Chapter 2
Imagine that the world was silent.
Imagine that nobody was thinking or speaking to one another, that there was no car noises or machine noises but that the world was as silent as it is to deaf ears.
Imagine now that the only thing you can hear are your own thoughts, that nobody in the whole world can hear them but you almost like you were talking to yourself.
Now I know that this sounds crazy but in a way, we all talk to we sit in our beds at night and think about all the things we could have said or done or all the things we did say or do in life, we talk to ourselves in our minds when we question the things that happen in the world or when we try to figure out a solution to a problem wether it be mathematical or emotional. Now I'll be the first to admit that sometimes I speak out load when I talk to myself but I bet I'm not the only one.
Now imagine that the whole world can hear nothing but your voice, no other sounds register with the people but the sound of your voice.
Imagine that you were standing on a podium in the middle of the city, having the opportunity to stand up and tell everybody what you're thinking and what you're feeling.
Imagine that 318 million people of the USA or even the 7 billion people of the world standing in front of you, watching, listening.
Take a breath, deeply, in and out…
Now let it out.
I bet the only thing you talk about is the love you have for that one person, I bet that you stand in front of that 7 billion people and talk about the happiness and joy that the redhead brings you, the butterflies she sets off in your stomach and the safe feeling she gives you when she holds you tightly in a hug.
There are so many thoughts, questions and answers that you have swirling around in your head yet the love you have for the fiery redhead is the only thing you want to talk about because you want the whole world to know just how much you love and care for her, you want to scream it from the top of your lungs and let your heart burst just so everyone knows that your heart belongs to her.
That, is what I call, love.
BECA'S P.O.V
" Soooo, how was your date?" Stacey wiggles her eyebrows at me as she sits on my bed in my dorm room. The dorm was nothing special but I had enough room to set up all the music equipment so nothing else really mattered to me.
" My date?"
" Yeah, with Chloe yesterday after practice?" She teases
" Dude that was so not a date, we had coffee" I said sitting down in the chair at my desk. I hadn't told anyone but Stacey how I felt about about Chloe but even then she didn't know all that much, really she only knows that I Like her, but she doesn't know the extent of it because there is no way that I was delving into all those feelings and admitting them because admitting the depth of my feelings leaves a bigger possibility of me getting hurt so the less anyone knows the better. Sometimes I have a urge to walk straight up to Chloe and tell her how I feel, I want to share with everyone just how much I feel for her but other times I know that that is nothing but a bad idea.
" Listen, I may be someone who only does one night flings and I may not know what country Germany is in but I sure as hell know when two people should be together" Stacey says and I hold back on laughing at her geography skills.
" That's not..it's really not that big a deal anyway ok so let's move on" I say turning to my computer.
" What're you working on?" Stacey asks shuffling down closer to my desk.
" The arrangement for monday, Captain Posen has me workin' double time this week"
" Just me or has she gotten even more strict this year?"
" Oh she definitely has but it's to be expected" I say rolling my eyes earning a laugh from Stacey.
" Hey these songs are actually good" Stacey says reading the lists that Aubrey had given me.
" I know , there's no 'traditional' songs on there like at all"
" Well at least she loosened the reins in that department this year"
" so what're you gonna do with them?" She asks and I sigh at the thought of having to choose from so many songs.
" I have no idea yet, there's like twenty songs on that list, she doesn't make my life any easier" I say turning back to the computer and start trying to mash some songs together.
" Jesse for the last time, I will not go on a date with you!" I sigh as Jesse follows me around the radio station. He's been pestering me for a whole year to go on a date with him and no matter how many times I say he doesn't listen and keeps going. I walk into the booth and sit in front of the computers, Since Luke left last year I've been in charge of the radio along side another senior Stan who I can admit is the biggest douchebag of all douchebags but obviously I have to work alongside him.
"Awh c'mon Becs!" I turn when Jesse bursts through the door of the booth.
"Oh my god seriously dude…not happening!" I say standing up in search of a CD to play next.
