Fortitude in this Liminal Space Between Me and You

Chapter 2: Liberate

Sparrows trill high notes in the pine trees overhanging the courtyard walls, and from farther off, towards the city square, the sound of firecrackers could be heard. A raucous celebration for something or other that Allen was sure Rhode had mentioned over breakfast at the house, but like many things lately had failed to register. She had urged him to go with her. Her and the twins too. For the self-important upper class they were, they enjoyed the festivities that frequently roused the city a lot more than the stuffy obligatory gatherings held by other prominent families. But as with most things lately, Allen had declined without giving it much thought.

He'd meant to stay in, but that giant house was a terrifyingly lonesome place to be when it was empty. While he hated the family name, Allen very much cared for the peculiar bunch of people bearing the weighty title of Noah. The others made grand shows of pride at the name, but Allen knew at least at one time or another they'd all wanted nothing more than to escape the name and the responsibilities that came with it. No matter what you did or where you went, however, a Noah was a Noah for life. Tyki had said it best once, "Better to be clapped in shackles and chained in some dank cell somewhere, at least then there's the possibility of escape, but for us what can we do? How can we run from a name?" That had resonated deeply with Allen when he'd been younger.

For a time he thought Mana had figured it out, had been able to escape the cold world of the Noah, but Allen had seen firsthand how futile it was. His resistance had caused him nothing but agony, and returning to his duties as Earl had been ever more difficult because he'd tasted something sweeter and more serene. It had been probably just that change that broke him.

Mana had told him to keep walking, as if moving ever forward was an act of free will. How cruelly deceptive it was, those words meant to encourage. Ever moving when forced to- When there is no destination nor point of departure- Such a thing was the worst possible prison when all you wanted to do was settle down somewhere nice and quiet where you could watch the sun rise and set in the arms of your lover. The time he'd spent with Kanda was the closest Allen had ever gotten to that kind of dreamlike freedom. Ultimately though he'd still ended up back at the main estate.

More fireworks and laughter echoed through the night air as Allen found himself at the only place he'd ever been able to call his own. Hand settling upon the rough woodgrain of the back door, he idly noted the varnish had mostly worn away. Allen always entered through the back door. And though he'd never asked, Kanda had taken to doing the same. The front of the house was quaint, but the walk was all cobblestone and Allen much preferred the small courtyard garden that lead up to it from the back with the rich scent of grass and the crunch of shifting stones beneath his feet – even now with its impoverished shrubs, thirsty drooping flowers and weeping cherry trees. The stones too showed their neglect on the surface – no longer white.

Pushing the door open, Allen reveled in the brief moment of relief that washed over him as he was welcomed by the familiar scents of the house. The air was stale from the years of neglect – it was the first time he'd been back since Kanda left – yet everything was the same as that day. A glance towards the kitchen revealed the pocket mirror still lying atop the counter, albeit now covered in a thin layer of dust.

Leaning his forehead against the bedroom door briefly, Allen closed his eyes and he could swear he could hear the gasps and breathless calls from that night. Flopping face first on the bed he choked and coughed as a cloud of dust roused from atop the long still linens. Fanning it away with his hand, eyes squinted he wondered if it had really been so long since he'd come to this place that it already bore all the scars of abandonment. Shaking his head, Allen fluffed a pillow, hitting it again, and again, until at last it seemed the dust had cleared. Slender arms encircled it, hugging it against him and burying his nose in the fabric, Kanda's scent still lingering there. Allen felt increasingly parched, licking dry lips as he nuzzled the pillow, willing it to become the man it smelled like to quench his unrelenting thirst. For a moment he thought he heard Kanda's voice echoing through the house, then his own – bickering, laughing, living – more phantom sounds. Memories.

Eyes closed Allen could almost feel the ghostly caress of calloused fingers on his cheek, and neck, and- Eyes snapping open, Allen stood abruptly, tossing the pillow back atop the sheets and stalking to the door in hurried strides. It was too much. Far too much.

