"I'm not sleeping" ...the words come out in whisper, their distinct meaning cannot hope to reach their intended recipient...but yet my partner raises his head, recognizing the attempt at communicating...
He pulls his chair into the desk, reducing the distance my next words will need to travel, but carefully not crowding me, not heaping more pressure on me...
"I couldn't sleep..." I push the confession out breathily.
He just nods softly...
"How did you know?" I know there are many more important things I should be saying, but I need to know what gave me away...
He shrugs a little, almost throwing off the question... but I want...no, I need an answer, so I reluctantly make myself even more vulnerable, to a man I know I can trust... "I didn't realize..."
His eyebrows raise slightly at this, but as he sees its truth... "I guess I was on the look out...and every time you were confronted with a news broadcast, another accusation...you'd just disconnect...it was never as obvious as turning off the radio in the car, but you would talk over it...or pull out your phone...or find something 'fascinating' to watch out the window..."
I open my mouth to tell him that could have been coincidence, but he seems to know what I was about to say...
"...everytime Amanda!"
I nod guiltily...I'm not sure why I felt the need to try and defend myself by disputing his observation, when he is right... but it so hard to admit the truth I am only processing for myself now...
"It's...This is not...Shit Fin! This has nothing to do with me! It's not in my backyard! It's not like Patton, or Lewis...it doesn't directly affect me! Hell, it's not even like discovering there's a pedophile working alongside you!"
Shit! My frustration overrode my mouth...but before I can consider laughing it off or trying to backtrack...
"But that's why it's so hard 'Manda...because of Patton...because of Lewis...because of Abrahams..."
I chew on the inside of my cheek, deliberately not making eye contact, trying to understand what he is telling me...
"But this is not like any of them..." I whine, hating my inability to figure it out.
"Isn't it?" he posits quietly, "a man in a position of power...a serial offender who seemed to escape consequences of his actions over and over...a monster who seemed to have been hiding in plain sight..."
Duh! Ok, now I can see it...how stupid can you be Amanda!?
I'm embarrassed now, and still frustrated...like a piece of the puzzle is still missing...so once again my mouth engages without consulting me...
"Yeah but it's not like Patton is it? Cos she had the balls to do something about it!"
I don't know when my heart started racing or my breath started to come in labored gasps...
This man is my friend!
I hadn't connected the resurgence of so many of my previous "symptoms" to the scandal, but I wasn't clueless to it having an effect on me...maybe my state of exhaustion helps but I can't keep my walls up any longer...
"It's the #MeToo..."
His forehead scrunches in surprise, but he says nothing...
"God...finally...maybe if so many people come forward publicly...things will change..."
I'm not speaking clearly, none of my complex thoughts have been translated fully into language, but he seems to understand what I'm trying to say, nodding encouragingly...
"...Patton...raped me...and I can say it now...I even understand it! I didn't put myself in a bad situation...well actually I did. But that doesn't matter, I didn't ..." I take a big deep breath, looking my friend in the eye... "...it wasn't my fault!"
He smiles broadly at me, reaching out to pat my arm...
"...and I'd like to be one of the women out there...openly telling my...my story...but I can't...and it's not because I want the silence to continue...or that I want people to be ashamed...I just...I can't..."
"That's ok Amanda...you don't have to..." he waits until I look him in the eye again... "Not everyone is ready to make a public declaration...Not everyone can do it...and you work here everyday, helping to lift the stigma and shame, you help every victim to break the silence...and you broke the silence!"
"It doesn't feel like enough though...it feels like I should be more...more vocal...more visible...a better example...like Liv..."
He looks at me carefully, almost as if he is reading my thoughts...
"You say Liv is more 'vocal'...she fights for our victims tooth and nail...but she doesn't wear her experiences on her chest...her case was splashed all over the news, all over the papers but she very seldom references her own experiences...even with us...I think it's something very private...I can understand that you feel pressured to add your story to the chorus of voices, but that's not the only way to make a difference..."
There's a moment of quiet as we both consider...
