He wipes the cold sweat dripping from his forehead. He stood by his window, letting the cold breeze calm him down. He covered his face with his hands. Every night for the past 10 years he has the same dream.
A woman was standing in front of him but he can't see her face. She just keeps on crying but he doesn't know why. He tried to touch her, but every time he comes near her she suddenly disappears. Then he would hear his brother's voice, he sounds like he's hurt. He's asking him over and over again why did he hurt her? Why her?...he wants to ask him who is he talking about. But after that he would wake up.
He remembers the girl 10 years ago. Perhaps taking revenge by his own hands was a mistake. But what else could he do. Police can't get someone arrested for being the reason of someone committing suicide. Dammit! He just wants justice for him. But at what price. Now he could never sleep peacefully ever since that day, he regret everything he did but there's no turning back now. What's done is done. And has no idea what happened to that girl. He never heard anything about her in the news. No missing person, or body found, he ordered them to let keep her alive anyway.
He doesn't know if it's a good or bad thing that no one went looking for her. He feels guilty every time he thinks about her. How could he ever be so weak and let his anger and despair took him over.
He thought once he found her and made her suffer he would live a normal life again, but he's still suffering no matter what. His life remained in misery. He avoided many people who tried to be close to him. He admits, what he did was cruel, something that can never be forgiven. And everyday he punished his self by succumbing to loneliness. He never gave his self a chance to be happy, he doesn't deserve it.
He went to work everyday exhausting himself to sleep. But the feeling of guilt never left him.
He wants to see her again. In any way he could, he wants to apologize, to beg for forgiveness. Anything. He will all let her do anything she wants with him. He even readied himself to go to prison if she asks to. Besides he doesn't have anything left at all. He has no one to come home to. No one to work for.
He never lived a peaceful life. Not until this past few years, when he met someone he truly cared about.
This is what's bothering him more than ever before. There's a chance of happiness for him. Again. But he has a dark past. One that he kept hidden for a long time that he even swore he will take it to his grave till the very end. But he can't keep secrets forever. He doesn't want to lose her just because of his mistakes from the past.
His thoughts drifted back to her. To that innocent smile that melted his cold heart from the very first time he saw it. It was the day he decided to see the world again,the day he let himself care for other people. To look after them and help them in anyway he can.
Having a new purpose in life, Sure wasn't that easy but at least by that he could now have his chance to pay for his sins. It won't erase the bad things he did in the past but at least this could somehow lessen the guilt he feels inside it, the burden he carried on his shoulders for a long time now. Not in a way that it should be or the justice system in this country allows,but somehow it'll do.
He remembered it all happened 7 years ago.
He was on his way home that afternoon when a girl in her teens approached him. She gave him one of the fliers she is giving away to everyone. She said that they were volunteers from a charity institute. They help the victims of abuse,both women and children. They help them to overcome their trauma and to get back to their usual selves. They are asking for donations and also some more volunteers who would like to help them with their charity works.
He looked at the paper on his hand.
Maybe this is what he's been looking for, his chance to pay for his crimes. Something good to do.
He took the paper that was given to him,put it inside his pocket and continued his walk on his way home. He took his house keys out of his coat's breast pocket and opened his door.
He was greeted by nothing but darkness. He switched on the lights and put down his things. He went in his kitchen to get a bottle of water to drink. After drinking half of it, he remembers the paper that the girl gave him. Rose Institute for Women and Children. He thinks for a while, maybe he could pay this centre a visit on his free time.He doesn't have anything to spend his money anyways. He has a house of his own. A car he never got to use often, for his work was just a couple of blocks away and he never have any friends to hang out with. The only place he would only go was the grocery store and his brothers grave. So he decided to go to this place on one of these days.
And then he met Hanji.
He's walking on a white tied floor,with walls painted in soft pastel colours which made it even look livelier. There were butterfly designs and flowers on the walls and doors, most were made by those children that's being taken care in here.
It was quiet this time around. Ah yes... he remembered it's their schedule for outdoor activities today. He continued walking on the long hallway until he reached the door that leads to the garden on the other side and classrooms on the left.
He was a few minutes late today . He heard faint voices on his right and there he could see the children playing along with some adults accompanying them. They look happy and so alive. They wave at him when they noticed him standing there and looking at them.
He remembers his brother was used to be like that. Eren was so full of energy he often gets himself in trouble, he shook his head in amusement as he remembers him one day coming home with dirty clothes and dishevelled appearance. He's cradling a tiny kitten in his arms. Before he could scold him, Eren started explaining what happened. He says he rescued it from a tree and he tripped on his way down so he fell on the muddy grass. He was beyond pissed that time. And for Eren, knowing he's brother was a clean freak he knows he is in deep trouble going home like that,so he he showed to him the most adorable puppy eyes he could ever make. How could he resist those puppy eyes that Eren keeps on making. So he reluctantly let him keep the kitten but he insisted on washing them both. Thrice. Eren agreed.
