A/N:Wow, the response to chapter one was so awesome, it's got me worried that this one won't live up to it. But here it is anyway. It's all Sam pov, and gives you the bulk of his history. I must warn any die-hard Jessica fans that she does not come off as a great person. My personal opinion is that this is the most correct view of Jessica in canon. I mean, there is a reason they had to kill her off in the first episode to make the show work. So you have been warned...

*So, for some reason I cannot make the past scenes Italic. I've been trying for the last hour and am now too tired and bored to care. If you have any questions regarding when a scene happens (or anything else) just let me know. You can always head over to AO3 search Author Ilsa and read the correctly formatted version if it bothers you that much.

The Dazzling Darkness

Chapter Two: A Dark Past

"Sam, your four o'clock is at the gate," Becky called from her desk just outside of the office he shared with his brother.

Sam sighed and rubbed his eyes. He wished he had put his foot down about not working today. The anniversary of their father's death always hit them hard and the best place for he and Dean to spend this particular day every year was at home... or in a bar. But Dean had insisted that business continue as usual and that they would take time to remember their father after they closed up for the day. So Sam had allowed his assistant Becky to schedule meetings with potential donors. They really needed more donations to satisfy their budget demands for the year, otherwise Sam would have blown it off for the day.

In typical Dean fashion, after demanding they work, he ended up not coming in. It was just as well though. Dean wasn't great at dealing with potential donors. His brother didn't like asking for money and he took every criticism of their company personally.

Unconsciously Sam's eyes fell on the framed photo sitting on the desk. The one of him, Dean, and their father taken just before the accident. It was the last photo of the three of them when they were all whole. The last photo of their father with his deep brown eyes. Every photo of his dad after that showed badly scarred milky bluish white eyes that proclaimed his blindness to the world.

A drunk driver had hit their car leaving Dean with a few broken ribs, Sam with a concussion, and their father blind, without the use of his right arm, and with a noticeable lack of cognitive function. Sam had been fifteen at the time and had watched his brother sacrifice his plans of going to college in order to work two jobs to keep up with rent payments, food, clothing, and medical bills. Sam still wasn't sure how Dean managed for almost three full years before the lawsuit was finalized and they received payment from the other driver's insurance company.

Two years after the money came in, their father died. Sam still wasn't sure of all the details surrounding his death, and to this day he was afraid to ask. After all, Sam hadn't been around then.

Sam had felt stuck in a life where he was obligated to follow the path that Dean had set for him. And then he met Jessica, and everything changed.

"C'mon Sammy! You can't just leave us like this! Dad and I need you," Dean begged.

"No Dean. You and Dad will be fine without me. I deserve a chance to live my life!" Sam insisted as he tried to keep his argument straight in his mind.

"And I don't?"

"It's not my fault that you chose this life," Sam argued.

"Chose? Sam, I dropped out of school and worked two jobs to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table. If I had left then you would have been put in the system and Dad would... Dad would probably be dead."

Sam had known Dean's side and he hated hurting his brother, but he had to go. He had to.

"It's her isn't it? That Jessica chick has you wrapped around her finger," Dean accused.

"No, it's..."

"Yes it is. You had no interest in being a freaking lawyer until you met her. You were going to go to KSU to be a vet. We had a plan, Sammy! We were going to help people like Dad. And then you met that bitch and suddenly it's 'Stanford' and 'law school'."

"Don't call her that!" Sam growled.

"I didn't really like her when we first met, but I could tolerate her for your sake. Even after she changed everything about you..." Dean continued on as if he hadn't heard Sam's response.

"What? No she didn't..."

"Yes she did! Everything from the way you dress to the food you eat. Did you even apply to KSU? No, of course not. It wasn't on her list. You won't even watch Star Wars with me anymore because she thinks it's too juvenile."

Sam had no response to that, because it was partly true...

"And now she's making you leave me... I mean, us."

"No, I'm leaving to go to college. It has nothing to do with her," he insisted.

Dean huffed but stayed silent.

"Jess said that if you really loved me, then you would let me go."

Dean shut his eyes and took a deep breath. When he finally looked at Sam, his green eyes were full of unshed tears.

"Yes, I can imagine that Jess would assume my love for you was conditional."

Sam felt a lump form in his throat, but stayed strong.

"Dean..."

"We're done here, Sam. Get outta my sight."

