Holy crap, you blow me away with your reviews!Thanks soon much for your enthusiasm. In return , here is a chapter.To be specific, this is an Addek story as in its about Addison and Derek. Pairings are MerDer for now. You'll find out the rest.
This is the debt I pay
Just for one riotous day,
Years of regret and grief,
Sorrow without relief.
Peds.
What- who - can be in Peds?
He knows he has no right to ask, to be concerned. What Addison made of her life after the divorce is none of his business,and he has never made it so.
But still. Why would his family be so worried about this child,if there even is one to begin with?
The calamitous end of their marriage had come as no surprise to any of them,but he hardly thinks they would be ... friends,with Addison.
In the end , it had been she who left him, a signed set of papers and a set of rings on the kitchen table in the trailer, an empty hotel room, a replacement in the NICU and six years of radio silence.
Well, not total silence. He knows she was in LA , with Sam and Naomi - another casualty of the divorce,he hasn't spoken to them since before he left New York.
She must have moved here at some point. Back to Mark.
Mark. His best friend to start with, the architect of the end of the Shepherds. His brother.
He hasn't seen him since that long-ago night their lives imploded.
He hasn't seen Nancy since her fleeting Seattle visit, Liz since so long he doesn't want to think about it. With Amy,it's been too long to count.
His mother, since she came to Seattle and gave him that ring, that stupid ring, that Addison was never right for and he's not sure Meredith was ready for.
He made a new life in Seattle, purged of the memories and the ghosts of his old one; the night he met Meredith he really was just a guy in a bar, he wasn't Derek Shepherd, he wasn't the top neurosurgeon on the East Coast, he wasn't married to Addison, he didn't care that he'd left behind three sisters and a mother and a grave in New York.
And it felt good. Like he was drowning, and then he came up for fresh air. God,what a cliché.
But it felt good, and he wanted, needed, to feel good,after what he'd walked in on.
So he let it go on the way it was, he left his Manhattan persona behind and became what Addison so eloquently described as a wood chopping flannel wearing fisherman.
Now,thrust back into the frantic pace of the city he's always loved, he feels it all coming back, guilt and regret washing over him.
They were interns here together,and then residents, then fellows,then attendings. The three of them. Sometimes when he sees Meredith with Cristina and Alex, he'll remember how they used to be, and he'll feel a little twinge of sadness. But only a little.
Now that he's here,it's unavoidable, every corner he turns, every door he opens, every familiar face, there's a story behind it.
His mother was in OR 2,where Addison got accidentally electrocuted their first year of residency after scrubbing in on an abdominal hysterectomy; he remembers taking her home after, suppressing laughter, Mark not bothering to, calling her Sparky for months afterwards.
The waiting room is where he told so many people that he had - or hadn't- been good enough to save their loved ones. OR 7 is where he did his first surgery and lost his first patient. The third floor west corner is his old office, someone else's now. The table at the back of the cafeteria, still rickety, but occupied by different interns now. The bus stop outside where they used to struggle to stay awake long enough to collapse into seats. The locker rooms, the on call rooms, the closets, one of them tugging the other in, breathless and laughing, so young. Young enough to believe it would always be that way.
He's older now. Cynical. He knows that soon enough friendship turns into betrayal,the laughter fades away, that sometimes its not enough to be the best, and suddenly one day they're no longer young enough and no longer stupid enough to believe in always.
"She's awake." a nurse tells them.
He's dimly aware of his sisters moving around him,Meredith's hand clamped around his like a vise, of being pulled forward into a tiny brightly lit glass cubicle, of his mother lying small and grey in a bed that swallows her.
"Derek?" his mother sounds surprised, and it hurts. Like it should.
"Hey,Mom." he works his face into a smile, running a subtle hand over her skull, looking closely into her eyes as he hugs her .
"Girls,what did you tell him to get him out here?" she laughs hoarsely."My word, you look older."
She touches the new strands of gray in his hair, looking a little sad. "I expect you'll say the same for me."
"No,you're as young as ever ." he manages, wondering when his mother was replaced by this diminutive white haired woman.
"What happened?" she asks suddenly,looking to her daughters. "We were in the car, and then -oh. Oh, god, is -"
"Ma." Nancy says sharply."You need to calm down."