He could feel another presence behind him as he continued watching the children play around the garden. He very well knows who it is. Does she really have to do this every time he comes here? He sighed.
"I know you're there Hanji. You can come out now." He said in a bored tone.
But the woman made no attempt of moving. Damn, she's caught. She's planning to catch him off guard, tackle him from the back and make him carry her up to her room on the third floor, a little punishment for making her wait for 10 minutes. She planned for this all morning but again, it failed so instead she ran into him and hugged him from his back.
"Why are you late?" She whispers on his ear while her arms are around his neck.
He glanced at the woman on his back. "I had to go somewhere else. " Hanji let go of his neck and he turned around to face her. He gave her just a quick peck on the lips. He doesn't want anyone mostly a child to see them doing something intimate in here.
"Oh you visited Eren today?, next time let me come with you, I wanna visit him too. "
"Alright tell me when you're free and I'll pick you up. "He tugged playfully on her ponytail.
"Sure thing."she giggled.
"By the way four eyes, I got you this." He handed her that bouquet of white roses he bought in a flower shop.
"Oh is it really for me. " She gasped and smelled the fragrant flowers he gave her.
He rolled his eyes at her."Don't play dumb four eyes, you pestered me the whole day last time I was here to buy you this shitty flowers, who else will I give this too?" Hescowls at her.
She can't help but laugh. She really likes it when Levi is pissed, he really looks adorable. She told him once and he refused to talk to her even on the phone for 3 days. So she just kept her thoughts to her self.
She hugged him and whispers into his ear. "I know silly I'm just messing with you. "
He scoffs. "I think my life was already messed enough ever since I met you shitty four eyes."
She laughed more at his statement.
"I know, I know,but you love every minute of it."
"Damn right."and he gave him a small smile, something he never got to do before, before he met this crazy woman in front of him.
He met her the first day he came to this shelter. She welcomed him and even volunteered to show him around. He was about to refuse but after letting him to introduce himself for a just a few moments ,she didn't waste time grabbing his arms without warning and started dragging him around like a child being lost.
He wants to murder her on the spot. But when he looked at her, he can't help but stare. She have such a beautiful pair of brown eyes. Her lips always forming a smile every time she looks at him. She's taller than him by a few inches, which he took as another reason to murder her, but her laugh and her voice, is what draws him to her.
He took noticed of her voice which is somewhat very familiar to him. He just can't remember when or where he heard it but he's sure he had heard it before.
After a long day of tour,meeting the staffs, giving his donations and listening to her constant babbling which is very much against his will, He bid his goodbye.
He was about to go out the door when she called to him and she saw her running towards him.
"Hey! " she stopped in front of him. "Would you come again.. Maybe some other time? "
"Are you serious four eyes, my ears are still ringing for hearing your stupid stories and laughs the whole fucking day, "
He sent her an unimpressed look, but then, she looked at him with her big brown puppy eyes which reminds him back of Eren.
He can't fucking refuse her.
"Fine I'll be back."he sighed.
Her face lit up and she begins to jump up and down.
"Really alright!, "
"I can't promise you, but I'll try to come here sooner. "He informed her.
"It's alright, it's alright, you coming back here again is what matters. Have a safe trip on you way home, Mr Ackerman. "
"Levi, just call me Levi. " He said while looking up at her with his bored expression.
She smiles, that smile that made his breath hitched.
"Alright Levi. I'll be looking forward on seeing you again. "
He nods "Thank you."
"Be careful. "she yells at him.
"You too. Try not to kill yourself 'till I get back. " He says loudly not looking back at her.
She laughs louder at his parting message.
He gets inside his car and starts his engine. As he look on his side mirror while his driving out of the centre,he saw her still standing in the doorway waving like an idiot. He chuckled. She's just like a fucking child. And as he pulls through the driveway he glances back at her image on the side mirror once again until she's nowhere of sight.
It's been 7 years actually from the very first day he saw her idiot face and endured her crazy antics.
He was reluctant at first. He wanted to keep his distance from her, but you could never escape this whirlwind of a mess once she marked you.
She said he was her best friend on their second meeting. He wasted enough energy driving three hours to go to this place so he just let her do what she wants with him in the end.
Thankfully she has a better idea that day. She took him in the garden and made him sit on one of the benches under the tree. They just sat there for a few minutes until he got tired of it.