Dean had been wrong. Jessica hadn't really changed Sam, she had merely shown him that he had a choice and that choosing against Dean wishes would not make him a bad person.

All he knew was that Dean had used the rest of the money to set up Winchester Ranch. He ran it for a year by himself before Sam came home to help... Or rather, Dean had brought him him back home after Sam's life had fallen apart. He closed his eyes and allowed himself to recall that horrible day five years ago...

Sam sat in the waiting room at the county hospital, staring blankly at the floor. A scratchy wool-like blanket had been thrown across his shoulders by a caring nurse, but he barely registered it. His whole life had fallen apart in the blink of an eye. No matter how hard he tried, he just couldn't process what had happened.

Jessica had been at the kitchen table studying like she usually did on Sunday nights. Sam had been hungry, but hadn't wanted anything they had on hand. It was supposed to be just a quick trip for some Jack-In-The-Box tacos from down the street. Jessica hadn't wanted to go with him, but insisted he bring back at least two for her.

Sam had pecked her lips, grabbed his keys, and headed down the street. Not even a full five minutes had passed before he heard the sirens. The smell and proximity of the black cloud of smoke had him turning back home before he could even place his food order.

The entire apartment building was engulfed in flames when he returned. The firefighters were running around shouting out commands to each other, and though Sam was told several times to stay back, he was able to slip by them and run into the burning building.

The apartment he shared with Jessica was on the third floor, but the stairs had already been destroyed. He watched in horror as the building began to fall around him.

Hands grabbed him and yanked him outside. Every breath hurt and he couldn't speak without having a coughing fit.

Smoke inhalation. They told Sam how lucky he was to be alive and how stupid it was for him to run into a burning building.

"Jess," was his whispered explanation and he could see pity in the paramedic's eyes as she held an oxygen mask up for him to breathe into.

Almost two days had passed. He had been officially discharged, but had no where to go.

"Oh, your brother will be here soon," the nurse had told him as she handed him paperwork.

"My bro-brother?" He'd question, feeling his breath catch. He was racked by more coughs as she nodded and patted his back.

"Yes. We were unable to reach your emergency contact..."

"Probably because she's in the morgue," he bit out angrily.

The nurse gave him a strained look.

"I'm sorry for your loss, Mr. Winchester. The paramedics found your school ID when you were unresponsive and we went through them to get your closest living relative. I spoke to Dean Winchester myself. He did seem... surprised, but agreed to come right away."

Sam swallowed and looked away.

"When was the last time you saw your brother, Mr. Winchester?" She asked, looking a bit more compassionate than she had before.

Sam sighed and shook his head.

"You can call me, Sam. It's been three years, and it wasn't a friendly parting. I don't... I don't know how he'll... To be honest, I'm surprised that he agreed to come," Sam admitted, feeling the tears he had been holding back sting at his eyes.

"Sometimes it takes a tragedy to mend a broken relationship," she said, shrewdly.

Sam frowned. "So, look at my girlfriend's death as an opportunity?"

She shrugged and pointed out his post discharge instructions on the pamphlet.

"Good luck, Sam."

An hour later, Sam's eyes closed when he heard the roar of the Impala. Dean had arrived. He must have driven straight through the night to get here so quickly.

Sam took a deep breath and got to his feet. He braced himself unsure of how this reunion would go. He wasn't sure he could handle Dean being smug about Jess's death.

The automatic doors slid open and Dean walked in.

It had been three years since Sam had seen Dean, but it looked as if his brother had aged ten years. Sam was surprised by the flood of guilt he felt at that. Life with their father had obviously been a struggle for him.

As soon as Dean's eyes fell on him, the tiredness vanished from his face and he ran to Sam. The warm, protective embrace of his big brother made Sam feel like a kid again: safe, protected and cherished. Something he hadn't realized he missed til that moment.

"Oh, Sammy. I'm so sorry," he whispered, hugging Sam tighter.

Sam couldn't speak, just buried his face in Dean's shoulder and cried until he started coughing again.

When they got back to Kansas, Sam had thrown himself into working at the ranch, determined to redeem himself to Dean.

It had been Sam's idea to solicit funds from charitable organizations as there was no way they could stay afloat financially and still offer their services to the less financially fortunate which was the main purpose for the ranch anyway.

"Sam? He's waiting!" Becky called again pulling him back to the present, and he stood buttoning his suit coat with a sigh. Just one more meeting and then he could go.

