Sorry for the wait on this one. I know it's short, but it is what it is. I own nothing of value, so please don't sue me.
You told me today that you loved the way I looked in my costume. It was nothing special – a done up suit for a night-on-the-town setting that you had concocted – and admittedly I hadn't thought that it was anything extraordinary.
I love you in that suit, Kyouya. That was what you said. The words rang in my ears like gunshots. It had taken me a moment to understand that you had said words after I love you. I smiled at you and offered some neutral comment about your attire with my heart in my throat.
My heart didn't return to a normal rhythm until well after I got home.
I almost convinced myself to tell you the truth. I almost admitted it. I was so very, very close to telling you that I loved you today. The prospect that I may be losing whatever control I have left is frightening. I fear that my love for you is so powerful that I will not always be able to contain it. Someday, I fear it will escape me, and I fear that that would be the end of me.
I never ask you for anything, but today, privately, I asked you to stop being yourself. I wished for you to be awful. I wished for you to be stupid and mean. I wished that you were not caring or kind. I wished you were not perceptive. I wished you didn't know me, if only because I don't want to ruin you through our connection.
Please, my love, stop being so perfect. Solve my problem for me. Change utterly. Be not yourself (your perfect, beautiful self) so that I can hate you.
I am not a begging man, but I do pray. And I pray for strength most of all – the strength to love you in silence.
Kyouya