Disclaimer: I'm a Skyeward Shipper. Do I look like I own Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.?
Author's Note: I crib dialogue from the show where appropriate, as some conversations are just going to go the same (or very similar) no matter what. So in this case, I'm cribbing (and altering as needed) lines of dialogue from episode 1x19 "The Only Light in the Darkness
Author's Note 2: Well, let me just say to all the people who've read and reviewed and favorited, etc, this story, you are all absolutely awesome. I've had some fics get high responses in the early days of it being up but you guys have blown those numbers away. Thanks for reading, and thanks for letting me know you like the fic!
Thanks to EnergyBeing for beta-reading this chapter.
A Different Choice
By Alkeni
Chapter 2: That Drink
Providence Base
The Day After the Day After S.H.I.E.L.D. Fell (D Plus Two)
"Grant Ward. Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D." A lie on so many levels. You couldn't be an agent of something that didn't exist, and he'd never really been an agent – well, he had been, in the eyes of S.H.I.E.L.D. But it hadn't ever meant anything to him.
"Welcome Agent Ward. We've been expecting you." The computerized voice replied, the door in the cliff-side opening for him. If he hadn't been expecting it, it might have surprised him – the door was well hidden But then, he'd seen a number of very well hidden base entrances in his time, belonging to S.H.I.E.L.D. and its enemies.
He'd been expecting at least a few guards on the other side of the door, though, and their absence did surprise him. No one. On the other hand, the best defense for a secret base is secrecy. More guards meant more people meant more exposure. He could do the math as well as anyone else.
Seeing Skye waiting for him on the other side though – that too was a surprise, but an entirely pleasant one. Seeing the smile on her face...it put all thoughts but her out of his mind for a long moment as he walked into the base.
"How are things at the Fridge?" She asked him, falling in step next to him.
"Locked up tight. Hand is planning on holding out there until things stabilize, or at least improve. Riding everything out." Ward looked over at her. "Somehow, I don't see Coulson making the same choice. He's not the type to play things safe when everything's going to hell."
"No. Now that the bus is fueled up, we'll probably be leaving again soon. Once AC figures out where we should head, anyway." Skye seemed to consider his words. "Well...maybe Hand has a point, given that she's got people like Quinn and Garrett in there..." Unconsciously, her hand went down to her stomach, and Ward felt hate flare through him a moment – hate for Quinn, for Garrett, for himself for being unable to bring himself to kill Garrett and make sure he could never hurt her again.
"Garrett's not in the fridge." Ward told her. Before he could finish, explain exactly what he meant, Skye pulled up short and Ward saw a flash of real panic in her eyes. He found himself wanting to hold her close and tell her that he would keep her safe, that everything was going to be alright. But he couldn't – not yet. He knew she felt something for him. Something. But he didn't know how much she felt...he couldn't risk moving too far, too fast... He didn't want to risk freaking her out.
"He escaped?" Skye's voice was raised, a small note of panic in her tone, despite her efforts to conceal it. "Why didn't you say-"
"No." Ward interrupted hurriedly. "Garret is dead." He took her hand in his and held it gently. "He tried to escape...he grabbed a parachute and tried to jump out. I got the chute away from him, but he was right at the edge – he fell out."
Breathing heavily for a moment, Skye nodded. She didn't take her hand away and took another breath. "I'm sorry." She said softly. "I know he was your S.O. -"
"He ordered Quinn to shoot you." Ward let some of his fury seep into his voice. "He deserved worse. I didn't force him out of the plane." The lie came easily, of course. "But I'm not regretting that he fell out."
Skye looked at him a moment, and squeezed his hand a moment before dropping it. "Alright." She looked over at him, "Coulson will want to hear about that...afterwards...maybe you and I can get that drink?"
The tone in her voice, the smile on her face – the way it seemed to brighten everything around her for a moment. He'd made the right choice.
"I'd like that." Ward offered her a smile back.
Cafeteria, Providence Base
D Plus Two
"Well, I would have preferred him in a tiny cell for the rest of his life, but under the circumstances, at least he's out of the picture." Coulson said with a nod to Ward. "If only we could say the same about Hydra."
"What's the latest on them?" Simmons asked after a moment, the worry in her voice evident.
