COUP DE GRÂCE
PART TWO
The smile he gives her when he walks into her hospital room is larger than any smile she's seen. He makes a crack about a flower shop but she replies on auto pilot, her mind too jumbled to make sense of their conversation.
"I hear that you tried to save me," she says after a long pause, her gaze dropping to her lap.
"Yeah." Castle clears his throat. "You - you heard?"
She lifts her gaze to see him regarding her, brows furrowed, unable to read his expression. "Yeah," she whispers, "I don't remember much of anything. I remember being at the podium, then…" She trails off.
"You don't remember…" He pulls a chair to the side of the bed. "You don't remember getting shot?"
"No."
She hopes he can't see it, can't see the dishonesty in her eyes, hopes that her face is as neutral as she needs it to be. Because she can't face it right now, can't face the fact that the man who's been at her side for over two years declared his love for her as she lay dying on the cemetery lawn.
She isn't even sure it actually happened. She thought she dreamed it, that it had been a figment of her imagination. But the way he's looking at her, like he wants nothing more than for her to say that she remembers, she loves him back, tells her that it wasn't a dream.
He loves her.
After what they've been through, how she pushed him away, even after what happened after Roy was killed, he still loves her.
Oh God.
She clears her throat and takes a sip of water before continuing. "They say some things are better not remembered."
"Are they?"
His voice is cold, and she forces herself to look at him, at the intensity of his stare. "Rick-"
"No, Kate," he interrupts, leaning forward in his chair, his hands inches from hers on the bed. "You heard me, and you remember what I said. I can see it in your eyes."
She sighs. She's tired, so tired, and she can feel the painkillers coursing through her system. But she can't fall asleep now, not yet. "I was shot in the heart, Rick," she says in a low voice, a hand curling at her chest. "I need time."
"How much time?"
"I don't know." She sighs, closes her eyes briefly. "Every time I close my eyes I'm back in that hangar." She lifts her eyes back to him. "You should have let me stay."
He shakes his head. "Not a chance in hell. They would have killed you. Hell, they still tried."
"And they didn't succeed." Kate clenches her fist at her chest, curls her other hand into her bedsheets so she doesn't press it against her side. Her whole body is throbbing, chest constricting, she feels like she can't get enough air. But she has to say this.
"I did hear what you said," she admits, her voice strained. She sees his eyes widen, but before he can say anything she continues. "But I can't right now. I just...I need space. Space from the hangar, space from...everything that happened."
Rick narrows his eyes, but nods after a few moments of silence, and glances down at his folded hands on her blanket. One hand inches towards hers, but he stops before they touch. "How much?"
"I don't know."
"Okay." He clears his throat and stands, brushing his hands over his jeans. "If you need space, I'll give you space."
"Rick," she calls out when he reaches the door, waiting until he turns to face her yet again. "I'll call you in a few days."
Castle gives her a small smile, but she sees the doubt in the lines creasing his forehead, in his eyes. "I look forward to it."
She doesn't call in a few days.
She doesn't call in a few weeks.
She doesn't call until the middle of summer, when she's been at her dad's cabin for almost a month, out of the noise and chaos of the city, away from feeling like she had a target on her back every time she took a breath.
When she does call it's impulsive; she watches as a hummingbird buzzes around one of the many feeders her dad has hanging outside. The bird flies from one feeder to another, and it reminds her so much of Castle, that she presses the call button on his contact page before she even realizes what she's doing.
"Beckett?"
She breathes a curse when he answers; of course he'd pick up on the second ring. He sounds confused, but he has an edge to his voice, and edge she understands.
"Hey, Castle," she says in greeting, her voice hoarse. She doesn't talk much, spends most of her days reading and doing her physical therapy. "How are you?"
"How-" He lets out a noise that's somewhere between a scoff and a laugh, and she hears the soft whoosh of him sitting on something. His couch, maybe, or an armchair. Maybe his bed. "How am I?"
Kate makes her way to the couch, her still-healing wounds beginning to ache. She'd stopped taking her painkillers as soon as she checked herself out of the hospital, just two weeks after her shooting. She didn't feel like she deserved them then, she certainly doesn't now. Not when she's ignored her friend, partner, the man she finally admits to herself that she loves.
"How the hell do you think I am, Kate?" he snaps, bringing her from her thoughts as she sinks onto the couch. "Lanie told me you were at your dad's cabin, but obviously you have cell service. You couldn't call before now?"