"Ok give me one reason why, in the whole year that I have known you, you have never given me a reason as to why you won't date this handsome face" He smirks. I groan and roll my eyes at him as I slump back down in my chair but he spins the chair back around to face him and I close my eyes and breathe in frustration.
" because I don't want to!" I say but he stays standing staring at me.
" And why not?"
"Jesus christ…."
"C'mon Becs, one reason..and if you don't give me one you have o watch the breakfast club with me this saturday" He smirks.I sigh deeply, I was going to have to tell him at some stage I mean I had to put the guys misery at bay, I couldn't just keep pushing him away and not tell him why.
"I'm…." I stop, I can feel my heart about to beat through my ribs.
"Yessss?" He pushes
"I'm…I have feelings for someone else" I give in and decide not to mention any names to save my own soul from admitting how I really feel to someone else.
"And who is this someone else?"
"Oh my god Jesse!" I say slamming my hands on the arms of my chair.
"C'mon Becs, for all I know you could just be making that up, you've gotta give me a name!"
"Seriously?"
"seriously" he says and I roll my eyes, I knew how stubborn he was so I knew that I was not getting out of this any other way.I sit looking up at him in silence as I try to steady my breathing, the silence is deafening as I try to compose myself.
" Chloe.." I say breaking the silence and his eyes widen.
"Chloe…as In Chloe Beale? as in the redheaded Barden Bella? that Chloe?" he asks quickly and I just nod at him.
"woah" he says and stands up away from my chair.
"Yeah" I say and the room goes back into a silence but it's not uncomfortable, my heart was still racing and I'm sure he could hear it bouncing off my chest but I felt, liberated, finally admitting to someone else that I indeed had feelings for Chloe.
"I need some pizza!" Jesse finally says clapping his hands.
"What?" I say utterly confused.
"C'mon, close the studio, you and I are going for some pizza and we're gonna talk about this"
"Dude no!" I say quickly, retreating at the thought of spilling my guts to Jesse of all saying I had any feelings at was daunting enough.
"Dude yes! C'mon" He says grabbing my bag from under my desk and walking out, I have no choie but to follow him so I quickly sign off air and jog out after him.
"Seriously? this isn't necessary" I say taking my bag from him.
"oh but it is!" He says jogging across the road and once again I have to jog after him.
An hour later I find myself sitting in Jesse's dorm room eating pizza while he presses on and on at me about my feelings for Chloe. Wether I admitted it to him or not, this was something that although terrifying, it was actually bringing me great relief but the barrier inside me knew that Jesse was the only one I was ever going to say of this to.
"Does anyone else know?" he asks shovelling more pizza in to his mouth.
"No..well Stacey but I told her it was just a crush so it's not that big a deal, although I suspect she thinks it's more"
"Is it more?" Jesse look at me and I look down at the can of coke in my hand, nervously twirling it around.
"Beca" He presses and my head shoots up when I realise that I had gotten lost in my thoughts.
"huh?"
"Is it more?" He asks again and I can do nothing other than nod slowly at him and avert all eye contact.
"You love her?" He says and my eyes dart back to his in panic, nobody had ever gotten so far as to ask me that and I sure as hell was not going to tell anyone that anytime some, not Stacey, not Jesse and certainly not Chloe.
"I have to go" I stand up quickly and throw my coat on, I felt suddenly very warm.
"No Beca don't go, I didn't mean to upset you" Jesse says standing up with me.
"You didn't..I just…I have to go" I stutter and make my way out of the room as fast as my legs would carry me.I make my way across to my own dorm in now time at all and slam the door dropping onto my bed.
I breathe deeply and rub my hands over my face.I could still feel my heart idea of telling someone, even myself that I was IN love with Chloe Beale was something that I was not ready to do. I had spent the past year following her around like a puppy all the while convincing myself and Stacey that it was nothing but a crush but..
Well I guess I always knew.
I guess I can't really hide these things from myself and as much as I like to deny it, Iam in love with Chloe Beale.