"All the major governments are closing in on known S.H.I.E.L.D. facilities, now that we've been labeled a terrorist organization. And since all our files were put onto the internet, that means almost all our facilities are known. Bad for us, but also bad for Hydra. They're pulling out of all sites they took control of – along with every item, file or person they can take with them. They're going to ground, and we have no idea where they're going, or even who's in charge of it now that Pierce is out of the picture." Coulson paused, looking at his team, plus Trip – who seemed to be part of the team for the moment – then added, "That's something we're going to need to fix."
"So that's our next move? Figure out where Hydra's at and go after them?" Trip asked from the back of the room, his arms crossed in front of him.
"I'm not saying the seven of us go charging into Hydra Headquarters." Coulson replied. "Even if we knew where that was, that wouldn't be a good idea. But we've been reacting to Hydra for the last seventy years. I think it's time we start taking the initiative."
"Hey, no complaint from me there." Trip said holding up his hands.
"Hydra was operating within S.H.I.E.L.D. right?" Skye piped up. The way her lips were pursed suggesting that she was coming up with whatever this was right from the top of her head – the way her brilliance just...spouted from her, sometimes without even meaning it... "That means they've been using S.H.I.E.L.D. resources."
"Not just – they had at least one Senator in their ranks, and that's just all we know about." Coulson pointed out. "But they would have been operating-" Coulson frowned, then almost looked like he was about to curse, but didn't. "Sitwell!"
"What about him?" Ward asked, wondering where Coulson was going with this. Ward hadn't interacted with Jasper Sitwell much – the latter was a Commops Agent through and through. Excellent in his work, by all reports, and a qualified field agent, but just not in the kind of circles he or Garrett were in. Garrett hadn't been fond of the guy – or his apparent actual loyalty to Hydra's ideas. He was stupid like Kaminsky on that front.
"After the Battle of New York, he was put in charge of securing all the Chitauri technology – weapons, scrap, bodies, vehicles. We know Centipede bought its Chitauri metal from Vanchat, but we've never been able to completely eliminate Vanchat's suppliers." Coulson said. "He always seemed to get his hands on more."
"It would have taken some creative paperwork to cover that sort of thing up, even with Sitwell being level 7." Fitz said after a moment. "I tried to get some Chitauri metal to study after the Battle of New York – they held my request up in paperwork for months. The lock-down on that stuff was pretty thorough."
"That's what I was thinking." Skye said. "Obviously we're not going to find any files labeled 'Secret Hydra Projects for World Domination' but now that we know names – Sitwell, Pierce, the S.T.R.I.K.E. team at the Triskellion," Skye had spent as much time as she could on the plane catching up on what had happened in DC, trying to find out as much information as possible from the flood of information on the news and internet. "Can't we...look for that creative paperwork? Get an idea of at least some of the things they were up to, maybe give us, uhm, avenues to explore?"
It was a brilliand and sideways idea – the kind of out of the box, clever idea that was Skye's signature. It was those ideas, the earnestness with which she presented them...one more way she'd gotten to him... The way she'd had a mix of self-satisfaction at coming up with them, but a note of awkwardness, as if concerned the ideas of a former Rising Tide hacker weren't going to be interesting to the rest of the team. It had been oddly...endearing.
"Look at you thinking like an agent." Coulson told her with a smile. "I take it you're not proposing to try this alone."
Skye shook her head. "I can tell you that pretty much everyone in the Rising Tide is already combing through the S.H.I.E.L.D. files on the internet. If I can make contact with some of them – people I know I can trust...maybe we can make a few connections."
"Pieces solving a puzzle?" Ward asked, calling back to that conversation they'd had right after Peru... back then she'd just been...another variable. An attractive one that he'd already found himself wanting to warm to, but...he still remembered the way she'd said that, talked about it. It meant something to her.
"Exactly." Skye said with a slight smile. "It's no guarantee, and it might take some time for anything useful to turn up, but-"
"It's more than we had an hour ago." Coulson concluded. "Alright. Get on that. Until we can get a hit or have a direction..." He let out a breath, "we could all use a little R&R."
"Not quite yet." An unfamiliar Agent said from the doorway. Ward could only assume that this was Eric Koenig. "Now that you're all here, its time for orientation."
Coulson was the one to vocalize the question, but for Ward, the term had a touch of the ominous to it – though that might have just been the way Koenig was delivering it. Probably because it also had a hint of the over-dramatic.
Orientation Room, Providence Base
D Plus Two
The Chair looked like something out of a bad sci-fi movie.
That was Ward's first thought. His second was concern – it didn't take a genius to guess what it was for. The questions Koenig might ask...if he asked about...
