"Gran Mag…"
Summary: Utterly for fun…Sheldon is in deep, deep trouble…From certain povs…When Amy's older sister blows…Into town…For Halloween and their engagement party…
Helps if you look up the wondrous Charlotte Gainsbourg…And one of the better pics of the equally wondrous Maggie Hamilton…
Disclaimer: BBT is all Chuck's…
Part II…
Trapped and facing imminent doom at the hands of Charlotte Magdalena Fowler, doctor, author, future sis-in-law…Lust-crazed minion of Hell…I search the recesses of my magnificent brain for any avenue of…
Of course…Escape!…How could I overlook that naturally I have amply provided for such matters, living as I do in the urban jungle…Merely a matter of adapting previously laid plans and applying them to this situation…Substituting mortal emotional danger for mortal physical…
Though should my intended Amy Farrah Fowler receive the poisoned venom drippings of her sublimely evil sibling…Physical danger joins the kitty as a distinct possibility…
Fortunately, once again, my genius and foresight has come to the rescue…Bravo, Dr. Sheldon Cooper…Pat, pat…
One more…
Pat…
Modesty forbids..And yet I know you urge me to it…And being, as I've said, a man exquisitely attuned to the society around me…
Pat…
But the risk is great…The scheme in mind, employing the emergency of emergencies contingency…Could easily result in the most severe of bodily injury…
Yet the risk of being examined…In private…By my wicked, wicked would-be sister and, more to the point, would-be partner in foul sin…And the blow the inevitable outcome would deal to my beloved…Particularly when I refuse, as I will…You may be certain…Charlotte's fiendish advances…And thus arouse her wrath, leading through her evil promise to claim my acquiescence to the foul sin mentioned to the same painful conclusion…And without benefit to me…Far outweighs any other consideration…
Though…There is always the slight danger hormonal urges might take control…Charlotte is after all, undoubtedly appealing in her combination of the false façade of a gentle and unassumingly elegant manner and somewhat waifish beauty, merged to her admittedly keen intellect, the ever-desirable basic Fowler chassis design, and that ragingly hot though skillfully repressed sexual drive, like the intellect a Fowler family trait, I've surmised, though twisted to evil purpose in Charlotte …So much so that even man of steel that I am, I must confess a certain...Interest…And that must never happen, even if only the most remote and miniscule of possibilities…
Yes, there is only one solution…Which must be employed before the "good"…I type with sarcastic quote here for a reason…Doctor Fowler , MD., arrives in our apartment and escape becomes impossible…
Damn the risk, full speed ahead, Mr. Cooper…Engage "Building Escape Plan Omega…"
The plan never to be employed but in time of direct attack on the building by foreign brigands or a direct nuclear threat…
Though of course only with sufficient warning in the case of nuclear attack, as it obviously would be impossible to flee to safety on California roads without at least a day's advance notice…
And I suppose there is some applicability here for the given situation, Charlotte being a French citizen and therefore technically capable of falling under the title "foreign brigand"…
She was very rough with that French kissing…My elbow got bruised…
It still hurts..Though for my beloved's sake I manfully concealed the injury…
Love indeed hurts…
I open the file on laptop…Scanning briefly, its contents well known to me but a review is always useful…Disconnecting laptop to bring with me…For I must retain some connection to the world if I am to dodge the wiles of my Evil sister-in-law…I make for the window…Pausing to collect the necessary equipment from underneath my bed…Where I'd hidden it after the last false alarm when Leonard threatened to throw it all in the trash if I ever considered its use again…There being in his limited estimation, far more chance of us being killed by the plan than by any hypothetical threat…
Little did my roommate suspect the power of the Dark Side in the slinky form of my Evil sister-in-law…An innocent and noble Chancellor Palpatine of the medical profession in female form in public…A dark and twisted Sith lady of the evening in private…
Emergency Escape Plan Omega…
(for use only under extreme conditions…Please review the safety inspection notes on all equipment before engaging…Good luck, Sheldon…This plan will self-destruct in ten minutes…)
1)Secure grappling hook on window… Check…
"Is he gonna come out or not?..." I hear Penny's voice…A knocking begins on my room…A steady, incessant hammering… "Sheldon?...Sheldon?...Sheldon?..."