He left through the front – a stark return to reality. Looking back at the house his eyes traced the myriad scratches marring the door around the lock from repeatedly errant key, a wistful smile softening his gaze and turning his lips. Here he stood, alone. Once there had been Mana, then there had been Cross – his drunken nights surely the cause of the scratches around the lock. Then there had been Kanda. It felt like a lifetime ago when he'd found the man broken and battered in a dismal alley in town and had brought him back to the house. It had been so long since the times when they'd shared this place that was filled with so much pain and joy and passion.

He turned, boots echoing empty sounds down the road, the still partying city sounds becoming distant in his ears.

xXx

"I don't know much about you, but I should think that something like this would be rather oppressive."

Looking up from his tea, silver irises met the single uncovered emerald gaze of his guest.

"I suppose, at times."

It had been Rhode who'd come across Lavi in town the other day. She'd never been fond of Kanda, but like Tyki, she wanted very much for Allen to be happy. So having seen the redhead who she knew was acquainted with the absent man, she'd dragged him back to the estate. Unfortunately he was none the wiser of where Kanda had gone off too, but the few times Allen had been in Lavi's company had been nothing but a pleasure so it wasn't all a loss.

"And at other times?"

Lavi smiled easily, but his eye was dark with concern after hearing the details. He'd gone off on a journey with his mentor before Kanda had even left, and knew only that despite his brashness and don't give a fuck attitude, he did care that Allen's status meant there would always be a gulf between them – he didn't care about approval, whether Allen's family liked him or not had nothing to do with it. What had always bothered Kanda was the fact that there were things that Allen would have to bear that he would not be able to do anything about.

"At other times? At other times I suppose I don't feel anything at all."

It was a simple statement, not truly weighted with any intended connotation, but it still unsettled Lavi to hear. It was perhaps that calm delivery that was most concerning.

"I'm sure Yuu wouldn't be happy to hear that. Are you sure you're not repressing? It's not good for your health you know."

"I'm not repressed. I say I don't feel anything at all, but that is only because I feel so much that it isn't actually all that much. Anger, frustration, fear, longing, desire, desperation… I don't run from it, it just comes and because it always comes I'm used to it. If I had to use a word to describe this feeling, it might be jaded."

"I always pictured you as more of a dreamer than a philosopher," Lavi mused with a slight grin.

"I don't actually believe I have any philosophy left. I find that the years and this place have hardened me into the kind of overly pragmatic person I never wanted to be."

Lavi's eye widened at the statement, but Allen was preoccupied with staring out the window and did not notice the frown creasing his companion's face.

"You may feel you've lost it somewhere along the way, and the few years have definitely taken their toll… But your eyes are still hopeful. Still defiantly clinging to something. That's not jaded."

Allen was silent for a moment, thinking on Lavi's words and wondering if he truly still looked hopeful.

"Lavi… can I confide in you?"

"But of course," Lavi said, a kind brotherly softness in his tone.

"I grow tired of waiting. I- I want him back now."

Lavi's frown deepened, brows knitting together as he took in the tightening of Allen's hold on his teacup and the quiver of lips as he spoke.

"While we were together we traveled a lot – not far of course, and not in fancy fare such as this," Allen said tugging at the collar of the two piece vest suit he'd been dressed in that morning. "I've thought about it a lot lately, been losing myself for hours imagining those footprints we've left all over this small corner of the earth. I see them in my dreams: two sets of linked tracks that stretch for miles in all directions from our house. And then I see the tracks Kanda is making now. I don't know where he is or what he's doing, but I know that wherever he is, it's somewhere without me, and whatever he's doing, it's something that I am not. I see our modest tracks and I see his far reaching ones and I wish we could have gone farther… Much farther together."

Speechless. Lavi could find nothing to say to respond to such a confession. So he offered all he could. A somber smile, a heavy empathetic sigh and an unspoken apology.

xXx

It came upon the ninth year. Most days such as this found Allen by the window in his room overlooking the front yard, writing scores to pass the time. The piano keys sang out clear notes in batches, Allen stopping to commit them to paper every now and then, though he could remember every variation with ease.

A knock at the door drew his attention, fingers stalling on the keys as it creaked open two small heads of rumpled ink black hair peaking around its side, golden irises sparkling with hesitance.