"What exactly are we doing here four eyes? "
"Well, what do you want us to do" she answers back. In a matter of fact tone.
His eyebrow twitched in annoyance. He reminds himself his reason for going back in this place. I'm doing a good deed. I repeat. I am trying to do a good deed.
"You're the one who dragged me in this place,stupid."
He expects a better answer this time from her, and he fails for the nth time.
"I know and I'm not stupid. " She somehow sounded hurt on his remark.
He doesn't care.
"Remind me every fucking time you would open your mouth shithead."
She giggles on his reply.
Do not wring her neck.
"Geez what crawled up your ass and died? "
He glared at her which obviously has no effect whatsoever.
"I just want you to relax, even just for a little time." She answered in a thoughtful manner. "You're very tensed out there. You don't like a lot people huh?"
"I don't like people." He dead pans.
"Pssh.,come on. You know that's not true, you like me."
"Please refresh my memory and fucking tell me the time and place I said that.
"You don't, I just know."
He raised his eyebrow at her, "What your a psychic now? "
"Nope, but I did take up psychology during college. "
Well that's new. He thought she took up clownistry in a very far mountain in their neighbouring planet, and he's not exaggerating.
She continued."And I can clearly read you Levi. I know how you feel. You have a dark past right? Well most of us here do, I was once a patient here before I decided to work and dedicate my life helping the other children and women suffering here, just like I did in the past. "
He scoffed. "I'm not suffering four eyes. "
"Yes you do. Only you hide it better than us,and your here because you want to help them too right? You understand how they feel. You very much know how it feels like . But you can't hide it forever Levi. I know your suffering and I want to help you...take your time. You don't have to tell me now, or every detail of it. Just remember that I'm here and I'll be here for you, always."
He swallowed the lump forming in his throat. He can't understand what's going on. He just knew for a week and yet it's as if she has been by his side all his life. But he can't deny he likes what he is hearing right now.
Finally someone he could talk to, someone who'll be there for him... That's just what she said right!?
He struggled for words to say, but all he that left his mouth was..." You sure about the four eyes? Because once I agree there's no turning back. "
She grins at him. "Of course, I'm your best friend after all"
"More like a shitty friend to me."
"Ahaha, you really like poop jokes aren't you?...so when do we start?"
She nudged him with her elbow,with more force than she intended to.
He started to cough. "How about now four eyes by trying not to kill me first. "
She scratched the back of her head and grin sheepishly at him.
He stares at the woman trapped in his arms. Ever since that day his life has changed,he didn't deserve a happy life but he's grateful for this.
But he's got something to tell her, and he needs to tell her now. The sooner the better. He doesn't know what will happen next, or will she accept him after hearing all the words he would say. But he has to take the chance, he has to be brave or they'll never be moving forward with their lives.
He loves her and he's very sure she does too, for she's the one who says it more openlythan him. His palms are sweating now. He's nervous but he's trying to calm his self.
Sensing a sudden tension in his actions Hanji carefully asked him what's wrong.
He looked in her eyes trying to fight the uneasy feeling building up inside him. He wanted to do it in some other place, in a more private place and just the two of them but he's getting anxious as the minutes pass by.
His knees are now getting weak. He bit his lip. And look down on the floor.
Now Hanji is, also getting worried, "Levi-" She asked him in a worried tone, -what's wrong? "
Then he went down on one knee. He took out a red velvet box in his pocket and asked her...
"Hanji , you're the craziest and messiest human being I've ever met in my entire life, but you gave me a reason to live, to be happy and to clean more than I ever did before. Would you be my shitty wife? "
She can't help the tears of happiness flowing freely down her face. This can't be true, his asking her to be his wife. Someone she constantly annoy and pester every time they are together.
He took the ring from the box and held her hand, he wore the ring on her fourth finger, And he smiles at her, she hugged him and whispers word of happiness in his ear. This is the happiest day of her life. Soon she will be married to the man she loves. And nothing could ever come between them.
Or so she thought.
They are lying on his bed after one of their intimate moments that night.She was lying on his side. Her arm draped over his well toned stomach while he absently plays with her hair.
"Levi, "she asked him and looked on his face.
"Hmmmm. "
"Tomorrow I would like to bring you to my old house."
"Are you sure, I thought you never want to go back there.? "
He looked at her,he thinks for a moment. He doesn't want her to do something that will make her feel bad. He doesn't want her to feel obligated to do it just to make him feel better about marrying her, whatever her past was, he'll marry her no matter what.
"Yeah...but I think you deserve to know everything about me. Beside we're going to get married soon. I don't want us to be hiding anything from each other. " She muttered in a sleepy tone.
He stiffened at that.