Before we can say anymore, Liv comes out of her office with a scowling Barba in tow...
"Where's Carisi?" she asks, when a quick scan of the office yields no sign.
"Sorry I'm late Lieu..." an out of breath, and rather harried Sonny announces, as he hustles into the squad room just in time...
Fin can't help a chuckle..."Were you just waiting out there for your cue?"
Sonny looks back baffled, as we are treated to a Barba eye roll and a long-suffering sigh from Liv, as she leads us all over to the briefing screen.
"This is a waste of time, we just deal with cases as they come to us..." Barba grumbles as Liv picks up the remote...
"As I'm sure everyone is very aware..." she starts with a pointed glare at Barba... "there is currently a lot of media interest in accusations of a wide variety of sexual offences against a Hollywood producer...and a growing list of celebrities..."
"Have we got accusations Lieu?" Carisi interjects quickly...but Liv just shakes her head in answer...
"A social media campaign was kick-started by the scandal breaking and #MeToo is now trending internationally with many regional variations...1PP anticipate an increase in reports of sexual crimes across the board, as people gain the confidence to come forward..."
I don't look in his direction, but I can feel Fin surreptitiously watching me.
Barba is still scowling, only silenced from voicing his displeasure at the 'unnecessary briefing', by the frequent glares Liv is shooting at him.
"More people coming forward can only be a good thing!" Carisi announces excitedly, a flash of his youthful exuberance once more showing... "Isn't it?" he adds when his exclamation isn't greeted with the delight he expected.
"It is good...but a lot of the reports will be for crimes committed months and years ago..." Fin explains grudgingly...
"The statute of limitations..." Carisi finishes dejectedly...the realisation of the situation crashing down on him...
"And evidence may be degraded or unavailable entirely..." Barba adds..."Which makes trying the cases difficult or even impossible..."
The group is now quiet, as we all consider having to essentially turn away victims...
"We may not be able to help every person find justice..." Liv continues "...but that doesn't mean there is nothing we can do...we can put them in touch with resources that can help them deal with everything they are feeling, and we can always help by just listening and validating their experience as wrong...It is amazing how much value even that simple gesture has...so don't underestimate it."
We all nod our understanding. We have seen, time and time again, how much it means to the men and women who come to us, to be told it was not their fault...
"So it's like when a popular show does a sexual assault storyline, we expect a spike in people reaching out..." Carisi mutters...
"Hopefully it's not so short lived..." Fin adds quickly.
"If 1PP had suggestions about how to make sure it's not a temporary thing...well, that's a briefing that would be worth while!" Barba adds.
Liv scowls back at Barba. This is apparently something that has been long discussed between the ADA and Lieutenant.
"And it is also very important to make clear notes and record every accusation to ensure that we can identify names that are repeated...patterns...all the things that can stop escalations...or even to possibly strengthen pending, or future cases..." Liv finishes.
"Cos these dirtballs are never on their first crime..." Fin echoes with a scrunched brow, his thoughts no doubt wandering through his years in this unit.
There is a moment of silence as we all ponder this statement...
"I've been reading some of the stories people have posted Lieu...there are some that clearly name attackers...it's frustrating that the law hasn't caught up with technology..." Carisi says, "My law school head wants to rave about everyone being "innocent until proven guilty" about how every accused person is entitled to the protection of the law...and then my heart wants to see a man who can do something like that named, to protect the public and to feel some sort of consequence..."
This time it's our ADA who nods eagerly.
"And therein lies one of our problems, Carisi...mob justice very seldom actually yields any justice..."
Liv dismisses us back to our current cases as her phone summons her once more. She can be heard trying to placate Dodds, assuring him that we will, indeed, be ready to deal with the new allegations that are expected...
"Amanda! Can I speak to you for a moment?" Barba asks softly.
I nod, wondering what I've done this time...
When Fin leaves he closes the door behind him and Barba drops into a chair.
"How are you?" he asks with a calculating look.
"Fine..." I hastily respond.