"But-"
"Well talk later."
"I need to know. Elizabeth,tell me she's all ri-"
Nancy digs sharp nails into his arm as she yanks him into the hallway.
He shakes her off easily; gone are the days when she was taller or stronger.
"Tell me what the hell is going on?" he asks, ignoring her annoyed glare.
"No."
"Who is she talking about? Was there someone in the car with Mom? And why in the world is Addison here?"
"She has more right to be here than you do." Nancy hisses, inches from his face. "And you'll stay here,with Mom. I have something I need to do. ."
She strides past Meredith, who emerges from his mother's room, confusion etched on her face.
"Liz asked me to get ice ch...Derek?"
She looks slightly worried, standing on tiptoe to peer at him. "Derek, earth to Derek."
"What?" he startles, pulling away slightly.
She looks a little hurt."You spaced out. Mom's going to be fine,Derek, don't worry."
"I'm not," he smiles down at her. "Let's go get that ice."
He's learned the hard way that it's better to leave Addison to her own devices.
"Oh,good, you're back." his mother says brightly when they return with a cupful of melting ice. "And Meredith, how nice to see you. How was the wedding?"
Oh god.
"Ma," he says gently, handing her the ice. "It wasn't a real wedding,you know that."
"I know, I know. You went to City Hall. But a weddings' a wedding, Derek,you could at least have told me. You know, a phone call, or something. Hey Mom I got married would have been enough."
"I'm sorry."Meredith says sincerely."I should have thought of it, but I'm not really good with the whole family thing."
"Oh." Carolyn says curiously, staring at her.
"Mom, you need to rest. You can interrogate us in the morning, I promise." he tucks the covers around her shoulders, hoping the medication might have made her mmore pliant than before.
"And you'll still be here? In the morning?"
"Of course." he replies.
"Derek? What happened? Was I in an accident? Is - oh my god . Is-"
"Mom!" Nancy says loudly. "You were in an accident-"
Someone drags hI'm out of the room, Meredith in his wake.
"It's common,after surgery..." Jeff is saying soothingly, but all he can think about us the second person who appears to have been in the car, this person they won't talk about.
And Addison's here, and she's worried.
What is going on?
He's woken from his brief nap by blinding sunlight in his face and Liz's voice in his ear.
"Okay,guys, I'm leaving. I have patients backed up into next week and the kids will be home soon, so ... Derek, you are staying, right?"
Liz freezes halfway through forcing the zipper on her handbag closed, and he has a sudden memory of Meredith doing the same, balancing Zola on one hip as she crammed toys and snacks and clothes into her seemingly bottomless bag.
Zola.
She's probably on her second or even third foster family by now, his Zola, who loves grapes but not grape jelly and the Clash and sleeps on her right side with her left thumb in her mouth.
He wonders if her new parents know this,if they know they have to cut her food up for her and the right ointment for her incision site and what to watch for if her shunt gets blocked and...
"Derek," Liz is snapping her fingers in his face."How long are you here?"
"As long as she needs me to be." he jerks his head towards the room. "I'll call Richard now, let him know."
She pauses, disbelieving. "Sure you can manage that?"
"Why not? She's my mother." he replies, stung.
"Well,it's not like you've really managed to be around for much of anything the last eight years."she says acerbically.
Touche.
"Sorry."he says,humbled.
She softens a little. "Derek, I-"
"Liz. Lizzie, could you pick up Josh too? Please?" Nancy says brightly as she swings around the doorway,sending him thirty years back to when he had to share a room with her.
"Yeah." Liz says slowly, collecting herself. "I can. But it has to be today,Nancy, or I'll do it my way."
"Whatever." Nancy flops into a chair next to him,scuffing her foot into the worn carpeting.
He has, at this point,given up asking. A night spent in the cramped waiting room and the uncertainty that has been eating at him since they arrived ten hours ago has left him exhausted and cranky, and he's not sure he even wants to know what they're hiding - in his experience, the things that Addison hides are usually explosive.
He does not want explosive, right now, what he wants is to go back to Seattle and go back to his OR and lose himself in the adrenaline rush of surgery until he doesn't have to think about any of it.
He fingers his blackberry nervously, torn between asking Richard for time off and begging him for a surgery that will necessitate his departure from here.