I've beaten lie detectors before. He'd done it hundreds of times. He could handle this one.
"Alright," Koenig said from next to the chair. "Just gonna need you guys to answer a few questions. A few psychoanalytic, non-sequitur questions."
"A lie detector." Coulson cut through Koenig's words to the heart.
"The lie detector, Agent Coulson." Koenig corrected, the emphasis sharp and unsubtle. "This baby measures galvanic skin response, oxygen consumption, micro-expressions, biofeedback brain-waves, pupil dilation, voice biometrics. 96 variables in all." He patted the shoulder of the chair lightly. "Fury designed this himself. He wanted a lie detector Romanoff herself couldn't beat."
That could be a problem. Ward was already certain a fight between himself and Romanoff would end with him lying on the floor with a half-dozen broken bones. On who was the better liar, he really had no idea though – he'd been undercover as a S.H.I.E.L.D. Agent for more than a decade, longer than any undercover operation of Romanoff's, as far as he knew, but her skills at deceit were still legendary. And of course, it was always easier to lie and get away with it when people hadn't the least idea there was anything to be suspicious of – exactly what Hydra had traded on to pull off its infiltration and takeover.
Ward had been trained – by Garrett and by S.H.I.E.L.D. to beat lie detectors. He'd picked up a few of his own tricks along the way. But he couldn't beat a metric he didn't understand, and he hadn't heard of some of those metrics, and he was certain he didn't know how to beat all 96.
"Did she?" Ward asked, his voice level and merely curious.
Koenig scoffed and laughed, "Like Fury would tell." That sounds like the late Director we all remember. Ward had only interacted with the man twice. Once, when he'd graduated S.H.I.E.L.D. Ops Academy – the Director had given his 'One Man' speech, and shaken hands with every graduating Agent. The second time had been three years ago, after an especially sensitive op – Fury had personally congratulated him. Positive interactions, but Fury's habit of playing cards close to the chest even by S.H.I.E.L.D. standards hadn't endeared him to everyone. Garrett especially had always been scornful of that.
Of course, Garrett would find any reason to be scornful of the biggest threat to Hydra.
"Okay." Coulson said after a moment. "The sooner we start, the sooner we get this done." He looked at the rest of them. "So who want's to go first?"
Ward, knowing he needed time, elected to go last, waiting outside the room as everyone else passed and got their 'lanyards'. The solution was fairly obvious – in theory. He still had some cuts and a fractured rib from the beat down he'd gotten clearing a path to the Hub's computers for Skye to blow them. It wasn't much, but they still hurt.
It wouldn't beat everything, but it would help. And when it combined with the pain of sticking the needle into his thumb, under the nail, he should be able to make it work. He had to be sure. He couldn't...he'd made his choice, and he wasn't going to let Eric Koenig and his lie detector make it all be for nothing. He wasn't Hydra now, not even indirectly. That was what mattered.
He'd put the needle in once Skye was inside, with no one else waiting around to watch him. Finally, Skye came back out, a lanyard in hand.
"Got my backstage pass." She extended the badge over to him, and he eyed at it for a moment.
"How bad?" He looked over at her, watching her put the lanyard on.
"Piece of cake, if you don't mind talking about yourself." She smiled just a touch, "so you'll hate it." Always, when undercover, the goal was to weave as much your real personality as possible into your cover. It made it easier to sustain. The problem was that over time, he'd had to share more and more of his real self… not Agent Ward, not Garret's protégé, but just plain Grant Ward. Skye knew Agent Ward, loyal S.H.I.E.L.D. Specialist. He hoped she'd never know the man who'd worked for Hydra for more than a decade. She even knew some of Grant Ward, the man who'd turned on John Garrett for her, and she would know more. If anything was going to happen between them, then he had to share. He couldn't just be a man in a crowd, faceless and anonymous. For her, he had to be a real person, with a past and feelings. Not just a hollow, loyal shell.
Even so he'd never liked talking about himself. He doubted he'd ever like it.
"Have fun." She finished, heading down the hallway.
Breathing normally, Ward walked into the room. Once he was in the chair and fully hooked up to the machine, it began.
"We're going to start with easy questions to establish a baseline. What is your full name?"
"My name is Grant Douglas Ward."
"Please list your immediate family."
"Two parents, a sister and two brothers. I don't have contact with any of them." Three he didn't want to have contact with, and two who'd never wanted to have contact with him.