He begins to roll his eyes and tries to stop himself... "Really!? Amanda, how are you?" he says in a voice that is miles from the man who can hold a courtroom completely rapt. "Because...I'm not fine...and I haven't been through what you have..."
The words are wholly unexpected and completely shock me.
"I'm shocked...appalled...I wasn't naive...even before coming to work in SVU...and some of the things we see...Well..."
His voice quivers slightly, on anyone else it would be almost imperceptible but it feels like he is trying to lower his defenses for me...to show me he is not unaffected...
"This...scandal...is making me rethink everything...I like to think I'm a thoughtful man...that I am aware of my own "blind spots" ...and can recognize when I am unfair, or showing some sort of unintended bias. I would like to believe I know the difference between right and wrong...especially on this subject...but I'm overthinking every gesture...I worry if, perhaps, a hand placed on a colleague's shoulder which was meant as comforting, was in fact, felt to be inappropriate..."
I can see that he means what he is saying... and once more my mouth opens with no contact from my brain...
"And yet the guys that should be thinking about it, are the ones who have disregarded everything as 'hysterical women raving about nothing'..."
He takes a deep breath...but my mouth is not finished yet. The truths I was loathe to share with my partner start to roll off my tongue...
"I'm not sleeping...it all feels so 'new' again...like when it happened...or when Patton..."
The unintended monologue grinds to a halt, I want to say "when Patton raped Reese Taymore", but the word "raped" is stuck somewhere deep inside me...
"That's what I mean...I can't say the word...I've learned to own it, and again it's ...just gone..."
Even I can hear the distress in my own voice.
I'm sure that the man before me begins to reach out, to make some sort of comforting, or understanding gesture...but seems to rethink the contact...and he fidgets self-consciously for a moment...his hands splaying in a sort of "see what I mean too...?!." gesture.
Oddly it is the most human of gestures, from a most unlikely source, that allows the thoughts that I couldn't give voice to a way out...
"I was terrified that's all I would ever see from y'all...that discomfort...that unease...after the truth about Patton started to come out...But you didn't make me feel like that...
I'm not saying I didn't feel awkward, but none of you made me feel...weak. I felt that way...that I was weak...for letting him...for not...but you were all so understanding...
I've always thought a lot about what I would like to say to you...but...I didn't know how to go about it..."
I shuffle a little, looking down at my feet, already deep into unfamiliar territory...Barba was the one that first heard the words escape my lips, and our relationship noticeably softened afterwards, but we don't speak like this! I cannot however, let this opportunity to thank him, pass by...
"Barba, you were great... I didn't feel like I lost your...respect...but I didn't have much respect for myself...
And now I feel so vulnerable all over again...
I worry the southern 'darlin' that once came so naturally to my tongue, could now be grounds for a disciplinary hearing...
I'm terrified to admit that some of the complaints of inappropriate comments or even behavior...I don't think I would have...I mean I don't know all the circumstances...and it is of course a very personal thing... "
I know I'm rambling now, terrified that I'm saying something horribly inappropriate myself...so I take a deep breath and look at the man before me...
"...I guess I just worry that we don't all see things the same way...for me, it depends on who is saying something...like Fin occasionally calling me 'Baby', I've no problem...but some guy in a store doing it...but then again, it might depend on how he says it? And if I'm not sure what would be inappropriate to me, how can anyone else know what they can and cannot say?"
He nods thoughtfully...
"It's brilliant the conversation has been started...and hopefully we are run ragged investigating bad guys...that no one is afraid to report...that we can get justice for people...
The MeToo campaign is amazing...it's only because there are so many people speaking that it has so much power...but so many men are being accused on social media...they have no way of really disputing any allegations...there's no way of vindicating themselves...
I mean, obviously any criminal actions are wrong...there is no excuse for any type of sexual assault...or harassment...but...some of the actions that's don't rise to the level of a crime...were some of them really awkward pick up attempts like that musician speculated? Was the guy trying to compliment a girl and didn't mean any harm?
I feel like the worst hypocrite...I know what it's like to not be believed...and here I am questioning other people..."
