I own nothing. Sad story with happy ending. Enjoy!
"Sam," Dean said softly.
"I thought I threw that away," I said knowing eh wouldn't stop.
"Why did you write it in the first place?" he asked confused.
"It says why," I said motioning to the letter.
"I don't care what it says," he said throwing the letter in the backseat, "I want to hear it from you."
Shaking my head I looked at the road and waited. I didn't even really know why I did it. I had no clue why I wanted to kill myself and I had no clue why I wrote the letter that I did.
How was I supposed to tell Dean that though? I could tell that he was blaming himself for this whole thing. I never wanted that. I never wanted him to find out about it at all.
"Sam," Dean said once again, "I'm not going to stop until we talk."
"There's nothing to say," I said shrugging, "It was a long time ago."
"I don't care," he said slowly, "Tell me what happened."
"I don't know," I said honestly, "I don't fucking know."
"How do you not know why you wanted to kill yourself?" he asked confused.
"I don't know," I said hitting the steering wheel, "I just wanted to die, okay?"
"No," he said shaking his head, "It's not okay."
"Damn it Dean," I said sighing, "I thought you'd be better without me. I thought killing myself would help you."
"It wouldn't," he said sadly, "You're my little brother man. I know I don't say this, but I thought you always knew."
"Knew what?" I asked not getting where he was coming from.
"That I love you," he said grabbing the note.
"I know you love me," I said tears filling my eyes, "That's why I was going to do it. You deserved to have a better life."
"And you thought a life without you would be better?" he asked angrily, "Sam, there I no chance my life would be better without you."
Shaking my head I continued to drive. I didn't believe him. He didn't see that it would be better, but I did. I hurt him too much and when it wasn't me hurting him it was because of me.
Dean needed a better life. I had never true gotten rid of those thoughts. I thought that leaving would help. And for awhile it did help. Then he came back to get me so we could find Dad.
The whole cycle started once again. I kept having thoughts of how much better Dean would be without me. Maybe I was wrong, but I couldn't get the thoughts to stop no matter what.
For my whole life Dean had taken care of me and I thought that this was a good way to pay him back. If he didn't have me to worry about his life would be so much better for him.
"Stop it Sam," Dean said calmly, "Whatever is going on in that freaky head of yours is wrong."
"You don't know what I'm thinking," I shot back quickly.
"I think it had something to do with you thinking my life would be better without you," he said crossing his arms, "And I got to say man, that's the biggest bull I've ever heard."
"Dean," I said sighing.
"Look Sammy," he said cutting me off, "You know how much I hate these moments, but we need to have one and I'm going to stop until we do. Now talk."
How was I supposed to explain this to him? I had kept these feelings hidden for so long that I never thought I'd have to confront them ever again. I didn't know if I could confront them.
Every time I thought about that note I would get so confused. I hated feeling this and I wanted to get back to the way things were when we were younger. There was no way for that though.
"I just wanted it to stop," I said sighing, "I thought it would be better if you didn't have to take care of me."
"Damn it Sammy," Dean said angrily, "I like taking care of you."
"How can you like it?" I asked confused.
"Because then I know someone cares about me," he said softly, "Look Sam, you're my family and that's very important to me, you should know that by now."
"Of course I do," I said quickly, "That's why I thought…"
"Never think that again," he said firmly, "I don't give a damn whether you think it would be better for me to be without you. I won't lose you."
"Thanks man," I said smiling.
"Whatever," he said shrugging, "Just next time. Talk to me so we don't have to do this."
"Alright," I said laughing.
Listening to Dean tell me those things made me feel a lot better. Yeah, it wasn't going to make the thoughts leave, but I guess it was a step in the right direction for me to get over this.
For the life of me I knew I could never get these thoughts to go away completely. It happened a lot that I would think of this, but now Dean knew. I don't know if that would change things majorly.
Maybe this talk would help though. I mean, I knew he would be watching me a lot closer now and that was going to suck completely, but it could end up helping a lot in the end.
I hated down anything to myself for a long time. I stopped a few months after I met Jessica. She knew everything and she was very supportive. Now that Jess was gone though I had Dean.
Dean knew me a lot better then Jess and that would work to his advantage. He knew the signs. At least he was getting better at the signs. Yeah, things were going to be a lot different.
Different wasn't always a bad thing. I knew Dean hated different, but it was also a good thing. It meant that we were growing. Damn, this was going to change things a lot. I hoped we both could handle it.