"Your baseline's getting some spikes. Are you in pain?" Eric Koenig's expression was much more serious than Ward would have expected out of the man.
"Some. Fractured rib from the fight at the Hub."
Koenig nodded. "Okay. Try not to move. It may affect the results." It was a helpful confirmation. How much it could affect the results though...
Ward nodded in turn. "I'll try my best."
"Alright." Eric turned the page the binder in front of him. "What is the difference between an egg and a rock?"
Ward had run up against these kinds of questions plenty of times, though more often in the psychological reviews specialists had to take every few months. Not as part of a lie-detector test to see if he was loyal. Two for one.
"Egg's a food." He said, the first answer to mind, "Rock's a weapon." He was used to these questions. Still didn't like or understand them.
"Have you ever heard of Project Insight?"
"Only after the battle at the Hub." Which was entirely true. Garrett had never let him know about the master plan – if he'd even known about it, which wasn't guaranteed.
"Ever made contact with Alexander Pierce?"
"No." This one also had the benefit of being true.
"You wash up on a deserted island, alone. Sitting on the sand is a box. What is in that box?"
Another one. The question had variables within variables. How had had he ended up on that island? "Depends on the island. Where it is, how big is it, what's the terrain? Is there fresh water?" Even as he asked the questions, he realized that wasn't the point – he couldn't know the variables.
After realizing that, he wasn't surprised that Koenig's response was to hold up a hand and say: "Just say the first thing that comes into your head."
"A pistol." Ward replied immediately.
"S.H.I.E.L.D. no longer exists. The Agency has been labeled a terrorist organization. So, why are you here?"
This was the real question. The one that the rest were a buildup to. And it was a question with a surprisingly frank appreciation of reality. And he didn't even have to lie on this one either.
"Because my team is here. Because...Skye is here."
"Skye?" Koenig's tone was a question. Ward couldn't tell if the man was suspicious, or...
"I'm here because she's here. I care about her." Ward told the man, and after another long moment, Koenig nodded, stepping away from the readout device.
"Cool. Let's get you your lanyard then."
Cafeteria, Providence Base
D Plus Two
Ward's first trip had been to the Bus, to collect what few things he owned.
It was on the way there that he'd run into Fitz – and been subjected to the Scottish man's sullen jealousy of Trip.
"Everything around us is falling apart." Ward had told him, wondering why he was giving Fitz advice on this - "If there's something you want to tell Simmons, tell her." Fitz's response had been to suggest that he'd had a head injury, since he was so uncharacteristic.
"Things aren't exactly the way they were just a few days ago, Fitz." Ward had replied. He searched his mind, looking for an answer that would satisfy Fitz and stop making the scientist look at him like he'd grown a second head or something. "And the last thing this team needs is you being hostile to Trip."
A look of recognition was on Fitz's face there – that was the Grant Ward he knew. "Good to have you back." The scientist had told him.
Retrieving his things and taking them to one of the rooms – which all looked more or less identical, save for differences in the window-pictures – hadn't taken all that long. Neither had finding Skye.
He hadn't expected the cafeteria to be nearly empty, given that there were eight people here and they didn't have anywhere else to go really. As it turned out, it was, but for Skye. He pulled out a chair and sat across from her. Only then did Skye seem to notice that he was there. She looked up from her laptop and pushed a stray hair behind one ear..
"All lanyard-ed up like the rest of us." She observed. "The talking about yourself thing. Did it hurt?" Her smile and the lightness in her tone took out the sting that could have been in her words.
"A little." Ward replied deadpan. "But I've been through plenty of lie-detector tests. This one wasn't a problem. I didn't even have to lie on this one." Which was the case. Which was just a little strange for him, in some ways.
Skye gave him a brief look of mock shock. "Agent Grant Ward, lie on a lie-detector test? Whatever happened to being the poster-boy good agent?"
He never really existed. He coudn't tell her that, so instead he just smiled slightly and explained with a partial truth. "The kind of groups that I used to infiltrate aren't exactly the trusting types. The Russian Embassy in Warsaw put everyone on staff through one on a regular basis, for example. Beating lie-detectors is an important skill for any specialist. Which is one of the reasons S.H.I.E.L.D. had to have the best lie detectors in the world – and why Fury apparently went all out on the one here."
Skye frowned after a moment, "The best lie detectors in the world didn't find Hydra, or stop them."
"The best lie detector in the world doesn't matter when the person administering it is as guilty as the person taking it." Ward pointed out quietly.
