A/N: I don't own this. What I do own is a very pretty New Moon calendar with Edward starring as Mr. January. I don't think I want it to be February anytime soon.

**Please Read**

So here we go with the first of four chapters showing Edward's POV after the night he and Bella see each other again. These four chapters will deal with his reaction to seeing her and what happens when he finds out what she's done.

After these four chapters, I will go back to the original story and write a different ending where they will, hopefully, get the HEA that everyone is craving. As with all things, Happy Endings are relative and it all depends on how you see things. :)

Thanks go to my girlies, my Northern Stars that always remind me of who I am, where I came from, and where I'm going. And they aren't afraid to go all gravity on me and push me down into the mud when I need it. :) I love them. A lot. - MeowVemulapalli, Risbee, missveritys, and coldplaywhore.

Much thanks to wickedcicada for making this pretty. Your 'em dashes' will be the death of me.

Thanks to Risbee for prereading this and assuring me that it is, indeed, very depressing. It's good to know I got the feeling of it right. :)

Enjoy the first bit of Edward. Just keep in mind, this is the worst thing he could ever go through. It's not gonna be pretty…

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Boy it's been all this time
And I can't get you off my mind
And nobody knows it but me
I stare at your photograph
Still sleep in the shirt you left
And nobody knows it but me

My friends think I'm moving on
But the truth is I'm not that strong
And nobody knows it but me
I've kept all the words you've said
In a box underneath my bed
And nobody knows it but me

Everyday I wipe my tears away
So many nights I've prayed for you to say…
I should've been chasing you
I should've been trying to prove
That you were all that mattered to me
I should've said all the things
That I kept inside of me
Maybe I could've made you believe
That what we had was all we'd ever need

"All We'd Ever Need" by Lady Antebellum

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

For the past year, I'd worried about running into her around town, but it hadn't happened. Then, the very night before I was due to move to the other side of the country, she appeared, looking more beautiful than I remembered. Why I'd let Tori drag me out that night, I'd never know. I hadn't even wanted to go, and had dreaded it all day, yet I still got dressed and played the part of her doting fiancé. Now, I could barely think straight.

Tori had no reason to complain about me kissing Izzy, it was all Tori's fault that it happened. On the way home in the car I had to listen to her scream and cry and lash out at me. She knew about Izzy and me, she knew our history, and she knew that if I'd had my way we would have been married and starting a family by now. Izzy was my first and only love, and I struggled with finding a balance between what was real and what was never to be. I had come to care about Tori a great deal and in most ways I did love her, but she wasn't Izzy. No matter what Tori did, she could never compare to Isabella Swan. Worst of all, Tori knew it.

We met a few months after Izzy and I had broken up. I was a mess: I didn't care about work, never spent any time with my friends, refused to see my parents, and had basically given up on life. I was done; without Izzy, none of it mattered anyway. For hours I stared at pictures of us, wondering where she was, who she was with, and what she was doing. I craved information about her; was she safe? Was she still using? Why hadn't she returned my calls? Jealousy assaulted me as images of our last night together flashed through my mind. I didn't care that I had serious anger issues to deal with.

Tori was a friend of a friend. I'd met her on the one night I actually agreed to go out drinking with my cousin Tyler. She was nice and she made me laugh for the first time in months. When I was with her I felt lighter, happier. She was nothing like Izzy, and I thrived on the difference. Tori seemed equally enthralled with me and almost before I knew what had happened, we were an item. As we settled into one another's lives, she made clear her plans for the future, which included a loving, career-driven husband and a child or two. I agonized over what to do, but I knew that Tori was good for me. I hadn't heard from Izzy in months, and I really never thought she would come back to me. After a long, heartfelt talk with my father, I agreed that marrying Tori was the right thing for me to do.

After we were engaged, I threw myself into my work. My world was work, Tori, and my parents. Nothing and no one else even entered my line of vision, including the friends I had continually blown off. I tried to convince myself that by focusing on Tori and the things that were good for me, all thoughts of Izzy would disappear and eventually I would be happy again. Things had been working out well and when the job of my dreams opened up in New York, I jumped at it. It was a chance for a fresh start, a chance to make a new life with Tori and become all the things I had dreamed of being. It was also a chance to assure myself that I would never again see the love of my life, and that all the things I had worked so hard for would never be threatened by the intensity of my feelings for her.