Kate shakes her head and tries to twist to lean against the arm of the couch, but she tugs at her side, causes her to gasp in pain. Shit.
His response is immediate. "Are you okay?" He lowers his voice, and she can imagine him leaning further into his phone.
"I'm okay," she manages to sink back into the cushions, draws a throw blanket around her. It's been a warm summer, but she's so cold, a persistent internal chill. "Nothing a little stretching can't help."
"Kate-"
"I'm fine, Castle." She puts the phone on speaker so she doesn't have to hold it, puts it on her lap. They're silent for several moments, and she just listens to him breathe.
"So, uh," Castle says, and he clears his throat, lets out a strained chuckle. "How are you, really?"
"I really am okay." Kate's gaze drifts to the window, to the hummingbird still at the feeders, and she smiles. "I just saw something that reminded me of you, that's all."
He chuckles. "What in the hell could remind you of me out in the woods?"
She explains the hummingbird, how it reminds her of how she'd called him a "nine-year-old on a sugar rush," and for the first time in the six weeks since it all went to hell, she laughs.
"Why'd you really call, Kate?" he eventually asks, as their laughter has died down and their conversation has stalled.
Kate sighs. "I don't know," she admits. "I'm sorry I haven't. I just…" She falls silent, wills him to say something, to excuse her, say it's fine and he's glad she called now, better late than never. But he doesn't. He doesn't say anything, and she eventually can't stand the silence anymore. "I needed space."
"Yeah, you said that in the hospital."
"I know you're angry-"
He scoffs. "Yeah, you're damn right I'm angry." His voice is cold now, and she can imagine his glare, his blue eyes, typically bright and full of laughter, now icy and dull. "It's been a month and a half. You said you'd call in a few days."
"I needed more." She sighs and pinches the bridge of her nose, wills the ache on her chest to dull. "I'm sorry, Rick. I should have called you a long time ago. I just...look, you were right, what you said after Roy died. I wasn't okay."
"Kate-"
"No, I need to say this. I'm sorry that I said you only cared about the books. It was out of line." She chuckles. "We really need to learn to communicate better."
"Yeah, we do. I shouldn't have kissed you. I shouldn't have let it get that far, not when you were with Josh."
"I wasn't," she admits in a low voice. "I broke up with him after LA."
"Oh." Castle inhales sharply. "Shit, Kate, we-on the couch-"
She doesn't like his tone, doesn't like the regret laced in his words. "Do you wish we hadn't?" she asks, bracing for his answer.
There's a long pause, long enough for her heart to drop to her stomach.
"No, I don't. I wish we didn't do it like that, but I don't regret it, Kate." He exhales deeply. "Do you?"
"No." She can't take the pain anymore, physical or emotional. Her chest and side are excruciating, and she needs to get off the phone and rest. "Look, I don't know how long I'll be here, and I can't…" She feels her chest start to tighten at the thought of returning to the city, and she forces a swallow around the lump in her throat. "Why don't you come up here for a few days? My dad had to go back to the city for the week, and I could use the company. Give us a chance to talk."
Her teeth worry her bottom lip during the long silence that follows the question. She doesn't know what scares her more: if he'll say no, or yes.
"I'd love to."
She tries to clean the next day, to straighten some of the clutter that's collected in the couple of days that her dad's been gone. He'd given the cabin a thorough scrubbing before leaving, so Kate wouldn't have to do anything strenuous.
Not that she could, anyway.
Her scars are almost completely healed, but she'd tugged at her incision scar yesterday, and today it aches. It aches so badly she can hardly move.
She hears the crunch of tires on the gravel drive a few minutes before noon - he's right on time, as usual - and she peels herself off the couch, wraps the throw around her shoulders as she shuffles to the door. She opens it, half expecting him to be standing there already. Instead she's greeted by the view of his ass sticking out of the car, as he leans in the backseat.
He must hear her chuckle, because he pops out of the car with a duffel bag in his hand, and looks right at her. His face lights up with a grin, but even from the porch, she can see the hesitation in his movements towards her.
The short walk from the car to the front porch seems to take hours, and Kate's breath hitches with every step he takes, every moment of his approach. He can't seem to take his eyes off of her, the look in them so tender, full of awe.
"Hi." She speaks first, and it seems to shake him from his stupor.
Castle's face flushes, and he chuckles as he ascends the few steps to join her. "Hi."
Kate lifts a brow. "You're staring," she teases, fingers clenching the edge of the blanket to keep from reaching out to him.