"No, I guess not." Skye agreed, then she shook her head after a moment. "I tried so hard – I wanted to be a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent so much...I finally become one...and now it doesn't mean a thing."
"Hey." Ward told her, "It means something. You earned Agent status. The Agency being dead doesn't take that away from you. Besides, Coulson would be the first to tell you that S.H.I.E.L.D. is an idea as much as an institution."
"Is that what's keeping you here, or is it just your programing?"
She meant it to be funny. She was Skye, of course she did – the woman could find humor in everything. But he had been Hydra, and he knew what Hydra could do to people. He'd joined willingly, and his connection to Garrett meant he was trusted, but he'd heard what happened to those who… hadn't been quite so willing. Programming was just the start of it.
"What's keeping me here is you – the team." He added those last two words quickly. "It's not S.H.I.E.L.D. I devoted over a decade of my life to it...and now I find out it's all been for Hydra?" He shook his head, "How many of my missions were really for Hydra?" It was a question not even he had an absolutely certain answer for. He knew for sure on a number of missions that they'd been for Hydra, but others could have been Hydra missions without him knowing it. "Its hard for me to believe in the idea or the institution of S.H.I.E.L.D. when a decade of specialist work is in question." He rested a hand on the table. "I believe in the team though. And I believe we can do some good. And your plan to find a few leads – it's clever."
"You don't have a problem with me contacting all my old Rising Tide buddies?" Skye teased. "They're all pseudo-anarchist hacker types." The call back to their first conversation – if an interrogation can be called that - reminded Ward how far they'd come since. Back then, in that room, he hadn't had to fake anything. She'd annoyed Grant Ward, Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. just as much as she'd annoyed Grant Ward, John Garrett's plant. And even for similar reasons – she was an unknown variable. She was flippant. Unserious. Irreverent.
"Well, I'm not exactly an evil faceless government toolbag anymore." Ward pointed out, watching Skye smile a little, brightening everything for a moment. "And pseudo-anarchists are a much better option than Hydra."
"Well, no, you're not evil or faceless anymore, and I guess you're not government either." Skye agreed. "You can still be kind of a toolbag." She laughed for a moment, "So three out of four isn't bad."
"No, I guess not." Ward nodded to her computer. "Have you made contact, then?"
"Started the ball rolling, yeah." Skye replied. "This is the only computer I work with the Rising Tide on. But it'll take a bit before we get anything useful." She looked at her computer. "Captain America and Agent Romanoff did the Rising Tide's job for us." Now there was a small frown on her face, though it passed after a moment.
"Maybe, but look at it this way – you were right." Ward said. He held up a hand to forstall the teasing he knew was coming, "I mean not completely – the information S.H.I.E.L.D. kept secret should have been kept secret, most of the time, but you were right to be suspicious."
Skye nodded. "Yea. I guess so." She typed something into her computer quickly, then closed it, setting it aside for the time being. She seemed like she wanted to say something, but couldn't find the right words.
Ward wasn't familiar with this cafeteria, but it was a S.H.I.E.L.D. facility. It had alcohol – good alcohol in small amounts and cheap alcohol in large amounts. And sure enough, Ward found a liquor cabinet and picked a bottle. Two glasses and a little bit of pouring later, and Ward was sitting perpendicular to Sky now. He set one glass in front of her, and Skye looked at him, then it.
She didn't look at him as she spoke "May?" She asked, voice soft. She didn't say anything else – she didn't really need to.
Ward knew he had to answer – trying to be evasive, not answering her questions...it wouldn't work. Skye wasn't in a very trusting place at the moment, which after all that happened, wasn't surprising. She might trust him as a person, to have her back, to even be a friend, but he wanted her to trust him with more – much more.
He'd slept with May because it was part of what he needed to do to make sure everyone on the bus trusted him. He and May – they'd never pretended there was an emotional angle, but it had put her out of play, and that was the point.
He'd taken the opening the events after the Berserker staff offered. It was just part of the mission. Garrett's mission.
But now, with Skye just sitting there like this – he could've abandoned the mission a long time ago. Turned his back on Garrett and Hydra and be watching this wonderful woman's smile, rather than seeing her stare at her drink, waiting for his answer. He could have had this months ago.
"No. The only comfort we took in each other was knowing we didn't have to." He had meant for his words to come out matter-of-factually, but instead, they come out far softer than he'd intended.