I was an idiot.

As we walked into our pre-moving cluttered apartment, boxes scattered around the living room, Tori continued her rant. "I can't believe this Edward—you humiliated me in front of all those people. What were you thinking?"

"Tor, it was in front of two people—you and that Emmett guy. No one else saw anything! Besides, you're never gonna see most of those people again, so what's the big deal?" I was quickly growing frustrated with the situation.

"The big deal is that my fiancé was kissing another woman—and not just any woman, but the 'love of his life.' How is that supposed to make me feel? Come on, Edward, I know you'd rather be with her than with me, so what am I supposed to do now?"

I sighed, getting angrier by the minute. "There is nothing to do, Tori. You're the one I'm marrying and moving to New York with. Get over it already! I was telling her goodbye; that's it! You know the whole story and you know I can't ever be with her, so just drop it!"

I had told Tori all about Izzy and me, and about Izzy's addictions. I didn't want to lie to her or give her the wrong idea about anything from my past. She told me about on her ex-husband, James—how he was a womanizer and a cheat from the moment they married. He had finally left her for a woman named Heidi, and from then on any Heidi that Tori met was instantly suspect. Though I was usually amused by her insecurity, tonight it was making a shocking comeback.

"Edward, do you really expect me to marry you when you're in love with someone else? How is that going to work, exactly? If she gets clean and comes running back, what are you gonna do?" At the worried tone of her voice, I knew I would need to pacify her, but I was still angry.

"Tori, you know that I am faithful to a fault. I've told you about my past, you know this. Izzy isn't an issue anymore. She needs help and until she gets it, there is nothing more I can do for her." I hoped that she wouldn't catch what I was really saying to her, that if a cleaned-up Izzy ever came knocking at my door, I didn't know what choice I would make. But I was smart enough to know that it mostly likely wouldn't be Tori standing by my side at the end of the day.

"I can't talk about this anymore tonight. I'm so mad right now, and I have way too much to think about for this weekend so I'm going to bed." Tori turned and stomped off toward the bedroom, huffing the whole way down the hall. I had to hide the laugh that came with watching her retreating form. She could have her privacy tonight; after all that had happened with Izzy, I had a lot of things to think about.

I went to the hall closet and pulled out a pillow and blanket, the same ones Tori had always kept there and had insisted I use during the first several times I stayed the night. She was a strange girl. Back then, no matter how many hours we spent having sex and fooling around, she would force me to the couch when it was time to sleep. It was like her bed was okay for me as long as I was screwing her, but not if I wanted to sleep next to her. I didn't get it, but always gave her the space she demanded. I made up my bed on the sofa and sat down to remove my shoes.

Leaning back, I sank into the couch and closed my eyes, replaying everything that happened tonight, from dancing with Izzy to kissing her to wanting to push her up against a wall and have my way with her. It was all I could do not to grab her and run from the hotel. She was still sick; I could tell just by looking at her that she was still using. I couldn't even begin to count the number of times I had begged her to stop, for her, for us, or for me, but she couldn't. I knew she wanted to; she just wasn't strong enough. Though she craved me too, I knew I would always take second place to the chemicals she was dependent on.

Opening my eyes, I glanced at a box across the room, on top of which laid a photo album. Though I hadn't seen it in a long time, I knew exactly what was in it. Unable to stop myself, I rose from the couch and walked across the room to pick it up. I ran my fingers reverently across the words on the cover—Edward and Bella Forever. The gold leaf had begun to peel; the irony was painful. Opening the book, I was floored by the first picture I saw—it was Bella at the lake, in the shortest pair of shorts I had ever seen. When the room began to spin, I knew I needed to sit down quickly. I fought back tears at the memory of that day, which seemed like only yesterday.

It was summer and we had gone camping. Izzy hated every minute of it, saying that she couldn't get the dirt out from underneath her fingernails. Though I laughed at her, I secretly agreed. Several of our friends wanted to go and so we went, though the only time we really enjoyed was when we were in our double sleeping bag. We weren't the only ones having sex at night, but the quiet stillness of the forest made us feel like everyone could hear what we were doing. To be honest, they most likely could, but neither of us cared.