He left the office and was immediately accosted by his eight-month pregnant assistant who insisted on straightening his tie.

"His name is Castiel Novak, He's the one who decides which charities will benefit from the Novak fortune each year..."

"I know Becky, I read the file," he told her sharply as she continued to ramble off more information that Sam already knew.

The phone on her desk rang and Sam took the opportunity to get out of her reach. She answered and he waved goodbye hurrying to the main door.

"Oh, crap!"

Her exclamation made him pause and turn back to look at her.

"Dean's here."

His brother was dressed in ripped jeans and a faded Van Halen t-shirt. Appropriate dress for working with dogs, but not for schmoozing with donors. When Dean greeted Sam he could smell the whiskey on his brother's breath, but was slightly relieved to see his green eyes were clear and not glassy as they would be if he was drunk.

e could smell the whiskey on his brother's breath, but was slightly relieved to see his green eyes were clear and not glassy as they would be if he was drunk.

Unfortunately it seemed that Dean had already introduced himself to Castiel Novak and was insisting that he should be the one to show the potential donor around the ranch. Sam studied the Novak heir and felt his heart sink. The man was impeccably dressed and was eying Dean's clothing with obvious distaste. Dean was acting in an overly familiar way, bumping shoulders and winking at the guy.

Great. His tipsy brother was hitting on Castiel Novak.

"Sammy, you should go meet with Kevin. He's dropping off Loki and having a little trouble," Dean told him, waving his hand dismissively.

"I'd be happy to Dean, I just need to show Mr. Novak around first," he said firmly.

Sam watched in horror as Dean slung an arm around Castiel's shoulders.

"Go deal with Kevin, I'll show Cas around," he insisted and pulled the bewildered guy toward the office.

Sam sighed in defeat. Oh well, surely they would find other donors.

He headed to the kennels, overdressed in his suit and tie. Kevin Tran was kneeling on the ground with his arms wrapped around a golden retriever.

"Hey Kev, you okay?" Sam asked the teen cautiously.

He looked up and nodded, but a single tear rolled down his cheek.

"You really did a great job with Loki. Best of the group. Thanks to your extra in-depth training, it shouldn't take as long for him to get ready for his new job," Sam said with extra enthusiasm.

Kevin nodded again, and then buried his face in Loki's coat and let out a sob. The dog turned and licked his cheek. Sam felt his eyes sting slightly as he watched the exchange. The high-school program was incredibly successful and the kids were always very glad they participated, but the moment when they had to say goodbye to their four-legged friends were never easy on any of them.

Sam knelt and placed a comforting hand on Kevin's back.

"I know that it's hard to say goodbye, but at least you know he'll be safe and well cared for. You have to go to college in a few weeks anyway. It's not like you can take him with you," Sam pointed out, gently.

"You promise you'll give him to somebody good?" Kevin asked in a hoarse voice.

Sam smiled and nodded.

"I swear that Loki will only go to the best person possible," he promised.

Kevin took a breath and nodded.

Sam had barely got Loki settled in his new kennel when he heard the shouting. Groaning, he hurried outside and jogged toward the main office. Castiel Novak was marching toward his car with a murderous expression on his face. Sam was about to hurry after him when Dean suddenly appeared.

"We don't want your stupid money anyway!"

Sam had to physically restrain his brother who was trying to run after the fleeing man.

"No Dean, just-"

"We don't need his money," Dean insisted, and crossed his arms like a petulant child.

Sam sighed and nodded. "Okay Dean. Let's go."

"No, we have to work..."

"The work day is over. The cemetery is only open for a few more hours. We need to go."

Dean deflated, but nodded and allowed Sam to steer him toward the parking lot.

A couple of hours later the brothers leaned against their father's headstone while sharing a bottle Jack. Neither of them had said a word after toasting the first drink to their father.

"We needed his money didn't we?" Dean suddenly asked in a small voice.

Sam shrugged and took another drink.

"Maybe not."

Dean nodded and took his turn.

"He was probably a cat guy anyway."

Sam snorted.

"Sammy?"

"Yes Dean?"

"He was hot, cat guy."

Sam laughed then and sobered as he studied the date of death carved into his dad's head stone. Sam remembered that date had come in the middle of the most hectic exam week of his unfinished college career. Looking back on how crazy he had been that week, he almost understood why Jessica hadn't told him... almost.

They were half way to Kansas before Sam asked Dean about their dad.