"It's alright Marie you can come in," Allen said sitting back on the chair. "You too Collin."

The children's full faces came into view, grins stretched wide as they pranced in with the sort of burgeoning excitement only young children seemed capable of truly pulling off, Rhode following in at a more relaxed pace, a kind look in her eyes as she watched her children clamber up onto the piano bench on either side of Allen.

"What song is that?"

The girl, slightly taller the boy, hair long about her shoulders, face the spitting image of Rhode when she was younger.

"A new one?"

The boy, younger by a year, shared only the same golden irises as Rhode, all else resembled his father.

"Will you teach it to us?" Marie asked looking to the scores half penciled in atop the piano.

"No, not this one, but there is another," Allen chuckled at their eagerness, reaching over to the windowsill where a folder of handwritten scores were clustered. "This one is for you."

The children snatched away the score in a babble of excitement and began reading it as Allen stood to give them room. Silver eyes watched proudly as they seemed to come to an agreement on how it should be played, before setting it on the stand and beginning to tap the keys, tentatively testing out the melody.

"They're getting better every day," Allen said wandering over to stand beside Rhode.

"True, but it's only because they have a good teacher."

A smile softened his lips. Rhode cleared the distance with a step, arms wrapping around Allen's neck, a pained look creasing in the corners of her eyes and tightening in her pursed lips.

"You know, you could play at concert halls and travel the world with your skill. You could get far away from this place if you wanted."

"No, I don't think I could," Allen said returning the consoling embrace with one he hopped might be reassuring.

"No matter how good you are at it, you were never meant to be a teacher, Allen."

Rhode pulled away, hands still lingering loosely around Allen's neck.

"As I recall, you were never meant to have children," Allen said good naturedly. "Funny how these things work out."

"Indeed, I had always planned to marry you, to steal you away from that man," Rhode pouted lips curling up into that sultry grin she was so good at. "But as it turns out, you're more bull-headed than I am."

"You shouldn't talk about marrying other men in front of your children," Allen chided.

"They love you just as much as they love that elusive workaholic."

"I'm flattered."

Rhode pouted drawing a hand back to poke at the infernally sweet smile adorning his face – it was the kind that never quite reached his eyes despite how soft his expression was – the kind she hated.

"Uncle Allen," Collin called, hesitant to interrupt. "How do we play this part?"

Allen looked towards the children, Rhode relinquishing her hold on him and watching solemnly as the snowy haired male instructed her children on the pacing of the part of the score they were having difficulty with. She wanted more for him than this. She respected his devotion to Kanda, but that didn't mean she liked it. To her, he was wasting his life waiting for that man to come back. Sometimes, though, she wondered if she had ever loved someone so deeply. She had often professed her love for Allen when they were younger, but that had faded with time and she got married, had children and was happy as she was. She knew she loved her husband, but she doubted that the bond they had could last if they had to be apart for five years, and Allen would be going on ten come autumn.

"Momma did you hear that?" Marie asked spinning in her seat.

Rhode nodded, adoration in her glimmering golden gaze. She hated Kanda, she truly did, but more than anything she found herself wishing he would just turn up to turn that shallow smile on Allen's face into something earnest.

"Uncle Allen, you know Uncle Tyki is coming over for dinner later," Marie said as she followed his lead on the next part of the score. The melody dancing on the air.

"Really? What do you suppose he brought you this time?"

"Why guess when you can see for yourselves right now," Tyki said from the doorway, startling everyone inside, the two children jumping up and running to embrace the older man.

"You're early."

Rhode crossed her arms over her chest, eyeing Tyki suspiciously. If there was one thing about the man she was sure off after all these years, it was that he was never early for anything.

"Indeed I am," Tyki said, a broad self-satisfied smile lilting up the corners of his lips. "I had planned to be at least an hour late just to see that peeved look on your beautiful face, but you see I came upon the most peculiar thing in the city today. I just had to show it to you so I came right away."

"Oh? What is it?"

Irritation aside, Rhode was genuinely interested in what Tyki had brought.