When we went to the lake one afternoon, she lay in the sun, soaking up the heat from its rays. She was so beautiful, with her dark hair laying across her pale skin. The shorts she had on weren't helping my situation, and before long, I'd pulled her into the water with me. We swam away from the group and I made love to her in the shallow water of a small, secluded cove. Up to that point, it had been one of the most amazing experiences I'd ever had; after that, there was no denying how much I loved her.

I turned the page of the photo album only to be assaulted by more images of us, each stirring up memories I had long-since buried. My cheeks were warm from the hot tears that slid over them. I ached for her; my whole body burned to hold her again. While Tori offered a distraction, she would never be what I really needed and craved. I felt bad about that, but was content with the fact that she knew everything before she ever agreed to be with me. She said she would take me, broken and all, and I was truly that—broken.

When I opened my eyes again, sunlight was streaming into the room, the windows void of the curtains that had previously hung there. I'd fallen asleep with the photo album tucked beneath me, and my hand was clutching the book so tightly that my muscles were throbbing. I sat up slowly, trying to remember what I had to do.

It was Sunday and there were only a few more days to get everything in order before we left for New York. There was packing to be done, but all I really wanted to do was see my parents. I needed something familiar from my old life, something to jolt me out of the funk that was overtaking me. Something was wrong; I could feel it, but I couldn't figure out exactly what it was. My whole body felt on edge, waiting.

I heard Tori moving around in the bedroom, and thought it would probably be better if she didn't see me with the photo album. It would only stir up emotions that were still raw from last night. She had always been great at burying things by morning, so I expected she'd be chipper today, ignoring all that had gone on only twelve hours before. I put the album into the box marked "Edward's Crap," knowing that she wouldn't look there anytime soon. It was funny how she'd marked this box as irrelevant when it was actually filled with things that were precious to me.

I wandered into the kitchen, intent on breakfast. My stomach growled, and I found a box of cereal and a mixing bowl. I was planning to eat a lot. After about fifteen minutes Tori came strolling in, humming a tune that sounded familiar, though I couldn't quite place it. She smiled and bent down, kissing me on the cheek as she passed.

"Morning, baby," she said.

Mumbling a good morning to her, I continued eating.

"I thought today we could finish packing up the bedroom, then tonight we're supposed to have dinner with my parents. They want to see us one last time," she said. "Sound good?"

"Yeah, that's fine," I said. "I thought I might try to see my mom and dad today too, if we have time. If I don't do that today, I don't know when I'll see them next."

Tori glared at me. "If you think you'll have time to get everything done here and be finished with them before dinner, be my guest. I'm not going with you, just so you know."

I nodded, knowing that she didn't enjoy my parents. To put it bluntly, no one did. Well, no one but Izzy. She was the only girl my mother ever liked, and the only girl my father could tolerate. While they both thought Tori was a good choice for me, neither of them liked her much. I hoped time would change things and that they would bond—hopefully before our children were old enough to sense the tension.

"Once we get the bedroom packed up, we should move on to the guest room and then do the bathroom tomorrow. The living room is pretty much done, and I want to save the kitchen for last," she said.

As if I cared about when things got boxed up. I nodded at her, still eating my cereal.

She came closer, running her fingernails up my arm and leaning in to whisper in my ear. "Maybe if you're a good boy today and get all the bedroom stuff done, I'll make it worth your while." Her hand crossed my chest and slid down toward the pants I was still wearing from last night. Ignoring her, I continued to eat as she began to kiss and nibble my ear, her hand finally taking hold of my cock. I groaned, knowing that it had a mind of its own and would respond to her even without my consent. Sure enough, it grew harder, which only egged Tori on.

When she began to suck on the skin just under my ear and run her other hand through my hair, I gave in. As much as I didn't want to have her hands on me, it felt too good and I needed the distraction. Dropping my spoon, I pushed the bowl away, snaking an arm around her waist. I pulled her to me and turned my head, kissing her roughly. After a few moments of sucking on her bottom lip, she pushed me away. "Edward, we can't do this; we need to pack first."