It was a strange thing, to go into a conversation that was this important to him without a specific plan. He'd always had plans before – plans, backup plans, second-run contigencies and exit strategies. And now, he was having what felt like the most important conversation in his life and he was navigating it without a map.
Well...that wasn't entirely true. He knew one thing, had one guiding principle to this conversation. Trust. It was obvious to anyone Skye had serious trust issues – and to make her trust him, he had to seem to – had to actually – trust her too. Trust her to see him vulnerable. He'd lied to almost everyone in his life for nearly a decade, but now he needed – wanted – Skye to trust him.
He could only be so open...he'd always have to keep some of the truth back. He'd have to. But that didn't mean he couldn't be as open as he possibly could.
"You can't choose to feel." Skye replied, and Ward felt an almost ironic humor at her words – she was living proof that his ability to control what he felt wasn't perfect.
"Usually...usually I can." Ward replied – the truth. Not a boast. But this was the moment for more truth. "It's...it's different, with you. For us." He swirled his drink a moment, then took a sip.
Skye looked up at him, eyes wide, then she looked away. "Us is a strong word." Ward could hear the tension in her voice. For a moment...no. Not too far. Not yet. "I mean- I did kiss you, but to be fair, I thought there was a ninety-seven percent chance we were gonna...die." She chuckled awkwardly.
Even, some small part of Ward couldn't help but feel offended – ninety-seven? That high? Did she really think so little of his abilities?
"But we didn't die." Skye continued, and it wasn't hard to tell she was starting to babble, filling the space between them with words.
"Which is good." Ward interrupted softly.
"Yes, that is very good." Skye agreed. "But – that doesn't mean that we have to – we don't have to rush into us being an us." That tension and hesitation in her voice...she was afraid. Not of him – he never wanted her to be afraid of him – but of...well, them. The idea of the two of them together, as a unit. Her last serious relationship had been Miles, and look how that had turned out. Ward didn't know Skye's entire life story, but he knew enough. Trust issues. Fear of being hurt.
Ward was scared too, of course, if he was willing to admit it to himself. This was new territory for him. The knowledge that he could ruin all of this with just a few words and no glib lying would be able to repair it… he felt as though he was dancing on eggshells, and it was only a matter of time before he put a foot wrong.
Ward had had relationships before. But the only ones that hadn't been...stress relief, like with May, had been undercover. Ones where he'd been even less true to his own personality than he had in the last months on the Bus, with the team. If Skye had been just a mark, an asset, a target – he could have played the part of tall, dark and mysterious, used just the right lines and that would have been that.
But not with Skye. She mattered. This couldn't be an act. He wanted Skye. Not for the mission, not just to have some meaningless fling, but to have...he wasn't sure. But he wanted her.
It scared him. He was compromised. He'd owed his life to John...putting John before his own life was...it was how it worked. But he didn't owe Skye his life. Not in the same way...and yet he couldn't imagine not taking a bullet for her – no scenario where he didn't put her before him.
He was compromised – he couldn't compartmentalize when it came to her. Not anymore. It scared him and the fact that he didn't care that hit scared him almost scared him more. He was going to go ahead with this, with what he felt for her – it was the only way. Not if wanted her to return his feelings.
"It's not like it's a good time to start anything." Skye pointed out, finally looking back at him.
"With Hydra on the loose – do you think there'll ever be a 'good' time any time?" Ward didn't want to wait. He wanted her – not just her body. Trust issues aside, Ward was fairly confident he could seduce her into bed quickly – but it would destroy everything. Yes, he wanted her body. But he wanted all of her too. And he could choose to build on this groundwork slowly, brick by brick. They could move in slow circles around each other, neither of them quite sure what the other was thinking. Or they could start on this grand, glorious… thing.
What it boiled down to, he supposed, was that he was too selfish to wait.
He couldn't help it – and he was past caring if it was technically a weakness or not. John had taught him attachment was a weakness – but John didn't matter. Skye did.
He wanted things to start. With her. Now. Even if it was just...the small things. It would be a start.
"We have to start somewhere. Why not here?" He looked over at her, "Start small." He sipped his drink again and then set the glass down, looking at her. "You offered to talk. Let's...Let's talk."
Skye looked at him, searching his face, his gaze, then nodded. She took another drink from her glass. "Alright. Talking." There was a slight, very small smile on her face.
Ward looked at her, then looked down at the table a moment. "I've always been a Specialist. Not used to spending time around other people – and most of the people we do...we're all cut from the same cloth." He started after a moment.