Dean nearly drove off the road.

"What? What do you mean 'how's dad'?" He demanded.

Sam just looked at him in confusion.

"He died last year!"

Sam felt like someone had punch him in the stomach.

"What?! Dad died, and you didn't tell me?!"

They had to wait through a coughing attack during which Sam heard Dean cussing under his breath.

"You mean to tell me, that that... that Jess, never told you?" Dean asked in quiet disbelief.

Sam shook his head, vigorously.

Dean let out a laugh devoid of humor and focused back on the road.

"She didn't tell you about any of my calls, did she?"

Sam blinked. It was too much.

"Don't do this Dean. Don't lie to me about her... I can't..." he trailed off and turned away to look out the window.

Dean sighed.

"Christmas, your birthday, Mom's... every time I called she answered your phone. I assumed you just didn't want to talk to me. I never thought..." He trailed off at Sam's stricken look.

"I loved her Dean. She loved me too, and now she's gone," he whispered, surprised to feel more tears slipping from his eyes. Sam had cried so much in the last few days he didn't think he would have any left.

Dean didn't respond, but took the next exit and pulled into the parking lot of an all-night diner. He killed the ignition and they sat in silence for a moment.

"You know how I felt about her, Sam. But even now that I know she didn't tell you about my calls, I still wouldn't wish her dead. People make mistakes all the time, but if she really did love you or better yet if you really loved her then she couldn't have been all bad. I'm sorry that's she gone."

Sam stared at his folded hands and nodded.

"Right. Well, I don't know about you, but I need some coffee if we want to reach Kansas tonight," Dean said and hauled himself out of the car.

Sam waited a moment, then followed. Despite everything he found himself absurdly glad that things were okay between him and Dean. It felt as if he had been going through life crooked, seeing the world from an odd angle, and now everything was perfectly straight again. He took a deep breath, and this time he didn't cough.

He continued his silent contemplation of John Winchester's tombstone while Dean finished the bottle.

"You called me the day after Jess and I left for California. I was still mad and didn't want to talk to you. So I handed her my phone and walked away. You called again a few weeks later and she asked if I wanted her to deal with you. I agreed. And then she quit asking. I trusted her to tell me if there was something I needed to know, but she chose not to. I'm sorry, Dean." Sam's voice was little more than a whisper, but he could tell Dean heard him by how tense his brother had become.

Dean dug a new bottle out, took a swig and passed to Sam. He took a drink and grimaced -tequila.

"Jess loved you, Sam. I don't know why she kept the calls from you, but we both know she thought she was doing the right thing..."

"But you were alone, Dean! You had to pick out this headstone, and arrange the funeral and do all those hard things by yourself when I could have been there-" Sam broke of to choke back a sob.

Dean sighed and moved closer to Sam so he could place a hand on his shoulder.

"Sammy, I wasn't alone. I had friends. Bobby and Ellen, Charlie, Jo, hell, even Chuck and Becky were there to help. I'm not saying it was easy, or that I wasn't hoping you would show up. And as far as actual decisions, they had mostly all been made a few years earlier when Dad first started getting sick. To be honest, his passing was a relief."

"I still should have been there," Sam said, unable to keep back the tears any longer.

Dean was quiet for a long moment.

"Yes, you should have. But there's nothing we can do about that now. I believe Dad is in a better place where he has better vision than us, is in no pain, and spends all his time with Mom," Dean announced.

Sam nodded and tried to smile through his tears.

"And I can't speak for them, but I forgive you, Sam. I forgave Jess a long time ago, and I'm so glad you're here now."

"Thanks Dean. I'm glad I'm here now too... And I forgive you for scaring off that billionaire donor today."

Dean groaned and buried his face in his hands.

"Those damn eyes are going to haunt me forever," he bemoaned.

Sam chuckled and wiped his face with the sleeve of his shirt.

They remained quiet until they heard the soft rumble of Bobby's truck pulling into the parking lot behind them. They staggered to their feet and Dean poured the rest of the tequila onto the ground in front of the headstone. Then they leaned against each other and headed for the truck already dreading the hangovers to come.

End

A/N: vThanks so much for reading, I hope I didn't scare anyone off. The next chapter will be posted this weekend and will include the meeting of Gabe & Sam and hopefully a lot of humor. It will also be a back & forth between Gabe's pov and Sam's pov.

Til then take care,

Ilsa

PS: Reviews help me write faster.