"Well, its- Allen aren't you interested?"

"You know I'm not really interested in trinkets Tyki," Allen said disinterestedly, jotting some notes on the score the children had been playing to make the transitions easier.

"He's no trinket, Shounen."

"He?"

At this Allen perked up, turning from the piano, a confused but hopeful look lighting in silver irises.

"Yes," Tyki smirked as he stepped into the room and aside from the doorway as another presence made himself known. Navy hair. Cobalt irises. That sharp half smirk.

Allen's eyes widened as they filled with unbidden tears of joy, mouth slightly agape in disbelief, and breath caught in his throat.

"You just going to stare, Moyashi?"

"A-are you real?"

Lips quivering.

"Baka Moyashi, of course I'm real."

That was all it took. Allen launched himself at Kanda, burying him in feverish kisses, clinging to him as though he might slip away again if only he should let go.

"Baka! Bakanda!"

"I'm back. I'm sorry I took so lon- ungh!"

Kanda's head snapped back, releasing Allen, hands flying to his forehead. Everyone's eyes wide in shock.

"You- You just headbutted me?"

"Like you didn't deserve it! Sure I said I'd wait forever, but what the hell Kanda, you have some nerve actually staying away for so long!" Allen fumed, wiping at his tears still clinging to his lashes with his sleeve.

"Tch, I said I was sorry," Kanda huffed, cupping Allen's cheek with one hand, the other gently brushing the red bruise forming on his forehead. "Look what you've gone and done."

"You owe me more than a simple apology Kanda," Allen said, cheeks puffed out, brows furrowed and lips pursed unamused.

Cobalt eyes narrowed, jaw tense, unsure of what to expect. After all, he never did know what to expect with Allen. Silver clashed with cobalt for a tense minute before a sigh drained the fight out of Allen. Clearing the slight distance between them he leaned against Kanda, arms once again settling about his shoulders in a loose embrace.

"Welcome back."

Both Rhode and Tyki let out the breaths they hadn't known they'd been holding, the smile adorning Allen's tear streaked face a true sight to behold – uninhibited joy.

"Momma, who's that man?" Marie whispered, tugging at Rhode's hand.

"That is the insufferable man your Uncle Allen has been waiting here for."

"I've never seen him smile like that," Collin murmured in awe.

"Yeah, isn't that how you look at papa?" Marie pipped in.

"Oh ho, you look at that straight laced guy like that do you?" Tyki teased before Rhode could say anything.

"No," Rhode whispered harshly swatting at Tyki with a tight-lipped frown before turning her attention to her children. "His feelings aren't comparable. Now come on, let's give your Uncle Allen some time to become reacquainted with that idiot of his."

Two pairs of slender brows arched in confusion, but the children didn't ask anything further, following after their mother. Whatever it was, there was a lightness to the air in the room that had never been there before, as though some great pressure that had been building towards its complete collapse had finally found the release it sought.

"Did you really have to headbutt me?" Kanda asked once they were alone.

"I had considered kicking you in the shin, but it seemed a bit too juvenile."

Shaking his head, Kanda ruffled Allen's hair fondly. Trusting someone is never easy. It hurts, it's scary, and it requires more patience than most people are capable of exhibiting. It doesn't always work out, but when it does – when the faith you've put in someone has been justified – there's nothing in the world more liberating.

End

A/N: Holy crap, you guys are so sweet! I managed to get some sleep, even with my niece thundering around the house like an elephant at all hours of the day. I honestly don't know how someone as light as she is can make such heavy sounds _ ;

Somehow despite all the distractions I was able to finish up the second prompt: Liberate! Again I haven't gotten a chance to edit it but I hope everyone likes it! Next prompt for Dec 22/23 is Absolution. Going to try and do something for it, but I'm prioritizing finishing the secret santa yullen fic I'm working on so I can post it first thing on the 25th! That's one thing I don't want to be late with. So we'll see what happens. I have volunteering in the morning and then I'm supposed to take my niece skating… RIP my soul I'm gonna be dead when I get home~

As always thanks for reading, all comments are very much welcomed and appreciated :)