I didn't stop. "Tor, if we do this now I can guarantee you I'm gonna be in a better mood for packing." I moved my mouth to her jaw and began placing slow, wet kisses along it. When she moaned, I knew she was close to giving in.

"Edward…" she sighed, weaving her hand into my hair. I had her, just like I knew I would. Standing, I quickly pulled her body fully against mine. My lips moved back to hers and I forced my tongue into her mouth, exploring the warmth that awaited me there. Moving my hands down to the hem of her shirt, I quickly drew it up and over her head, throwing it to the ground. Her red lacy bra was soon gone and I bent to take her nipples into my mouth, one at a time. I sucked on the hardened peaks as she continued to moan, calling out my name over and over again.

I needed her, fast. I didn't want to make love to Tori, not with all those memories of making love with Izzy so fresh in my mind. They were nothing alike. Tori was my way to get release, but I didn't need to take my time; I wanted it to be over with.

Spinning her around, I bent her over the bar. I grabbed the waistband of her sweatpants and pulled them down to her thighs, letting them fall the rest of the way to the floor. My hands grazed over the smooth skin of her bottom, then plunged down toward the wet heat that awaited me. Her head fell back as she let out a cry of satisfaction. I slid my fingers in and out of her while my other hand quickly undid my pants. I pushed them down, feeling my dick spring forth.

She groaned when I withdrew my hand and wrapped it around my shaft, pumping a few times to coat myself with her wetness. I moved my hand to her mouth and she sucked my fingers in to taste herself on me. As she swirled her tongue around my fingertips, I thrust my cock into her with enough force that she gasped loudly, crying out to me. I sank my hands into her hips, pulling her toward me and then pushing away as I continued to plunge deep inside of her. I closed my eyes and imagined Izzy's long, dark, flowing hair, her dark eyes, her melodic voice calling my name. It was over then, quick and fast, just like I wanted. With two last thrusts, I was coming into Tori, moaning and quietly calling out the name of the only girl I'd ever loved. "Izzy," I breathed.

As we both stilled, I felt Tori go rigid, knowing that she had most likely heard me. I pulled out, ashamed of how I had used her. Ashamed of being so consumed with someone I could never have. Tori didn't look at me; instead, she bent her head to the countertop. When her shoulders began shaking, I knew that she was crying. I was an idiot and didn't deserve her.

I pulled up my pants and then hers. She flinched when I touched her, but said nothing.

"Tor, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to do that. Please, can you forgive me?" I asked, rubbing my hands up and down her arms. Her face was buried in her hands and she was sobbing softly.

"Do you love me at all, Edward? Even a little bit?" she asked.

I swallowed, unsure of how to express my feelings. "Yes, I do love you; I just mess things up sometimes. You have to believe me, Tor."

A desperate need to reassure her swept through me. Looking toward my future, I knew that Tori was the best option for me, even though she might not be what I really wanted. Being with her was better than being alone, something my parents had pointed out when I struggled with deciding on whether or not to propose to her. The need to be happy—especially after so much heartache in my relationship with Izzy—was strong and I put aside what I truly wanted in favor of what was best for me. Standing next to Tori, listening to her cry, made me realize that my love for Izzy was putting my happiness and my future in jeopardy. I needed Tori to believe me.

She turned around to face me. "Were you thinking about me just now? When we were doing that, were you thinking about me, or someone else?"

Not wanting to lie to her, I just looked at the floor.

She nodded at me, seeing the truth in my actions. "That's what I thought. Is that why you turned me around? So you wouldn't have to see my face?"

"No!" I said, "I just wanted it to be quick—that's all. I didn't do it on purpose; I didn't plan this out. I just needed you right then."

"No, you needed a body and hers wasn't here, so you took the next best thing. That's all I am to you, isn't it? The next best thing. Well, Edward, I can't be that for you, just so you know. If you can't be with ME when you're with me, then I can't be with you. I know you loved her; I know it's hard, but you don't hear me screaming out James' name when we have sex, do you? I would never disrespect you that way. I love you and I want you."

Her words reminded me yet again that I wasn't good enough for her, that I wasn't right for her. Fresh guilt washed over me as she continued, "Please tell me what to do to make you forget her. You're breaking my heart, Edward, and I can't live like this much longer. Tell me what to do."