You know that is very annoying…I must speak to her about that when I've defeated the Evil force confronting me and my beloved…
2)Secure waist belt and shoulder harness…Check…
Faint words of greeting audible…The cloyingly sweet French accent of my future…Unless she has her way…And her way with me…Sister-in-law…
Time is short…I must hurry…
3)Open window, climb out…Observe condition of building in case damage precludes use of the escape plan this way…No, all secure…Check…
"Isn't Sheldon here?...I wanted to speak with him…" Charlotte's voice…A silky caricature of her sister's…
"Well…" Leonard's nasal whine… "He is…And he isn't…"
Time's up…Now is the time to be a Dr. Sheldon Cooper, Sheldon…
4)Deploy cable from waist belt holster…Descend to first secure floor…
Whoa…Bit faster than I'd anticipated…
Ow…Ow…Ow…Knee bang…Elbow bruised, again…
Pendulum effect…Should have allowed for that…Mustn't let emotional turmoil cloud my intellect…
Still…No screams of fright or angry, annoyed cries of "Sheldon, you idiot!…" from above…
My escape plan is working…Just must reach the…
"Oh, hello…Martin…Barbara…"
The Bains…An elderly couple living below us…Staring at me as I dangle just outside their now opened living room window…Tall, lean, grey-haired man…Still strikingly beautiful grey-streaked blonde woman…
Sweet people, really…Blessedly quiet, polite though rarely "chatty"…And bear a striking resemblance to the famed acting couple Martin Landau and ex-wife Barbara Bain of TV fame in the original "Mission Impossible…" and "Space 1999…"
Funny how that worked out…It having been long before 1999 when it was filmed…
And they never complain when an experiment of ours makes a bit of noise or causes minor damage to their ceiling…No understanding of Science but a kindly general admiration for our work…As expressed with the simple eloquence of "You scientists…You're great people…" …As so we are…Would the general public assume such a wise, unquestioning attitude…
Plus they brought me soup once when they heard I was sick…And didn't stay beyond three minutes…Yes, sweet people…
"Sheldon?… Martin, it's Sheldon from upstairs…Hello, Sheldon…"
"More of that physics stuff, Sheldon?..." Martin asked… "Little dark and nippy to be out doing it now, isn't it, boy?...Or are you practicing something for Halloween?..."
Martin likes to make these little remarks which he apparently considers amusing…Given he's old and they are sweet people, I tolerate it…
"He should come in out of the cold…Tell him to come in, Martin…" Barbara nudged her husband…
"Now, Barb…If the man's working…"
"Pardon the intrusion, neighbors…Might I trouble you to allow me to use an unorthodox means of entry, namely your window, one more time…"
"Better than you should be dangling out there in the cold on a pulley thing…It's another experiment, right?..." Martin, reaching to help me in through the window… "You scientist types…Always at it…"
I nod offhandedly, not committing myself…Preferring as always not to lie more than I have to….