"I-" His voice cracks and he blushes even deeper before clearing his throat. "It's really good to see you, Kate."
She feels her own face flush, heat blossoming over her cheeks. Despite her initial insistence in keeping her distance since her shooting, she's glad she called him, glad she invited him up. "It's good to see you too," she admits, giving into desire and reaching for him, snagging her fingers over the sleeve of his flannel, open over a plain maroon shirt. She tugs lightly, then turns towards the door. "How was the drive?'
"Fine," he answers from behind her, following as usual, shutting the door behind him. "I haven't been this far into the Catskills in years."
Kate clenches her fist at her chest; the ache in her heart has blossomed again, only this time it's not just physical. It's the fluttering she recognizes, that she hasn't felt in several weeks. A fluttering she feels any time she's near him.
"This is a great time to come," she says, leading him into the living room. "Um, I'll give you a tour. It isn't much," she admits, gesturing behind her to the hallway. "A couple bedrooms, living, dining, kitchen."
Castle sets his bag on the floor. "It's great." They fall silent for several moments, both looking around the cabin. "You said it's your dad's?"
Kate looks back at him and nods. "Yeah. He bought it when he was a year sober. He felt like he could finally trust himself to be out here alone, without falling off the wagon."
Castle walks over to the modest bookshelf beneath the large front window, where he grabs a book. "I like it," he says, a teasing lilt to his voice, showing her the cover.
Kate rolls her eyes when she sees In a Hail of Bullets. "Don't flatter yourself," she says when he raises his eyebrows. "Dad's never read it." At his smirk, she shoves his shoulder and turns towards the kitchen. "Are you hungry? I don't have much, but I can make a sandwich, or - oh."
She gasps when she opens the refrigerator door. She wasn't thinking, had reached for it with her left arm, and the motion had tugged at her side, at her healing scar. Her knees give out and she sags against the counter, but before she can sink to the floor, Castle is in front of her, hands at her waist, holding her up.
"God, Kate, are you okay?" he breathes, his thumb brushing over her incision.
She manages a nod, but she's not, mentally curses her body for giving up her weakened state so quickly. She hates feeling weak, always has, and although she is healing, sometimes just turning the wrong way will set her chest or side on fire.
"Sit," she manages to gasp, and she lets him guide her to the small dining table, grips his forearms as she sinks down to a chair. "Hurts today is all."
Castle's face is transparent; he's worried, she can see it in the warmth of his eyes, the accompanying furrow of his brow. "What can I do?"
Kate shakes her head. "Nothing, really. It'll pass."
"Kate-"
"Seriously, I'm okay. I'll be okay," she clarifies when he narrows his eyes. "I just need to sit for awhile."
"Okay." Castle gives her face one more once-over before standing. "I'll take care of food. Oh! I almost forgot, I'll be right back." He goes back outside, and Kate hears a car door open and shut, the beep of the lock, before Rick is inside again.
"I brought a few things from the city," he announces, lifting a canvas bag. He sets it on the table and starts to unload it. "I thought about bringing you a latte but it would have been cold, so instead I got a bag of beans from our place. Brought my coffee grinder, didn't know if you had one…"
Kate smiles as he talks. He's rambling, and it's cute. She eyes a pastry box full of bear claws; she hasn't had one since before her shooting, and when he lifts a bottle of vanilla syrup from the bag, her mouth waters. She hasn't had a decent cup of coffee, either.
"So, lunch," Castle finally says, when he's unloaded the coffee and pastries and books and even a few movies. "Anything in particular you'd like? What do you usually have?"
Kate shakes her head. "Just some fruit, usually. Maybe crackers. I don't eat a lot."
Castle gives her a look, full of pity. "I can tell. You've lost weight, Kate."
"Yeah, well," Kate says, squaring her shoulders, "I've been recovering from getting shot in the heart. I'm sorry that my nutrition isn't up to your standards," she snaps.
"Hang on." Castle shuts the refrigerator door and joins her at the table. "What's that supposed to mean? I was just making an observation. You need to keep your strength up."
"Jesus, Castle, this is just like you." She shakes her head again and stands, pushing through the pain in her side. "Trying to tell me what to do. I'm just trying to survive, I don't need your charity on top of it."
"I'm just trying to help!"
"Maybe I don't need your help."
They both fall silent, and after a few moments of staring at each other, Kate sighs and turns away. "I'm tired. I'm going to rest."