I closed my eyes, unable to look at her. "I don't know what to do, Tor. I really don't, but I'm trying, okay? I'm trying to make things all right and I'm trying to be good for you. I want to be with you; please believe that. I want you."

We were silent for a few moments, and when I finally opened my eyes, she was staring at me sadly. "You only want me because she doesn't want you." With that, she turned and walked away, back to the bedroom that was really only hers to begin with.

I stood, engulfed in the silence around me. The bedroom door closed softly, and I knew Tori was hurting as much as I was. It wasn't her fault; I was treating her badly, even if I didn't mean to. I looked down at the cereal I had pushed aside and resolved that I would give up Izzy. Never again would I make Tori feel second-best. I discarded the remains of my breakfast and stepped into the living room, determined to finish the packing that was left there.

After about an hour, I had the contents of our living room completely boxed and everything labeled. Things would still end up in the wrong places, but I needed to do something to help. Tori hadn't reemerged yet, and for a few minutes I contemplated leaving and going to see my parents. This was the only time I would have to see them, but I couldn't leave Tori hurting and angry. I would simply have to find another time to see my parents before we left.

I decided to get to work on the bathroom, packing everything we wouldn't need in the next few days. If I could get that out of the way, maybe Tori would feel a little better—not so stressed about everything we still had to finish. As I emptied the bottom drawer, I heard my cell phone ringing. The ringtone wasn't one I recognized, so I let it go to voicemail, but a few minutes later the same jingle rang out again.

Though I had no desire to answer the call, something pulled me toward the phone. I lifted it to check the caller ID, noting the name of the hospital where my father worked. Assuming he was calling about meeting me, I flipped open the phone.

"Hey, Dad," I said. Instead of my father's voice, there was silence. "Hello?"

"Yes, I'm looking for Edward Cullen," I heard, the voice not one that was familiar to me.

"This is Edward Cullen; can I help you?"

"Hi, Mr. Cullen, I'm calling from Seattle Memorial Hospital. We had a patient in our emergency department today who listed you as a primary contact."

My heart began to race. Who would have listed me as their emergency contact? Stunned, my mind reeled for a moment before I replied, "Are you sure? I can't think of anyone who would have listed me. You may have the wrong Edward Cullen—maybe it's someone else?"

"This is Edward Anthony Cullen of 623 North Sycamore Lane in Seattle?"

My mind raced. That was my old address, for the house I had lived in all through college.

"Yes, that's my old address; who is the patient who has me listed?" I asked, afraid to hear her reply.

"Sir, the patient's name was Isabella Marie Swan. Do you know a Miss Swan?"

Izzy…

I couldn't speak. All day I had felt that something was off, not right. It had been my Izzy. I didn't want to hear any more.

"Mr. Cullen? Are you there, sir?"

"Yes," I whispered, dreading the words I knew were coming, the words I had never wanted to hear. I had listened to them in my nightmares for the past three years.

"Mr. Cullen, Ms. Swan was brought into the emergency department this morning. Since you are listed as her primary contact, we need you to come down to collect her things."

"Her things? What are you talking about? What happened to her?"

"I'm sorry, sir. I'm not at liberty to discuss specifics over the phone, but if you could come down sometime today, someone will be able to answer your questions and help you take care of all the arrangements."

Arrangements? Arrangements for what? Did she need help paying her bills? Did she need a ride home? Did she need someone to stay with her? I didn't understand what was needed of me.

"Look, ma'am, I don't really know what's going on here. Can you tell me how she is? Does she need to see me or something?" I asked, confused and desperate to know what was wrong with Iz.

The silence on the other end of the line was eerie. "Mr. Cullen, I'm sorry to inform you that Ms. Swan is deceased. I really shouldn't tell you this, but it appears to have been a drug overdose. Her records say she ingested a large amount of sleeping pills and alcohol. She was dead on arrival, sir."

I dropped the phone, watching distantly as it clattered across the floor. I fell to my knees, a scream tearing loose from my chest. My Izzy…

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

A/N: How much do you hate me right now? Don't worry, it only gets harder from here on out. :)

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