"I'll make tea…" Barbara noted, after briefly peering out to look at the hanging pulley still dangling on cable…
"Oh, no need…" putting up a hand as Martin assisted in guiding me in and down to the floor…
"Hey…There we go…"
"And one little pull while pressing button…" I reached back…
Hmmn…
"Bit more force required…There…" I nodded contentedly as the grappling hook released
"Nice…You should patent that…Thing like that could save a lot of people jumpin' out of the buildings…" Martin noted… "I mean when they want to be saved…"
"Perhaps I will when tests are complete…Sorry to come through your window and run…" I stuck my head out…Hmmn…Noise level suggests they've penetrated into the fortress of solitude upstairs…Just a question of time before they realize I've gone and how…I pulled my head back…Smiling at the couple regarding him… "…But I must be going…Good-bye…"
I hurried out the front door, making for the stairs down…Barbara and Martin waving…
"I wonder what the rush was…" Barbara shook her head, closing door… "I'll contact Barney…You want to go with the patrol car?…"
"Sure don't want to freeze my keyster off running after the kid…Well, that time again…" Martin sighed, going over to the bookshelves built into the living room's back wall, pressing hidden button…The bookshelves opened to reveal a room with make-up table and various wigs, very lifelike rubber masks and electronic equipment…He walked over and sat down, hurriedly pulling on a mask of a burly middle-aged fellow…Opening a cabinet to remove a police officer's uniform…
"Should we call for back-up?..." Barbara hissed...Closing door… "Sheldon seems up to something…"
"Nah…Barney and I can keep a trace on him…" Martin shrugged, dressing in police uniform… "Though I tell you, Barb…This so-called semi-retirement gig is getting to be too much for me now…All these new people coming in…Penny, Amy, Bernadette, Pria…All hoppin' round…And now this wedding…Who'd believe that would ever happen?…"
"Well, we'll have more help when Sheldon and Amy take the apartment and Leonard moves upstairs with Howard…Don't forget to tell Barney he's got to get the surveillance equipment out before Leonard begins moving next month…"
"Right…" sigh "But…Oy…It's not the easy assignment it used to be when the boys were just staying at home every night playing games and we only had the occasional North Korean operative trying to worm things out of Leonard or Howard…"
"Poor Leonard…" Barbara sighed… "I wish he'd get some sense and get back with that nice Penny…She was the best thing to ever happen to him…And I'm sure if he fought for her a little, she'd try again…"
"Worked for me…" Martin nodded, adjusting facial mask, putting wig on securely… "Though I did have to fight three Russian agents after faking my defection to convince you…"
"That was sweet…" she agreed, beaming… "Let me get you a thermos of tea in case Sheldon's a long time out…" she glanced at her phone in hand… "The tracker in his shoes is indicating he's just hit the sidewalk…"
"I'd best move along…Lets hope it's nothing serious…" he paused at the door…Barbara bringing him the thermos after filling with the water she'd already heated… "You know, I'd bet it has something to do with that sister of Amy's who just came in for the wedding…She looked like trouble…I said so, didn't I…The image of that Russian girl who gave me a hard time…When was it…?"
"June 15, 1975…And don't think I've forgotten…" Barbara frowned…
"Now…Barbie…"
"Just lucky for you I nailed her with a poison dart before it got serious…" she noted… "Another ten minutes and that dart woulda been headed your way…Now…Don't keep Barney waitin' in the car…"
"Right, right…Well…Gotta make tracks…Don't wait up…And don't worry…You know the boy's not the type to defect or trade secrets…" he patted her fondly… "I'm betting it's that girl giving our Amy a bad time…"
"Oh, Sheldon wouldn't…" Barbara sighed…
"No, no…" Martin shook head… "He's true blue, the dependable type, like me…You'll see…"
"Looking good?..." he gave a hearty bluff middle-aged policeman's grin…
"You're an artist, Martin…" she gave a thumb's up…
"And Barb?...No intervention with poison darts…Or 'accidents'…" he eyed her sternly… "The kids can work this out on their own…"
"Yeah, sure…" she frowned…
"Barb…"
Having left my elderly friends to wonder at my catlike agility, I made my way hurriedly out of the building and up to the corner bus stop…Though of course, not the usual one I frequent when Leonard foolishly fails to provide adequate transport by car…The one further down…
No novice to the chase is Dr. Sheldon Cooper…This is one fox never to be caught…
Now a quick trip to some secure haven whilst I regroup and plan…Perhaps the comic book store run by our acquaintance, Stuart…
It not being Comic Book Store Night, no one in our merry band would suspect I'd gone there…
"Hello…" I answered my ringing cell phone…
Lord…Betrayed by my allegiance to social conventions…
Well, clearly the rules of cell phone etiquette must …Like so many other things impinging negatively on my consciousness …Be rewritten to fit the need of today… Naturally, I've already prepared copies…
"Sheldon?..."