"No! Amanda, I totally understand...I've had so many of the same thoughts myself...and a couple of high profile men have committed suicide after allegations have been made... it feels a bit like I'm sure of the rules anymore...
Every victim..."
He stops and seems to completely shed his prosecutorial armour, donning the mantle of his own, carefully guarded feelings, leaving only the man, standing before me.
"Amanda, I've seen how hard it is for every man and woman who has the guts to come forward...I've imagined so many times how I would deal with such a situation...I'm not sure I would have that strength. I cannot imagine how I would deal it...Every man or woman who makes an accusation must be believed and helped...but I worry too, for the man who is mistaken for a rapist because he carries the same name that has been seen on Twitter...or someone whose clumsy attempt to comfort a friend or colleague leads to him being named and shamed on Facebook as some sort of predator...I worry that could be me..."
This powerful, confident, intelligent man admitting his own confusion, at the seemingly unending reverberations to a scandal, that started when one powerful tycoon was unmasked, calms me.
"I feel like I'm letting everyone down...by not posting my own story, by not putting #MeToo on my social media...It feels like I am part of the problem...like I want the silence..."
"Amanda, I saw you put your own feelings aside, to try to help Detective Taymore...you didn't wind up on that stand to help yourself, but to help her...and to prevent a predator from escaping justice. You have already proved your strength.
I also worry that there is a sort of pressure associated with this campaign, as wonderful as it is. Not everyone is ready, or able to splash their experiences all over public forums...that is not to say that they are trying to hide...or trying to maintain the silence that surrounds any sort of sexual harassment, abuse or violence... I think, in it's purest form, #MeToo is a way to start the discussion...to tell everyone who has suffered any sort of bad treatment, abuse or violence that it is not okay...that they deserve better...that they are not the only ones, and that they have done nothing wrong because there is nothing they can do to make anything like that okay..."
I nod along as he speaks, my teeth chewing on the corner of my mouth...
"You have spent your entire professional life trying to make it possible for people to get help when they have been hurt like this..." he continues and it feels like perhaps this is more familiar ground for him...
"So have you Barba!"
He nods with a slight smile.
"I am proud to say that I have been working towards that goal since I started in SVU."
"And you were brave enough to start this conversation with me...I really appreciate that gesture, it can't have been easy...I'm really grateful for how honest you have been with me..."
He responds with a brief tip of his head as he stands, gathering up his sheaf of papers.
"Why did you think this briefing was a waste of time?" I ask before I can think about the question...
"Because briefing a squad of officers that deal with victims coming forward every day, with incredible grace and empathy, is a waste of time. The briefing should have been this squad instructing 1PP on what resources and manpower are needed to make a lasting difference...This squad should be the ones making decisions on how to ensure this social media campaign can be parlayed into real changes in how we, as a society see, and deal with sexual assault and harassment...
We can all make a difference, in not blaming people when they disclose...even when the accused attacker is also someone known to us!...We can try not to assume that rape and sexual assault only happen to a certain type of person or in a certain type of situation...And those TV shows that cause a spike in reports of sexual violence when they feature a sexual assault, they make a difference...even when it seems the character that was assaulted is completely recovered by the next episode...because even that, gives survivors hope that life can return to some semblance of normal... and it shows survivors that they aren't the only ones...
This really is only the beginning of a very long, very intricate conversation..." he adds gently.
"I guess so...but it is a good beginning!" I answer, feeling a lot better than I have in days.
After a moment's consideration, the Counselor is all business once more, as he reminds me he needs paperwork on a current case "to put the jerk away for a long time".
I promise he will have it within the hour, and take a deep breath... "I just have something I need to do first..."
He closes the door with a small questioning smile.
Opening up my Facebook page I start typing...
I wholly support the MeToo campaign; let's make the legacy of this bravery, a world where people are free to be who they are, where no one stands by and allows anyone to be discriminated against or be abused, mentally, verbally or physically. Not everyone is ready to share their story but that does not mean they are staying silent either...healing is a journey. #NoMore silence #NoMore abuse #NoMore shame!