to do this for you." He added, and I agreed with his statement. I knew I needed to work on my fear of people.
Ethan grabbed a cup, the pot of coffee and headed to the booth. I watched from the safety of behind the counter and couldn't explain why I couldn't stop staring at this mysterious man. I'd never felt such an intriguing feeling for anyone. I took a last long look at him and without a second thought I walked back to the kitchen where I belonged.
A loud huff left my mouth as the last customer had left. I felt the tension leave my body as I relaxed and leaned against the counter. The Cafe had just closed, and I was removing my apron when Ethan approached me.
"I think we should go out for drinks tonight," He so matter-of-factly said, "I need some girl talk." He smiled ever so sweet at me.
I shook my head immediately as the paranoia set in when I imagined being in a crowd of drunk people. "I think I'll pass on that."
Ethan lifted himself up into the counter and sat down. He looked at me with determination, "You'll never get over your fear if you don't give yourself the chance to try new things."
"You sound like my therapist," I muttered annoyed. I could only handle one person trying to tell me how to change my life at once.
"Fine, I won't push the subject." He tried not to look offended, "Anyways do you need me to walk you home?" Ethan had become my walking buddy ever since I had the panic attack that left me at the hospital. I had freaked out one night while walking home as I had thought someone was following me.
Yet, I knew it was time for me to try and do this on my own again. Ethan was not always going to be around to get me home and I needed to be more independent."I think I'll like to walk alone today." The moment the words left my mouth I wished I could take them back. Perhaps I was moving too fast thinking it was time for me to do this?
"Alright but call me when you get home," Ethan got off the kitchen counter, "-also if you change your mind let me know and we can hit a happy hour at ace of clubs." He pushed the subject again and I rolled my eyes. He had known me for two years and he knew I didn't do that... the whole bar scene. I barely did the grocery store if there was no other way.
"You know I won't change my mind. I wish you didn't push it so much." I told him, and he shrugged his shoulders. I was growing sick of him and my aunt pushing for me to change.
"I wouldn't be a good friend if I didn't." he blew a kiss at me and walked out the door leaving me alone with my thoughts. My life had become so sad. I barely went out and I spend all of my time here. I knew I should of had taken Ethan up on his offer but I just couldn't make my body move to go after him. I threw the cloth I was just cleaning with on the counter and exhale loudly annoyed.
By the time I was done cleaning the sun was setting and before long it would be dark. Anxiety rushed in as my heart raced with the possibilities. I hated to be out in the dark, especially alone. Walking twice as fast, I rushed to get to my house, glancing over my shoulder every few feet.
I could feel the people behind me, hear their footsteps, every time I turned to look, I saw more and more people. Before long I was jogging, trying to reach my house as fast as possible. The night was chasing me and so were the crowd of strange people.
A lonely tear fell down my cheek as I thought back to the last time I felt completely safe and anxiety free. I was only twelve-years-old and my parents were alive.
I tried pushing that out of my mind and once again picked up my pace as I turned the corner of the street knowing I was a few blocks away from home. I wasn't looking ahead as my eyes were glued to the ground, and before I knew it and could stop it, I was walking into someone. I felt to the ground at the impact and my eyes gaze up to see who the person was I had bumped into. My heart skipped a beat at the man standing above me. His grey eyes stared at me as he brought his hand out for me to take. I inhaled a mouthful of air and placed my hand on his, only to feel the intensity of the electricity that his touch made me feel.