Be that the divine image of her features onscreen?…The clear crystalline voice of my intended, calling out for her lost eaglet, fallen from the sheltering nest of her warm …
Please have children leave the room…
Bosom…?
Indeed, it was…
The children may return now…
"Where are you?...I thought you said you were ill…"
"Hello, Sheldon…" that silken voice…So like my Amy's…And yet…As I know all too well…
The voice of Purest Evil…
Truly Evil lead characters do tend to have fine voices, have you noticed that?...Certainly there are always the high-pitched falsettos of the minions and Evil sidekicks but when a lead member of the Evil team rises to speak, you know you'll usually get your money's worth…
Charlotte skillfully sliding herself into a dominant position on my screen…Beaming at me now…
A slight older, perhaps more waifish…Slightly thinner, though Amy says she always crash diets before visiting…Version of the Fowler face…Those flashing brown eyes…That noble chin…
Thank goodness I have my own version of the type…It would be hard to resist such beauty otherwise…
"Are you ill, Sheldon?...You should let me…Examine you…" smile…
Innocence personified, isn't she?...
Followed by sudden flash of tongue…And if you would have children leave again?...Thank you…
Full tongue, not some mere casual flick to moisten lips or remove food particles…Licking screen…
Amy no doubt looking away for a moment, her sister had taken the calculated risk of reminding me of her …Interest…And wicked intent…
Charlotte likes to live on the wild side, as you can see…
Children may return…If they are well-behaved and quiet…
"I'm fine…Much better now…"
"Why did you leave the apartment…And in such an unorthodox manner?..." Amy back on screen, her tone indicating she is clearly torn between her concern for me and her earnest desire to kick me somewhere involving my privates…
"I was sick…I was out of a prescription…"
"I could have gotten it…Leonard could have driven somewhere if necessary…"
"I didn't want to be a bother….You know I hate imposing on people…"
A faint cry or howl in the distance…Sounds rather like Leonard…
Hmmn?...Well, no matter…
"Get back here, pronto…Or tell me where you are and I'll come get you…" Amy, insistent…
"And then…I'll look you over…" Charlotte's gentle voice…
"I see a bus stop…I know where you are…Stay right there, I'm coming…" Amy left the screen…
"Sheldon…If you don't get back here…Immediately…" Charlotte, voice now a rasping whisper…Icy glare…Narrowing eyes…
I know that look only too well…The Fowler glare…
Terrifying when applied to the beauteous Fowler face…Like seeing the face of God turned to angry wrath…
"So what are your symptoms…?" her voice immediately back to its normal gentle tone…Warmly innocent smile…
Oh, she makes Palpatine look like an amateur…
"Is he actually at the bus stop?..." Leonard's sigh… "Sheldon…" Leonard's rather Hobbity face now on screen next to Charlotte's innocently smiling one… "Stop being an idiot and tell me where to pick you up…I'll take you over to the pharmacy, ok?..."
