Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, New Moon, or Eclipse. They belong to Stephenie Meyer.
Oh, I need a beta, preferably someone who is good at grammar and has experience. Let me know if you want to do the job.
Undeniable Truths
Edward
I stared intently at the herd of caribou, sizing them up. Which one would fulfill me the most? I spotted a huge male to the far left of the heard. I decided he would do. The male caribou would never satiate my thirst completely, but he would be enough to sustain me for a few agonizing weeks before I decided to venture out of my room to start the process over again.
It would not be hard to kill the animal and consume its precious blood. It would be no challenge at all, actually. But then again, that's exactly what I wanted. There was no need to me to expend unnecessary energy in murdering this animal. All I wanted was to get this over with so I could curl up again and let the misery have me. The less time it took, the faster I returned to my home, to my hiding place.
But if the saying 'home is where the heart is' was true, then I had no home. In a sense, I had left my heart behind with Bella so many years ago.
Bella.
It seemed impossible that such a small word could tear me apart this much. But affect me it did. Every time I hear he name I want to run back to her and beg for forgiveness that I certainly don't deserve. But I can't. And I won't.
I took a deep breath and let the smell of the animal's blood wash through me. I was staggered and started gasping for air when I smelled a scent that was entirely different from caribou. For one brief second I was happier than I had ever been in the last eight years of my existence. I was whole again and it was as if I hadn't been in agony all this time. I delighted in the feeling.
I tried to fill my lungs with the heavenly aroma again, only to realize that it had never really been there. It was a figment of my imagination. My mind had betrayed me. I was going insane.
The pain returned tenfold. I cried out in disappointment and sank to my knees. I should not be sad that she wasn't here with me; I should be happy that she was safe and away from the danger of a soulless existence, of me.
She's safe. She's safe. She's safe. I chanted this in my head, pretending that it actually meant something.
I found a minute amount of relief at the fact that her life had meaning to it. But I could not be happy; I missed her presence far too much. I would never be truly happy again, but my happiness was nothing compared to her humanity. I was nothing compared to her and I hoped she was happy. I hoped she was happy and healthy and living and breathing her necessary breath of life. I hoped she blushed scarlet and I hoped the liquid life inside her still pulsed with a passion and determination to live. I hoped her heart still soared when she was nervous or excited and I hoped she had forgotten that I existed completely. Because if none of those things were true of her, then she would be dead. And that was excruciating. I cowered at that, as if the thought alone would strike me down. But I would gladly welcome death. The only thing stopping me from willingly going to the Volturi right this instant was my family. And Bella. For when she departs from this life and enters a place forever barred from me, I will die too, hoping that there is release from the ever present torment of her loss.
The most unbearable thing, though, was the awful fact that I had no way of knowing if she truly was alive or not. Alice did not have visions of her anymore. But I refused to believe that she was no longer on this earth. She was here, somewhere, and that thought alone kept me sane. She had a whole life ahead of her, now that I was no longer in it.
I closed my eyes and sighed. Her lovely face appeared behind my eyelids, as if she had been waiting for me. Even after all these years I could still remember her face with perfect clarity. Her warm, inviting lips and her endless chocolate brown eyes were strikingly clear. Her beauty struck me speechless every single time. It was like she was right in front of me, which was impossible.
Her facial expression was one of sadness and…pity? She looked at me desolately and I saw her beautiful mouth turn into a soft frown. It was as if she were sharing my pain, trying to sympathize with me. Even if the Bella before me was not real, it still broke my heart to see her so unhappy. I straightened myself up quickly, deluding myself into thinking that it would make the pained appearance on her face leave if I could trick her into believing that I was not upset. I would do anything to see her happy once again.
But it was a wasted effort because memories don't have emotions and feelings. I would never get to experience the real Bella again, and that thought alone nearly made me crumple to the floor for a second time.
The absence of sound caught my attention and I opened my eyes. I realized all too late that I had scared all the caribou away with my sudden noise and movement. It was shocking to me that I hadn't heard the caribou running away from the danger, for that's most certainly what I am. I sighed dejectedly and dashed back to the house and up into the safe haven of my room. I would try again tomorrow.
I could not wait for the day that blessed relief would come.
I yearned for the day that I would cease to exist.
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