"Where's Meredith?"
"Finding an extra pillow." he yawns; his mother has been ... demanding. Pillows,ice chips,the air conditioning too high or too low, the pain meds aren't working, then they're too high and making her fuzzy, the blankets are scratchy.
She's had him and Meredith running back and forth from the nurses station all night , and it doesn't help that he suspects the charge nurse- a dominating curly haired woman by the name of Marian - may have recognised him, because he's heard his and Addison's name mentioned at least twice in the hallways.
"Where's Addison?"
"About that..." Nancy clears her throat. "She wants to speak to you."
Funny she didn't feel that way six years ago.
"What about?" he asks listlessly, peering down the hall to see if Meredith has managed to find another flat pillow for his mother to complain about.
"I'll let her tell you."
His eyes snap back to his sister. " Nancy, I don't have the time to be playing games with Addison; I was done with that years ago. Just spill, whatever it is,and if I need to talk to her, I will."
" But that's just it,Derek, don't you see? That's your problem. Sometimes it not about what you need. You've never understood that, have you."
And now here he is, in a cheery yellow hallway up on seven north, wondering why anyone would think it was a good idea to paint bug-eyed zoo animals on the walls; he has the distinctly creepy feeling of being followed as he looks for room 720.
"Excuse me, can you-" he stops short when he sees who he's accosted. "Weiss?"
"Hey,Derek. How's Carolyn?" he says. He sounds unsurprised to see him, even though it's been... six years.
Six years since Savvy's surgery. Six years since she decided to effectively end her chances of becoming a mother.
What is Weiss doing on Peds?
" She's fine... Weiss, man, what are you doing here? Savvy here too?"
How does he even know what happened?
As far as he knows, Savvy was Addison's friend first, they were college flatmates, and she got custody of Savvy and by extension, Weiss, in the divorce. He hasn't spoken to either of them since.
"Nah,she headed home earlier, she was here all night...what did you say you were up here for?" he asks forcedly,gesturing at their surroundings.
But I didn't say.
"Nancy told me that Addison wanted to say something to me,thought I'd get it over with."
It's perfectly reasonable, he thinks, that Addison would ask to see him here; it's her floor,her territory.
Passive-Aggressiva, if you will. He remembers putting a post - it to that effect on the doors of her NICU here once; it had been a running joke for months with the staff.
"Don't be like that."Weiss reprimands halfheartedly. "You should-"
"Weiss, the time to decide what I should and shouldn't do with Addison is long gone. Did you stop by to see Mom?"
"No, I was actually just on my way down there."
"I'll be down in a minute." he promises; this won't take long.
"Hm."
He's already walking away, mind racing, when Weiss calls after him.
"Just hear it out, okay?" and then he's gone, leaving Derek alone with his reeling thoughts.
Savvy was here all night and now Weiss too,but they can't possibly have children unless they adopted and I'm pretty sure I'd have heard about it,from Weiss at least.The girls are acting all cagy and whispering and no one's finishing a single sentence, Mom hasn't let us sit still for a second since we got here.Addison wants to see him.
He wonders if the sleep deprivation has finally gotten to him, and he's now hallucinating, because it's the only plausible explanation for what is going on.
Room 720 turns out to be one of the private ones, a fuzzy TV and an extra window with an appreciable view of the East River.
He knows this from memory, because Addison is standing outside it, her body draped across the doorframe, as if she's actually trying to stop him from entering.
She still in the black trousers and crumpled blouse from yesterday, her heels high and her eyes on the floor.
When she looks up he's assailed by the ocean blue depths of her eyes; even ringed in plum shades of tiredness, they're beautiful.
He used to be good at this, the game of her emotions, gauging her moods from the set of her jaw, the tone of her voice, the way she crossed her legs. Now, when he looks into her eyes, it's like looking into unfamiliar waters, he can't gauge the depth, the temperature. The safety, of taking the plunge.
"You came." she sounds relieved.
"You summoned. It's a habit I can't seem to break." he says, perversely pleased at the slight flush spreading over her cheekbones.
"We should-" she gestures vaguely towards an empty family room, still not budging from her post in the doorway.
"Nancy said you wanted to tell me something." he leans against the wall opposite, eager to have it over with.
"Not here. Please." she asks, and this docile behaviour shocks him into agreeing.