"And I'll come…To write any prescriptions you need…" Charlotte, sweetly…
God, Leonard is such a dupe…It's clear Charlotte has made sufficient overtures to him to lead him to believe she has an interest and in his loneliness and self-pity…Due ostensibly to the departure, followed by break-up with of his so-called "girlfriend", Raj's sister Pria…But in fact to his desperate longing to reunite and rekindle the flames of his former relationship with our neighbor, the aforementioned waitress/would-be actress, Penny…He is putty in Charlotte's hot, little hands…
Though she has no real interest…Amy informed me already…Once she learned Leonard was unattached, she simply put him on her key chain of potentially useful men…For minor errands, that sort of thing…Retained by an innocent beam and a kind word…The occasional cheek peck…Perhaps a gentle touch…Nothing more…Creating the illusion of an innocent, sweet, even ethereal, waif who must be handled gently, with care and patience…
Fools…
Charlotte never goes for the unattached…Far too easy…She likes challenge…Risk…And enjoys inflicting torment on the souls of her victims…And cruel suffering on their mates…
Anyway that's what Amy said…And being her sister…
Besides…As I told you I have the personal experience to back her tales up…And what could crown her vicious career better than the capture and destruction of her own sister's beau…The greatest mind of our generation and most others…Her eager desire now only inflamed by my staunch resistance…
But she knows I can't risk warning my colleague just now…Who'd believe that this sweet, innocent, gently loving to all Mankind, doctor could be a raging torrent of raw passion… A devil in…Yes, literally…A blue dress...And very elegant, yet tasteful, pearls…
What to do, Cooper?...What to do?...I could wait for Amy…But Leonard and Charlotte in car are far more likely to reach me first…And even if Amy gets here first…If I tell her what's happened ?...When even she's been convinced by Charlotte's acting and her own desire for a loving relationship with older sis that things have changed at last and Charlotte is genuinely happy for her…
And when Charlotte tells her deceitful tale…Putting all on me…
Surely past experience will lead Amy to believe me…
And yet…She'd noted Charlotte had fooled her before…That only later had she learned that cousin so-and-so had not instigated the incident with the hotel room and handcuffs…That Charlotte's best friend's husband hadn't in fact jumped her bones at the wedding reception and merely turned the couple over when the bride had entered the lounge, horrified at the sight…And that in dozens, hundreds of similar incidents it had been Charlotte who'd gleefully and with malice aforethought weaved a web of dark seduction…
She'd actually told her so…Rather proudly…After a few confrontations involving videos and hidden microphones had raised questions as to her total innocence in such encounters…She'd delighted in confiding the tales of shattered lives and ruined men…Sneering at Amy's horrified disapproval…
To put such gifts as Nature had bestowed upon the Fowler women to such evil purpose…The gifts that specifically their Grandmother, Grandma Maggie, Gran Mag…Had bestowed upon them of eyes and chin and all around smoldering hotness…But, like Amy, Charlotte had had her awkward period…But unlike my noble Amy, whose experience in the crucible of adolescence had broadened her understanding of human nature, widened her sensibilities, and warmed her heart…Charlotte's had closed her to all human kindness…Despite a surface of tender, loving sympathy…Nothing warm beat in that foul blackness where a heart should be…
Yet as noted…Despite her full knowledge of her sister's evil nature…Amy, in her noble sweetness and loving heart fine tuned by sorrow and suffering…Of which I am the grateful beneficiary…Had eagerly seized upon Charlotte's sly and calculated efforts to mask her nature…She'd changed…And whatever bitterness she might still feel toward the male of the species…And vengeance she'd sworn on her fellow females…She loved…Yeah, right…Her little sister…And would never do anything to hurt her…
Again I say…Yeah, right…
And that, assisted by Charlotte's facile outlay of the events…Spelt doom for me should I try to oppose my enemy openly…
At the very least Amy would always wonder…Poisoning our life together…
And making family gatherings…To which I have been prenuptially forced to accede…Awkward…
No…Now is not the time to face my beloved with the horrible truth…Not until I have complete and utter proof of my innocence…
For now…I am a fugitive…And must run, hiding in the underbelly of this urban Hell…Only my superior intellect between me and the darkness…
But I must find an ally…Someone capable of acting for me in the world of our treasured acquaintances and friends…Someone who can assist in proving my innocence…They need not be intellectually capable…Indeed, better I supply all of that without interference…But they must have the experience of the real world to believe me and my sordid tale of horror and deceit…The ability to confront the fiend from Paris without succumbing to her foul charms and innocent manner…
Who is such a person…And where can I find them?...
Hmmn…
Yes, I'd best getting moving…I can call Penny later…