"Black Kevlar?" For once, she wasn't mocking him or calling him 'robot' for his closed-off nature.
"More or less." He said after a moment, then shook his head. "We're trained to get the job done. To keep emotions in check. We're supposed to...compartmentalize. But with you..." Ward trailed off, then started again. "When you first joined the team, you were just – just another variable. An unpredictable one. And then...Like you said, I'm Kevlar. Things aren't supposed to...but you did. When its you...I can't compartmentalize. At first...I tried to – keep things at bay. I wanted to stay focused..."
He looked at her, "That's why I told you I was off the clock, after Hong Kong. Why I...didn't take you up on that talk, in Dublin. I wanted try to keep things under control. I didn't want to -" He let out a breath. "I didn't want to let you in any more than I had."
"What changed?" Skye asked, her voice even softer than it had been.
"You almost died – when I saw you there, bleeding out...fighting to stay alive." The image of her lying there in that medpod...hooked up to those machines, filtering her blood, breathing for her. "I couldn't pretend to myself anymore. I didn't want to. I didn't want to keep shutting you out."
"You kept it up for a while longer Ward." Skye pointed out, unconsciously leaning forward in her chair a little. "You don't have to shut people out."
"It makes things easier." Ward replied. He looked away for a moment, and swallowed. "Shutting people out – it means there's no risk of them...them finding out. There are things about me – you wouldn't like, if you knew."
"You think I don't have skeletons?" Skye asked, disbelieving.
"It's different. You're...you're a good person." That was beyond true. "I lied to you." He said softly, and he saw Skye stiffen a little, heard the sharp intake of breath. Ward took in his own breath. "My older brother...he didn't beat up my younger brother." He'd never wanted to tell Skye this – never wanted to tell anyone. But he would now – he'd tell Skye. Because it wouldn't drive her away...he hoped. If he shared this, if he opened up
She might -
Ward spoke before he had a chance to stop himself. "He was crueler than that." Ward continued. "He made me do it. And I let him." The memory of the well, unbidden, rose to the top of his mind. Ward clamped down on it, trying to shove it back into the box it had always been in, before he'd touched that staff. Skye closed her eyes for a moment, starting to look away. "I was afraid of him."
Skye looked – horrified. Shocked. I shouldn't have- "What about your parents?" She asked.
"They were worse." His mother, for beating Christian and him, his father, for watching, laughing, not caring one whit. He looked down a moment. "I am not a good man, Skye." He didn't say it because it was true, though it was. He said it – because he hoped that Skye wouldn't agree... he needed her to not agree.
Skye wasn't easy to manipulate, but he was starting to learn how. He didn't care if anyone saw him as a good man – as long as Skye did. He didn't care if he was a good man. Only that she thought he was.
Skye moved closer to him, reaching a hand for him – going under his chin and tilting his head back up so their eyes met. "Yes, you are."
She was so close. Barely inches from him now – her closeness, the look of acceptance and trust on her face – he didn't want to – couldn't – move too fast, couldn't force her...but as she sat there, her hand still resting under his chin – before he could stop himself, a hand went up to the back of her neck, tangling in her hair a little as he pulled her in towards him and brought himself closer to her – his lips were on hers, and then she was kissing him back and her hands were going up to either side of his face and-
They'd kissed ever so briefly in that closet – it had felt...that she felt something for him, that she could... the feeling had been wonderful, however short it had been. But this – this kiss, longer, deeper, more powerful -
It was beyond description.
His thoughts were a blank as they kissed – he had her. He finally had her. He was never letting her go. Nothing else mattered but her and his lips on hers and -
After almost a minute of passionate kissing, Skye pulled back and stood from her chair. She looked...freaked, scared -
God, I shouldn't have-
"I can't-" Skye started,
"Skye, I'm sorry." Ward started hurriedly, standing as well. "I said start small and then – I didn't mean to push-"
"No – no, I just – I need a moment." Skye almost scurried out of the cafeteria, and Ward was on his feet, starting to go after her before pulling up short – if she was going away...
No. She couldn't be – she was his. That kiss – she returned his feelings. She had to. He'd gone too fast...but he could fix it. He couldn't – couldn't go after her yet. Not yet.
The feeling of her lips on his, her fingers on his cheeks and neck lingered with him as he stared at the cafeteria doors after her.
She was his. She would come back. She was his.