She follows him into the little room, closing the door behind them.
"So?" he turns to her, and she crosses her arms over her chest defensively.
No rings, he notices.
"There's something I need to tell you." she begins, tracing the industrial pattern of the carpet with a toe of the foot she's slipped out of its leather pump.
"Clearly."
She looks up at him from her chair, eyes unreadable. " This is... hard for me, Derek, I need you to understand that."
"I'm done, Addison, with trying to understand you. I don't have to anymore, and back when I actually did, it was hard enough, so please, just say it."
She breathes deeply,lips slightly parted, eyes searching his, in her classic I'm -about -to -drop-a-bomb posture, and then- "Are you and Meredith married? Legally?"
"Yes. Although what that has to do with anything,I have no idea."
" You're happy, now." It's a statement.
"Yes."
"You're settled? In Seattle?"
"Yes. Addison, -"
"Hear me out." she holds up a palm and he takes the opportunity to note again that there are no rings.
"Do you - did you ever -want kids?" she asks,almost a whisper, eerily prescient of his current state of mind.
A cold feeling begins to creep over him,rooting him to the spot,staring at the woman before him. Could she have...no.
She might be Satan, she might be an adulterous bitch, but she would never- would she?
He is legally married to Meredith, he is happy now. Well,was, until about last week, but mostly, yes.
And they are settled in Seattle, he's drawn up blueprints,they've broken ground,all they're waiting for is the go-ahead.
And he does want kids. He always has, but it never happened with Addison, and now, he's not sure if Meredith's even ready.
But she will be. Someday.
So all of the answers he gave are the truth. Right?
"Addison,are we playing twenty questions? "
"No,I'm done." she says. "You didn't answer the last question, and I'm done."
She getting up now, automatically smoothing her clothes, brushing a hand across her cheek but of course she isn't crying, far be it from Addison Forbes Montgomery -whatever-she-is-these-days to cry in public.
"Add-"
"Bye, Derek. "
"Weren't you supposed to tell me something?"
She laughs,short and bitter. "When do I do the things I'm supposed to?"
She looks smaller,somehow, tired,standing there in the door with her back to him,her face turned in profile. It makes him soften a little.
"No, you never were too good with that."he chuckles. "It was nice,seeing you."
Eleven years of marriage, fifteen years of knowing this woman, and this is what's left to say.
Nice seeing you.
"Likewise."she says,her voice thick, and he takes a step towards her, screaming silently at himself to get the hell away.
Vulnerable Addison is his ...kryptonite. She always so together, self sufficient, independent, that for the greater part of their relationship he felt ancillary,like she didn't need him. Not the way he needed her.
So when she falls apart,when she cries, when she lets the walls crumble, he's never been able to resist being able to hold her unresisted, stroke her hair,soothe her. Feel needed. Maybe Meredith was right. Maybe he is just an arrogant god complex surgeon.
But he knows Addison, she doesn't break down in hospital waiting rooms, especially not the ones where she works. Whatever this is, it's something big, and if it's enough to crush Addison, he's not sure he can stand to hear it.
Did you ever want kids?
He's pushing scenario after unlikely scenario from his mind, rejecting each because Addison wouldn't do that.
No matter how brutal their divorce had been, she wouldn't have.
And it's not something she could have hidden is it? Someone would have told him. His mother, at least, she would have told him.
He's so close to her now he could reach out , if he wanted, and touch her shoulder, brush limp strands from her face, give her the comfort she needs.
They stand like that for a while,breathing in tandem, her body tense and coiled like she's about to run, his rigid with fear as he gathers every scrap of courage he has to ask the question that hangs in the space between them.
His phone buzzes against his hip and he flips it open as a welcome distraction, stepping past Addison into the hallway, breaking the moment.
"Derek, we need to leave."
"Wh- Meredith. I just told Richard I was taking the week off, I cancelled all our surgeries. Why do we need to leave?"
"Derek, please , just... Alex. He swung something with the judge, told her something about the drug trial, that I'm not actually a cold unfeeling bitch or something and... we have a chance, Derek, we have a chance with Zola, we need to leave right now."
Thoughts? I'd love to hear them!
Poem : The Debt, Paul Laurence Dunbar.Please review! It makes me faster.