CHARMEDED: THE MUSICAL
SCENE TWO: COMPARING PART 1
INT. MANOR - DAY. THE ENTIRE CAST IS SITTING AROUND THE KITCHEN TABLE. COLE AND PHOEBE, PIPER AND LEO, AND LAST AND DEFINITELY LEAST, PAIGE. THERE IS A LONG SILENCE. THEY ALL STARE AT EACH OTHER.
COLE: So...
PAIGE: So.
PAUSE.
PHOEBE: What the hell was that singing all about?
SUDDENLY THERE IS AN EXPLOSION OF CHATTER AS EVERYONE RECALLS THE SONG.
PIPER: Seriously Leo, it was awful.
LEO: Actually, I quite enjoyed it. I was up there, remember. Watching?
PAIGE: Oh. Hey, do you think I could ever go 'up there'? Since I'm half and half?
PIPER: I've said it once and I'll say it again - outcast.
PAIGE: I thought you called me a half-cast.
PIPER: Whatever.
LEO: ANYway, as it happens, up there they have no idea what's going on.
COLE: Doesn't seem to be causing much harm though.
PHOEBE: You can talk - at least you can sing!
PIPER: Yeah - imagine if Phoebe ever tried to release an album.
COLE: Imagine she released five!
ALL LAUGH, THEN AN UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE FALLS OVER THEM AS THEY REALISE THE HORRIBLE TRUTH.
PHOEBE: Okay. Anyway. So you think this singing, dancing stuff is safe?
PAIGE: You know, I kinda liked it!
PIPER: Yeah, but you're an idium and we have to make allowances for you.
PAIGE: (shouting) Why? Why do you have to make allowances? Is it... is it because I'm not Prue?
SILENCE FALLS. PAIGE BEGINS TO SING. OH DEAR GOD NO. PS - THIS COMPARING SONG, I THINK, IS ONE OF MANY!
PAIGE: Comparing, contrasting, can't you see
I'm not anybody apart from me
I understand you lost someone you love very much
But because she's not here I won't be your crutch
Maybe you should consider the pressure I'm under
PIPER: Shut up!
PAIGE: Hey - you stole my thunder!
PIPER: Our amazing sister no longer is heard
PHOEBE: Instead we've got a bug-eyed, pasty-faced retard!
PIPER: Good rhyme, idium.
PHOEBE: Least I can make my lover c*m!
EVERYONE'S JAW DROPS.
LEO: Phoebe! That was confidential!
UM... I DIDN'T WANT TO KNOW THAT... BACK ONTO THE SONG, YES?
COLE: Guys let's take this down a step
We're all grown-ups, let's all just check
We're not getting mad, and accusing at will
The third Charmeded One's role Paige has to fill
PAIGE: So let me do my duty, please
I'll try to do my best
I know I'm not the bee's knees
PHOEBE: I have a hairy chest!
PAUSE.
COLE: I'd say so if it wasn't true.
ALL LOOK LIKE THEY'RE ABOUT TO BE SICK. THE SONG ENDS ON THIS NOTE.
PIPER: Well, I guess you are a bit like Prue.
PAIGE: Yeah? In what way?
PIPER: We spend all our time taking the piss out of you.
PAIGE: Oh...
PIPER: Except, of course, with Prue it was always in a caring way.
PAIGE: (shouting) God damn! That's it! I'm outta here!
PIPER: No I'm outta here!
BOTH PAIGE AND PIPER TRY TO STORM OUT, BUT GET JAMMED TOGETHER IN THE DOORWAY. THEY SPEND A WHILE STRUGGLING, BEFORE LEO AND COLE HAVE TO LEVER THEM OUT WITH BIG STICKS. THEY LEAVE. THERE'S A PAUSE AS THE THREE REMAINING DOODS LOOKS AT EACH OTHER.
PHOEBE: Threesome
COLE AND LEO LOOK AT EACH OTHER.
BOTH: Yeah!
COLE: Me and Leo first!
COLE AND LEO EXIT, GIGGLING LIKE SCHOOLGIRLS.
PHOEBE: Oh... kay.
SHE EXITS.
Next song's a gem, folks.